Firstly Sub - you write about that hope side of things, the light at the end of the tunnel despite your, my and many others self-loathing issues incredibly well - and I don't see your relapse as any more than a blip.. Let me put it this way,, I had the idea about all those near death stories where they could see that beautiful light of love and acceptance beconing you towards it,, but if that were me,, I think I'd spend years stuck in that tunnel, not feeling worthy of stepping into the light,, but maybe edging my way towards it through the many trials and tribulations life throws at me,, I need time to work things through,, and I, like you, am at least accepting other people might be able to accept me and therefore save me,, but it seems a long way off,, as Im still happiest alone eating about 7 poppy pods in yoghurt while I plug fuckloads of trams, dihydrocodeine and eating valium,,, unless I can score Heroin, thats where I'm happy,,, but I can see a different life,, because in the long term however happy it makes me in the short term,,, a life doing this shit seems pretty hellish, and the guilt of not fullfiling my potential will eat away at me,, so anyway mate, I'm off to NA for the first time next week.
Hey buddy thanks for the encouragement, although a blip has been more like a constant occurrence over the years. Now that i've been doing these meetings i'm starting to think about possible relapses and how to deal with the mind, not just some spontaneous decision to use.
I could relate to that purgatory like analogy about being in the tunnel and not feeling worthy of steeping into the light. For me I've been making attempts to walk towards the light for over 10 years, and evry time, eventually i would take huge backward steps into the darkness. and the reality is that no matter how sober we can be it will still take time to rid ourselves of the burden we share, but in the scheme of things whats 5-6 months of harm minimisation or complete sobriety? nothing. It might take even less time with a strong will. Hopefully some positive fateful things happen to you and maybe it wont seem such a far way off after all

your posts in this thread alone have suggested you're on the right track just by sharing your thoughts, and i know now how important that is, just from doing it myself. Like i was saying about not dwelling on the past, but not to suppress it completely, and it's good that you're open to the idea of sharing, listening and having faith in other people. almost anyone with an addiction need some help to be saved. Emotional support is necessary for people like us and i wish you all the best for your NA meet, i'm so fucking happy you're doing it and giving it a shot.... just stick with it and i assure you you'll slowly notice the subtle changes to happen. good luck

I used to binge and purge (eat fuckloads of junk food just to enjoy puking myself hollow, it felt like purifying myself,, like I was giving my self hate a real form in junkfood and then getting rid of it,, much like self harming).. Anyway I went to Overeaters anonymous and just couldnt fucking handle all the women with their food obsessions I just didn't get, and those first few 12 steps seemed like bullshit- I mean sure they keep the "God" vague but they didnt wanna get into any real discussions on the ""God"" concept,, and I felt I did have some control,, most of the week I ate healthily and went to the gym,,, plus they didnt want me to 'share' my story,, which was basically one of my father locking food away from me and controlling my food intake to the point where I started eating all kinds of non-food items (pica).
Needless to say they didn't have a fucking clue,, OA was bullshit for me - and it was at a point where I'd relocated and had no access to drugs,, as soon as I found drug buddys the binge purging went and I started a very happy time on drugs,, Ketamine and Uppers mainly,, before everything fucked up and I discovered Heroin and the Internet prescription drug scene.
Yeah i had a picture of the OA meeting in my head and just laughed.... you'll find yourself a lot more at home with NA. Thats fucked that your dad did that to you, but anyway, you seem like the eating issue isn't an issue anymore... well obviously opiates are what you have to focus on... and also just try and concede, even if you don't fully agree with something, just approach it with an open mind. With God you'll have no problem there.... you can say whatever the fuck you want about your higher power. I know you've an interest in this and i really think this will turn into a plus for you.... who cares how other people perceive god at NA.... its all about you when its your turn to share
So a year or two later here I am, relocated again,, pretty alone dependent on opiates and struggling to keep up with mental health problems, work and addiction / WD's. It's a crossroads moment for me - so despite the OA 12 step thing being a huge dissapointment I figure I'm a more classic NA member,, I start next week, and hope to post here about how I am doing in the future...
I'm sorry for concentrating this post on my own experiences and really hope to be of support in the future with other posters rather than just yacking on about myself,, sorry about that guys,, but just hope as an introduction that explains where I'm coming from and let me assure you,, since reading your posts I'm amazed at how wrong I was when I felt there was no one like me out there,, sincerely thankyou,, and as I say, I'm starting NA next week, best of luck to you all in our recovery, and thanks for the oppurtunity to share Sub.
Kind and warm regards - R.B
Mate. you don't have to worry... this is TDS and is the place to just get it out there

Well i said a bit about NA already, but hope it all goes well mate. And defiantly keep everyone posted here in TDS... or even in this tread.... go for it! I'm glad you bumped it BTW, was wanting to update on where i'm at ATM
P.S (edit) - Sub,, trust me I'm a full on loner,, Im 30 and not been laid since drug induced psychosis and the psychiatric ward made me into the town lunatic at 17- thats when I became so introverted and social exclusion made me a people hating loner,,, but as I say I'm starting to trust people again,, and have a few very true friends,, which leads me to the point where you say
"all i've ever wanted is to be in love with someone who wants to feel the same way about me. I want affection and when girls find out that i'm a very affectionate person it has always scared them away.... and i wonder what the fuck must be wrong with me because it happens every time, and when it happens i go completely off the rails and fall back into self harm with drugs. I just can't let that keep happening and as lonely as i am, i know it has to wait and I fix myself first. one day at a time"
dude I'm completely with you on most of what you say,, and have faith that the right girls out there for me,,, someday - though as I like my own company I do accept the Morrissey quote "Love, peace and harmony? Very nice, very nice, very nice - maybe in the next world".
But seriously bud,, when you said "I want affection and when girls find out that i'm a very affectionate person it has always scared them away.... and i wonder what the fuck must be wrong with me" I can absolutely wholeheartedly without a shadow of a doubt say that NOTHING is wrong with you for wanting that form of a relationship!! Nothing,, it's what's wrong with them that's the only issue -why shouldnt you want that level of reciprocal love? Surely thats what we're all after? Love and understanding,,, so please don't think like that,, girls like that just aren't ready for that level of a relationship (fuckin weirdo's!) so bollocks to them I say,, you offered them that and they ran? No way is that your fault,, period..
I've had similar experiences with girls who wanna sleep with me first then maybe get to know me,, while they'd blow me out for another guy if he came along in a second, I'm too sensitive to risk that so I just flip them the bird if they don't wanna be my friend first,, but please,, with relationships that go that way,, you really shouldn't beat yourself up over it at all! You're right to want that, as I do,, and many others do... I figure when it happens right it'll just flow and you'll know this time it's different.
Hope that helps a bit Sub..
Wow well I lost my virginity at 22

Emotions can be our worst enemy's, but i assure you that once you start walking towards the light, things will start to become more clear.