Hey everyone, I've been floating around dropping some opinions in here and there but this is my first post looking for some advice. There's a few issues that I have been having with my girlfriend. Basically we have a great time together and get along great BUT (there's always a but) I have had a hard time dealing with our physical/sexual intimacy. This is the first problem. There has been a time when she wants to have sex every day for a 5-6 day stretch, and even a few when we have had sex 2/3 days in a row. But generally, we have sex once a week. Maybe twice if I'm lucky. Making it even more difficult is that she comes sort of extremely fast. I'm talking like 5 minutes sometimes, and then she can't keep going and I feel bad going till I finish and sometimes don't. I know cutting foreplay might help, but when I try to initiate sex sometimes after touching she'll say "not yet" and will make me stop touching her in certain spots and go back to just rubbing her back, or running my fingers up her leg. I usually work at getting her in the mood for a solid hour before we can have sex, and sometimes she'll end up being "too tired". She knows this frustrates me, and we've talked about it and she says it's because she's tired, and sometimes has problems with her back. So to try to resolve this I've massaged her back, tried to help her with some medicine (APAP, Ibuprofen, Naproxen Sodium - all legal OTC stuff), but none of that really helps. It's getting extremely frustrating because I just don't feel like I can keep going with sex being so sporadic or only once a week. Not sure if this is relevant but she has been diagnosed with ADHD and has taken Dextro and Adderall for the symptoms - but this has been steady our whole relationship. We have talked, and she says that she will try harder, etc - but it never leads anywhere and there isn't ever a change.
Sort of going along with this, even when she is here hanging out, I'll be making dinner and and she constantly is playing games on her iPad/iPod. Even after dinner when we are laying together in bed or on the couch watching TV she continues playing. She never has been really a "lovey" type, but this sorta bothers me because it seems to me that she doesn't have interest in just laying with me and talking or watching whatever is on the television. It just makes me feel not very appreciated I guess. On top of that, due to her back pain and being tired she tends to get a bit snappy with me and very short when I ask her whats going on.
Finally, we have both talked about how we want to move in together because I had to move here for a job and am living in a situation I'd consider less than ideal. This is a problem because she lives with her parents, and is afraid to even ask them to stay over at my place a night. Yes, she has never in the 3 months I've lived here stayed a night. I have stayed at her parents place, and we have even stayed out at hotels that I paid for a few times (she lied to her parents about that). But when it goes down to staying here, she doesn't feel comfortable asking and doesn't want to lie.
All this being said - I have talked to her a few times about it and she breaks down and cries because she feels "a ton of pressure trying to be perfect for me" and she doesn't like that I pressure her into asking her mom to stay here. I haven't really ever tried to pressure her or make her feel like that, but it's how she says she feels. I'm not looking for huge immediate improvements. All I would like is acknowledgement of the problems and a plan to get them fixed. She doesn't currently feel comfortable asking her parents to stay here so I wanted to know when she would or what to do. And she says she doesn't know when she will be because she isn't psychic.
It's just really tough to talk to her and ask how things will be fixed because she takes it personally and gets extraordinarily upset because she feels massive amounts of pressure trying to be perfect for me. I guess I don't understand this, but she seems to be putting in almost no effort at all. It makes it hard to bring up to her because when I do it turns into a fight, she says that she'll try, and nothing happens. Rinse, repeat.
I guess I'm just trying to figure out a way to see if this is fixable - the difference in sex average/steady drives, my perception of her disinterest in talking, her irritability, and inability to talk to her family to move our relationship forward so we can at least spend nights together (if we can't do that... how will we live together anytime soon?). I really want to be able to talk to her and explain all this without her feeling so hurt and thinking its all her fault. I want things to improve, but i don't want it at her expense. I don't want guilt sex or her faking things. Thanks for reading this long novel, I can give more details about stuff if need to.
Sort of going along with this, even when she is here hanging out, I'll be making dinner and and she constantly is playing games on her iPad/iPod. Even after dinner when we are laying together in bed or on the couch watching TV she continues playing. She never has been really a "lovey" type, but this sorta bothers me because it seems to me that she doesn't have interest in just laying with me and talking or watching whatever is on the television. It just makes me feel not very appreciated I guess. On top of that, due to her back pain and being tired she tends to get a bit snappy with me and very short when I ask her whats going on.
Finally, we have both talked about how we want to move in together because I had to move here for a job and am living in a situation I'd consider less than ideal. This is a problem because she lives with her parents, and is afraid to even ask them to stay over at my place a night. Yes, she has never in the 3 months I've lived here stayed a night. I have stayed at her parents place, and we have even stayed out at hotels that I paid for a few times (she lied to her parents about that). But when it goes down to staying here, she doesn't feel comfortable asking and doesn't want to lie.
All this being said - I have talked to her a few times about it and she breaks down and cries because she feels "a ton of pressure trying to be perfect for me" and she doesn't like that I pressure her into asking her mom to stay here. I haven't really ever tried to pressure her or make her feel like that, but it's how she says she feels. I'm not looking for huge immediate improvements. All I would like is acknowledgement of the problems and a plan to get them fixed. She doesn't currently feel comfortable asking her parents to stay here so I wanted to know when she would or what to do. And she says she doesn't know when she will be because she isn't psychic.
It's just really tough to talk to her and ask how things will be fixed because she takes it personally and gets extraordinarily upset because she feels massive amounts of pressure trying to be perfect for me. I guess I don't understand this, but she seems to be putting in almost no effort at all. It makes it hard to bring up to her because when I do it turns into a fight, she says that she'll try, and nothing happens. Rinse, repeat.
I guess I'm just trying to figure out a way to see if this is fixable - the difference in sex average/steady drives, my perception of her disinterest in talking, her irritability, and inability to talk to her family to move our relationship forward so we can at least spend nights together (if we can't do that... how will we live together anytime soon?). I really want to be able to talk to her and explain all this without her feeling so hurt and thinking its all her fault. I want things to improve, but i don't want it at her expense. I don't want guilt sex or her faking things. Thanks for reading this long novel, I can give more details about stuff if need to.
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good luck 
