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Getting off dope
- Thread starter jake99
- Start date
Jabberwocky
Frumious Bandersnatch
Providence or some shit. Hooked up with this therapist who happened to be a recovering alcoholic himself, told him what was up (first person to learn I used H in three years since I started), and after I recently went back to it I told him I needed help, whether it be suboxone or whatever (had my reservations about suboxone though, for many reasons). He told me about this place near my mom's house, and that same day I went over to do an intake/assessment. The next day I found myself there, and the rest is, as they say, history. Trust me, I never intended to go to rehab, and, left to my own devices, I never would have. Had to have family and therapist push me in, once they learn I was using. From what I've read from you in the past it would seem like we're in very different situations, given people knowing about our problems for instance, but that doesn't mean you can't find your way, whether it be rehab, NA, whatever.
Jabberwocky
Frumious Bandersnatch
Don't let this stop you. Don't let yourself use it as an excuse not to at least try. You gotta want it bad, a better life that is. You gotta be willing to do ANYTHING. Not saying anything will work, just saying you gotta be willing to do what you have to, to try different things, take risks, put yourself out there, get vulnerable, in order to succeed.
An assessment isn't that big of a deal or that hard to get done ime. Any idea how you'll go about this?
well..............i have an idea...........now i gotta figure out if they do have funding for me , what i am going to tell my roommate and parents..............i could tell my roommate im just gonna be away on vacation but as far as my dad goes he would be super pissed so im not sure what to tell him , and my mother(who is very depressed and lives with my 89 y/o grandmother) doesnt know and i always help them out and get groceries and stuff for them and i really dont wanna have to tell them. i could also tell them im goin away to visit a friend or something but i keep thinkin about the fact that when you go to a detox you usually cant bring your phone with you so they would wonder why i wasnt calling them ...........anyone have any ideas? maybe ill say i lost my phone i dnt know
Jabberwocky
Frumious Bandersnatch
Well, it sounds like you're relationship with your mom is pretty co-dependant, and that with your dad is dysfunctional related to your addiction plus whatever else. That being said, I think, if I were you, it would be healthier to avoid lying to them. Your roommate included. Tell them something vague if you have to tell them anything at all. Like, you got a medical condition that you gotta just go and get treated. That also being said, it's gonna be a bitch to do this without the support of those closest to you.
Who is closest to you in your life right now? Is it just your roommate, mom and dad, or are there others you might be able to lean on, be honest/frank with, etc.
I suggest you don't lie to them because that will just promote/teach you how to lie better to yourself; put your energy into something more productive. Not saying you shouldn't do it PERIOD. Whatever will work for you will work. I just don't suggest it. Neither of us have any absolute right idea as of now, so we gotta use common sense/the wisdom of ages to try and approach it.
Is the issue just funding? This, like the assessment, is easier than you might think. A good place will want to help you, want to see you better, not what's in your (or someone else's) wallet. Or at least it is in CA, and I'd be willing to bet it is likewise/similar wherever you're at in this big wide world.
Who is closest to you in your life right now? Is it just your roommate, mom and dad, or are there others you might be able to lean on, be honest/frank with, etc.
I suggest you don't lie to them because that will just promote/teach you how to lie better to yourself; put your energy into something more productive. Not saying you shouldn't do it PERIOD. Whatever will work for you will work. I just don't suggest it. Neither of us have any absolute right idea as of now, so we gotta use common sense/the wisdom of ages to try and approach it.
Is the issue just funding? This, like the assessment, is easier than you might think. A good place will want to help you, want to see you better, not what's in your (or someone else's) wallet. Or at least it is in CA, and I'd be willing to bet it is likewise/similar wherever you're at in this big wide world.
well yeah you are right the relationshiups with my family are totally messed up . i just know telling my dad would only cause things to get worse between us, telling my mom and grandmom would only hurt them and make them worry about me , and my roommate has told me before she doesnt want anyone who is getting high living there so id have nowhere to go back to ..............(i pay month by month , im paid up for this month already)
anyway i can go on monday and see what happens
anyway i can go on monday and see what happens
Bojangles69
Bluelighter
- Joined
- May 20, 2009
- Messages
- 1,757
Jake considering the fact that you admit your family relationships are fucked up, that likely means even if you were able to tell them, that they would be of no help whatsover in getting you through this.
Also is the fact of what people have mentioned in your other threads, your age & situation. You don't live with your parents anymore, and your more than old enough to have a little something called privacy in life. So why tell them? What would the point be? And HOW would it make a single thing easier as it doesn't even seem you have a communal relationship with any of them?
If your parents ask, tell them you're going skiing for 2 weeks in vermont with friends.
Tell them you're going to an indian reservation or buddhist camp for a few weeks to clear your head and plan for your future.
Tell them you're just going on vacation.. really, there are thousands of legitimate excuses to make.
About the phone, you can make phone calls from detox/rehab. Maybe not from your cell but I'd honestly worry about that later, its such a minor issue. If they ever ask "what number are you calling from?" all you gotta say is "I dropped my phone and think its broke so had to use a payphone".
About your situation. Its not suprising that you've relapsed as most people do. But it is suprising that you are approaching this second "get clean attempt" the same exact way you did last time. I'm honestly shocked that you even mentioned the word "taper" after everything we've been through here.
Really bro, you've talked about tapering a million times and it never led to anything, so it confuses the shit out of me just to imagine WHY that thought would be circling your head once again.
Other things that are odd about this.
Last time you made excuse after excuse about hypothetical situations/reasons why you couldn't detox. Over and over and over you found a reason to validate everything you convinced yourself you couldn't do. You basically just did circles for 2 years talking about how you wanted to stop but couldn't, so you could stop.... relapse.... then go back to running in circles.
Its not the relapse that confuses me like I said. Its the fact of how easily you resumed getting back to your "circles".
So lets put it this way. For every excuse you're making now, that you already made before, that in the end wound up meaning nothing... explain to me WHY those excuses mean something now?
Like your rationale of not being able to get clean because of your parents.
You said that about 5 million times in your last thread which I presume now was just to delay getting off drugs in the first place. And I presume that because in the end you went to detox, and how did your parents stop you from getting clean then? They didn't. So seriously, what the hell is the difference now bro? WHY do you keep bringing your parents up?
The answer is same as last time. Can you not just do what you did then?
Heres another random thought for yah. This time that you just got off opiates, afterwards you sounded perfectly fine. You never talked about paws, you never talked about or made it seem like you were suffering (sometimes I question how long you were actually clean for due to this). I even asked you multiple times how you felt after that, and it was never "I'm doing fucking terrible and want to kill myself". It was more like "ah well I guess I'm ok but I don't feel like I use to". It sounded very casual and detached like it wasn't that big a deal.
When I stopped using pods I was on here bitching/complaining/cursing losing my mind everyday I was off them. I was suffering pretty severely which then led to a relapse.
What worries me about your situation of course, is that you seem to have went back to drugs this last time not due to pain, but merely due to boredom. Was that the reason why? After everything you went through?
I can understand throwing your sobriety away that soon if you're on the brink of disaster, but I'm still not clear what you threw it away for. I also never saw you write one time how many days you had clean. And let me clarify this post I'm not attacking you because this IS one of those posts I know you don't like. But I am definitely challenging you and honestly find some of this shit ironic. Every single person I've seen come to this forum right after getting clean, you will see them write almost everyday they post "today I have x days clean". I think I waited a week before I asked you and even then never got a straight answer. It sounded like you had already relapsed at that point and your answer was so unclear that I don't even remember now what it was. I'd really like to know how many days you had last time? Not that the actual # means anything but if you're trying to hide it I'd say that definitely means something. We're all drug addicts here, you hide that type of stuff from nonaddicts. And like I always say if I'm wrong I'm wrong, I'm not accussing you of anything I'm merely trying to fill in gaps here.
After all of this what I can say impresses me the most is how fast you came back to the getting sober topic. I know when I relapsed I dissappeared for months and could not bring my brain back to the getting clean state of mind. But another part of me thinks that was a result of how hard I actually tried to get clean in the first place. I had tried so hard there wasn't a whole lot of room for improving my strategy. So maybe a weak past attempt/strategy is your reason for wanting it again so soon?
And if thats the case my last question would be what do you plan on doing better this time? After the "excuses" all end, and you're back in detox, and then that one day comes and you walk out clean.... whats Jake going to do? Thats why my official answer for you here is not that detox is the solution, but you really need some type of long term rehab. Maybe 2 months, maybe 3, you just need time in a structured environment that walks/talks/breathes sobriety. .
Also is the fact of what people have mentioned in your other threads, your age & situation. You don't live with your parents anymore, and your more than old enough to have a little something called privacy in life. So why tell them? What would the point be? And HOW would it make a single thing easier as it doesn't even seem you have a communal relationship with any of them?
If your parents ask, tell them you're going skiing for 2 weeks in vermont with friends.
Tell them you're going to an indian reservation or buddhist camp for a few weeks to clear your head and plan for your future.
Tell them you're just going on vacation.. really, there are thousands of legitimate excuses to make.
About the phone, you can make phone calls from detox/rehab. Maybe not from your cell but I'd honestly worry about that later, its such a minor issue. If they ever ask "what number are you calling from?" all you gotta say is "I dropped my phone and think its broke so had to use a payphone".
About your situation. Its not suprising that you've relapsed as most people do. But it is suprising that you are approaching this second "get clean attempt" the same exact way you did last time. I'm honestly shocked that you even mentioned the word "taper" after everything we've been through here.
Really bro, you've talked about tapering a million times and it never led to anything, so it confuses the shit out of me just to imagine WHY that thought would be circling your head once again.
Other things that are odd about this.
Last time you made excuse after excuse about hypothetical situations/reasons why you couldn't detox. Over and over and over you found a reason to validate everything you convinced yourself you couldn't do. You basically just did circles for 2 years talking about how you wanted to stop but couldn't, so you could stop.... relapse.... then go back to running in circles.
Its not the relapse that confuses me like I said. Its the fact of how easily you resumed getting back to your "circles".
So lets put it this way. For every excuse you're making now, that you already made before, that in the end wound up meaning nothing... explain to me WHY those excuses mean something now?
Like your rationale of not being able to get clean because of your parents.
You said that about 5 million times in your last thread which I presume now was just to delay getting off drugs in the first place. And I presume that because in the end you went to detox, and how did your parents stop you from getting clean then? They didn't. So seriously, what the hell is the difference now bro? WHY do you keep bringing your parents up?
The answer is same as last time. Can you not just do what you did then?
Heres another random thought for yah. This time that you just got off opiates, afterwards you sounded perfectly fine. You never talked about paws, you never talked about or made it seem like you were suffering (sometimes I question how long you were actually clean for due to this). I even asked you multiple times how you felt after that, and it was never "I'm doing fucking terrible and want to kill myself". It was more like "ah well I guess I'm ok but I don't feel like I use to". It sounded very casual and detached like it wasn't that big a deal.
When I stopped using pods I was on here bitching/complaining/cursing losing my mind everyday I was off them. I was suffering pretty severely which then led to a relapse.
What worries me about your situation of course, is that you seem to have went back to drugs this last time not due to pain, but merely due to boredom. Was that the reason why? After everything you went through?
I can understand throwing your sobriety away that soon if you're on the brink of disaster, but I'm still not clear what you threw it away for. I also never saw you write one time how many days you had clean. And let me clarify this post I'm not attacking you because this IS one of those posts I know you don't like. But I am definitely challenging you and honestly find some of this shit ironic. Every single person I've seen come to this forum right after getting clean, you will see them write almost everyday they post "today I have x days clean". I think I waited a week before I asked you and even then never got a straight answer. It sounded like you had already relapsed at that point and your answer was so unclear that I don't even remember now what it was. I'd really like to know how many days you had last time? Not that the actual # means anything but if you're trying to hide it I'd say that definitely means something. We're all drug addicts here, you hide that type of stuff from nonaddicts. And like I always say if I'm wrong I'm wrong, I'm not accussing you of anything I'm merely trying to fill in gaps here.
After all of this what I can say impresses me the most is how fast you came back to the getting sober topic. I know when I relapsed I dissappeared for months and could not bring my brain back to the getting clean state of mind. But another part of me thinks that was a result of how hard I actually tried to get clean in the first place. I had tried so hard there wasn't a whole lot of room for improving my strategy. So maybe a weak past attempt/strategy is your reason for wanting it again so soon?
And if thats the case my last question would be what do you plan on doing better this time? After the "excuses" all end, and you're back in detox, and then that one day comes and you walk out clean.... whats Jake going to do? Thats why my official answer for you here is not that detox is the solution, but you really need some type of long term rehab. Maybe 2 months, maybe 3, you just need time in a structured environment that walks/talks/breathes sobriety. .
Jabberwocky
Frumious Bandersnatch
Yea, no sense in telling them right now if it's just going to cause harm (all around it sounds like).
On a more important note, definitely go Monday. Fucking do it brother! Any way you can go sooner? I just ask cause it's so easy to put something off for one day, then that one day becomes two, that becomes a week, so on and so forth. The minds of folks like us (i.e. dope fiends) are real great at lying to ourselves (hopefully you get what I mean here).
Regardless, this is going to be easier than you think. You just gotta DO IT! Otherwise, of course, nothings gonna change and things, shitty as they are, are just gonna stay the same. And you want personal change, right?! If they have any sense about them, they will work with you because, unless they are purely heartless bastards, they WANT you to get better too (if they're good, they'll want it even more than you seem to right now, or at least, especially given their knowledge and resources they'll be better able to provide it for you than you can/could for yourself).
Aww shit, I can see you beat me to this Bo. I just have to post anyways so I can hit 50 and get BL'er status :D
Bo, you a friend of Bill W?
damn, so much for hitting 50 and becoming a BL'er...
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hey guys if i dont get in monday somewhere (they said come monday morning at 8 to see about funding) then only other option is the cold turkey place or find a way to do it myself , Bo i agree with u and will reply more later to what u said .....................
i dont think you are supposed to from what ive read.................thats why i would save the tramadol for after the methadone was done (although the methadone would still be in my system due to half life) but maybe im better off with suboxone but last time i tried it i felt worse than i did with methadone...............
Someone tell me what the hell is going on ? I think abuot getting off dope all day while i am high ......................im so confused...............i think im just too scared of withdrawals or i still have reservations about being clean or something . I cant even figure it out. Every time i think im sick and tired of being sick and tired but maybe i need to just blow the rest of my money and take the methadone , suboxone , etc and then ill have no other options and force myself to go get help . But why do that and take chance of getting locked up in meantime..........? Why not just go get help now ? Why do i worry about what im gonna tell my family when i dont have to tell them anything and im only gonna hurt them in the end by continuing to screw up ................ahhhhhhhhhhhh the insanity of opiates .......what a biutch .............
iN RESPONSE TO bO'S POST
You don't live with your parents anymore, and your more than old enough to have a little something called privacy in life. So why tell them? What would the point be? And HOW would it make a single thing easier as it doesn't even seem you have a communal relationship with any of them?
You are right Bo ..............I think I just would have to bite the bullet , go get help and deal with that part later........................
For every excuse you're making now, that you already made before, that in the end wound up meaning nothing... explain to me WHY those excuses mean something now?
They dont mean nothin,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,its just justifications i tell myself to keep using
What worries me about your situation of course, is that you seem to have went back to drugs this last time not due to pain, but merely due to boredom. Was that the reason why? After everything you went through?
Bo it was due to pain and boredom..........................and just never gettin over the sickness and not manning up and just sayin f it and using
So maybe a weak past attempt/strategy is your reason for wanting it again so soon?
I have been trying in some form to quit for last 2 yrs or so whether it be methadone Subs or meetings...............so ive always "wanted " to be clean , just never said to myself "im gonna just suffer the pain of w/d and get it over with " I always tried to find a way to make it easier . I remember when i was on subs , down to like 2 mg, i went to florida for about 4 night , and had no more sub , so i was basically in w/d the whoole time , soon as i got back to philly airport, i got my car , and went to cop..............i shouldve said "man i got thru 4 days " i dont need to cop but i couldnt take the pain , and with subs that was probably when worst of it was starting
And if thats the case my last question would be what do you plan on doing better this time? After the "excuses" all end, and you're back in detox, and then that one day comes and you walk out clean.... whats Jake going to do?
Another good question bo , that is why im thinkin abuot goin to this place in philly where you can stay a few months , then get a job , apartment etc ...............and they help you out ..........only rough part if u gotta sleep on plywood and kick cold trky in the beginning ,they want u to remember the pain ....................
So i can wait until monday and see what county funding has to offer, i can go to that place, or i can try on my own Lol with the subs /meth i got...............
or just give up and keep copping D ...................
iN RESPONSE TO bO'S POST
You don't live with your parents anymore, and your more than old enough to have a little something called privacy in life. So why tell them? What would the point be? And HOW would it make a single thing easier as it doesn't even seem you have a communal relationship with any of them?
You are right Bo ..............I think I just would have to bite the bullet , go get help and deal with that part later........................
For every excuse you're making now, that you already made before, that in the end wound up meaning nothing... explain to me WHY those excuses mean something now?
They dont mean nothin,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,its just justifications i tell myself to keep using
What worries me about your situation of course, is that you seem to have went back to drugs this last time not due to pain, but merely due to boredom. Was that the reason why? After everything you went through?
Bo it was due to pain and boredom..........................and just never gettin over the sickness and not manning up and just sayin f it and using
So maybe a weak past attempt/strategy is your reason for wanting it again so soon?
I have been trying in some form to quit for last 2 yrs or so whether it be methadone Subs or meetings...............so ive always "wanted " to be clean , just never said to myself "im gonna just suffer the pain of w/d and get it over with " I always tried to find a way to make it easier . I remember when i was on subs , down to like 2 mg, i went to florida for about 4 night , and had no more sub , so i was basically in w/d the whoole time , soon as i got back to philly airport, i got my car , and went to cop..............i shouldve said "man i got thru 4 days " i dont need to cop but i couldnt take the pain , and with subs that was probably when worst of it was starting
And if thats the case my last question would be what do you plan on doing better this time? After the "excuses" all end, and you're back in detox, and then that one day comes and you walk out clean.... whats Jake going to do?
Another good question bo , that is why im thinkin abuot goin to this place in philly where you can stay a few months , then get a job , apartment etc ...............and they help you out ..........only rough part if u gotta sleep on plywood and kick cold trky in the beginning ,they want u to remember the pain ....................
So i can wait until monday and see what county funding has to offer, i can go to that place, or i can try on my own Lol with the subs /meth i got...............
or just give up and keep copping D ...................
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Jabberwocky
Frumious Bandersnatch
I remember feeling the same way as you described in the post above the one immediately above this (haha, if that makes sense). All I wanted was to stop using, this while I was high as fuck, and but at the same time, deep down inside, possibly subconsciously, I was so, so scared of making such a big change in my life. Dope had thus become my warm blanket, my coping mechanism. Couldn't really imagine life without it.
You just gotta get a plan and put one foot after the other and do it. Don't over think. Don't rationalize your continued use. Just give up, accept defeat, and do it. Truly accepting defeat isn't copping by continuing to use, but coming to the understanding that you're nothing more than a hopeless case if you continue to use.
You can't force yourself to come to this point though. Generally, something real shitty, to put it mildly, has to happen, propelling you into doing WHATEVER you have to, everything and ANYTHING, in order to get help (help as in support from others, and realizing that if you continue trying to control things yourself you will fail).
In this regard you still might need to experience some more fucked up shit, even more fucked up than the stuff you've already suffered through, for you to come to these sort of realizations about your use, life and future.
Sorry, I don't mean to come off as preachy. Best of luck Jake and much love! Didn't get a chance to really read your response to Bo, but I will when I get the chance later tonight/this morning.
You just gotta get a plan and put one foot after the other and do it. Don't over think. Don't rationalize your continued use. Just give up, accept defeat, and do it. Truly accepting defeat isn't copping by continuing to use, but coming to the understanding that you're nothing more than a hopeless case if you continue to use.
You can't force yourself to come to this point though. Generally, something real shitty, to put it mildly, has to happen, propelling you into doing WHATEVER you have to, everything and ANYTHING, in order to get help (help as in support from others, and realizing that if you continue trying to control things yourself you will fail).
In this regard you still might need to experience some more fucked up shit, even more fucked up than the stuff you've already suffered through, for you to come to these sort of realizations about your use, life and future.
Sorry, I don't mean to come off as preachy. Best of luck Jake and much love! Didn't get a chance to really read your response to Bo, but I will when I get the chance later tonight/this morning.
thanks man , it sucks because i could be real high and tell myself "oh i still got money i can use more for awhile and quit later" and really convince myself, then wake up sick next morning like "damn how did i get myself into this mess again ' and that weight of hiding it from everyone feels like such a heavy load to carry sometimes.............(of course when your high its "screw everyone theyre all nuts lol)
Jabberwocky
Frumious Bandersnatch
Brother, I couldn't have put it better. Went through exactly that everyday for three long years. An addict's thoughts literally lie to the addict. It's sad but true. What a fricken roller coaster ride....
hell yeah man ...............so confusing , i mean actually simple but in my head its not , because as soon as i think abuot doin right thing and goin to detox, i start thinkin of 99 reasons why there is no reason to ............and that im wasting my time and ill wanna use when i get out anyway ..............for some reason i think it would be easier to go if i have no money left and ways or means to get any more highs............just knowing that i still can get more makes it seem impossible to say im not going to and im gonna get help. insane ? yeah ....................how i feel , unfortunatly ...
Lets see how do I say this nice.... hmmmmm.. first off I love you Jake and ive been where your at a million times...
But when are you gonna take someones advice??? Youve got a million excuses, stop with the excuses and come to the realazation that your a junkie, and if you dont stop your gonna end up dead or in prision for the rest of your life. I say this to you in love brother.
What is step one in the na program???
Have you come to the conclusion that you are powerless?? truely powerless??
You getting to old for this shit man. I realized one day that it was time for me to grow up... think about it bro
But when are you gonna take someones advice??? Youve got a million excuses, stop with the excuses and come to the realazation that your a junkie, and if you dont stop your gonna end up dead or in prision for the rest of your life. I say this to you in love brother.
What is step one in the na program???
Have you come to the conclusion that you are powerless?? truely powerless??
You getting to old for this shit man. I realized one day that it was time for me to grow up... think about it bro
djnj
Greenlighter
Hey Jake
I posted to you on the other board too...I really hope you got in to that place you were talking about...
I posted to you on the other board too...I really hope you got in to that place you were talking about...