Cocaine Going from excessive use to acceptable use

[Stringer_Bell]

Thanks Tinker. I think the key part of your post is 'you have to say you're done'.

Well I'm done. This is going nowhere and no good is going to come out of it. Since I started using coke I've basically stopped doing all the things I enjoyed before. Those other things were subtle, nuanced and wonderful. And coke is just a tedious dopamine rush. It's like colour compared to monochrome.

I know it's easy to say this, coming off a binge. The hard part will be in a few days when my mood is normal, I'm a bit bored and the idea of a few lines seems like a good idea. But I'm going to deal with it.

Biggest problem is not being able to cut off supply.

 

[crzydiamond]

I

Thank you so much for all your replies.

I've made a decision. I never want to use again. Ever.

Now I would just like someone to tell me 'how far down the rabbit hole' I am.

- Have used over the course of four months
- Normal use is 3-4 day binge of 2-3.5 grams
- After the binge I get very depressed for about 3-4 days then recover
- A few days after recovery I begin the cycle again
- During the four months there was a 2 months period I didn't use at all because I was abroad in a country where they would lock me up for 20 years for just mentioning 'cocaine'
- I have never smoked or injected
- I have a good job and a loving girlfriend
- I don't have any other drug addictions although I take antidepressants and occasional benzos (maybe once a week but they've never had any recreational value for me).

I would just like somebody to tell me I can quit and that it's not like a 1 in 10 chance I'm going to make it. I feel so disappointed in myself, ashamed and dispirited. I want to go back to the healthy life I had before, running 10km a day, eating well, sleeping well, enjoying dinners with a couple of glasses of wine.

I'm worried I've screwed my life up and that I'm going to repeat my pattern of abuse indefinitely.

I know it varies from individual to individual but how hard is this going to be? How deep am I into this addiction? Presumably it's not going to be as tough as somebody who has been IV'ing heroin for 20 years.

I'm resolved now, I really am but I've vowed to give up coke before (always after a binge) and I've always gone back to it. I never want to do that again.

Of course you can do it. You have @2 months of use (out of the 4). You did moderately heavy amounts but nothing insane on your binges. You aren't smoking it or IVing it (that's like a whole different drug). Truthfully, you haven't done anything worse than any experimenting college kid. And most importantly, you want to stop, and you have good reasons/motivations to stop

What would help you is to have something to fill that void that you are currently filling with coke. You have to find something you can really get into, a pastime/hobby/passion. Some people love exercise and the natural endorphins. Some like painting or drawing. Some like working on cars. You have to find something outside of work and family that you really love to do. Because just quitting (as you have seen) doesn't last for long. You will always go back cause you are searching for something to give you that good feeling. But a sense of pride and accomplishment is a much better natural high

 

[Stringer_Bell]

Thank you crzydiamond. I think I needed to hear that.

There are three things I'm passionate about. Writing. Running. And I've just started dancing which I absolutely love. I'm going to try to just do those whenever I feel the cravings.

I honestly can't wait to be drug free again. My life has become so two dimensional since I started using, not to mention the damage I'm doing to myself, relationships, finances, etc. I'll update this thread but my mind is made up to never buy (or accept) coke again. I've said that before and meant it but this time I'm going to do it. Enough is enough.

 

[Stringer_Bell]

Also I'm using a lot of benzos (klonopin) for the 2-3 days to deal with coming off the coke. The very last thing I want on earth is a benzo addiction. Is 2-3 days long enough to develop any kind of physical dependence.

 

[RDP89]

how old are u?

we can all promise u that its impossible to use hard drugs moderately.

the first problem is usually mental dependency. you will end up using everyday, bet on that. Then depending on ur living/social situation is dependent on ur problems. if u live alone, and don't make a lot of money, and even if u were making 6 figures or more, u can easily fall into financial problems. but yeah, just do the math..

but yeah, ur not really asking a question. ur just looking for an answer to rationalize using the way u want to.

u shouldnt be getting that here on this website.

this is a cliche quote but its the truth

nothing- NOTHING good will come from the choice to use drugs.

There are no absolutes, every person is different. You're looking at things very black and white. It's not just either quit all drugs or your life is fucked..ha...that's ludicrous. That said, cocaine is not a drug that lends itself well to moderation. There are plenty who do it responsibly, but generally alot more tend to go overboard.

 

[crzydiamond]

No. Use of benzos for a few days will be fine

I just wanted to say--remember, a craving is just a craving. It's a quick 3 second thought in your brain. It's when we feed the cravings, by prolonging them and thinking of the drug and how you felt and any other positive stuff that causes problems. That's what gives cravings their power--feeding them.

When you have a craving, and you undoubtedly will in the beginning (though for me with coke they are intense at first but within a couple weeks they are almost nonexistent), don't give it power by feeding it and turning it into an obsession which usually leads to picking up. Either consciously think of something else--or read a book,call a friend, whatever distracts you--or if you really can't stop thinking of using, let your thoughts continue to the bad stuff of what happens AFTER you use don't just focus on the "good" part.

Remember, cravings are just cravings. Nothing more, if you don't give them power.


You might want to check out Sober Living or The Dark Side forums here on BL for support also....

 

[Stringer_Bell]

Thanks crzydiamond, your posts have really helped me and given me hope. It's true, cravings don't last. I think I'm guilty of indulging them and fanning the flames. I'm not going to do that anymore.

Am going to check out those other parts of Bluelight.

 

[whateveryouwill]

I disagree with that quote, i think psychedelics can really open up your mind. Nothing good comes from hard drug use though, thats for sure. (Opiates, benzos, cocaine, and meth, and heroin as the worst opiate, these all generally end badly)

yeah i was purely referring to hard drugs

 

[whateveryouwill]

Thank you. I appreciate the reply. I'm 38.

I already am using way too much, I don't doubt that. I wondered if i could get to a place where I could use a 'reasonable' amount. I am not disagreeing with what you say but there are many people that use cocaine recreationally aren't there? Doesn't that contradict what you're saying about it being impossible to use hard drugs moderately?

Financially, I don't think this will be a problem at the moment but could be in the future.

Yes you're right that I'm looking for a way to rationalise using coke. The reason is that I enjoy it and I don't enjoy many things in life (I have depression and few things are enjoyable). So of course I'd like to keep using if I could.

I agree that nothing good comes from the choice to use but still so many of us use them.

So it sounds like you are saying I should quit altogether. I think you're right. It's not particularly appealing but I guess it's the best thing to do.

I'd still be interested to hear other views.

And finally, give me some hope man. I've been using for about four months, on and off. Am I going to be able to walk away from this?

the only way to use "responsibly"is to take long breaks in between doses. yes its true u can use every 72 hours without becoming psychically hooked but u surely will mentally. maybe use once a month ? but honestly its not easy, i understand.

 

[SmokingAces]

^What on earth are you talking about? You could use for 6 months straight and never become "physically hooked" to cocaine. It isn't physically addictive, drugs like heroin and benzo's are physically addictive. Cocaine and other stimulants all fall under the category of psychologically addictive drugs.

 

[poloblue]

Prob end up shooting it. Even if you don't, mental health will certainly deteriorate . At the veryyyy least anxiety / depression. Which in turn could likely lead to dope as way of escaping the shitty mind you've created for yourself. Loved doin Coke pretty much exactly like u said every couple week binges. Loved party drugs. Everything changed one day n opiates wouldn't let me look back. GL man plz b smart.

 

[Stringer_Bell]

Thanks all. Yeah I don't think I can use cocaine 'sensibly' if there is such a thing. I've been prescribed benzos for years and never taken them more frequently or upped the dose. They just have zero recreational value for me. The only time I'll take them is if I have really bad insomnia or if I get an anxiety attack and have to do a presentation or something (otherwise I'll just ride it out).

Opiates, I've had in hospital (IV morphine) and it felt good but left me kind of drained and hungover so I couldn't imagine doing that every day.

Alcohol - can take it or leave it.

Cigarettes - been hooked. For the last 7 years I can smoke a few ciggies on a night out then not touch them again for months.

Amphetamines - prescribed dexamfetamine. Used to love the euphoria but hate that it lasts so long and leaves me tweaked out and unable to sleep. Still take them occasionally if I have to get stuff done (like assembling about 20 pieced of IKEA flat pack furniture). Other than that can have them lying around for months and never touch them.

MDMA - doesn't do anything for me because I'm on antidepressants so not a drug I can use/abuse anyway.

But fukking cocaine......... for some reason it's got me. Even though the high doesn't feel that great at all (not sure if that's because i'm on antidepressants). I honestly can't say what it is, I just love doing it. Love chopping it up, racking up lines, love the taste as it goes up, the numbness. I love that it doesn't last all that long at all. Having to keep redosing is a massive part of the appeal.

If I ever start injecting it I know I'm finished. I've read enough accounts about IV coke use to know how savage that is and how quickly it will take a person down. I can say here it's something I would never do but am sure lots of smarter and more experienced BL'ers would tell me that many a man has made the same statement and then fast forward a few months...............

Anyway I'm not doing too well at all with it at the moment but I might attend some NA meetings, maybe see a therapist. I honestly don't know how much good that stuff does. I can't keep doing what I have been because after the 3-4 day binges I literally cannot function. Somehow I've managed to get enough work done while flying high that I can pretty much do nothing for 3 days while I'm recovering but that won't last.

And yeah to the poster who said it will affect mental health. That's probably my biggest reason to quit. Having depression and anxiety is bad enough but obviously coke is going to make it much worse. Hope I haven't permanently screwed up my neurochemistry (even more than it's naturally screwed up).

So ironic - the whole stimulant thing started for me because I was too depressed to function. Doc prescribed Cylert (pemoline). That did wonders for getting me through work days when I wouldn't have been able to get out of bed otherwise. Then it was Dex. And then I thought I'd give coke a go (obviously at this point it was purely recreational).

 

[gmlifer]

Your use is pretty light weight at this point. Definitely a good time to quit like you already said you were going to do. I could easily do 3.5 grams + in one night when I was doing Coke. Quitting at that level was difficult because I had to stop drinking as well to be successful.

Stay strong man. Now is the time to walk away.

 

[Stringer_Bell]

Thanks gmlifer. I thought I might cop some flack for making this thread just because I know my use probably seems fairly lame compared to a lot of BL'ers who are struggling with far more intense addictions.

I just want to nip this in the bud before it turns into something bad. Actually to be truthful it's too late to nip it in the bud. I do definitely feel that I have a problem. I think about coke all the time, I get very strong cravings, it's almost cost me dearly at work (almost ending a current gig and actually sabotaging a new one), it's caused relationship problems, periods of suicidal depression, etc.

But yeah, at this stage I'd probably get through a gram a day. There's no way I'd be able to go through an 8-ball in an evening, so as you say my use is fairly light at the moment.

I'm going abroad for a few weeks where I'll have zero access to any type of drug other than alcohol so I'm going to try to use that period to really turn this around.

The biggest problem I'm struggling with at the moment is the voice in my head telling me that this is something I really enjoy and if I keep it to doing a gram over the course of a night every two weeks or so, there isn't really a problem. The sensible counterargument to that is that I haven't been able to do that so far and there's no reason to think I'd be able to do it now. Plus even doing a gram every two weeks isn't exactly healthy.

Is there a basic timetable (I know it's going to vary from person to person) in terms of cravings? Can I expect them to diminish after weeks? Months? I plan on avoiding alcohol as well just because I know that could easily lead to me thinking f**k it and giving in. I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing but there's no problem with me having to avoid social groups or environments. Sad as it is ever since I started doing coke it's been a solo habit. Most of my friends who used to do coke (back when I wouldn't touch the stuff) have given up and to be honest I enjoy just doing it, firing off e-mails, watching a movie, listening to music or whatever.

Well, thanks for all the responses in this thread. I do appreciate being taken seriously when I know there are lots of people on here dealing with far tougher situations.

 

[gmlifer]

The voice in my head was a huge problem. My brain was in love with Coke. It wanted it all the time. To the point that I deleted my dealers number years ago and haven't text him in a few years and I still remember his number. The cravings were insane but if I can quit anyone can.

 

[alfredosauce]

Try meth

 

[Stringer_Bell]

Think I'm going to go with Alfredosauce's suggestion. Sounds like an effecive way to quit coke anyway.

Thanks gmlifer. Do you still get cravings? how long until they subside to a manageable level?

 

[gmlifer]

Think I'm going to go with Alfredosauce's suggestion. Sounds like an effecive way to quit coke anyway.

Thanks gmlifer. Do you still get cravings? how long until they subside to a manageable level?

Yes, I still get cravings all the time to get a drink and an 8 ball but when it comes up I just make sure that when I get off work that I go home to the wife. If I can just get home after work I don't fall in to temptation. Also, I don't hang out with a couple very good friends of mine anymore because we would use for sure.

How long until they are manageable? I know the cravings were pretty intense for the first year or so. You have to learn to manage them quickly or you will find yourself in a "fuck it" situation. My advice: don't drink and learn your triggers. Recognize your triggers so you can avoid them and talk yourself down from them.

It's a rough mental battle but like I said your use is fairly light. The night that I almost overdosed I started doing Coke at 7am and by 3am had gone through almost a 1/4 ounce (had just a little bit of help from a buddy to get through that much). If you have never stood in front of a mirror unable to catch your breath thinking this is it, im about to die, then consider yourself lucky. The feeling and panic you get when you realize you have gone way to far and there is no switch to turn it off is very scary.

Edit: I wanted to say that although I did a lot I have met people that did even more than I did. They owned a successful business before they started on Coke. They had the means to afford a very nasty habit. In the end their health was shit and they lost everything. It can be bad stuff man. Your instincts to walk away are right now you just have to find the right motivation. The motivation has to be stronger than the craving.

 

[Stringer_Bell]

I really want to use one more time (meaning getting maybe 1-2g) just before I go away to this foreign country for 3 weeks (where I won't be able to use) and quit for good. Is there any harm in doing so? I mean I'll be on my own, gf won't be around. Would just be a nice way to pass a couple of days before Xmas.

 

[mysafehome01]

I really want to use one more time (meaning getting maybe 1-2g) just before I go away to this foreign country for 3 weeks (where I won't be able to use) and quit for good. Is there any harm in doing so? I mean I'll be on my own, gf won't be around. Would just be a nice way to pass a couple of days before Xmas.

If you find that you simply can't have fun without it then maybe it's best you try to abstain? If you do decide to come clean and wash your hands off it then please try to make sure you don't swap one addiction for another.

You're in quite a fortunate position in that you have only just started using it, relative to your age. While your life is good (which I can gather from your posts) I suggest trying to knock this one on the head.

Good luck my friend. Addiction is an awful beast.