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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

Help! IV coke binge needs to stop!

Bin Noddin said:
Man I feel for you. That’s where I’m headed if I don’t square my shit away now! I don’t know why there is a part of me that seems to want that. It’s this evil little creature inside of me that wants me broke,alone and dead. I know what I have to do and I know how to do it. I just haven’t yet.
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In my opinion it's not an "evil" part of you. You, like all of us, have a dopamine reward system thats evolved to drive you to beneficial species promoting behavior. Coke just hijacks the system. So you now have programmed in an "evil" behavior into your natural drive system. aka thirst, hunger, sex drive etc.

your not evil.
 
neversickanymore said:
In my opinion it's not an "evil" part of you. You, like all of us, have a dopamine reward system thats evolved to drive you to beneficial species promoting behavior. Coke just hijacks the system. So you now have programmed in an "evil" behavior into your natural drive system. aka thirst, hunger, sex drive etc.

your not evil.
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I always appreciate your validation and kind words. I sometimes wonder if contributing here and even at meetings would be beneficial to my recovery. Although I take more of a rational recover sort of model. It has worked in the past. It’s not like I white knocks my periods of abstinence. While I completely agree with you regarding the hijacked reward system. My big question is why I need to feed it such powerful act/substances? I had a 14 year period where I didn’t even think about narcotics. I would drink on the weekends here and there. And in social situations at times. Sometimes to excess. But in those years I was always looking for danger and to go against the status quo. Sure I accomplished many things, way more than any 17 your old oxy junky drop out was ever expected to. I have Always been pushing the limits and boundaries of whatever I was doing. Another drink, another drug, a bigger jump ect. But I was enjoying life to the fullest. I was young and married with money. Even though I am 40 now, I am having a hard time adapting to life with children. Especially given todays socio economical situation. I carry with me a huge burden to not only protect and provide, but I also worry constantly about bringing lives into this world.

My wife and I have very limited time to ourselves, time for each other, and especially time for romance and intimacy. It doesn’t bother her like it does me. Women change when they have kids. I didn’t think it would happen because I have known her so long but it has. And I’m the odd man out with all the pressure to protect, to repair, to lead and make the decisions that are best for them. The pressure has cause me to crack and regress into a place that may not be “evil” per say. But one that is sure to sabotage the whole house of cards and leave me in a place alone. Is that what I really want? My therapist is rather useless. The couple of friends that I have let in on this are too. I just feel alone and misunderstood.

Like if I did just come clean and tell my whole family about this. I wish there would be compassion, understanding and support/accountability. That would sober me up in a minute. I’m sure of it. But instead there will be panic, blame, people will be hurt and take it personally for some reason. I will be labeled as untrustworthy and looked at with suspicion. Everyone always wants the addict to do everything. And while I would say that 90% is theirs to bear, the people around them could help a lot.
 
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One aspect of addiction that people don't talk about often is that it simplifies everything. Life is miserable, yes, but simple.

When I am in active addiction, I am laser-focused. All I really think or care about is getting and using my drug of choice. Everything else is distant and of little concern.

Weirdly, there's a kind of freedom in that slavery.

But I don't miss it. Sobriety takes some getting used to, but it's infinitely better than addiction in every way.
 
I know people do NA also a CA program here yes it is called cocaine but they welcome all users not just discussing coke so it's a very diverse wonderful meeting here once a week but that's a full surrender to a spiritual program it isn't for everyone but they make it seem it is the solution for all addicts I can't argue with their program it is daunting though unless you are ready to throw in the towel on working through your psychology through a less rigorous spiritual approach to life overhaul

Otherwise I am out of ideas explored so many alternatives but the thing is I need connection with a sober network and the more commonly attended recovery groups do that online programs are very popular today thing is not many addicts just walk away without a program and sober network unless they do some just decide enough is enough

You have to make lifestyle changes regardless of what you do no one can decide what program suits you

The energy you use to fuel the addiction needs to be channeled into a positive direction because it won't like to stay static I mean a habit needs to be reworked or abandoned/replaced through working new habits
 
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Useful fact - salvinorin a arrests cocaine seeking behavior. Chew a quid of raw leaf when coming down off or fiending for blow. It works.
 
I don’t get paranoid. I get really down on myself. I feel like a failure. I ask myself why I am doing this. I didn’t use yesterday. I felt great and proud of myself. Cravings were truly minimal. I woke up this morning and almost on auto pilot went a copped and used. So sickening. As I was doing it I was like dude what the fuck? I don’t like any part of it. I told my general practitioner about it. She recommended NAD infusions that she just happens to have opened a clinic for. It’s like a thousand bucks and I would need to go for 4hrs a day 4-5 days straight.. seems like snake oil to me. If anyone has any info on that please share it.

I know I can stop! For some reason I feel the need to punish myself and self destruct. Even before I started this run I had been feeling unworthy and like an imposter in life. Like I don’t deserve what I have and that part of me wants to abolish it. I went to an AA meeting on Wednesday. I tried to speak but the same 4 guys that always big the meeting had to talk about” their addiction doing push-ups in the parking lot” again.

I just wish that I could be confident that my woman would hold me, support me and tell me that we’ll figure this out together. If I had accountability I know that would make it infinitely easier for me. I would rather tell her than her find out another way. I still haven’t crossed any of the boundaries stated earlier regarding stealing and being scandalous.

It’s supposed to be 75 out tomorrow. How am I going to justify long sleeves? I have big beautiful arms that I usually love to show off. I have considered doing something that would really fuck them up to cover up the marks. I have a large bulge in the crook of my left arm. And my right is all red looking. Maybe have an incident where a rope gets dragged through? Idk. I’m not really into self harm unless it gets me high…This sucks! Sorry for the rant!
 
People from NA do sometimes enjoy a nice pissing contest.

Just know that you're above that.

Especially your arms. You could probably ring them out like a face towel.
 
They literally don’t let any else speak! Last time I was there was over a year ago and it was the exact same thing! The local NA meetings are a bunch of young kids that are either there cause their parents made them go, or court, or whatever. It’s like a big social hour for them. I don’t believe in god. I believe in universal energy. I also believe eco happens for a reason. There is a lesson in everything that happens to us. Sometimes finding out what that is is very difficult.
 
Yeah I never got it.

When people try to counter their feelings with dumb ass stories of how hard they went it's obnoxious.

Why not be vulnerable. No one is going to leave the meeting and be like wow that Johny guy who used to shoot a half gram of coke then sell used foreign cars was such an inspiration to my sobriety.

@Bin Noddin - I know you have it in you to continue.

Imagine all that excavation cash stacking up. And the free time to be able to critically think outside of compulsions. You can achieve a lot more.
 
AlphaMethylPhenyl said:
Don't know if that's really in the spirit of harm reduction. Cocaine already can cause some gnarly paranoia.
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nah, a chewed quid of salvia is hard to even registered as doing anything, but it definitely extinguishes cocaine seeking behavior.
im not saying "smoke a fat bowl of 25x extract" im saying "chew a quid of raw leaf"
 
You’re right man. Can’t even deny it. I’m just whining and wallowing. I have the tools, just need to use them. I have hobbies too man. I look at my dirt bike and sport bike every time I’m in my shop prepping something. The days I don’t use I have some interest.
 
cdin said:
nah, a chewed quid of salvia is hard to even registered as doing anything, but it definitely extinguishes cocaine seeking behavior.
im not saying "smoke a fat bowl of 25x extract" im saying "chew a quid of raw leaf"
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Source this please
 
pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov

The 2-methoxy methyl analogue of salvinorin A attenuates cocaine-induced drug seeking and sucrose reinforcements in rats - PubMed

κ Opioid receptor activation by traditional arylacetamide agonists and the novel neoclerodane diterpene κ opioid receptor agonist Salvinorin A (Sal A) results in attenuation of cocaine-seeking behavior in pre-clinical models of addiction. However, adverse effects such as sedation, depression and...
pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov

that's an anologue but i found papers before using just salvinorin-a. and experientially i have chewed a quid post cocaine use and yeh, it does do this. it's a very weird thing, but apparently kappa agonism is key in extinguishing cocaine seeking behavior.
 
Oh boy... I remember my Crack smoking days. It would start with a $40 than call the dealer again and it would go to $80 and by the end of the night I would end up spending up to $500 dollars. This was about 10 years ago. You just have to be strick with your self and just get over it no matter how hard that seems. So, where you also drinking when you decided to get coked up ? That's usually a trigger. Or where you just a tweeker ?
 
Neither drinking or a tweaked. Always hated stims! Just know that dope and booze will wreck me even faster than this. So gave it a try. I am writing myself a plan as we speak. Again I thre out about 60 dollars worth of drugs and 7 needles which I ran over with my car before putting in the garbage. This is probably the 5th time I’ve done that. 🤦

The poster above was correct about whining about what I need to do and not doing it. So I’m making a plan now and will begin implementing it tomorrow.
 
I’m getting in well guys. Haven’t put a needle in myself since Sunday morning!! That’s a good win for me. Believe it or not, my dealer is actually a decent guy. When I told him I have been main lining and I want him to block me he did. On the spot, I know because I tried to get ahold of him yesterday. 🤦 I literally have left myself with no money. I have enough gas to get me to pay day at which time I will transfer all of my check to my wife.

I wrote a plan for myself Saturday night. In that plan I allowed myself to use up the rest of my shit Sunday instead of throwing it away. The plan also included measures to make it very difficult for me to access money and my contact. I have been leaving my house at different times, taking different routes to work and home. I put a beautiful picture of my wife and girls on my Lock Screen. So they’re the first thing I see if I decide to be devious. I don’t fraternize with people who use hard drugs normally anymore. So it makes it easier for me to not be triggered by that.

So that’s where I’m at. I know 2 days ain’t shit! And there will be harder battles ahead. But at the moment I am content and a to have a sense of pride. As opposed to putting up a front to my family that I have it together, while I walk around feeling like styrofoam. And my arms are healing remarkably fast. I have been using neosporin multiple times a day. Along with letting them get air and sun.

Thank you to everyone who has reached out and checked in.
 
Bin Noddin said:
Haven’t put a needle in myself since Sunday morning!! ....I know 2 days ain’t shit!
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2 days is a fucking miracle for an addict, dude! Be proud of yourself.

Sounds like you're making serious changes and that's great-- keep it up!

You can do this. Trust me when I say that if I can do it,  anybody can do it. You just have to want to quit more than you want to use. Sounds to me like you've had enough. It only gets better & better from here on.

Best wishes on your journey.
 
I have been there bro. IV coke, meth, and pyros has taken me to some of the worst moments in my life. Literally hiding in a work van at a government building, paranoid, trying to slam whatever scraps I could work up. It's awful dude.

I had to simply stop everything and get away from it for a while. No rigs around for any reason, no stimulants for any reason. Went to rehab. I stumbled a few times, but have largely been IV free since 2020 at this point. And mostly never went as crazy as I did 5 years before that.

But the impulsive thoughts and obsession did bother me for a while. The first days are the hardest, so getting through those is key. You can definitely do it! If you need to chat hit me up. These days I haven't drank in almost 8 months, take my prescription meds, but am otherwise completely clean. And my life is starting to come together. You can definitely do it and relieve that obsession.
 
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