neversickanymore, thanks for responding.
On ritalin and dexidrine, i was super energized, motivated and was able to get things done. I distinctly remember one time when i snorted dexidrine in the bathroom at school ,i came back to class and was asked to read a paragraph of a novel out loud, i ended up finishing the whole chapter super fast because i didn't want to stop reading lol
On coke, i felt more able to open up, i felt able to express myself deeply, i was confident. I would also get super paranoid, staying up all night looking through the window, hearing things, nervousness, suspicious, paranoid and such ( I think this happened when i would do allot on binges). I ended up doing a few lines of coke half a year ago and as soon as i snorted it i just thought to myself, wow this is what it feels like to be alive again. I'm not really sure why i stopped using it, i just suddenly stopped one day, I think i stopped using it because i was worried about what it was doing to my mind, i was getting really paranoid, forgetting things alot.
My reaction to prozac, i remember being very irritable and pissed off and i tried to commit suicide a couple times.
My reaction to effexor, i didn't take it long because i didn't like the way it was making me feel, weird brain zaps, dissociated feeling, angry.
Zoloft, the first 3 days i felt really violent and annoyed for some reason, then after that, for the duration of taking it i felt really calm, almost too calm.
I took wellbutrin in combination with escitalopram, i didnt really notice much of a difference, just that i was like fixated on lights so i was worried i was going to get seizures so i stopped taking it. I always end up stopping antidepressants, or taking too low dosages because of the sexual side effects and i'm afraid they are screwing up my brain in the long run, then i end up going back on them cause i feel i cant function without them.
There was a period of a year when i was 15, taking celexa (i was living in a group home because my parents didn't want me living with them anymore) and i did really well, i wasn't depressed, i was super motivated, socialable, wanted to bake things and make things for people all the time. It was really strange. I took it again last year and didn't get the same effect.
I have one friend that i sometimes feel comfortable around, when i am on antidepressants we can talk really well and for a long time, when i'm not on them i tend to have very little to say and the conversation just dies out or i get suspicious about her motives for talking to me. But she is in my home country so we only get to talk on skype once in awhile.
Yes i do experience periods where i feel pretty good, today for example, i woke up and i was feeling like i was getting back into my energy and creative flow which i haven't experienced for awhile, i was able to get a few things done. I will have days at work where i just completely fuck everything up and cant remember things that i do everyday, am suspicious of customers judging or laughing at me, have nervous breakdowns and start crying and am totally nervous and dropping things. Then i will have days where i am super productive, getting things done easily, socialable and im really focused on everything.
I was placed on antidepressants when i was 13 by a counseler, i was already using pot and inhalents before then. I was placed on them because the therapist thought i had depression. I had a really bad relationship with my mother, we would fight alot, she always yelled at me, i started cutting my wrists, i think i was also starting to have insecurities because of my appearance.
When im watching people in social situations, i tend to find their conversations shallow, boring and uninteresting, i watch their behavior and their facial expressions, i think everything revolves around attractiveness, i notice people who are more attractive get more attention and are more confident, i think everything revolves around "reproduction", i analyze every reaction i get to something i say, every look. The most common feeling i get in these situations is anxiety, fear, i feel stiff, i'm overly conscious of every movement i make, i don't say much because i think everything i say is insignificant and will sound stupid. This is why i start drinking, to ease the anxiety and be able to talk. The problem is i end up saying/doing inappropriate things, like sleeping with people i'm trying to have friendships with, and then the possibility of a friendship gets ruined.
When i first started taking x, i would feel the usual lovey dovey effect, outgoingness, pleasure, empathy, energized. My last x experiences, were very paranoid, shitty, panicky, anxious. The very last time i used it i ended up going to the hospital because i thought my spine was breaking, i turned out to be completely fine, i thought i heard the nurses in the hospital laughing at me, talking about me and saying i looked like i had aids... :/
The last time i didn't take any drugs or medications was about 5 years ago, for a period of 2 years, i went back to finish high school, i did fairly well in school, but made no friends because i was so scared of everyone and felt beneath them, which is why i went to a psychologist again and got back on antidepressants.
Reading all of this i feel embarrassed, maybe i'm just self obsessed and i make all of these problems up subconsciously in my mind to feel more important than i really am because i don't want to accept that i'm really just nothing and no one actually gives a shit....if that makes any sense at all
I know from experience how lame some of those symptoms can be.. I think you have a good chance of getting to the bottom of this if you keep at it