Help. i got a girl I work with preganant. She deceived me and told me she was on BC.

[kytnism]

This thread is absolutely shocking to me.

likewise.

...kytnism...

 

[CoffeeDrinker]

I kinda feel like an asshole for even taking part in the thread, and that goes beyond the general feeling of being an asshole for being on an internet forum in the first place. This is a very acute feeling of douchiness.

I guess it's an interesting story to have heard about though....

Sorry to everyone involved...especially the OP's girl.

 

[LilbabiC]

This whole story sounds like some soap opera stuff.

 

[silverman]

I appreciate everyone's comments. There were some harsh but accurate things said. It is nice to get some feedback as i have barely told anyone in my personal life and really needed to externalize how i was feeling about the whole thing..

To clarify some details, she knew that her BC was not active. She did lie to my face about it. She has admitted this much. What is not so clear is her motives. I knew from the beginning that she was very much more into me than I was into her. She told me that she lied because she just wanted to please me and she was afraid I would leave. This incredibly stupid reason may or may not be true. In retrospect, judging from her feelings for me, personality and how clingy she is I tend to believe her.

I did have an honest conversation with her before i started "dating" her. I strongly expressed my desires regarding the situation and she let me know that she felt it was wrong to do and that she would never be able to forgive herself. I then realized that the only way to get out of the situation would be to do what i did. I led her on and manipulated her knowing full well what i was doing. I knew I was simply acting out a role. I threw the birth control situation in her face at every opportunity. I even strongly encouraged her to go out drinking with me so that I could throw that in her face as a reason to terminate as well. I promised to take her on trips with me after it was all said and done. To cap it all off, after i knew she was very much attached to me I convinced her that, due to her dishonesty, if she did have the child, then she would never ever see me again.

I am not proud of these facts. If I told any of my family members they would be disgusted with me. I lay them out in a matter of fact matter here because I can hide behind anonymity while getting a genuine barometer of human reaction to my ruthless opportunism. This is the only outlet that i feel secure with at this moment.

i have grown to care for this girl but those feeling are born of guilt, obligation and remorse- not desire. She on the other hand has expressed her concerns that I will abandon her. she told me how excited she was that she was going to be a mother in seven months and n0ow instead she fears that she will simply be single. I am desperately trying to find a way to fix her.

Also i can't stop thinking about what could have been. Would having a child really be the worst thing for me? I have always had nothing but disdain for religion but my inner sense of morality tells me that extinguishing what is most certainly a human life for convenience is wrong. Let alone the way that i went about it. I am in the process of seriously evaluating who I thought I was, who I think i am, what i am capable of and what the actions of the person i really wish I was would be.

 

[Oats]

this is like knocked up kinda.

 

[Mel22]

It is absolutely not up to you to "fix her!" And, it's likely not possible for you to do so either.

Basically, you were lied to. Your life could have been drastically altered for the worst due to this woman's deception. She screwed with your life! Imagine being tied to her for the rest of your days? Having her feed your kid bullshit about what an arsehole their Dad is? It happens.

You did what you had to do - end of story.

Do not feel guilty, get this girl in to see a psychologist, then the rest is up to her. Leave her, move on and leave this behind you. You are not a bad person - you just didn't let someone alter your life in a way that you were not ready for, as unpleasant as what you did was. Sometimes you just have to do these things. Move on - don't let this screw you up. She is a needy mess, and she was like this long before you - she's not your responsibility, don't let her attach to you like this.

She is lonely. She said she'd never abort as she could never forgive herself, but she did it to keep you. How long have you known each other? For her to abort this child and go against her moral beliefs for a guy she hardly knows, then it couldn't have been much of a strong belief in my opinion. She chose you over the fetus, remember. The longer you stay with her, the worse it will be - her misery will rub off on you. Get out asap - she's not your responsibility. Get out, and move past this before it screws you up royally.

 

[Lysis]

This poor girl seems incredibly unstable. Having unprotected sex and lying about BC to please a guy? And then having an abortion to keep a guy? This is a really unfortunate situation. This girl really needs some goals or some kind of hobby. Anything to give her some self-esteem and a backbone.

 

[CoffeeDrinker]

Apparently her behavior can be predicted on internet boards by random dudes well before she actually takes any action. She seems extremely vulnerable.

 

[footscrazy]

I don't condone what this woman did at all but silverman, you have conducted yourself in a weak and dishonourable manner.

Your feeling of shame seems entirely justified.

 

[B1tO'RoughJack]

This poor girl seems incredibly unstable. Having unprotected sex and lying about BC to please a guy? And then having an abortion to keep a guy? This is a really unfortunate situation. This girl really needs some goals or some kind of hobby. Anything to give her some self-esteem and a backbone.

Yes...

Very very unfortunate - funny thing is there's a lot of girls out there like this...It's western (particularly USA & the UK...not sure about AU or the rest of the Commonwealth) society that has cultivated "bitches" - sado-masochistic tendencies from a very earlier age, and a lot of it is totally unconscious.

SAd times at Ridgemont High...

 

[DooMMooD]

I don't condone what this woman did at all but silverman, you have conducted yourself in a weak and dishonourable manner.

Your feeling of shame seems entirely justified.

This. Times a million.

I dont see at all how some people can still be attacking this poor girl. Maybe she did wrong, thats one thing. But to say that justifies her being forced into making a decision she clearly didnt want to make, despite it being her decision, by means of a lying, deceitful, dishonest approach.

To say any of his reaction was justified is horrible: just because someone does something horrible to you doesn't mean you should be allowed to do something horrible in return. The fact that ANY of you can defend this approach is disgusting. Sickening even.

Footscrazy is right, you SHOULD be ashamed and guilty, its appropriate that you feel this way. That you do proves to me that you are not a bad person: only a bad person would not feel guilt and shame for what you did.

You know you did the wrong thing. I have nothing else to say, except point out that while this man at least is aware of his mistake, and can therefor start to atone for it, many of you seem blind to the obvious moral problems with this approach. I only hope that many of you can at least have your eyes opened and realize just exactly what this man did wrong, so that you do not repeat the same mistakes he made.

The fact that honestly few if any of you think he did anything wrong is simply bewildering to me.

"The ends justify the means", psh. No one is ever justified in taking a person and breaking them.

 

[muvolution]

The fact that he doesn't feel bad only proves he isn't a sociopath, not that he isn't a bad person.

Op, I feel you did the right thing. There is one person you are responsible for in your life, and that is you. You knew you couldn't handle a child, and did what had to be done to ensure it didn't happen. Fucked up? Yes, but so is this entire sitution.
If you are having heavy guilt feelings now, imagine how much more shameful it would be to have a child you don't know and don't care for.

 

[Josair]

I'll quote this

This poor girl seems incredibly unstable.

and this

If you are having heavy guilt feelings now, imagine how much more shameful it would be to have a child you don't know and don't care for.

.

OP, I think you did the right thing in the wrong way. Support her if you can, or find help for both. See if any support group is adequate to your situation, and check with her if she is willing to have 'external' help. And, I dare say, keep your lies (white or otherwise coloured) to a minimum, as you will someday go away and hurt her again (this assuming you don't want to cause more suffering to her).

Btw, IIRC you're colleagues. If so, consider asking to be moved in another city/change company: the girl will continue to be dangerous for you, expecially if you're in the same workplace.

 

[DooMMooD]

The fact that he doesn't feel bad only proves he isn't a sociopath, not that he isn't a bad person.

Op, I feel you did the right thing. There is one person you are responsible for in your life, and that is you. You knew you couldn't handle a child, and did what had to be done to ensure it didn't happen. Fucked up? Yes, but so is this entire sitution.
If you are having heavy guilt feelings now, imagine how much more shameful it would be to have a child you don't know and don't care for.

Sociopaths are bad people, and dangerous to boot. Anyone who cannot feel empathy obviously cannot care for anyone save themselves.

Not to derail, back on topic.

OP, I think you are a good person b/c you clearly regret what you did. And you do a lot it seems. Anyone telling you not to feel guilty over what you did is crazy IMO.

Also just so we're all on the same page: I NEVER SAID HE SHOULD HAVE THE KID! In fact, if anyone goes and reads my first post in this thread, I said that he was well within his rights to try as hard as he could to convince the girl to give it up. But he went way further than that, he lied, cheated, and did everything possible wrong in his quest to make his life more convenient.

You're all saying his life would be over if he had a kid, well it wouldn't. It would just be different. Many people (including quite a few i know personally) were in the exact same situation as the OP, but you know what? Instead of lying and deceiving the girl into giving up the child in the most horrific and horrendously selfish way (that as the OP says, will probably haunt both of them for a long time), they manned up and became a parent.

And you know what? Many of them learned it was a very rewarding, life changing experience. Maybe not an improvement, but definitely not the end of their lives. Youre all acting like his life was OVER if he didnt do this, so anything was justified. But his life would've gone on, it just would've been different.

Christ youre all acting like he was justified in doing whatever it took to get rid of this kid. From the way a lot of you are talking it sounds like you would've agreed had he chopped her up and tossed her in the ocean....because I mean he wasn't ready for a kid, it would've fucked up his life, so he did what he had to do, amirite?

 

[loganjp]

The ones that get pregnant on purpose to try and keep a guy never admit to it. You are fucked, dude. Congratulations on the new family.

 

[Wizzle]

Just imagine what would have happened if she did have the baby. You would have your life cut out for you and the baby would have an obviously unstable and irresponsible mother. Machiavellian? Sure, but sometimes that's the right thing to do. You do not owe her anything, stop making promises and finish it before you start owing her.

 

[verso]

Are you all there mentally? Birth control isn't 100% effective in ANY form. My sister takes birth control like as directed every day like clockwork and last year she had diarrhea for a couple days and it made it stop working (little known fact-that CAN happen) and she got pregnant but then miscarried because she kept taking her pills. Don't make this girl look like the bad guy because OP only wanted to fuck her when they were both drunk. They are both adults, and they made the adult decision to have sex. OP, I sure as hell don't think this girl should care about how it affects YOU, you can bounce if you want. She is going to have to carry this baby (or deal with the heartbreak of abortion/adoption) and all you can think about is yourself. You won't get fat, have crazy mood swings, have to pee all the time, be poked and prodded by doctors. Have a little fucking sympathy and respect for the woman carrying your child and man up. You took the chance by not wearing a condom. You're almost 30, you should fucking know better.

Right, birth control is not one hundred percent effective, and that's why I said had she taken her birth control, then it's very likely and not absolutely, for-sure, guaranteed she would not have gotten pregnant. I'm thinking you might be illiterate, perhaps?

The pill is very effective, and while there is a chance that she may still have gotten pregnant, it's not likely. It would be like spinning a roulette wheel with just one little pie-slice, one number, that you'd need to land on for pregnancy to occur; but even that would be more likely to happen, as there are only, what, thirty-seven numbers on a roulette wheel? So it would be more like having a roulette wheel with one hundred fucking numbers on it, and you would need to land on one of just two numbers on the wheel... do you have any idea how unlikely that is? Would you put your money down on one of those two numbers? No, because it's incredibly unlikely, and stupid... could happen, but not likely to happen.

I understand what you're saying, I really do... that they're both adults, and it could have happened anyway even if she had taken the pill... but that doesn't change things in the world of probability and it doesn't change what actually happened. I'm starting to think that you're not all there "mentally" if that's your approach to things. "It could happen anyway, so fuck it!" Then why bother doing anything at all, why bother taking any precautions, when the less favorable outcome is always a possibility, even if only a remote possibility? Hell, why even bother with the condom then? You say, "You took the chance by not wearing a condom." Well, then he also takes the chance by wearing the condom, right? Condoms aren't one hundred percent either, are they?

I'm thinking that you're young, and I'm not trying to insult you... but uh... no, a father cannot just "bounce if [he] wants." And I just hope you come to understand how screwed up this situation is without ever experiencing one similar to it yourself... and I'd like to just leave it at that.

EDIT: And what's this about, "Don't make the girl look like the bad guy..." ? I wouldn't dream of it, and couldn't possibly make this girl look any worse than she already does to any rational person here on this board. I promise

 

[Josair]

The pill is very effective, and while there is a chance that she may still have gotten pregnant,

And we're even talking about something even more effective than the pill. With depo-provera (I assuming that's what we're talking about here), no amount of bouts of diarrhea will decrease the effectiveness of the contraceptive. The same goes for IUDs. We're talking of a reduction of >99% in the number of pregnancies. You should inseminate the girls hundreds of times in very fertile days to have a chance to actually get here pregnant. The only real risk is finding a psychologically disturbed girl, like the OP did.

Btw:

Well, then he also takes the chance by wearing the condom, right? Condoms aren't one hundred percent either, are they?

Indeed, the only 100% sure birth control method is abstinency. I wonder how many act accordingly, though

 

[killermunchies]

While the OP didn't go about this situation in the best way possible, I feel that the ends justify the means. After she lied to him about the birth control to make him stay with her, she basically deserved what she got. She tried to be a manipulative bitch and got what was coming to her. While two wrongs don't make a right, having a kid you want nothing to do with with a mentally unstable mother would have been much worse for everyone involved. In the end, the girl is the one that made the choice. Considering the reason she chose to abort and her other obvious short comings, she would have probably been a terrible mother to begin with.

 

[Mel22]

While two wrongs don't make a right, having a kid you want nothing to do with with a mentally unstable mother would have been much worse for everyone involved.

^ This.