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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

He dances with the needle and spoon...leaving me emotionally numb

:\ @ 13adhesive no, i didnt see your post as being dickheaded because its not, its the truth. your post was the truth, handsdown.

i'm growing very keen to the addict game. i know the whole routine now.. its a manipulation of the weak by the weak. i dont pay for his meds anymore, but i used to...once i stopped being so "giving and understanding" to his needs, he's started asking his parents for money instead and they willingly give it to him...
he is on my health insurance plan as my spouse, which does give him some help on getting meds and doctors.. and to be honest, sometimes, i cant help but wonder if that's one of the reasons he keeps hanging on to me (besides the fact that i'm his wife). we live in the house that i own, i have a full time professional career, that pays very well and i pay all of the bills. i live paycheck to paycheck. Over years, i've learned to keep valuables such as cash, checks, credit cards, my meds, etc with me at all times while im at work or out of the house and hidden away from him when i'm at home.
over the past year, i dont clean up after him anymore, i dont cook dinner every night anymore (actually hardly ever), i dont tend to his needs much anymore, i dont really buy shit for him at the grocery store anymore, i dont lay with him and snuggle anymore, i don't share my kush with him anymore, i dont give him any of my xanax or adderall, i dont really invite him places with me anymore, i dont give him money directly, i dont put gas in his truck anymore, i dont help him look for jobs anymore... he's a grown man and should have the capacity to be self sustaining and should be able to support his own habits. What a pussy of him..if i can do it, anyone can do it.

your suggestion on a vacation sounds perfect...i dont have the money resources to do something like that YET. but for the time being, i do things on a much smaller scale without him just on a day to day basis. i am slowly liberating myself and it feels really good when i do. i am moving slowly on making a major move, as i also am dealing with some of my own personal issues.

i am very familar with suboxone..to me, its just something else to become addicted to..being an addict is a lifestyle and i am not an addict..i shouldnt have to live that lifestyle.
i want an intimate meaningful fullfilling relationship with him..i do not want a child with him; i dont want the responsibility and i really dont think it's a wise choice to make at the time.

thanks for allowing me to ramble..and much love and appreciation for all of the concerns, suggestions, replies, and comments on my post.. please feel free to message me or continue with replies....
i'm in a mentally weird place and need all the support i can get.

much lovebugg love <3
 
Update long overdue....
February 2014, we separated. He moved out of our home and into his parents home.
August 2014, I filed for divorce.
September 11, 2014, my "best" friend drove him to my attorney's office to sign the divorce papers.
October 31,2014, our divorce was legally finalized.
Feb 14,,2015, the last time we spent time together.
March 8, 2015, the last phone conversation we had together (we talked for four solid hours...a very good talk).
APRIL 1, 2015 HIS PARENTS FOUND HIM UNRESPONSIVE SITTING SLUMPED OVER AT THE FOOT OF HIS BED (still wearing his work clothes)...
APRIL 2, 2015 I received a phone call from his father at 5 am...THE phone call, the dreaded phone call, telling me that Matt lost his life last night.

Exactly 6months after our divorce, HE IS DEAD...the young age of 36.
We were married on April 30, he died on April 1--the whole month of April for the rest of my life will be ehh somber.

I never in a million years thought it would hurt so bad and be so hard to handle. I miss him. Even now, 7 months later, I wish I could call him and talk, and hear his laugh and feels his arms wrap around me.
I didn't mention in my previous post but we were high school sweethearts...he's been in my life for twenty years, now he's really gone forever..I always had a love for him.

He is finally free.

Lovebugg is at a loss of love. <\3
 
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I just found your post today and I was hoping that at the end you would update as I saw the dates from over 2 years ago although I was wishing for a different type of update that maybe he went to rehab and you got the man you deserved. I am so sorry and my heart aches for you from your earlier post you can tell how much you loved him and just wanted to live that fairy tail life. Even though he was an addict and a horrible person at times you two must of had some good times together and all I can say is try to hold on to those there was a reason you dated him a reason you married him hold that in your heart.

Again I am sorry for your loss and of course its going to hit you hard and hurt you two were high school sweethearts and thats twenty years you dont just forget that is a huge part of your life you two grew up together although in you grew apart there is always going to be apart of you that loves him that wishes he took the steps to change and maybe if he had things would be different. It will be hard but you will get thru this like I said earlier try to forget the bad memories and just hold on to the good ones. My heart is with you and remember if you need to vent or talk thats why we are here. Don't crawl into a hole as much as it seems that would be the easiest way to deal with it its the wrong way.

Do you still see your therapist? They will be a huge help during this time in your life. The pain is still fresh both from divorcing and everything you went thru and his death. You need to talk about it and not keep it buried down deep. The best thing is to face it and not hide from it. Remember we are here if you need us.
 
Im glad you wrote the update Lovebugg, If nothing else might serve as a warning.
I read through the thread, a sad affair. Being in a relationship with a junkie is always a very tough thing to deal with. The way you describe they found him, I can somehow quite visually picture it in my mind for some reason, very harrowing and sad in lots of ways. I hope his parents survive this and the grief doesnt bury them emotionally. Or you for that matter. He choose drugs, its extremely difficult to do anything in these situations but to let go and leave, help only if they really seek (true) genuine help.
And dont let this be a too somber of a time for you every year. Might be a cliche but life is for the living, dont let it drag you down, dont cling to death, theres too much of it around as it is. You seem like an intelligent person with lots of aspirations, dont let memories hold you back. So many of us spend far too much time in hour heads whether in the past or the future, so we forget to enjoy life now and look ahead in a healthy manner. Remember the good Matt and know you were loving and tried. But at a certain point, you start to ruin your own life if you dont know when your effort is being wasted, drugs change a person.
I know its easier said than done but truly dont dwell on it too much, we all choose our own paths after all's been said and done. You need to look ahead, dont look back for too long, be aware of it but life is in front of you and should be appreciated.
 
I did not see the updates. Deleted my post as it is irrelevant. So sorry for your loss.
 
Lovebugg, I've been where you are. After 20 some years of marriage, my spouse developed a full-blown addition to Morphine, MS contin and vodka. With oxys on the side.
I feel I lost him twice-he chose addiction over me, and then to death. I just saw your up-date and I'm so sorry. I made the same choices you did-I got out before his habit injured me as well.

Please accept my sympathies. Please do not feel that YOU could have altered his choices.
 
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