hello (:

[bearmom]

hello! i'm bearmom. i am neither a bear nor a mom -- sorry to disappoint. i absolutely love bears, and am the resident mom friend in my social circle, hence the name!

i've lurked here for about a year or so now and finally decided to make an account. it's been a while since i've used a forum site, and the social interaction can be nice so here i am!

unfortunately, majority of my drug history and experience is addiction-based. my main DOC being meth, which i've been struggling with for the last 3 years now. i'm very happy to say that my use now is nowhere near what it used to be. at my lowest point in my addiction, i was shooting 2g+ daily, redosing every 1-2 hours, fucking up veins, getting infections, and all that other good fun stuff. i haven't touched a needle in a year now, and for the most part stay clean. i get anywhere from 1-3 months clean, will slip up and use for a week, then get clean again. i'd like to not use at all anymore someday, and can finally start to see myself heading in that direction, which is great! i also enjoy smoking weed, though do notice addiction patterns with it, so i'm trying to be careful with that.

when i started doing IV, i was completely self-taught. everything i learned was from the internet. i didn't have people to show me or tell me things or warn me, even. i didn't know the dangers of it, nor anything else for that matter. a lot of what i know i had to learn through trial and error. i wish i had found this site when i was first starting with that, so i could learn not only what exactly i was getting myself into, but the safest way to do it. but hey, i'm here now, so i'm looking forward to being able to learn, share, help, and discuss!

thank you for taking the time to read this

have fun, be safe, and know that bear mom loves you

 

[streaM Freak]

Hi @bearmom.

As you know, BL has tons of HR (harm reduction) info.

But, it's nice to hear that you and a good chunk of new members are actually fighting to stay sober and come here for the social aspect and the comfort of knowing we are not alone.

That's great to hear. Congrats on pushing through. Would be interested to hear more about you in say "health and recovery" or something, because my DOC was meth as well, sober for just over 3 years, the night dreams have gone away, but recently the day dreams and fantasy have came back in full force.

Glad to have you, welcome here!

 

[jasperkent]

Welcome to BlueLight!

 

[bearmom]

Hi @bearmom.

As you know, BL has tons of HR (harm reduction) info.

But, it's nice to hear that you and a good chunk of new members are actually fighting to stay sober and come here for the social aspect and the comfort of knowing we are not alone.

That's great to hear. Congrats on pushing through. Would be interested to hear more about you in say "health and recovery" or something, because my DOC was meth as well, sober for just over 3 years, the night dreams have gone away, but recently the day dreams and fantasy have came back in full force.

Glad to have you, welcome here!

thank you so much for the welcome!

three years is incredible! is there anything in particular you would say has helped you to get there, and stay there?

i’m pretty isolated in my recovery, so seeing others that have gone through this and are on the other side is nice to see. the longest i’ve ever gone without meth is 4 months. my situation helps beget the addiction, but i’m working on that too.

i’m sorry that you’ve been dealing with those fantasies lately, that sounds rough. is there anything that helps you get through them?

sorry for derailing my intro into a game of 20 questions, feel free to PM me!

 

[streaM Freak]

thank you so much for the welcome!

three years is incredible! is there anything in particular you would say has helped you to get there, and stay there?

i’m pretty isolated in my recovery, so seeing others that have gone through this and are on the other side is nice to see. the longest i’ve ever gone without meth is 4 months. my situation helps beget the addiction, but i’m working on that too.

i’m sorry that you’ve been dealing with those fantasies lately, that sounds rough. is there anything that helps you get through them?

sorry for derailing my intro into a game of 20 questions, feel free to PM me!

Honestly what's helped currently get through the urges is vaping nicotine.

The thing that got me up and out of it initially was a literal change of location and the start of a relationship w a woman who has never done drugs before. It's hard to explain the struggles and I often feel like it's never good enough, but yeah thanks I need to remind myself that 3 years is a lot.

So for me what helped was a total change in life style, as well as a stimulant substitute. I might have more to add about what helped when the thoughts come to me, but recently it's been hard to remember because I've been wrapped up in other thoughts.

Are there things, situations or feelings, that you can identify you feel or do right before a relapse or right before a change in mindset to want to recover?

 

[streaM Freak]

I dug deeper:

What else has helped is remembering all the bad times, and naming what I'm currently grateful for.

 

[PtahTek]

know that bear mom loves you

Know that the love is returned. And welcome to bl guess we'll be seeing ya around, no?

 

[M!$TER-ED]

Welcome @bearmom you have tremendous insight about yourself and your addiction. Knowing yourself is key to understanding your role and place in life. Ordinary decisions are not ordinary at all but choices that your future and life itself.

You mentioned being ‘self-taught’ that was something you wanted to learn and accomplish first by instruction and later by trial and error. Don’t you see how powerful you will is to accomplish what you want from life? You know you are in control at all times, whether you want to stop using over a period of time, or for good you know you can.

I admire your spirit and independence, not many people understand the power of choice and how to use it to shape the life they truly want.

 

[Robi]

welcome

 

[bearmom]

Honestly what's helped currently get through the urges is vaping nicotine.

The thing that got me up and out of it initially was a literal change of location and the start of a relationship w a woman who has never done drugs before. It's hard to explain the struggles and I often feel like it's never good enough, but yeah thanks I need to remind myself that 3 years is a lot.

So for me what helped was a total change in life style, as well as a stimulant substitute. I might have more to add about what helped when the thoughts come to me, but recently it's been hard to remember because I've been wrapped up in other thoughts.

Are there things, situations or feelings, that you can identify you feel or do right before a relapse or right before a change in mindset to want to recover?

i also vape, though don't find that it helps me with cravings. a good shout, though! smoking weed helps me get through cravings sometimes, though. that or makes me too stoned to want to leave the house to go pick up.

the lifestyle/location/situation change is something i desperately want for myself. majority of the time i have no trouble staying away from it myself. but when i have those bad days, i'm rarely able to stop myself from giving in. i know moving/relationships/etc., are things that rarely hinder an addict from using if they really want to use. but 95% of the time, i don't want to use it all. i only have one source, and it's incredibly low-effort for me to go pick up right now. i'm hoping moving away will help me during that other 5% of the time. hopefully within the next year!

that last question is a tough one for me to want to try to answer in any earnest detail. i have noticed a lot of different things over the years that push me one way or the other. 90% of my use or desire to use is based in trauma, mental illness, unhealthy coping, and self-destruction. then i do it, realize how awful it is, shame, guilt, and the genuine desire to not have this in my life, to recover. it took me a while to get to the point of actually wanting to be clean, for myself, and now that i am here, it's like i'm still being haunted by that old part of me that either wants to burn everything to the ground again, or is trying to ease the pain of a broken bone with a bullet.

I dug deeper:

What else has helped is remembering all the bad times, and naming what I'm currently grateful for.

these are things i've definitely wrote out lists for, but don't think to revisit, especially if i'm feeling like i want to use. that's something i'll have to work at doing better on.

thank you so much for your answers and insights!

 

[bearmom]

Welcome @bearmom you have tremendous insight about yourself and your addiction. Knowing yourself is key to understanding your role and place in life. Ordinary decisions are not ordinary at all but choices that your future and life itself.

You mentioned being ‘self-taught’ that was something you wanted to learn and accomplish first by instruction and later by trial and error. Don’t you see how powerful you will is to accomplish what you want from life? You know you are in control at all times, whether you want to stop using over a period of time, or for good you know you can.

I admire your spirit and independence, not many people understand the power of choice and how to use it to shape the life they truly want.

your reframing of this is very encouraging, and not something i've thought to see for myself in it, so thank you!

 

[bearmom]

Know that the love is returned. And welcome to bl guess we'll be seeing ya around, no?

thank you! i definitely do want to make an effort to interact here every now and again, so i'm sure you will!

 

[streaM Freak]

@bearmom - that seems like a lot to be thinking about, and that you try to avoid thinking about it.

It's a difficult thing to face. But asking yourself the questions is a good start. Because you won't stop if you aren't 100% for real about stopping. And you'd only assess your level of commitment by asking yourself the tough questions.

Good luck, you can absolutely overcome this.

Just visualize it and start with small changes. Stack them over time. Start changing your mindset to become more healthy.

 

[kiely]

Change your habits ... And be safe most definitely.

Welcome. You are doing so much better.

You can do this if you want to. It's the most major accomplishment indeed.

Thanks for being interesting and in depth and I enjoyed this thread too.

k

 

[bvc]

Welcome to Bluelight! People here have the desire, skills, and ability to help you. Let's get you going!