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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

He dances with the needle and spoon...leaving me emotionally numb

I know this sounds horrible, but when he does these things he is taking advantage of your love. He might not even love you like you love him. I was a terrible alcoholic and druggy when I had a gf that loved me way more than I loved her. She put up with me doing horrible things to myself because of her unwavering love. Does he have this unwavering love for you? I think if he did, he might realize how much his addiction is hurting you, he would talk to you, tell you how much it hurts him to see you hurt. You realize that your codependency might KILL HIM in the long run? I've been on the other end of your problem and I can never, ever, forgive myself for what I did to that poor girl. Yet, after the emotional break down of splitting up was the best thing she ever did for herself.

I really think this can only get worse than get better. If you truly love each other (which it sounds like you guys do, which I'm so jealous of) it might be a good idea to lay the cards on the table. Tell him you love him, tell him you will always be there for him, but tell him that he's hurting you. I know that if my girl had done that to me, I would have probably gotten better, sooner. You can tell him that you will always be there for him, no matter what, but you'd like him to stop, and you will support him with every once of your body if he decides to seek treatment. If he truly loves you, he wouldn't want to do this to you anymore.

Just remember, even though you are not responsible for what he does to himself, the way you are supporting his habit CAN KILL HIM.
 
thats a hard situation
i feel like its easy for someone on the outside looking in to just say leave him...
i put my boyfriend through this stuff... i feel horrible about it now, i am clean and we are still together
he also had to see me stop breathing at one point
 
That's why, I always get my women hooked on my DOC....puts everyone on the same page!

Whoa, that's evil! I don't intentionally do it but it's happened a few times. I've been with my girlfriend for 5 years....I didn't want her to start using H but she talked me into it....I was high and I gave it to her....It's almost like we weren't even together while we were using for 4 years...I kept her away from all the grimy shit and grimy people...we both worked most of the time....

This situation just sounds bad...a lot of dishonesty and bullshit....I never made it a secret. I'm spendin everything on my drugs when I'm using! She was gettin high too, so she didn't care. what a waste of life! We've both been clean for over a year and she's the one with the good job now supporting my ass. I had a great job making good money. Now, because of my record, I can't even get a job in this town.....

He probably does love you and regrets what he's doing....It's just, stopping is more complicated than it sounds...Get that bitch on methadone or sumthin....

Things can go back to normal if he stops and you guys really love each other....Since we've stopped using, we love each other more than ever...True love is worth fighting to save
 
update here: i've figured out that he's on a junkie schedule..sleeps all day and up all night (nighttime is his slammin time)..
i walked in on him slamming three times in less than one week during the weeeee hours of the morning recently. he smilingly acknowledged my presence each time. besides him acknowledging my presence, we barely spoke for two weeks after this.

i wasnt discussing the matter with him without a professional moderator in the room (our marriage therapist).
he almost didnt show up for our session, but he did at the last minute..he looked like pure hell...
i told the therapist what happened. after that, boy, let me say it was the worst attack i've ever experienced in my life...my husband threw out every sword, thorn, hurtful, all of my wrongdoings, my disfuctional upbringing, all the things i've ever done in my past, and painted this horrific picture of me...as i cried, my husband unyieldingly squashed my soul to the ground.

the therapist asked what my husband was willing to do to help our marriage...he replied "i wont leave you". therapist asked what i thought about that..I sat and thought for a good three or so minutes, but had no reply i wanted to vocalize. I mean, what the fuck? thats what he's willing to do???...why would he want to leave when he's got a silver spoon? he has no responsibilities and claims so much victimhood from his addiction, which he doesnt always claim.

i'm hanging by one string of thread...twirling around waiting on the string to break me free from this burden who wont leave.
is it normal for me to not feel a damn lick of like for him anymore? is it normal for me to be so torn and lost now that this has happened? is it normal for me to want to run away and never look back?

i dont fight for something i dont believe in..i dont believe him anymore and he knows that i wont believe him until he shows me i can believe him. too many empty promises have been made and so much water has flowed OVER the bridge.

i dont know what to do...so i am just sitting..waiting on whatever to happen..i'm just living my life one day at a time.
 
lovebugg said:
update here:i told the therapist what happened. after that, boy, let me say it was the worst attack i've ever experienced in my life...my husband threw out every sword, thorn, hurtful, all of my wrongdoings, my disfuctional upbringing, all the things i've ever done in my past, and painted this horrific picture of me...as i cried, my husband unyieldingly squashed my soul to the ground.

the therapist asked what my husband was willing to do to help our marriage...he replied "i wont leave you". therapist asked what i thought about that..I sat and thought for a good three or so minutes, but had no reply i wanted to vocalize. I mean, what the fuck? thats what he's willing to do???...why would he want to leave when he's got a silver spoon? he has no responsibilities and claims so much victimhood from his addiction, which he doesnt always claim.
Click to expand...

Of course hes going to attack you. Every single addict does that when confronted, myself included. He is attempting (miserably to boot) to take the attention off of him. And it worked. Instead of being focused on him being a shitty asshole, you became focused on YOUR wrong doings.

Junkie tactics 101. Put the person revealing the truth in pain so they stop revealing the truth. You know what I once said to my mother when she found me busting up an opana on a mirror with a straw in her hand? I started ranting about all the times she fucked up raising me. TOTALLY UNRELATED to the fact that I literally was in the process of preparing drugs in front of her. And guess what? I got to finish my opana....


The second paragraph in your quote says it all. Dump his ass.

Hes going to try and manipulate things so you dont. Hes' going to pretend that hes no longer using, and may even stop for a minute. He's going to lie, cheat, beg, steal. Hes going to say he loves you, that he'll die without you. That he'll KILL himself without you. Well fuck that. It's ALL bullshit, seriously. And even if its not? It is SO WRONG to blackmail a significant other with suicide that its...shameful to say the least. I should know because I effectively did the same thing.

You'll know hes serious when he gets clean after you dump him. Until that point, its all going to be a game to him to hide what hes doing. Sorry its rough but its the truth. Dump his ass and dont even think twice about it.
 
I think it's up to you to leave your husband, unless all you want out of a man is to "not leave you". You would be foolish to stay with him.

Don't take this as an insult, take it as the truth, and do the right thing for your life. Best of luck.
 
I am an addict. I also am an asshole. Because addicts usually are assholes.
And maybe I'm crossing the line here but I have seen these kinds of relationships real close (and since I also know how addicts are) - you are enabling him. I know you try to support he man you love but it seems he does not want nor appreciate your support. So I would advise radical action. Leave. Give him an ultimatum - rehab or you. Whatever it takes that would shake him enough that he at least tries to take the first step.

But he might choose drugs over you. Or he might swear to be done with it and still keep using until he's caught again. But he might also get the kick he needs to start climbing out.

But try to not enable him. You are worth THE BEST. He - potentially best, but right now? Far from it. And you are absolutely entitled to demand him to live up to the best you are worth.

And you can not help anyone who doesn't want help. But you DO have ways to make your life better. Change what you can, addicts can probably not be changed - and put yourself and your needs finally first. You deserve it.
 
lovebugg said:
i dont know what to do...so i am just sitting..waiting on whatever to happen..i'm just living my life one day at a time.
Click to expand...

What is it going to take for you to take action? Don't wait on things to happen, be the person who creates change in your life! You personally know you are unhappy, and you know what to do to change things. You of course have options, but you cannot be surprised if you continue to stay unhappy if you do nothing.
 
Its a bittersweet toxic combination. as i continue to live my life with a monkey on my back, i am becoming weary and slowly find myself starting to sink..addiction is a disease that eats away at everything and everyone involved with or emotionally attached to the addict..
i'm so codependent, its almost like i have to hit my rock bottom before i truly grasp my own self worth and take some REAL action on the matter.
F**k this is tough.
 
lovebugg said:
Its a bittersweet toxic combination. as i continue to live my life with a monkey on my back, i am becoming weary and slowly find myself starting to sink..addiction is a disease that eats away at everything and everyone involved with or emotionally attached to the addict..
i'm so codependent, its almost like i have to hit my rock bottom before i truly grasp my own self worth and take some REAL action on the matter.
F**k this is tough.
Click to expand...
codependency itself is a form of addiction. its hard :/ stay strong dear.
 
Hi Lovebugg, I have rarely posted on Bluelight, but have been an avid visitor for many years now. So the fact that I felt compelled to post a reply in regard to your situation/story should be a strong indicator for you on the extent to which I'm concerned for you, specifically your safety. I'll start by saying that his demeanor towards you and his general 'I don't care' attitude is beyond disgusting-and since this is the case there is no logically reason for you to feel as if him saying he will never leave you is anything but the fact that it benefits his own selfish needs, and even though him saying that may have in some way made you feel better, as in even though he is an addict with sever issues, atleast you know you will always have someone, and keep that hope alive even if its just a small fraction that maybe things will change and get better. Unfortunately though, if this is the case, it is just another tactic of an addict attempting to preserve their current lifestyle, which I must say, he is damn lucky to have someone like you who has stuck it out for so long and who obviously cares deeply. It sickens me how this man has used you and continues to do so, he couldn't even be bothered to hide his shady behavior from you and not only that but his pure lack of any remorse or care about how you as a human being and more so, his wife might feel about his despicable actions! For him to ask you to come lay with him and then trying to touch you in any way after you caught him red handed is the only evidence I need to say without any conviction that he does not see you in a way that a loving and caring husband should, in fact, far from it.

Now, the last thing and this is what really compelled me to respond is the look you saw in his eyes and the loaded guns laying around the house. To some people this may not be that big of a deal for guns are a huge part of our culture, almost like its no big deal its just a gun, but for me that way of thinking just adds to the problems we see in our society. His is a felon so he is not allowed to even be in the presence of guns let alone have loaded ones laying around the house, and now you add the fact that he is a I.V. drug addict who has clearly shown no remorse for any of his actions, and with that devilish look you seen in his eyes (which is what really made this relate-able to me) I feel as if your safety is at risk. That look you saw is something I have seen with my own eyes as well, and for me it is the the embodiment of a persons true being. What I mean by that, is when its seems as if you are able to look in their eyes and literally see right through them as if they have no soul, I personally believe that is the ultimate sign of what has become of that person.

The one thing that sticks out at me through my own experiences is related to a severe drug addict and an overall user and abuser of drugs and people in which that look you mention seeing is your husbands eyes was the same look me and my bestfriend (who was dating this person) noticed on a daily basis. But the really reason I feel the need to share that with you is because of what that person did to my best friend. Within months of dating her my friend was infected with the herpes virus in which she never once ever mentioned having it (later we found out through her own sick personal attacks on my friend that she knew she had it and all along and had planned to pass it to him in an attempt to degrade him so low that he felt worthless enough to feel as if he could never be with another women) and it worked, he felt like he was disgusting and that no one else would ever want to be with him again. Sadly that was just the beginning of the sickest and most unconscionable treatment of another human being I have ever witnessed.

My best friend had a great job, money in the bank, cars, all the stuff that a predatory drug addict looks for when choosing their next victim. All in all she was able to take him for everything he had, how you might ask? She drugged my friend (who of course was using drugs on his own, like he always has) but before he could figure out is wasn't just his own use that was causing him to blackout with extreme memory loss of sometimes days at a time, it was far to late. He was being injected with dirty needles containing ketamine as well as benzos and who knows what else. Come to find out she was a gang member in which her brother was a leader of and in the end she literally made him gang property and carved the gang initials into his skin. It ended with him seeking medical help as well as legal help from lawyers and police and in an attempt to protect herself and the gang she broke into his apartment while he was sleeping with multiple people who held him down and injected him with lethal doses of multiple drugs. When he woke up 24 hours later he had track marks all over his body including a broken needle tip stuck in his hand as well as a puddle of blood next to him where he was on the bed. He found drugs like heroine and ketamine that he had never even seen in his life scattered throughout his room. First thing he did was smoke a bong hoot before he went to the hospital and to cap it all off it ended up having PCP in the bowl that his girlfriend had planted there which was the icing on the cake and put him over the top causing extreme physios and some other very disturbing side effects. He spent over a week in the hospital/mental health crisis center, and has never fully recovered. The dirty needles must have passed hep-c on to him as well.

Truely sorry that this was such a longggg reply but I would not have been able to sleep tonight if I didnt share my insight and story with you in hopes that it would be useful to to you in some way or another, even if there is a .0001% chance that I could possible help another human being to me it is worth the try. I put alot of energy that I dont really have to type this and share this with you so even if people feel I went over board or whatever, i hope atleast you can respect me for trying my very best to help a person that I don't even know. I am not religious so I cant say Ill be praying for you Lovebugg but my heart goes out to you and I will be back to check this thread since this wont ever fully leave my mind, be strong!!
 
Why are you staying with this trash of a human being? Honestly many of us have been/are drug addicts, and yes we have/continue to hurt our loved ones, but there is a difference between an addiction affecting others and being a completely heartless, selfish person who doesn't give a shit about anything but them self. He clearly doesn't love you, you clearly love him, which is very sad, but it is what it is. He is using you, judging from this man's heartless attitude(which is not a trademark of all addicts btw, only shit human beings), you're never going to have happiness with this person. What is there even to love about someone like this? He is just capitalizing on your emotions towards him, he's using it to his favor.

Dump this person and don't look back. Honestly what is it going to take for you to take some damn action here? What are you waiting for? You're unhappy, your husband is a selfish emotionally manipulating heartless user who shows you no love at all and doesn't give you anything in the relationship, just takes. You know you're not happy, so why aren't you leaving? If you stay with him and continue to further damage your life and emotional wellbeing you are only going to have yourself to blame for not taking action sooner.
 
I am a drug addict and this aspect keeps me away from relationships. I don't feel it's fair to try and drag someone else down with me. It actually messes with me a lot because the only thing I use these days are synthetic cannabinoids but I still can't seem to help spending almost all of my time in a sedated daze when I have them. Yeah synth noids aren't as addictive and degrading as opiates (been there, done that) but even if I still go on the intermittent noid binge I know I can't effectively juggle a relationship.

Deep down I want to do whatever the fuck I want to do and I simply can't fathom lying all the time and using around a girlfriend unless she was just as fucked as me.

I'd say leave his ass but I know it's all easy in theory but tough in practice. I have been so unhappy and lonely for years. But still I refuse to completely let go of the drugs and alcohol that keep me miserable and lonely in the first place.

I hope we both find happiness somewhere because it's not where we are now.
 
Dip'Dat'Dank...thank you so much for taking the time to post a reply.. your message may have seemed longggg, but i read it sitting on the edge of my seat. your post spoke volumes to me. i really dont know what to say, besides thank you for sharing your insight with me, as i can relate to your friend's nightmarish experiences (maybe not 100%, but close enough).

i don't know how any human being can be so twistedly sick enough to do those type things to another person. the scary fact of the matter is that your story was someone's reality and could possibly happen to me or anyone else for that matter. after reading your post, i can see that some of these situations you mentioned have already manifested in my own life. i have a ton of racing thoughts at the moment and havent the slightest clue as to how to subside them...nor where to begin.
if you dont mind, i may send you a message later on, after my mind has soaked and sifted.
again, i thank you much..and anyone who tries thier best to help stranger by reaching out like you did has my upmost respect.
 
Lovebugg, thank you for taking the time to read through my reply and just to clarify, I by no means intended to scare you but unfortunately reality can be harsh and I feel as if you deserve the brutal honest truth because anything but would be doing you a great disservice. Please do not hesitate to PM me, I'm here to help in any way possible. Any questions you may have make sure to ask me there is no dumb or silly questions when we are dealing with situations as serious as this. As well, if you just need somone to talk to or even if you need to vent, Im here for you, stay strong!!!
 
Happy Holidays Lovebugg, I obviously cannot be there for you in person this holiday season but my heart is with you. Pull out your strength from within and stay strong. Nothing that has happened here is your fault, don't ever let your husband convince you otherwise. Love&Respect...ill be checking back everyday at the least until after the new year just in case you needed to talk =)
 
Well from an objective view point, you say you've been in a relationship with an addict for 2 yrs right? Therefore,
knowing this, for real, is it seriously shocking to catch a known addict in the act of. . engaging in his addiction? Ok let's keep it real.
He's been doing what you've already known all along. It's not rocket science here & I'm not being a wise ass, but from what
you've said, he's taking opana 90mg, oxys 90mg, & roxys 90mg or whatever other opiate it is & in addition he's strung
out on at least (2 or 3+ maybe?) benzos in addition to that? I been an addict some 30 yrs ok, but I gota say DAYMN that's a hefty
ass cocktail! That said, it's no dang wonder he can't keep a job & why he's a moody S.O.B. 3wks out of every month. And, after
having said that, I can only tell you best to dump him and move on cause you can only expect worse as time goes by. No amount
of love or hate on your part will fix him. You're best bet is to love someone that's able to return that love and appreciate you an treat you
with the same respect you're seeking from this guy. Just remember he can't give you what he hasn't got.
 
Randomly using bluelight for information and a few hours later im on the dark side (new account, forgot my old one).

Anyway Id like to help what I can.
The reason a painkiller addict (your husband) is moody 3 out of 4 weeks of a month is simple. The prescriptions arrive once a month, the first week is great because he can take as much as he wants. After that he realizes that hes taken more than he should have, and now must ration the rest of the month. It is hell, but dont let him play the poor addict routine. Ive been an addict and I dont care what people say, you wouldnt be addicted if it wasnt fun. He has a great time every time he nods off into that special place, whats important though is that taking opiates is like jerking off (but way better) and he clearly has no concern for you.
What I want to know is how he affords his shit, most likely by trading pills, and knowing people that will pay a lot more than he does for dope and "helping" them out. If your giving him money stop, its that simple, he doesnt deserve it. Trust me, Ive been an addict before and theres nothing in being an addict that says you need to bring down everyone you love, its the common trend that happens, but Ive known plenty of good loving addicts that dont fuck people over, and being an addict is no excuse. Trust me Ive been where he was, 90 mg of opana is a large daily dose (opana is some potent shit), and trust me i was doing about 5 times that, but I wasnt sold to the needle so I could never truly understand. If your paying for his drugs, im sorry but stop complaining cause your doing it to him, not to get you down cause youve done the right thing to be here, but if you truly love him you wouldnt give him money, its that simple. Im not talking about that enabling shit, its just simply that your not enjoying the drugs, why pay for them...
Since you love him, you gotta give him a chance, my suggestion is literally packing up everything that is expensive that is yours (anythihg he could sell) and take a vacation somewhere nice. Let him see what its like without you (and time it during the last week of his prescription so hes struggling, when he would normally ask you for the "$50 for that made up job interview fee hes going to" so that way your not around to give in. Enjoy the fuck out of your trip, get shit faced drunk with friends and forget about him for a whole week, i think youll find when you get back that you have a new strength in handling the situation. Just liberate yourself from his grasp (you dont have to stop loving him), then talkto him about suboxone cause hes clearly got no fucking chance doing it turkey. If you dont know what suboxone is, I am sure blue light could enlighten you.

Sorry if this post seems dickheaded, tough love for the holidays maybe, but either way it seems like your handling this right, but moving to slowly, its time to enjoy your own life cause hes clearly enjoying the fuck outa his.

PS
Heroin is a complete replacement for sex, get him on suboxone in the next month or two and youll be poppin out a kid next christmas
 
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