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  • EADD Moderators: Pissed_and_messed | Shinji Ikari

Gibberings CLXXX - one hundred and eiiiiiiiiiighty!

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http://www.mediafire.com/watch/xdnhx08oakj3jm0/idiot.mov Enjoy the face of regret.

I should do miming. Well I made some noise. Epitomises my thought process over last 20-40mins or whatever quite correctly, if not devaluing it.

Soz people, didn't intend to come back and post in over half a year then make a twat out myself and HR, then subject you to a complete error in mdpv dosage and consequent filming/ranting. But it just seems to do that to people. Honestly though, just ignore me right now if its annoying, I no doubt am spewing words at such a high dose taken in error.

Well I shall wank myself clean now/knock some sense into me, if thats possible. SO much for my first m-hole in over a year :/ Peace. Stay safe :S
 
I watched the video before i read and i thought high-dose MXE because i have done the same at the end.. When you say "okay" lol. i kinda get what you mean right there. Whenever i exit an almost m-hole i feel, r say, "arite, ok, yes that did happen to myself lol

indeed good advice stay safe
 
Jesus I'm still feeling that peeves shot :S Fucking long. I just spend the last few hours writing a email to a mate about me stopping taking drugs, while high to fuck on drugs.

I probs shouldn't send it lol. thing is he would actually understand me if I did, he isn't someone who would instantly change his opinion on me one way or another. It's rambley to fuck though. And while he has known me a long time and taken drugs with me, and isn't himself at stage of its now of never mate... I think I could getaway with it. Given the strict guidelines I've set myself with this stuff. Thing is I've been honest about my big fuck up and basically said I want one last chance to prove to myself I can take drugs responsibly. Maybe I am in denial though :/

It basically says how I have reached rock bottom, am at last chance to turn it around (mental health time) and how I'm sorry for being a bad friend. All true.

But it ends in this:

So regardless of current mental state which again, I felt it better to be honest with you about... I hope it still means something to hear it! Like I said if I fail for good now, thats it. I will take small steps at a time always trying my hardest to improve / get where I feel I should be. I will not always go dead straight forward but overall the direction will be forward, not back... If not I don't deserve sympathy or you as a mate, or any one for that matter. Thanks for sticking by me for so long dude, I don't know how you did it, well i guess we have grown apart lately and I firmly believe that's my fault/inactions. I just hope you have faith I can get it fight finally! I know it sounds bad mistaking that much peeves for mxe. If it wasn't so stupid it would be funny. Family even gives up on family some times so I realise it could be worse for me. Failure is not an option. I want to be a good friend again ben, to you and others. and not a failure son/brother/nephew/person any more. I realise I have good qualities but they are shadowed/tainted by the negatives and have been for far too long now. Why do I only see it when I have almost exhausted all roads of help but the last and not sooner eh Sooner when we we closer, sooner when mark was alive, sooner when I didn't fall out with alex and powel or sooner that my life wouldn't have been going no where fast for like 8 or 10 years?

I do see it clearly now, clearly threw the sweating shaky hands typing this due to yet another mistake with drugs :( This time I intend to change for good though, and while I always intended in the past I don't think I had such clear intent/feelings of hopelessness/this is the end/last shot at getting it right etc. Where do you go if you fail the mental health team? Nowhere. Just get worse no doubt. And while I wished I'd seen it this way sooner, for all those reasons/possible different outcomes occurring in life, in mates and ex mates lives etc. I didn't for whatever reason :( At least I see it now.

You heard it here first! just so you know :P I feel putting it to you is itself a step in the right direction. Apologies again for the length of this, I decided to send it after reading it and knowing I'd be sober in a couple of hours! Hope you appreciate the honesty! Sorry again for repeating myself and the length of this, your slow reading wont help! Xx

I appreciate any feedback you have even if you think i won't like it obviously! But I realise its pretty full on and a lot to take in when you have a job/life etc. ;) I also know you wouldn't just expect me to change.... without seeing some steps or many first, which is fine, I can live with that! Xx

Look forward to hearing from you man. And having read all that and feeling worse now from the peeves OD. I plan not to take any of that till I move home now too. That's the least I can do. I should probs bin it all now you no doubt think but I know myself to well to give up so easy. I have chucked my pipe and grinder away when I came back from York last time and not smoked since. I feel able to make the correct call with what I have currently. I am likely justifying this to myself mainly; as you will say I have to do whats best for me ultimately and decide when/if to quit for myself, and thats what I intend to do. I agree it would be easier to bin it in many ways, but I feel I can trust myself to do that if needed, and really do want the chance to prove myself able to take drugs occasionally. This is important to me (not as important as having a life and friends obviously, but the last time I will allow myself a chance to ever take drugs on my own. It's not easy to give in, I feel I am being realistic. If you were to say its you or the drugs I'd choose to have you as a mate, but I think you would say I can only learn at my own time/and trust I do the right thing. Of course thats me alive saying that, and you may feel that was a mistake too risky to repeat. (In many ways I'd agree. But I wouldn't make the same mistake again, now. Is it worth it? I will let you know. I plan to stick to not having any till I move in to new house, if I manage that, then manage to use sensibly after, I will have achieved something far greater than just giving up all drugs. Of course theres likely a reason why absence is recommended for repeat drug users. But I'd still like the chance to prove otherwise. If I can't then I can't! No more second changes, not now not ever (just not including that last dose of 120mgpeevee!)

I guess I'm looking for your approval but also know I should probably just live without drugs entirely after so many problems with them. But I want one last chance to see if I am strong enough to do it without going t-total. If I can finally use this chance to teach me when is right to use them, instead of not at all, which is the only other outcome, I'd prefer to try one last time to use them sensibly. It may sound weird and counterintuitive but I have binned drugs before what I thought they were doing me harm and will do again if needed. It comes down to that fuck up being questionable in terms of legit fuck ups I guess. But I see how dumb that may sound. To me I have a choice still to use drugs rarely and sensibly and still keep my friends (or the ones worth having at least, as within that statement means I know when is appropriate to take what if anything. So hypothetically I could turn my life around and still take drugs as a rare treat when in the right company) and think the risk on my health is worth it, considering how I feel about this sober and wasted, how honest I will be with myself if I fail to use sensibly, as I would be fucking myself over if I did anything but view this with as little bias as possible....also not wanting to go straight edge/t-total like so many others. Maybe its because I'm at the point where I feel Its now or never and I believe its possible to not eliminate drugs completely and still improve my life to the degree i want. Albeit maybe harder I think I will be honset enough with myself to do the right thing if and when I have to. Like I did with my pipe and grinder, which cost about as much as this stuff did.

To end I don't think I'm in denial, although if I decide I am, I am!
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I think sobering up a bit, its a bit much to ask him to go along with it :/ Like I say, (piss poorly) I do still think I can beat this without going t-total. Whether I should try or not is the issue. I am beginning to see its just utter drug ramblings. And any good intention is failed in my insobriety.
 
To put it more into context I haven't fallen out over drugs with this guy, but just been shitey mate to most by withdrawing socially on many occasions, a few worse things but not repeated, and a few queonably my fault or the people around mrs or a combination. He isn't anti-drugs, nor is he asking me to give them up. I'm basically catching up with him as I haven't spoke to him because of anxiety/depression (which is reinforced with my taking certain drugs to often in the past... and making me feel more content with not giving a fuck than i would otherwise) so we have simply not been catching up recently. He has taken peeved with me among others, but has grown up a lot, but still takes drugs occasionally, granted he doesn't have my exact history of drug use.

But he has had bad regrets on them and bad trips and felt embarrassed while gong out etc. So I guess I am randomly responding to him with i'm planning on turning a corner shortly as I am going to receive care from mental health team and move out of house where best mate passed away in a weeks time. So things are looking up. It's just unfortunate I fucked up on peeve last night (so stupidy, stupider than ever on anything, which leads me to think it was such an unlikely event I can give it one last go.... Its just I know to most people that would sound daft, and I guess it does to me too. Nut equally he's not asking I give up drugs, I'm just chatting about how I may well give up drugs totally, if I absolutely have to. Last chance to prove myself with them. And until that huge cock up I was well for a few days. not constant dosing, prioritising real life over drug use etc. I know denial can be huge and I'm not above it. But part of me wants to see if I can carry on using it just in the mornings and eating well. at functional dosages, before that cock up. Which is debatable if its a typical cock up and surely wants one last bash at drugs? If I go back to being 'sensible' like I was before i mistook one baggie for another. ARGH I hear myself talk and it sounds tripe but I also see where I am coming from. Does anyone else? It's ;lie a realise i've been stupid in the past maybe more so than you, I want a chance to take as much as you rather than nothing.

If that chance is worth it. And won't kill me, harm me, or my friendships/moving forward in life with work and mental health etc. I still think I have reached a point recently where my attitude to helping myself and drug use has changed and will continue to. I just want a chance now I see this as last chance...to take drugs at all in my life. And don't have any ultimatums or friends threatening me with anything, so why can't I?

:( Maybe I am kidding myself after last nights accident.
 
Try too much peevee still, now like 8 or 9 hours later. Stimmed to fuck still, with diclazepam a plenty taken. I think I peeved up peevee for meh brain-ie, still at least I'm alive, alive to know how foolish I was, great :/ Also foolishly anxious still when I have to do work :S I may just start drinking and have more diclaz. This is getting annoying. I want to learn a lesson but not feel like I'm learning one :( Also more drugs always solved too many drugs as long as done with respect and positive intent. As long as I don't accidentally down neat ethanol instead of a k-cider I should be fine, no, better and improved even, and shut up a bit. yay, everyone wins!

Whats funny is I didn't just realise I had mixed up the drugs one way, first it was pouring out mxe as mdlv, for 2 days (me and my mum) both in retrospect aware that something was wrong, such as why i had mild visual effects on o-destram and her mild visuals when in neighbours house. Also all the other really fucking obvious signs...such as smell and drip not being of cum and come to think of it a totally different effect profile including her still being hungry after taking some and then falling asleep.

But I was taking too little at the time to notice what I was and wasn't noticing (that coupled with total stupidity and lack of basic thought. Rather not thinking at all and going by not the chemical name but the colour of the powder in the bag, being more important.) Is why my 120mg IM shot of mxe turned out to be fucking peevee. AGggRRhhh.

http://www.mediafire.com/watch/xdnhx08oakj3jm0/idiot.mov Moment I realised what I had taken was in fact 120mg IMed of peeve not mxe. Yes watch again, thats the face of drugs or true regret and realisation of stupidity. Don't do drugs if you are retarded people, its not fun!
 
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I felt okay once I realised what it was I had IMed, which surprisingly took a while at the time. Panicked thinking omg this is a huge sample of unknown unordered drugs, then It made sense finally and I felt hyper and good for a little bit after the shot, but soon changed to panicky sweaty mess mode once the booze wore off and then the diclaz. I knew or thought I'd be fine, so rode it out, but maybe some people wouldn't have been okay? I dunno. I assumed maybe wrongly (but luckily rightly) I would live by remembering I'd heard others take much more but not IMed... also shambes seemed to think or at least acted like it was fine, and I was drunk and not worried at the time. But maybe I should have been? Two stupid mistakes maybe? Hope not. I'll include all that first crap that happened as one huge mistake rather than a series of escalating smaller ones. It makes me sound ever so less stupid.
 
Fucked up dreams last night, during the couple of extra hours I got between waking at 3am and my alarm going off at 5:30.

The first one: I reach to pick a lighter up off my bedroom floor, and discover that the floor is covered in an inch of oily blue liquid. I was still semi-conscious during this dream, so the dread of having to attempt a clean-up operation was still with me when I awoke.

The second one was giving directions to my GP surgery to some woman I've never met before. Prosaic enough, but we were in an environment that was neither person's home nor a public building - just some tiny little lobby with no visble doors, corridors or stairs leading anywhere.

The third one was the weirdest. I was at some intimate gathering, where I happened to be seated next to an aggressively lecherous Sinéad O'Connor. Yes, Sinéad O' fucking Connor. There was another female present who resembled a Bluelighter (and very possibly was), and she was egging Sinéad on, despite my mixture of nervousness and slight reluctance. Anyway, Sinéad O'Connor straddled and started to kiss me, but my mouth was really dry and I couldn't get beyond a little bit of nibbling of the lips. Sinéad had no such problem.

In completely lame fashion, I made my excuses "sorry, it's just my mouth's too dry", and for better or worse (probably better) I don't remember anything beyond that.
 
Fukin 'ell TD 120mg of PV 8o

Glad you're OK, have you still got any, might be best to flush it
 
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Oh, I also had a dream where Allein and kate were having fun at my expense. I knew that was a dream straight off though. I mean, those two would never take the piss out of me.
 
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