Have i lost my son forever? How bad is it?

[Nosila]

Are we sure your son was awake when then sex went down? With all the drinking and drugs and what not, maybe your son was long passed out. I for one fall asleep almost instantly when I hit the couch after a night of partying. You weren't aware he was there so you didn't see him watching. Well, I'd give the benefit of the doubt that he has no idea you two had sex unless Rob said he was awake or your son brings it up. I'd just as rather assume you got away with it this time.

Doesn't mean you shouldn't have a talk with your son cause the whole situation with Rob affected him no doubt. I don't envy having that kind of talk with a 19 year old. you can leave the sex part of it out IMO unless you are convinced he knows about it.

Does your sons job driving vans involve working with Rob? If so, is he going to keep working there?

Yes, he was awake, although he was extremely drunk and worse for wear.
I dont remember everything that happened, i remember it mostly in flickers, a bit here a bit there.
I remember looking up and seeing him sat on the couch with his eyes semi open watching the tv which had a porn movie playing that Rob had put on. However i was absolutely out of it, and was not until morning i realised the severity of what had actually happened, and i felt absolutely sick and horrofied.

I also did speak to him briefly the following evening, and i asked him if in his opinion i was raped, and he said no.

And No, my sons driving job is not working for Rob.
The only thing he has lost is a free car mechanic, because Rob used to fix his van.

I am extremely worried on a number of levels.
I have been a hard working mother all my life, am an assisstant manageress, was faithful to my ex husband, have my own home bought and paid for, been reasonably normal, and now am sick at the thought of becoming labelled the weirdo, or even worse, my son gets labelled somekind of pervert

 

[Nosila]

you were drugged and out of it and the man who drugged you had sex with you in front of your son. that is assault.

I think you should speak to a counsellor about this, just to have a place to get some support and perspective.

The only problem with this, is that would mean another person knowing about it.

Although my relationship with my son is strained at the moment, i cant look him in the eye, when i speak to him i stutter, and he hardly says anything to me, just kind of grunts replies and hides away doing his own thing

 

[My3sons]

You were fucked up and made some bad decisions. You said you were were conscious, relaxed and mesmerized with the porn. I don't see why he would think that you were raped. You never said no or appeared to struggle. Was it completely inappropriate and tasteless on robs and your part??? Yes... rob seemed to be trying to show that he was the man of the house in some twisted way and you lost all your inhibitions. Its over now. Get over it, learn from it, and apologize to your son. Accept responsibility and make a lesson out of it. Point out how he knows that u don't behave like that and see what can happen when you drink and do drugs. Promise that it won't happen again and give hum space. He will get over it. Dont drink and do drugs with him again.

 

[Nosila]

You were fucked up and made some bad decisions. You said you were were conscious, relaxed and mesmerized with the porn. I don't see why he would think that you were raped. You never said no or appeared to struggle. Was it completely inappropriate and tasteless on robs and your part??? Yes... rob seemed to be trying to show that he was the man of the house in some twisted way and you lost all your inhibitions. Its over now. Get over it, learn from it, and apologize to your son. Accept responsibility and make a lesson out of it. Point out how he knows that u don't behave like that and see what can happen when you drink and do drugs. Promise that it won't happen again and give hum space. He will get over it. Dont drink and do drugs with him again.

Thank you.

I like this reply, making the best of a bad situation and turning it around to a positive.

I will try speak to him eventually, and will try take this approach, and in future drugs are banned from the house

 

[PriestTheyCalledHim]

Thank you.

I like this reply, making the best of a bad situation and turning it around to a positive.

I will try speak to him eventually, and will try take this approach, and in future drugs are banned from the house

Give it time. He could have seen you get raped/date raped/sexually assaulted by your ex. Or he could have just been completely fucked up with the drugs and had no idea what was going on and not remember any of it.

 

[socko]

Your son is 18. Why does he still live at home? You are single and still relatively young. You have a right to live your own life including your sex life in privacy. It sounds like you were drinking heavily that night. That leads to bad situations. I also recommend the movie Spanking the Monkey. It has similar weird themes but much worse.

 

[Jabberwocky]

I don't know how recently this incident happened, but you might consider getting a drug test if you think you were drugged by Rob. They sell them in pharmacies around these parts. If you find out you've been drugged against your will that's a whole different situation. Consider doing it quick while it's still in your system.

Awkwardness aside, this'll pass and it won't ruin your relationship if you keep it together. I'm sure your son if he was aware of what happened has a whole different perspective on drugs now. Might influence his behavior and outlook for the better. Good luck to you.

 

[ghostandthedarknes]

sounds like everyone was just too fucked up.

 

[One Thousand Words]

...the sofa is fine

That's something only your son can make the call on

 

[dopemaster]

Give it time. He could have seen you get raped/date raped/sexually assaulted by your ex. Or he could have just been completely fucked up with the drugs and had no idea what was going on and not remember any of it.

Exactly on point here. It seems like dude did not really know what was going on.

If your relationhip is toxic, make a choice and what you want.

People usually forgive their family, at least a few times. Most my family I do not have contact with.

 

[Eveleivibe]

Thats pretty selfish and irresponsible to have sex in the family room on the couch with your 19 yr old son in the house. No matter how fucked up you are you take that to your room when other people are home. I am sure he will get over it but might see you a little different now.

That's a bit harsh to judge her like that the woman was drugged. This Rob should be done for rape, in my opinion. How can you someone who has been drugged?

I don't know how recently this incident happened, but you might consider getting a drug test if you think you were drugged by Rob. They sell them in pharmacies around these parts. If you find out you've been drugged against your will that's a whole different situation. Consider doing it quick while it's still in your system.

Awkwardness aside, this'll pass and it won't ruin your relationship if you keep it together. I'm sure your son if he was aware of what happened has a whole different perspective on drugs now. Might influence his behavior and outlook for the better. Good luck to you.

Yes I agree with this.

Evey

 

[dopemaster]

Everyone was a willing participant in drug use. They are all adults.

Starting strife won't help.

 

[SterlingM.Archer]

So from what I gather, he was aware of what happens since he said he though you weren't raped. So he was probably at least semi conscious, but also very possibly to intoxicated to move. I'm sure his memory is fuzzy as well. It's a truly strange situation. First and foremost I hope rob is out of the picture for ever.
I Think for sure he has lost some respect for you and most certainly any innocence he had.
Some one above probed a little about his social life, including girlfriends, do you know if he was still a virgin or have maybe an educated guess? Curiosity can be a strong motivator to do something that we look back and realize was unnatural. And not to mention he had been drinking, smoking, and maybe even doing amps? So If he hasn't had a very active social life, especially with girls, then that is a possibility and would explain his standoffish actions. He is probably feeling ashamed. He has to know what happened wasn't right.
And possibly rob maybe made him watch. Could have threatened to harm him or you of he didn't. If that's a possibility then again shame if probably a big factor. Was rob ever violent? You said he was a former soccer hooligan, but as an American I don't entirely know what that entails. I assume at the very least fighting.
Lots of possibilities and I think you do need to seek counseling soon rather than later. I mean it's already pushing y'all apart. There are professionals who can help. Don't put it off any longer.

 

[dopemaster]

Another thing to consider is it might have been so traumatic for him especially under the influence of God knows what that he might have suppressed the memory.

He probably misses his mother but is pissed she kicked him out and probably thinks that it is because of Rob.

Time should heal these wounds if you let it. It is best to try to make peace because tomorrow is guaranteed to no one.

I wouldn't hold on to all that anxiety and resentment and own up to your own part in this with yourself and let it all go. Guilt is a rather useless emotion but a bit of empathy.

I don't see how anyone could turn their back on their kids. Trust me when I say you will regret it if you do not see your child again no matter how it goes down.

 

[Eveleivibe]

I don't think OP kicked the son out, she kicked Rob out. Sorry to talk about you in the third person, OP x

Evey

 

[noone1]

At 19 your son is an adult, and as such could have decided to leave the room.

Live and learn, I doubt this has ruined your relationship with your son, but to be safe I'd suggest buying a new sofa

I'm guessing both her and her son have a trauma back round and this isn't the first fucked up relationship they've been through. Therapy please, lots and lots of therapy for both of you.

 

[dopemaster]

^
gft

Things are not nearly as bad as they seem. If he stayed with you longer than he had to (legal working age) than he probably still cares about you OP. If I remember you were spending time together and living together.

Look I left home right before I turned 17 and after about 4 months on the streets was able to stay with some family somewhere else. I haven't spoken to my father in years after giving him many chances to just not be a horrible person, same deal with other family members. So most likely you can mend things.

Regardless, I would recommend seeking closure and putting this thing behind you. So I would go speak to my child if I was you. He might tell you to fuck off and die, but I doubt it. Either way you kinda did start this thing, at least this time, I am sure this is not the first fucked up thing to happen but you can do better.

You need to have more respect for yourself and be able to like who you are in the long run if you ever want to have a good relationship with a man or your son in the long run, but letting this drag out is only prolonging both your pain and well he needs closure more than you do.

Their is no point in dwelling in self pity, misery, and shame. Your depression is self inflicted at this point. You need to go sort things in my opinion.

 

[Nosila]

I'm guessing both her and her son have a trauma back round and this isn't the first fucked up relationship they've been through. Therapy please, lots and lots of therapy for both of you.

No actually, appart from the divorce which was quite traumatic, he has not been brought up in a traumatic background.
He lives in a house in a decent area which is bought and paid for largely due to his father aswell as myself working hard.
I was not happy when he began dabbling in drugs but it did not seem to be effecting him badly and it was only a dabble.
I had not taken drugs since before i was even married and did not even realise the effects drugs can have.
I am now against drugs for recreational use and medicinal use only, where-as before i had no opinion on it.
Seriously i think i was suffering from a temporary bout of schizophrenia at the time, although it was gone in the morning.

 

[One Thousand Words]

How do you know it was the drugs and not the alcohol that lowered your inhibitions?

You wouldn't be the first person to regret their sexual activity once they have sobered up. I'm not condoning someone slipping you drugs in your drink, but if the worst that occurred was you had sex with a long term partner in front of your son then be thankful.

 

[Eveleivibe]

yea alcohol is a drug too are you still gna be drink alcohol? OTW has a good point in that alcohol also lowers inhibitions and has people doing stuff they'd not normally do, and regret once sober.

Evey