hazelden hell (rehab)

[Sublimit]

Hi guys, this is my first post/thread in TDS and i think its long overdue.

7 days ago i was admitted to a rehabilitation centre here in Melbourne with my will and the will of my parents.

It's apparently the only one in Australia thats modelled after the Hazelden one's that were started in the states (Minnesota)

It's based on the 12 step program you see at AA and NA meetings, and there is a focus on god or a higher power of one's choice..... thats the client/addicts choice if he/she doesn't believe in god.

Well the program goes for 28 days and has many other aspects as well as the 12 steps its based on.... like Yoga, public speaking such as 'life story' barriers and assets that are chosen by the patients to describe other patients and reflection etc...

Obviously i busted.... not only did i feel like a stranger and that i didn't belong there, i felt pretty much evry fucking emotion possible, good and bad during my 6 days there. I also walked to spite myself. I've hated myself for a long time and it felt like it was amplified times 100. some hours i'd feel content and other hours i'd be crying inside.... not from WD.... i did a fair bit of that before i went in... down to 10mg oxycodone in the morning and 400mg of tramadol throughout the rest of the afternoon/night and also half a gram of cannabis daily....

there was hardly any WD symptoms as i was allowed 200mg of tram and 40mg of valium(which was reduced 10mg a day until 0mg)

The moment i left i went straight to the street and stuck a needle in my arm. I have to say that i couldn't give a shit if i died there and then. I might as well be dead because I can't handle the guilt of it.... not 'just for today' but for the last 10 years.

I'm 27 and i'm back living at home with my parents in a bungalow which is separate to the house, and it is my 4 walls, it is my comfort zone and i have everything i need right here except happiness, which is all i've ever truly wanted.

I went to rehab and my parents went to europe. the impression i got was that if i didn't do this then i would be out on the street with no money, no job. I wanted to go, don't get me wrong, i've accepted that my addictions are a disease and i thought that maybe i could feel happiness if i overcome them.

I had only ever been to 1 NA meeting prior to this rehab and it was all new to me. I wanted to be there and some days i felt glad to be there, but the constant shifts in my mood were so extreme that i felt overwhelmed by it all and in turn i was emotionally fucked, although on the outside i appeared normal and productive.

It was a spontaneous decision to leave, I wasn't thinking about getting on, i just did that to spite myself, no one could change my mind, some people respected my decision while others said that i would regret running. The funny thing is that i had made at least some sort of connection with everyone there and really connected strongly with a few people. there was this 22 year old gorgeous girl there that i instantly connected with on so many levels and although we could have been vulnerable on the outside together, we were defiantly heading for genuine friendship and perhaps more... but it wasn't to be. I left without saying goodbye to anyone.... shamefully spiting myself as i love to do so so fucking much.

the amount of guilt i'm feeling right now is indescribable.... i almost feel like an honourable 18th century Japanese dude that commits suicide because of the shame of it.

One of the counsellors there told his story of addiction and recovery. made my story pale in comparison. he had been in and out of jail and rehabs alike. close to death a number of times, and now he works there and he's 9n half years sober..... out of the 24 patients there during my brief stay, only 3 or 4 were on their first rehab and everyone there had been fairly familiar with NA/AA where's i felt a bit lost.

I really don't know why i'm writing this... whether its out of guilt, frustration, acceptance, disappointment or resentfulness? not really sure. all i know is that i want a happy life, but it just seems to slip away the more i try.

there were triggers in there. for 15 grand i expected my own fucking room, but instead got to share with 2 other guys, one which was a much older drunk who snored so loud that ear plugs couldn't do shit.... i've been sleeping with music for the last few years due to a mild case of tinnitus. one of the nurses lost my itinerary with my parents travel sim card number and on day 5 when i was allowed to make calls i was calling my younger brother to chase up the number and barely 2 minutes into the conversation the matriarch nurse bitch tells me to get off the phone because there's a compulsory AA vid (bill W) in 5 mins. I acknowledged her and said i'd be 'just a minute' and fuck me..... she interrupts my first phone call again. I exploded on the inside, and felt like telling her to get fucked but i sucked it up and let it slide as i still felt new and out of place. another was on the sunday where everyone had friends and family visit and just watching and hearing the others talk to their parents, play with thier children was difficult for me and i knew i'd have to go the whole time without my family.... just made me feel even more empty, which i didn't think was possible.

there were all sorts of triggers that changed my emotional state and i've already rambled on a lot, but I couldn't tell myself why i ran... maybe i wasn't ready... maybe i'm still that lonely 17 year old boy who just wants a woman to love him? and then one day i find 10 years have got behind me, no one told me when to run, I missed the starting gun to quote Roger Waters.... i never thought it would ring so true for me.

I've never ventured to TDS and i guess i'm not asking any questions, just telling my story, but i highly doubt my parents will think anything but the simple fact that i don't want to get better, that i enjoy my life. well I'd rather die than to live like this for another 10 years.

who was dragged down by the stone

 

[oliphill]

I just came out of 28 days at rehab at one that sounds exactly like the one you went to. We even had a lot of Hazelden text and books (that morning meditation one)

On day 2, when i was withdrawing hard, I packed my bags, went to the nurses, demanded my cash out the safe, and had completely planned to go and score and like you was planning on shooting up the whole lot not caring if I died. They told me to wait in my room and they brought up methadone instead of the money. I ended up staying..

It was fucking hard, VERY emotional, hardest w/d's of my life. SO worth it though.

From what you were saying about connecting with all the other addicts there, etc. It seems like you're a very good candidate for NA to work for you. I was anti it and a totally hopeless addict, but it's working for me and im 42 days clean now, so i'll stick with it.

My advice is go to an NA meeting. You never know you may find some more people you really connect to!

Good luck man!!

p.s. you seem a lot like me. all i can say is there is hope for everyone.

 

[Draigan]

yah this is what I go through too man... I dont know, people dont understand what its like to feel completely ruined. You think you are like broken some how right? Like a wasted life? Ponder all the shit u could have done? Same here man. Im 22 almost 23. What do I got to show for it? A dope habit... horror stories, too much guilt...

 

[Sublimit]

Hey Oliphill and Draigan, thanks for reading and replying : )

@ Oliphill. Thanks for sharing your story of rehab. it's great that you're 42 days clean now... well hopefully 43 days now! if you're right and a lot like me then this is a very vulnerable time for you and i wish you all the best for the coming days, weeks, months and years.

thanks for the advise, and i've started to feel more positive now. I feel like i could do regular NA meetings and in turn it would mentally prepare me for something as emotionally draining as the 28 day program. thats sound advise mate and i really appreciate it : ) my parents (both English) have told me that if i get clean and get back into full time work that they'd buy me a ticket to England. I've felt destined to live there one day as i feel half English in my heart and i've already got a British passport(was meant to go with a mate to live in London a year ago, but i blew too much money to make it) so all i need to do now is to focus on my recovery before anything, and job second a then when that happened... then i can focus on love... to find it, and to be able to find it within myself also.

with willpower alone (and the thought of a girl that i wanted to become close to) i have managed periods of abstinence for around 2 to 3 months from everything.... but i've fallen in a heap when the relationship doesn't develop into love and i'm left with shattered willpower and consequently relapse, because all i've ever wanted is to be in love with someone who wants to feel the same way about me. I want affection and when girls find out that i'm a very affectionate person it has always scared them away.... and i wonder what the fuck must be wrong with me because it happens every time, and when it happens i go completely off the rails and fall back into self harm with drugs. I just can't let that keep happening and as lonely as i am, i know it has to wait and I fix myself first. one day at a time

You're welcome to PM me mate, and keep me updated on your recovery, or problems if you want....

@Draigan, yeah man exactly... i can't help but dwell on the past and think about all the years i've wasted.... you probably would have got that impression from my OP. it's getting better though at my age, but when i was about your age all i could do is dwell and in turn i got more and more depressed.... it does get easier mate... just hang in there and try and look at it this way; you can't change the past, but you can change your future

I've since spoken to the clinic and it might be possible to go back between 7 to 21 days... so that will be there if i want it which makes me feel a little better, because i tell you what mate... i'm regretting the fuck out of my decision to leave now, but at the same time I'm thinking about all the positives that i got from just 6 days there. I feel a lot better than i did yesterday! thanks again guys. it feels good to get shit off my chest and yeah, just thinking about a happy future, despite whats happened and feeling moderate WD's

 

[dragonslayer428]

I just came out of 28 days at rehab at one that sounds exactly like the one you went to. We even had a lot of Hazelden text and books (that morning meditation one)

On day 2, when i was withdrawing hard, I packed my bags, went to the nurses, demanded my cash out the safe, and had completely planned to go and score and like you was planning on shooting up the whole lot not caring if I died. They told me to wait in my room and they brought up methadone instead of the money. I ended up staying..

It was fucking hard, VERY emotional, hardest w/d's of my life. SO worth it though.

From what you were saying about connecting with all the other addicts there, etc. It seems like you're a very good candidate for NA to work for you. I was anti it and a totally hopeless addict, but it's working for me and im 42 days clean now, so i'll stick with it.

My advice is go to an NA meeting. You never know you may find some more people you really connect to!

Good luck man!!

p.s. you seem a lot like me. all i can say is there is hope for everyone.

I agree. I'm a recovering alcoholic and have 66 days clean, thanks to AA. I realized I couldn't do it on my own. I also thought it was a little weird at first, but realized it was the only thing that was going to help me. I've relapsed a few times since being in the program (started going about 3 years ago), but always manage to get back on track.

Hope you keep at it, man. There IS hope!

 

[xxkcxx]

No offense, but please tell me you see that the "trigger" of not having your own room was just an excuse to use. Same with the counselor who interrupted your phone call. In the scheme of things, they were nothing to use over. I mean, really, you were in a rehab...they are not their to coddle you, they are there to get you clean, and that means structure and often making you do things that you don't want to do.

It's really neither here nor there now since you left and so be it, but I think it is important to recognize it really wasn't anything the rehab did that made you use.

Now, all you can do is move on. Go back to rehab, go to meetings, go to therapy, or don't and continue to be miserable. I know we are often taught that addiction is a compulsion and we don't have a choice in using, but that's kind of B.S. in my opinion. There have been many days (today and yesterday particularly) where I was choosing literally every MINUTE to not go get dope. I wanted to get some more than anything in the fucking world, but one minute at a time I said no.

I hope you decide to move ahead with some kind of recovery program because it does get better. I've been through rehab and relapsed more than a few times, and honestly, things are so good when I'm clean. My problem is that I get nostalgic and forget about the bad times or I think I'm in a place where doing dope will be like the beginning when it was nice and fuzzy and I wasn't pawning my shit and stealing and waking up in cold sweats. It spirals out of control so fast though and by the time you realize everything has gone to shit again you get depressed and unmotivated to get yourself out of it. It is a crazy, vicious cycle. It's insane that I (you, anyone) can be so happy and then ruin it all because I want to be even happier. Selfish I guess is what you would call it. And stupid.

Sorry the end of this was just rambling, but yeah, I hope you get it together man.

 

[Georgie25]

Just curious as ive never been to a rehab, but you said it was 15,000, did you lose all that money by leaving?

 

[homeydontplaythat]

i started getting sick hearing about the mandatory NA meetings. i cant tell you how happy i am to be away from those brainwashed morons. the support of the group can be great but everything else is just a mind-rape.

 

[oliphill]

My brain needed a good wash to be honest

 

[Legerity]

Do you feel that the 6 days really benefited you? Then why not give it another go for the full 28 days? For many people rehab is the best option, it gets you out of your environment and surrounds you with people that are trying to improve their lives. I spent 4 months in rehab and even though I no longer follow 12-step programs, I'm happy for my rehab experience and learned a lot.

And lots of us are lonely, don't think you're the only one that doesn't "have it all together". Everybody, drug user or not, is lost and confused at times. Now go do what you have to do

 

[Sublimit]

No offense, but please tell me you see that the "trigger" of not having your own room was just an excuse to use. Same with the counselor who interrupted your phone call. In the scheme of things, they were nothing to use over. I mean, really, you were in a rehab...they are not their to coddle you, they are there to get you clean, and that means structure and often making you do things that you don't want to do.

It's really neither here nor there now since you left and so be it, but I think it is important to recognize it really wasn't anything the rehab did that made you use.

Now, all you can do is move on. Go back to rehab, go to meetings, go to therapy, or don't and continue to be miserable. I know we are often taught that addiction is a compulsion and we don't have a choice in using, but that's kind of B.S. in my opinion. There have been many days (today and yesterday particularly) where I was choosing literally every MINUTE to not go get dope. I wanted to get some more than anything in the fucking world, but one minute at a time I said no.

I hope you decide to move ahead with some kind of recovery program because it does get better. I've been through rehab and relapsed more than a few times, and honestly, things are so good when I'm clean. My problem is that I get nostalgic and forget about the bad times or I think I'm in a place where doing dope will be like the beginning when it was nice and fuzzy and I wasn't pawning my shit and stealing and waking up in cold sweats. It spirals out of control so fast though and by the time you realize everything has gone to shit again you get depressed and unmotivated to get yourself out of it. It is a crazy, vicious cycle. It's insane that I (you, anyone) can be so happy and then ruin it all because I want to be even happier. Selfish I guess is what you would call it. And stupid.

Sorry the end of this was just rambling, but yeah, I hope you get it together man.

I really appreciate your thoughts, i really do. the room situation happened on the first night so if i wanted to use that as an excuse to use smack i would have left there and then.

All i can be is honest with myself mate, and if you don't believe my reasons for leaving the rehab and that they were just an excuse to use then thats your prerogative.

honestly the reason why i scored heroin was the guilt of leaving. the thought of my parents, the thought of failure was too much and i used heroin to wash it all away as i couldn't deal with it.

I had already made up my mind that i was out of there. scoring only entered my mind the second i started to pack my bags. subconsciously there could of been a desire to leave just to get on, but i can't honestly answer that.... all i know is the 99% of my past H use has been spontaneous, where as with cannabis it was mainly premeditated... if that makes sense.... anyway like you said whats done is done and although i was only there for a little while, i felt like i did get a lot out of it and have subsequently not used cannabis since going in, and have stopped using smack.... i'm at the arse end of the WD and i feel my willpower is stronger than it has ever been to not use it ever again. I've used opiates to minimise the WD and i won't rule out using pharmaceutical opiates in the future as i enjoy them and have learnt to respect them as opposed to abusing them to escape.

I know it just sounds like i'm justifying it all, and you may think that i'm being dishonest with myself, but having never shared a needle or equipment i was still convinced i had caught something from a dealers lack of hygiene... now that i know i don't have shite for blood i feel liberated from heroin, but i'm not going to lie.... i love the feeling of opiates and i've unfinished business with them. bad attitude? i have unfinished business with psychedelics bad attitude? I'd give it all away for something that i've wanted for so long, but have just made the wrong choices. I know if i change my defensive mechanism then drugs will be irrelevant, and no longer a part of my life.

I have no business being at an NA meeting with that attitude? god grant me the serenity for the things i cannot change.

Just curious as ive never been to a rehab, but you said it was 15,000, did you lose all that money by leaving?

yeah thats right 15 grand, but i have private health insurance so it cost me just over a grand.... and no you don't get anything back... not sure if the grand i paid will get rebated, perhaps i'll get some of it back through our government health system 'medicare'

i started getting sick hearing about the mandatory NA meetings. i cant tell you how happy i am to be away from those brainwashed morons. the support of the group can be great but everything else is just a mind-rape.

Well thats what i thought when i first when to one about a year ago.... and with this rehab it was like that but way more intense and vigorous. they spend alot of time breaking down your walls, and apparently it's the only way to get off drugs and live a sober/happy life8). theres no wrong or right answer, obviously it has to stem from ones self.

My initial thoughts were that 'why the fuck do i want to be in a room full of addicts?' i want to be as far away as possible and forget about the life and storeys that are shared... i thought it would make me reminisce where all i want to do is move on. but now i have more of an open mind to the 12 step program which i'll continue below.... PS don't dismiss it so quickly homeydontplaythat..... i don't know how many you've been to, but it doesn't hurt to have an open mind... even if it goes against your grain

Do you feel that the 6 days really benefited you? Then why not give it another go for the full 28 days? For many people rehab is the best option, it gets you out of your environment and surrounds you with people that are trying to improve their lives. I spent 4 months in rehab and even though I no longer follow 12-step programs, I'm happy for my rehab experience and learned a lot.

And lots of us are lonely, don't think you're the only one that doesn't "have it all together". Everybody, drug user or not, is lost and confused at times. Now go do what you have to do

Yeah i guess i could have come across as a bit selfish stating my loneliness as my reasons for drug addiction, but in all honesty it is, and it's the reason why i've always been lonely.... drugs. I've used them to escape my despair of being lonely and i don't doubt for one second that i'm not the only one. I just want to be happy and i've accepted the fact that i always will be until i start to like myself and eventually love myself. I've learnt a hard lesson that drugs aren't the answer, and they just take me deeper and deeper into despair. I've done this to spite myself and i'm sick of it.

to answer your question; yes, i feel like i got a hell of a lot from my 6 days there. and yes i would consider going back and doing the 28 days as i feel that i won't be thrown straight into the deep end and that i'd be more mentally prepared for it. the addiction specialist there said that half of us would walk out and relapse and would go even lower than ever before.... those are the cold hard facts. I feel like i'm mentally stronger for it, and although i did use 3 days in a row having left this rehab i feel better for it. with my own willpower i've had periods of abstinence from everything of up to 2 months, just from my own willpower...... and guess what? a girl. while i was with this girl i had no desire to use any drug apart from smoking cigarettes and the occasional drink, where as this addiction specialist told me that my drug use was a disease and the only cure is this program

I found it extremely daunting that whilst in there i was told that for the rest of my life i'd need to attend NA meetings. everyday for the rest of my life to consolidate my abstinence. he seemed ignorant to the fact that my reasons of drug abuse and lack of self respect were due to my unhappiness of constantly being lonely, completely dismissive.

Having said all that, and having relapsed more times than i care to remember, it all stems from the same reason, yes i like the feeling of opiates, but i would not hesitate, not for a second to say goodbye if i found what i was looking for.

What i'm looking for won't fall on my lap, and it's going to take a lot of willpower and hard work to put myself in the right position to be in the right state of mind for it to present itself. If it takes NA meetings, yes. If it takes 50 of them then yes i'm going to do it. If it takes just my willpower then so be it... whatever it takes, but i won't let someone who doesn't know me tell me that i've a disease that can only be cured his way. wrong attitude? only time will tell, but i believe everything that happens, happens for a reason and i'm my mind I am closer than ever to realizing my dream of a true and fulfilled life.

PS thanks everyone for the comments/criticism/advice and warm words.... you don't know how much i really appreciate it. i fucking do. and i can't thank everyone enough. Its really great to get all this shit off my chest and be able to have a positive outlook on things when everything seemed so bleak and hopeless a few days ago. cheers

 

[slowdive]

That's really the worst part of habitual drug use, dependency, and addiction.

All of your problems in your life are put aside while under the influence. When you are forced (or choose to) become sober all of those fears and problems come back in full force and you don't know how to deal with them. It can be overwhelming.

While I'm on tramadol (as I have been the past 7 years) I am aware of my life's problems. As life throws all kinds of shit at us, but somehow they are okay. I think I'm on top of it. I'm running out early again this month and I always notice that sober life is so damn strange. Even though I'm only sober for a few days as I usually only run out early a day or two before refill can go through. Everything is different. I notice I am not on top of my problems as I was lead to believe.

Withdrawal intensifies these feelings tenfold. Tram withdrawal is intense and frightening, although it is not usually decapitating like stronger opioids. Don't get me wrong, tram withdrawal can put you in fetal position. But intense anxiety, agonizing sensations throughout body, especially arms and legs, severe depression, no sleep, sneezing, crying spells, diarrhea, etc are the worst of it. You would not believe the relief whenever I pick up my refill and all of those feelings disappear and I feel "human" and capable again. Running around getting shit done, but really avoiding my true problems while under the influence.

I have gone through the entire withdrawal process before. I started to feel much better by day 6. Lingering depression and lack of motivation was still there though. I started to feel like my old self before the tram became part of my chemistry 7 years ago. I chose to go back to the tramadol however.

You are lucky they brought you methadone up to your room. I would have hugged them. Day 2 of withdrawal from any substance can be agonizing and I'm glad they gave you relief, my friend.

I would like to experience detox in rehab. I have never experienced it before and maybe I would change my mind if I tried it out, but something about detoxing in a medical environment with medical aide and assistance seems much safer and slightly easier to me.

 

[Legerity]

Just to clarify, my comment was not to indicate that I think you are being selfish, but rather that you are not alone in your pain

I think it is important to figure out exactly what you want. You mentioned using NA, but you also mentioned not being done with opiates. I cannot tell you what the best choice is, but it is very very very important to completely obliterate the idea that addiction is a progressive disease if you want to try moderating your use. If you listen to what they say at meetings but also try to use pharmaceuticals occasionally, you will be much more likely to binge on them because this is what the meetings say will happen. There will be a lot of guilt and inner conflict.

I was clean for 6 years in AA/NA and this summer decided to break my "vow of abstinence". I have been reading up a lot on addiction and trying to come to an understanding that makes more sense than what is put forth at meetings.

A girl may be helpful for you to overcome your addiction, but what else can you find that helps? Girlfriends come and go. If staying off of heroin is completely dependent on a relationship, then you are still not in control. Can you maybe expand your circle of friends? Take care of your physical health? Find hobbies/interests? Values, beliefs, passions, and friendship are less volatile than romantic relationships.

 

[Sublimit]

Just to clarify, my comment was not to indicate that I think you are being selfish, but rather that you are not alone in your pain

I think it is important to figure out exactly what you want. You mentioned using NA, but you also mentioned not being done with opiates. I cannot tell you what the best choice is, but it is very very very important to completely obliterate the idea that addiction is a progressive disease if you want to try moderating your use. If you listen to what they say at meetings but also try to use pharmaceuticals occasionally, you will be much more likely to binge on them because this is what the meetings say will happen. There will be a lot of guilt and inner conflict.

I was clean for 6 years in AA/NA and this summer decided to break my "vow of abstinence". I have been reading up a lot on addiction and trying to come to an understanding that makes more sense than what is put forth at meetings.

A girl may be helpful for you to overcome your addiction, but what else can you find that helps? Girlfriends come and go. If staying off of heroin is completely dependent on a relationship, then you are still not in control. Can you maybe expand your circle of friends? Take care of your physical health? Find hobbies/interests? Values, beliefs, passions, and friendship are less volatile than romantic relationships.

so true, a girlfriend and/or a relationship is probably a very unstable thing to base my recovery on, and after wanting it so much i've found that out, and of course i've sunk deeper just to spite myself as i've already mentioned. I do feel stronger for it though

obviously there are a lot of things i have to change in order to cope better from the disappointment of it all. I feel that i'm better equipped than ever, but still so so vulnerable... i can only imagine, and i don't need that in my life atm.... as much as i want it, it will have to wait for now. but it's a goal.

it's funny how much my mind has been changing from day to day this past week. I've all but reduced completely off tramadol and diazepam, tomorrow will be the last day and i'll be completely sober. I've decided against suboxone and i'm considering not using any more opiates for PM(in all honestly the pain isn't nearly as bad as the emotional pain that i'm going through) and after the pending op on my knee there will hopefully be no need for any drug. it's still daunting because i really do fancy some cannabis at night, but i'm 2 weeks sober from that and it's not getting any easier, not that i expected it to, but yeah it's mentally tough, but i know it's whats best for me. there are so many things i want to do with my life and i've accepted that drugs can't be apart of it any more. this mentality can change, and if it does then i'm destined to keep on feeling sorry for myself and i can't live like that.

I'm sorry to hear that you've relapsed after 6 years of sobriety, i just hope you get on top of it before you find yourself in a big hole... by the sounds of it, it's not tearing you up and you seem like you have the willpower and initiative to regain your sobriety. If i think that my drug use is solely because i'm lonely then i'm ignorant, if i think my drug use is solely to escape then i'm ignorant and if i think its to spite myself then i've a lot to learn.

PS, no you never gave me that impression, it was just from self-reflecting on my own posts in this thread that made me feel that perhaps i was being a little self centred... oh well, everyone deserves to be every now and then.... after all, this is TDS

Just one day at a time Shaun

 

[Legerity]

Well I wish you the best in whatever you do. Keep us posted If something is a problem in our lives then we certainly have the power to remove it and make other choices instead.

And thank you, but my current goal is actually not to completely abstain from substances but rather to avoid them becoming a problem. I posted about this in TDS when I joined the boards again, I was a member here years back. If they do at some point become a problem then I will re-focus my efforts on abstinence.

Take care of yourself!

 

[Sublimit]

Well I wish you the best in whatever you do. Keep us posted If something is a problem in our lives then we certainly have the power to remove it and make other choices instead.

And thank you, but my current goal is actually not to completely abstain from substances but rather to avoid them becoming a problem. I posted about this in TDS when I joined the boards again, I was a member here years back. If they do at some point become a problem then I will re-focus my efforts on abstinence.

Take care of yourself!

Thanks and I sure will…. Good or bad. It’s nice of you to wish me all the best, and I can assure you that I’m indeed keen for you to also keep us posted, because in a sense it’s a decision you’ve made and it’s inspiring to know that people can have the willpower and that kind of trust/reassurance in one’s self. In fact I know someone with the same attributes, a very close supportive friend of mine, who I envy in a way. His attitude and drive. Having complete control of what he does and what he wants to achieve. I’ll be sure to get around to read your recent story.

Having said that I’m sure no matter who you are… I’m sure it’s still a delicate balance, and I wish you all the best also

 

[xxkcxx]

i'm at the arse end of the WD and i feel my willpower is stronger than it has ever been to not use it ever again. I've used opiates to minimise the WD and i won't rule out using pharmaceutical opiates in the future as i enjoy them and have learnt to respect them as opposed to abusing them to escape.

I know it just sounds like i'm justifying it all, and you may think that i'm being dishonest with myself, but having never shared a needle or equipment i was still convinced i had caught something from a dealers lack of hygiene... now that i know i don't have shite for blood i feel liberated from heroin, but i'm not going to lie.... i love the feeling of opiates and i've unfinished business with them. bad attitude? i have unfinished business with psychedelics bad attitude? I'd give it all away for something that i've wanted for so long, but have just made the wrong choices. I know if i change my defensive mechanism then drugs will be irrelevant, and no longer a part of my life.

I have no business being at an NA meeting with that attitude? god grant me the serenity for the things i cannot change.

Trust me, I hope you stay clean. And I hope you don't think I was saying you shouldn't go to NA if that is what you want to do cause, nope, I wasn't. Please, do go to NA if you think it will help you.

 

[Sublimit]

Trust me, I hope you stay clean. And I hope you don't think I was saying you shouldn't go to NA if that is what you want to do cause, nope, I wasn't. Please, do go to NA if you think it will help you.

Hey thanks I've actually penned in my first NA which i will be attending on Sunday night. I have someone really supportive thats going to come with me too. so i'm looking forward to it, as opposed to doing it as a formality, or an obligation to someone else.... i'm going for me

I've been keeping pretty clean, but not totally abstinent, for instance I did a codeine CWE tonight. I was feeling pretty vulnerable as i had no money and just got paid a fair bit today. At my own suggestion i asked the supportive person who i'm living with whilst my parents are away, to hold on to all my money.

I took my dog for a walk and went to the bank and took out the lot, just because i want to take it one step at a time and not have any spontaneous choices that could very well see me justifying a final hit. Ha! I wonder if that concept is even possible... in a premeditated sense

sure you could have a final hit and die, or you could have a final hit and never use again, but i just wonder if anyone with a long term H addiction could have the willpower to say "this is my final hit" I know i've said it before.

spontaneous choices can be good and they can be bad. such is the nature of habit and routine.

I'm really working on adding a lot of structure to my day to day life and i think its a step in the right direction to recovery

 

[roadkill barbie]

Firstly Sub - you write about that hope side of things, the light at the end of the tunnel despite your, my and many others self-loathing issues incredibly well - and I don't see your relapse as any more than a blip.. Let me put it this way,, I had the idea about all those near death stories where they could see that beautiful light of love and acceptance beconing you towards it,, but if that were me,, I think I'd spend years stuck in that tunnel, not feeling worthy of stepping into the light,, but maybe edging my way towards it through the many trials and tribulations life throws at me,, I need time to work things through,, and I, like you, am at least accepting other people might be able to accept me and therefore save me,, but it seems a long way off,, as Im still happiest alone eating about 7 poppy pods in yoghurt while I plug fuckloads of trams, dihydrocodeine and eating valium,,, unless I can score Heroin, thats where I'm happy,,, but I can see a different life,, because in the long term however happy it makes me in the short term,,, a life doing this shit seems pretty hellish, and the guilt of not fullfiling my potential will eat away at me,, so anyway mate, I'm off to NA for the first time next week.
I used to binge and purge (eat fuckloads of junk food just to enjoy puking myself hollow, it felt like purifying myself,, like I was giving my self hate a real form in junkfood and then getting rid of it,, much like self harming).. Anyway I went to Overeaters anonymous and just couldnt fucking handle all the women with their food obsessions I just didn't get, and those first few 12 steps seemed like bullshit- I mean sure they keep the "God" vague but they didnt wanna get into any real discussions on the ""God"" concept,, and I felt I did have some control,, most of the week I ate healthily and went to the gym,,, plus they didnt want me to 'share' my story,, which was basically one of my father locking food away from me and controlling my food intake to the point where I started eating all kinds of non-food items (pica).
Needless to say they didn't have a fucking clue,, OA was bullshit for me - and it was at a point where I'd relocated and had no access to drugs,, as soon as I found drug buddys the binge purging went and I started a very happy time on drugs,, Ketamine and Uppers mainly,, before everything fucked up and I discovered Heroin and the Internet prescription drug scene.

So a year or two later here I am, relocated again,, pretty alone dependent on opiates and struggling to keep up with mental health problems, work and addiction / WD's. It's a crossroads moment for me - so despite the OA 12 step thing being a huge dissapointment I figure I'm a more classic NA member,, I start next week, and hope to post here about how I am doing in the future...
I'm sorry for concentrating this post on my own experiences and really hope to be of support in the future with other posters rather than just yacking on about myself,, sorry about that guys,, but just hope as an introduction that explains where I'm coming from and let me assure you,, since reading your posts I'm amazed at how wrong I was when I felt there was no one like me out there,, sincerely thankyou,, and as I say, I'm starting NA next week, best of luck to you all in our recovery, and thanks for the oppurtunity to share Sub.
Kind and warm regards - R.B

P.S (edit) - Sub,, trust me I'm a full on loner,, Im 30 and not been laid since drug induced psychosis and the psychiatric ward made me into the town lunatic at 17- thats when I became so introverted and social exclusion made me a people hating loner,,, but as I say I'm starting to trust people again,, and have a few very true friends,, which leads me to the point where you say
"all i've ever wanted is to be in love with someone who wants to feel the same way about me. I want affection and when girls find out that i'm a very affectionate person it has always scared them away.... and i wonder what the fuck must be wrong with me because it happens every time, and when it happens i go completely off the rails and fall back into self harm with drugs. I just can't let that keep happening and as lonely as i am, i know it has to wait and I fix myself first. one day at a time"
dude I'm completely with you on most of what you say,, and have faith that the right girls out there for me,,, someday - though as I like my own company I do accept the Morrissey quote "Love, peace and harmony? Very nice, very nice, very nice - maybe in the next world".
But seriously bud,, when you said "I want affection and when girls find out that i'm a very affectionate person it has always scared them away.... and i wonder what the fuck must be wrong with me" I can absolutely wholeheartedly without a shadow of a doubt say that NOTHING is wrong with you for wanting that form of a relationship!! Nothing,, it's what's wrong with them that's the only issue -why shouldnt you want that level of reciprocal love? Surely thats what we're all after? Love and understanding,,, so please don't think like that,, girls like that just aren't ready for that level of a relationship (fuckin weirdo's!) so bollocks to them I say,, you offered them that and they ran? No way is that your fault,, period..
I've had similar experiences with girls who wanna sleep with me first then maybe get to know me,, while they'd blow me out for another guy if he came along in a second, I'm too sensitive to risk that so I just flip them the bird if they don't wanna be my friend first,, but please,, with relationships that go that way,, you really shouldn't beat yourself up over it at all! You're right to want that, as I do,, and many others do... I figure when it happens right it'll just flow and you'll know this time it's different.
Hope that helps a bit Sub..

 

[roadkill barbie]

A girl may be helpful for you to overcome your addiction, but what else can you find that helps? Girlfriends come and go. If staying off of heroin is completely dependent on a relationship, then you are still not in control. Can you maybe expand your circle of friends? Take care of your physical health? Find hobbies/interests? Values, beliefs, passions, and friendship are less volatile than romantic relationships.

I've already posted my take on a little bit of this issue Sub - but I've gotta say I find this to be extremely good general advice. Furthermore I kinda look at my situation in the big picture and I know I have to concentrate on the above more than the possibility of love.. Making a new good friend, getting back to the gym and fight nights I love, making sense of my past and channeling it into my music / creative writing, finding a job where my past issues are valued and help others and returning to living a Stoic/ Zen kinda lifestyle are , off the top of my head all more important than the girl at the end of the rainbow.. I believe in myself enough to know I can create joy in doing things other than opiates - I myself can overcome this, regardless of love - inherently within me is the strength to change. I know " no man is an island" and my journey will be helped (and hindered) by others, but my willpower is in the driving seat,, not NA or others. Have faith in yourself Sub, and perhaps broaden your horizons a bit mate,, I've put on a stone in a month n' hate being fat- wouldnt wanna have a girlfriend without a sixpack,, but more than that I know a healthier diet and back to the gym might make me happier, and more in control - so there's one step for me to look to,, know what I/ we mean? And anyways,, besides the girlfriend you mentioned relocating to England right? We can overcome and reach our goals, but it's up to us