Gibberings CLXII - Animal Facts Fun Time

[mydrugbuddy]

Many of my auto pilot settings are very unhelpful. I seem to be gradually becoming better at picking up on them a bit quicker, and not letting them go on for so long and am now re-altering any wrong directions relatively quickly. The boat only needs to be rocked slightly though before i immediately revert to auto pilotedly obtaining more substances until things have calmed sufficiently to be able to dispose of some of them again. There are usually reasons and events and justifications these days, but some kind of auto pilot check mechanism seems to have emerged. I need to be working towards dealing with more of these events and setbacks without constantly relapsing. Sheer boredom and long slow days and a lack of motivation are also major hurdles, but that may become less of a problem the longer i am able to go without relapsing.

Im currently trying to read The Motivated Mind, when i have the motivation to do so, it has some helpful stuff in it. 8)

 

[Septonn]

Good evening EADD, hope all is well.

Is still a good 21 degrees outside so Imma go walk through town a bit!

Saw in the RC thread that dopemaster is a BL Ambassador too, am now a bit curious

 

[Raasyvibe]

Very good.

See - there's yer culprit. 5-HTP. Misguided Yank 'pre-loads' himself into serotonin syndrome. Or experiences a panic attack, tells the doctor what he's been taking and is diagnosed with serotonin syndrome. Probably took somebody's advice from ED, too. 8)

I did ponder this also. Guy goes to hospital saying "Im having a reaction to drugs and especially MDMA"... they tick off a few boxes (High temp, heart rate, anxiety) then hand out a serotonin syndrome certificate.

I'm wondering how much a panic attack and serotonin syndrome coalesce, rather than being considered different conditions. In my case they are both a repercussion of serotonin disruption and have similar symptoms.

Good read on SS here:
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2464814/

very useful, better than the links I digged up. thanks for posting.

Can we get an extra custom title for Shambles that reads 'Storm God'?

I think Stormy (Shambles) should be a drug councillor, or work in a drug rehabilitation centre... something along those lines. He's got the friendly demeanour, the care and understanding... and above all, drug problems is his area of expertise. he's tried, done everything and I think he's suffered every major drug associated mental illness to boot. In illicit drugs and their associated physical and mental problems he's probably a world leader. Could have been an expert in medicine, nutrition, scholarship, history, archaeology but.... he's an expert on putting fucking illegal drugs in your system and going mad from it

My favourite part of that trip report Raas is you saying a prayer and then calling god stupid... lol....

Does sound fuckin awful though, glad ive never had the misfortune of suffering one...

Freakishly, in the report, after the prayer I said:


"i started to walk in circles chanting some stupid words like "i will not resent"...it sounds daft now, and doesn't make much sense..."


Years later I realised what I was saying. It was "I will not repent". At 18 I didn't know what the word repent even meant, but it came out of me. Throw in the premonition dream at the beginning, and the freakishly coincidental TV telling me I died at the end... And it seems clear to me my prayers were at least heard.

But I'm not wanting to digress this for theological discussion as that's not it's intent, I'm genuinely concerned about anxiety. but it's interesting enough to make a point of.

I dreamt that i took heroin for the first time last night. I got pleasantly high in my dream, it's the first time i can recall this happening. I hope i get more dreams like this, its quite pleasant to get high in your dreams. As i have no intention of ever touching the stuff this will probably be the closest i ever get to it.

I dreamt of taking acid (I've never done it) for the first time. Very recently.

Trip started off pretty crap... few light visuals but I was quite in control and a little disappointed with the drug.... then I was walking along and suddenly it became a lot easier to walk... then I was hopping and bounding merrily and moving at some speed..... then I was practically flying it was wonderful.... but I came to the realisation my body was probably on a slump on the floor. next thing I know I could see nothing but hallucinations, I found myself inside a computer game... like space invaders... I was controlling the spaceship with my mind quite easily.

Realised I almost certainly must have been a gibbering mess on the floor outside of the visuals. I managed to regain focus by taking a deep breath and focusing my mind very hard. I repeated this trick several times on the trip, it became a useful method of temporary escape and I noted that I should repeat this if ever I take psychedelics again.

 

[Albion]

My dissertation tutor told me I had fucked my life up today. But first he bought me a sandwich and a cigarette. So swings and roundabouts.

 

[mydrugbuddy]

Well that was nice of him wasnt it.

For what its worth i dont think you can fuck your life up at a young age, there is so much time and opportunity to correct anything that might have gone wrong. You may have fucked something up, or be going through a phase where it seems that you have fucked your life up, but you have the enormous advantage of youth on your side. You can afford to fuck things up, to an extent, in your youth. If you cannot make mistakes when you are young then when can you? Especially if you learn from your mistakes it is best to make them when you are young.

 

[Albion]

Yeah I don't think I've fucked my life up, but it's not nice to be told that by a tutor. I've just compromised my final grade by falling apart for the very last term. I don't really want to be an artist/illustrator anymore and this revelation only truly sunk in once the band split up and I wasn't making art for that anymore. But yeah the whole situation is depressing.

 

[mydrugbuddy]

This could be a temporary 'disenchantment', if in any way possible try to hang on in there as much as possible. In time you may well find that this really is what you really want to do after all, so for that reason try to salvage as much as possible, and not throw it all away, which you may very well come to regret.

 

[Shambles]

That's a bit of an overstatement to say the least, Albi. And especially unsavoury coming from a tutor. You'd think such people would have learnt to be a tad more constructive if they're going to criticise students. You barely have hair on yer balls so fukkin your life up at this stage would be quite the feat. Taking a uni course and deciding somewhere along the line that it maybe isn't quite what you'd hoped for or your interests have changed is hardly unusual. It could be argued it's better to have realised the path you were on is not the one you wish to be on sooner rather than later increases your chances of not fukking your life up. And if you really have lost interest in the art/design side of things then a degree in art/design is gonna be of little use to you in future anyway so all you've done is gain some experience of life and stuff in general and done the student thing coming out the other side still less than sure of quite what is to come next. I'm pretty sure you'll find plenty people in much the same situation even if they aced their course and didn't get doom, gloom, a sarnie and a cig from the tutor. I really wouldn't let it get you down too much. Look to the positives - you've found out you were doing something that wasn't ever going to fulfil you, now you can find something that will.

 

[ColtDan]

^ this

 

[Albion]

Ahhh shit, Shambles, that is a nice spin on things. Thanks.

doom, gloom, a sarnie and a cig

There's a song in there somewhere.

 

[swampdragon]

Aye, what Shambles said.. I got an aaawful grade for my degree and it doesn't make an ounce of difference in the real world. It's really very hard to completely fuck your life up at your age.. don't let a tutor make you lose perspective.

And urgh. I've done an hour of house-packing and I'm knackered and procrastinating already.

 

[Shambles]

How much house is it possible to pack in an hour? Do you start with the chimney and work down or from the front door and work up? Is it some kinda Extreme Origami thing? The mind boggles

 

[swampdragon]

Extreme house origami.

Um. I managed to chuck some clothes and books into carrier bags to send to the charity shop. And then I made a few lists of everything else I need to get rid of. 8)

Eh, I'd best get back to it anyway.

 

[Raasyvibe]

My dissertation tutor told me I had fucked my life up today. But first he bought me a sandwich and a cigarette. So swings and roundabouts.

I'm thinking he may have said it to try and inspire you. Make you wanna prove him wrong, etc. Possibly. If he says "Don't worry, there's plenty of opportunity in life" it let's you think you can be more slack in attitude. Do you see?


For the issue however, I think MDB has said all that needs to be said.

Well that was nice of him wasnt it.

For what its worth i dont think you can fuck your life up at a young age, there is so much time and opportunity to correct anything that might have gone wrong. You may have fucked something up, or be going through a phase where it seems that you have fucked your life up, but you have the enormous advantage of youth on your side.

And look at me. I screwed up Uni, yet have ended up living the high life of drinking gin and posting on here. So don't worry at all.

 

[Raasyvibe]

. It could be argued it's better to have realised the path you were on is not the one you wish to be on sooner rather than later increases your chances of not fukking your life up. And if you really have lost interest in the art/design side of things then a degree in art/design is gonna be of little use to you in future anyway so all you've done is gain some experience of life and stuff in general and done the student thing coming out the other side still less than sure of quite what is to come next.

Gotta disagree with you here.

Get a degree behind you, it duznt matter what subject just get that degree and employers love you. A lot of senior positions and manager training courses are given to graduates only, regardless of subject.

Hes better off getting the degree behind him, whether he wishes to pursue art or not.

 

[Mental Kenny]

Meh I reckon I'm gonna finally give up giving these new dissos chances, last night I swallowed a 200mgs MXP+2-meo-ket capsule expecting at least a little holing, nothing, black out for three hours, came back back, sane as a a rock, went for a piss, not even any problems reaching it, either my tolerance is thjrough the roof, or they truly are worthless.

Won't buy morew for sure, pretty pissed off, that my elders took their rage at finding me me fucked on my little creatures instead of me, the little things were splendid enjoying their early march sun, anyway, I have more guerrilla babies hidden away. Not such a big loss. Just a set back. They were probably going to be males anyway(I'm trying to sweeten the pill here).

The interview yesterday obviously went like shit, so I'm here home, jobless and skint. I reckon a few of you can relate to that.

Need to set up an appointment with some sort of counsellor, meh.

Life is shit these parts.


Reckon, a tea, wee dab of mxp and some kratom should make it more bearable.

Later fellas, have a good day

 

[ColtDan]

Fucking money

 

[mydrugbuddy]

Made an appointment/chased up an employability services worker who hopefully can help me with what im not doing well enough in interviews. Im reading a book on motivation, well im turning over the pages and scanning the words, i have no idea how much of it is actually lodging between my ears, if you asked me to summarise the last chapter i couldnt, but with some memory pointers i think id get the gist. So i think its in my mind somewhere. I dont think i would have chased up the appointment if i wasnt getting some motivation from somehwere.

Learnt about 'goal confilct'. Seems to definately be an issue atm. I have 2 main goals atm; to get a job, and to stay off kratom. Having too much spare time is making it more difficult than it need be to stay off things like Kratom, as it makes the days fly by as opposed to crawling by. Sometimes i use kratom to help me fire off loads of applications or attend interviews when i wouldnt have been up for it atall otherwise. Clear goal conflict. Perhaps i need to put at least 1 month on the calendar kratom free, and then start job hunting without resorting to that stuff. I want to try to get some of my brains natural equilibrium back. It doesnt take long after brief stints on kratom which is all im doing these days.

I dont think Ive ever had my sights set on such clear and simple goals. I can intermittently work towards them, its just that i only need any vague excuse to get more kratom in. I may try playing pool as part of the equation, that is something i am good at and makes me feel good about myself without necessarily needing to take any drugs.

 

[Shambles]

Perhaps i need to put at least 1 month on the calendar kratom free, and then start job hunting without resorting to that stuff. I want to try to get some of my brains natural equilibrium back. It doesnt take long after brief stints on kratom which is all im doing these days.

That would make more sense than trying to do it t'other way around. I'm sure you wouldh't be overly keen on trying to quite kratom whilst just taking on a new job anymore than anybody else would be. Even without severe w/d symptoms there's the lack of energy and motivation to consider - better get that out the way whilst at home with nothing likely to be damaged by spending days lounging about feeling a bit ropey and not having the energy or motivation to scratch yer arse let alone produce whatever it is you'd be expected to produce at work every day.

Really is a double-edged sword having so much free time. On the one hand it should be a perfect opportunity to catch up on things, do new things, address certain habits and behaviours, but in reality it rarely works out that way. It is demoralising and frankly dull sitting around all day knowing that even though you likely do have better things to do there's no real push to be doing them and no obvious immediate reward for doing them either. Quite the opposite usually. In some ways it is easier to tackle things when you simply have no choice in the matter... but chances are such things are gonna mess with a number of things in an employed situation - perhaps even more so when freshly employed and maybe under a bit more scrutiny than usual. If you really do want to achieve both goals I would look to tackling the chemical side first all the same cos it may not be at all easy but it is less likely to be damaging to the other goal than if attempted the other way around.

 

[mydrugbuddy]

cheers for the reply. I'll soon be able to clear my calendar of all events, engagements and responsibilties, these things have tended to provide very convenient excuses for obtaining more kratom. Gradually my energy levels will rise, and I'll be able to do things like practice playing pool for an hour, which gets me out of the house, provides some form of stimulation, satisfaction and even exercise the way i bolt around the table.

I've cheated today and used half a modafinil for my energy and mood boost, after getting so used to the instant fixes of substances it takes more time and effort to try things the other way, like eating and sleeping well, but that's all that's required to be sustained at this point. I know that after 10 days or so without kratom i will naturally start to feel just fine. I've got that far at least 3 times now, perhaps this time i can finally take it all the way and hold out once its all overcome. I keep sabotaging myself after completing the difficult bit, i make myself go through it all again and again. Must be a glutton for punishment or something.