I would completely agree--they're just excuses. I met plenty of people like you in rehab. It's not that they were bad people, they just weren't ready to quit, and they all left AMA a few days later. They had yet to hit bottom. You have an opportunity to quit while you'll still have a relatively "high bottom," you're not homeless, in jail, or HIV/Hep C positive. Those are the typical outcomes for junkies, death as well. But no one can cajole someone into quitting.
It just doesn't sound like you're ready to quit, or you weren't when you entered treatment, and that's not uncommon. Attending NA meetings also requires a fair amount of discipline if you want to work the program.
BTW $15,000 is nothing for for a month of private rehab. It's so expensive, and most insurance plans don't cover it--mine paid for a week and I was there for 90 days. And most rehabs use a 12-Step approach.
hey ive already justified it to another person in another post and more importantly i've justified to myself and dont regret my decision in the slightest.
you're trying to state facts about my excuses of leaving while you did a 90 day rehab, you're saying you've met people like me? you of all people know that we addicts are slso individuals, you couldn't begin to fathom what kind of person i am from the posts ive made in this thread. does that say something more about you than me? you think you can relate to the way i was feeling in there, my exact emotional state surrounded with circumstance? no one can tell me i left on a whim and nobody can state that its a fucking cop out. You're entitled to your opinion, but please I
can tell you right now that leaving that shite of a rehab was one of the best decisions i've ever made. Not having a
private room in a
private rehab is a big big deal for me. did you get your own room in your 90 day stay? was it 12 step based? had you had any prior rehab or 12 step experience before these 90 days? sorry if i'm coming down on you hard, i just don't appreciate arrogance or ignorance. A lot of shit has happened '40meetings' since i was last posting, I've taken the Cavalier gung ho approach as i'll explain...
I get where ya comin from Missy, really I do -but it's like you say we may just have a relativly high rock bottom, and I got some faith in Sub,,, now more than then anyways... Sub's gotta realise that the light of a new life, with all its ups and downs but as an ex is his for the taking. Sure we're all takin 2 steps forward 1 step back,, but I don't think Sub at this moment in time has descended back to shooting up every day,,, I could be wrong - it's just I see parallels with my own situation (though I know needles is a far bigger challenge,, man I cant even look at a needle, Im so blessed to have that phobia).. Anyways yeah, let us know Sub.
Hey mate i appreciate the emotional support
I hadn't checked my old AA@hotmail E-mail in a while n didn't realize this thread had been bumped. I was superposed to do that but have been so busy with scheduled life and meetings meetings meetings
I went to one in the city tonight and there were around a 100 people there. i didn't get to share, but one girl that i know was sharing about the future and the differences in making choices and even being able to make one single choice in addiction. she also said that she's fallen in love with NA and the fellowship, steps, traditions etc and that summed it up for me in a nutshell
I am now doing at least 5 a week and some weeks i do 2 a day... like tomorrow(if i get of BL n to bed that is). and i'm addicted to them. I want to share every time.
as i said i'm around 40 meetings in 6 weeks and speaking at 90% of them openly n honestly. People say i'm im a honeymoon period, but i think that i'll be able to get what i need from the program as an individual addict and identify myself clean from my DOC heroin and i also am humble and respectful enough to identify a relapse.... even if it was a drink, which i've always had power over. from now on though.... if i have a drink i'm just going to keep that to myself.... unless i get off my face.
It's taken me a little while to know what i want from the fellowship. I've had all sorts of conflicting advise from all walks of dudes, but i know when i hear sound advise(Thanks Legerity). and i now am actively looking for a sponsor to start step 4. 1 was done a long time ago. 2 and 3 need some Divine Moments of Truth. There will be certain aspects of my recovery that i will keep between my higher power and myself but i don't identify that i'm currently shooting 2mg of suboxone a day and that i'm on clonazepam for anxiety related shit. BL'rs might think i'm insane but i'm doing a Caption Heroin and MF'ing suboxone and IV'ing it 4 analgesia and more importantly... piece of mind. I know i cant use H. I don't have to be on subs long term, but in early recovery i feel it is necessary. the reason why i don't identify at
NA is because it's not standard replacement therapy, i buy it of someone and do what i want with it. I find it very easy not to abuse it by filtering 2mg at a time with 4 ml of water. I thinks its the best ROA for suboxone
Anyway the point is that i'm maintaining my individuality within NA and am submitting to the program in relevance to my addiction to drugs that I am powerless over.
NA, from listing and sharing. I've gone from being shit scared at my first meet, to a very capable public speaker, which flows from my heart. it's a fucking rush from the way i express myself at a meet when i share. I talk about psychedelics and how an ego death led me to 2 months of sobriety and that it's what gave birth to my spiritual side. all this shit. the meetings.... is alll bringing my spiritual side out of obscurity and once i get 2 months of clean time up i'm going on a spiritual trial by fire with pen and paper, but right now all i want to do is meeting after meeting. maybe i will come clean about the suboxone(not the ROA) once i get a sponsor, but there is no way i'm being talked out of the potential use of psychedelic drugs to connect to a higher power. i might change my mind... but i've been clean off my DOC and other strong opiates since i first walked through the doors of NA, and have only started suboxone recently, which i might jump off in a week. but all in all i talk with a very positive attitude and my voice has confidence and drive. Its an amazing feeling when you get a resounding applause noticeably louder than everyone else's. thats what makes me keep going and i'm finding that NA has both been consciously and subconsciously active in society. whether i reflect on a meeting or make amends to a person i wronged in my insane active addiction fuelled lifestyle. NA and all the positives that come with it are active in my day to day routine and structure, which i'm still working on
I was unintentionally selfish in my addiction and ironically i have to be even more selfish in recovery... early recovery that is. for some early recovery could be 4 years. I think mine will be a lot quicker if i stay true to myself.... that is key. i have my own willpower finally guided by this program and its changing me back into the person i was supposed to be, that was almost lost. a delicate balance. And my recovery is no walk in the park. I know i have to do all these things for it to work. but i know that it does. i see miracles every meeting i go to with people with 20+years up. People who were almost dead, but they've turned it all around and sometimes its hard to believe that someone was that fucked. Pales in comparison and sometimes it doesn't with regards to my lack of self worth and level of active addiction.
I've talked a lot about NA and where i'm at. I could go on and on, but as long as i'm a recovering addict going to NA meets then i'll be bumping this thread. hopefully the change in me since leaving the rehab will be inspirational to other Blighters... and yourself too RB, I know it's not ideal, but the positivity and my attitude is changing so much. I've got 40x40mg OC's that have been sitting in my desk for over a week and i feel no temptation to jump off the bupe and abuse them. if anything i will be taking them more for analgesia and opiate replacement therapy, or i'll just hang on to em and if i ever have a thought about using H and i can't get talked down by anyone then i'd just abuse the OC's, but i'll be cutting the 40's in half if i use them. I still have smoked some weed from time to time and i have identified and been straight up at the meetings, but yeah i've rambled the fuck on. Thanks RB
fill me in on how you're doing? or maybe you can start your own thread if things have taken off for you or you could make one if things haven't and ask for advise... or u could just do it here... i don't mind a good ramble from you anyway
from anyone... this is what TDS is for!
If you only knew the power of the dark side
Darth Vader
PS sorry for being so hard on you Missykins and i hope my response has cleared things up a bit on where i'm at ATM. Doing all theses meetings has its drawbacks. Im constantly emotionally drained and feel like there's no me time any more... but i enjoyed writing this. would like to hear Blighters thoughts
Sub
silly shy kid i then turned to drugs to escape. yes all i've ever wanted was to be loved. i wanted it too much and my emotions overwhelmed me and i slowly sunk deep into drug addiction. for a time H was good and it made me into a guy who could get a short term dose of love, with girls that i thought i'd never be able to pick up. But my addictions showed through eventually and always left me lonely and heavily in to H addiction to suppress my emotions.
![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
