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Getting clean for someone else...

I

infectedmushroom

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 14, 2007
Messages
1,371
Location
the bridge, OZ land
Namely, my parents. I'm 21, I've been using codeine and pst daily for the past five months. They want me to stop, but I don't want to stop, and I don't know what to do.

I respect the fact that I'm living under their roof, not my own. Still, I can't help but wonder whether or not trying to quit because of the threat of their anger and disappointment is enough. Honestly, I don't feel guilty, angry, or disappointed with myself because of my use (maybe just not yet.)

What's going to happen in a week, when I feel bored, and the thought overwhelms me; "Fuck them! I want to get high! They won't stop me! I never really wanted to quit in the first place!"

Right now I'm nearly 72 hours in "withdrawals." They've been almost negligible due to the aid of loperamide and valium. So I'm torn right now. Am i just being a spoiled brat, or is my guess that getting clean for other peoples sake just won't work?

I'm going to try stay clean as long as I can; I'm almost %100 sure I'll convince myself to get high again sooner or later. Maybe in the interim period I'll find enough reason to stay sober; or at least use much more sparingly, as I did successfully for many years before this dependance took hold. I much preferred the infrequent use, it was more balanced and overall just better...


Anyway thanks for reading; I really just need a space to express what I'm going through.

Much love <3
 
For me personally, I had to want to get clean myself in order to stop. The many times I tried to get clean for the sake of friends and family always, eventually, ended up with me talking myself into getting high when I was bored or just feeling overwhelmed. I did find though that when I decided to quit for me, that thinking about how much less my parents and siblings would be worrying helped motivate me when things were their hardest. You just have to find a reason to want to quit. After 4 or so years of doing suboxone and occasionally mixing them with kolonopin I decided to quit for myself when a dear friend of mine overdosed and passed away. I guess what I'm trying to say is, don't wait for something terrible and tragic to happen to decide to quit.
 
Thanks for your reply...it's definitely got me thinking about a few things.

At this point I can't find enough reasons to quit, and that's really the problem.

Nor can I foresee some terrible, tragic event being the catalyst to my quitting. It just seems so unlikely. None of my friends use "hard" drugs - and I don't see myself overdosing on codeine anytime soon, I have to much experience and knowledge with it to overdose on it just by itself. Of course, one can never foresee the future and the tragic events which may or may not occur.
 
infectedmushroom said:
Thanks for your reply...it's definitely got me thinking about a few things.

At this point I can't find enough reasons to quit, and that's really the problem.

Nor can I foresee some terrible, tragic event being the catalyst to my quitting. It just seems so unlikely. None of my friends use "hard" drugs - and I don't see myself overdosing on codeine anytime soon, I have to much experience and knowledge with it to overdose on it just by itself. Of course, one can never foresee the future and the tragic events which may or may not occur.
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I don't think you'll overdoes either, It's okay to not be ready to quit. Like I said, it took me 4 or so years of quitting and relapsing to finally figure out why I wanted to quit for myself. These things take time and if it's only been five months I can understand why you might not want to quit, the fact that you're thinking about it and trying to find reasons to quit is an excellent first step. I can honestly say that if someone told me I should quit opiates in my first five months of abusing them I would have told them to go straight to hell. :P
 
I've been an alcoholic for 10 years and I've tried to quit SO many times but my heart just hasn't been in it. It really had to get to the point where I truly wanted to quit for ME, and solely for my benefit. If I can't be sober and healthy and happy, then I have nothing to offer anyone else so, what's the point of anything??

infectedmushroom, if you're not willing to be sober, you will need to accept the consequences. You're still living in your parents house and you need to be prepared for them to say you can't live there anymore, if you're not going to stay clean.

Having said that though, I was addicted to codeine for 16 months and I got clean. I don't even crave it or miss it at all. So it IS very achievable. You ask "what do I do when I get bored?", well, think about some activities you can do during those times, so that you don't feel bored and want to use. You need to weigh up the costs/benefits of using drugs. There's so much more to life than this <3
 
You're right - I must be willing to accept the consequences...or, I could just be extra cautious and hide it as best I can. As long as they don't think I'm using everyday and am dependant, they aren't going to kick me out. I KNOW it is deceptive, but tbh; it doesn't bother me. What they don't know can't hurt em, right? And even if they found me out, Id just have to make sure it was long enough after this latest incident convince them I was back to using infrequently and responsibly.

Again, deceptive as hell. Classic addict behaviour. But thats part of who I am. I just don't think I'm ready to quit...You've got me thinking about writing up a cost benefit analysis of sorts...I think I'll do one now :)
 
The cost benefit analysis is a good idea, but I think sharing it with us after you've written it would be an even better idea. It's easy for an addict to mis weigh the costs/benefits of using, in favor of using. Having some third party perspective will keep it honest.

Also, you're right in thinking that getting clean won't work until you want it for yourself. It's unfortunate, but every time I tried getting clean for other people I always relapsed pretty quickly. This last time, I truly wanted it for myself and I've made it 5 1/2 + months so far. I really wish I had found the reasons to do it for myself years ago, however. I wish I could have avoided the years of misery and going nowhere in life. I felt the same way as you when I was a new user/abuser. I couldn't foresee the plethora of negative consequences and the progression into hardcore addiction that was sure to come, and is basically sure to come with you as well if you don't stop.
 
I had always tried to get clean for someone else, but it rarely ever works. Getting clean, especially off something that's gonna give u wd, has to be 90% internal IMO. It's such a dedicated process that if you don't need it for yourself, you'll find yourself sneaking a hit whenever that other person isn't around to catch you. it's only when your responsible to yourself will that make a difference. When no one else but you hates you for your relapse. No one forced us to use so no ones gonna be able to force us to stay clean

I feel the only time getting clean for someone else can work is when it's your child.
 
Thanks for your advice and thoughts guys. I would write up an analysis right now, or even soon, but things have become increasingly stressful in my household right now. My dad was admitted to the emergency room last night. I stayed overnight in ICU listening to him whimper and moan in pain as they did tests whilst psychotic ice junkies came in screaming and crying.

I'm exhausted. Four weeks ago, my sister went into ICU for a couple nights with an infection. Three weeks ago, mum was diagnosed with breast cancer. Now my dad has slipped disks in his back and golden staph, which will require him to stay in hospital for the next week atleast and be bedridden for a month.

This afternoon, I had a moment where I "knew" I was going to get high. I was at a friends and rushed home only to find my mum and sister at home as well, which put me off for some reason. I'm lying here, tired, and stressed, but...somehow...I don't feel like getting high that much. I think it just won't help anything. But that other voice says, "escape."

This is a test of will I don't know if I can overcome right now.
 
I can really empathise with what you're going through right now infectedmushroom. My brother just had a huge brain tumour removed last week and it's been really stressful for our family. Family is everything, and at times like this I think it pulls you all closer together. Maybe you don't feel like getting high because a) you know it won't fix anything, and b) you don't want to disappoint your dad?? Getting high when your loved ones are suffering makes you feel even more guilty.

Stay clean tonight. Go see your dad tomorrow morning. I hope he's okay and that he heals quickly <3
 
I'm sorry to hear that neo, I hope he recovers soon. And I know you're right. I should stay clean tonight. Im going to see him tomorrow regardless. it's just...fuck... I'm only a couple days into quitting and now the mental discomfort is really setting in. It's totally being compounded by all the things going on.

It's so hard to convince myself to not use...like, why now, I wonder? The timing is terrible. Why not try quit when things settle down a bit more?

I sense strongly in my intuition I'm going to use again sometime soon because of all this crap so I can't help but wonder what use is there in delaying it?
 
Well it sounds like your minds made up and I can't say I blame you. I'd probably do the same thing if everybody in my family have been not well health wise. It's hard to find positive coping skills in situations like that at least for me it is.
 
codeine won't last forever. Eventually it won't get you high enough anymore, and once that happens, your mental state will be skewed enough that making the jump to more potent opiates won't seem like such a big deal. Not to mention countless lives have been ruined from codeine alone.

It's good that you're jumping between wanting and not wanting to use, it means your "true self" doesn't want to continue active addiction. It's hard, because the addict portion of your brain is telling you to get high - But this is because drugs have hijacked natural functions in the brain to make it think it needs them in order to survive. You never felt this way before abusing drugs, did you? exactly.

Just remember that no matter what's going on in your life, no matter what the tragedy, the hardship, the terrible predicament you may be in, there is NEVER, EVER, NO MATTER WHAT, EVER going to be a situation so bad that using drugs to get high won't make it worse.
 
You're right about everything except that thankfully, I have zero access to anything stronger. I live in Australia in a city where I can buy it OTC at a very cheap price, so i justify it as being a smart(er) habit than most others. Yet I know you're right, somehow. My true self does.
 
I'm really sorry to hear you and your family is struggling like this. <3<3<3 You've definitely got my sympathies and heart in the matter.

You can do this. I'm on the same path, just having decided to put down heroin and walk the fuck away, and on the side there is a looming meth off/on use in my life now that hasn't spiraled into addiction yet but I know is a slippery slope.

I do think you need a personal way to unwind, some kind of mini vacation to get away and have some sober alone time to reflect if you aren't getting that enough, what with all the family things going on in your life right now. Honestly this is good advice for me as well. Having some time to myself, to just be and clear my head always works wonders for me.

But in my heart there is a brightness just knowing deep, deep down that quitting heroin will help me immensely and it is going to lead to so much more tangible happiness, or even happiness in general! I can just see right through the stuff.......its all a big heroin illusion, I'm sure this can be extended to all opiates. At least for me heroin doesn't work like it used to, it only makes me less happy with each use. ;)
 
Yeah, you really need something to DO infectedmushroom. The more you sit around thinking about how much you want to use codeine, the more you'll convince yourself to do it. You need to occupy your mind and your time so that you can move on from the cravings.
 
n3ophy7e said:
Yeah, you really need something to DO infectedmushroom. The more you sit around thinking about how much you want to use codeine, the more you'll convince yourself to do it. You need to occupy your mind and your time so that you can move on from the cravings.
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quote
 
The night I made this thread I caved and got high. The next day though, I woke up with a terrible opi hangover. Was super nauseas and out of it. Lay around for a couple hours trying to fight the feeling but eventually got up and threw up violently, then felt better for a little, but a couple hours later was bed bound with a fever.

I still have a temperature, and don't know which symptoms are wds related (if any) and which are the sicknes...needless to say I'm quite miserble right now. Legs ache, can't get comfy, etc.

This sucks but once I get better im going to try my hardest not to use. I'm starting to feel pretty despondent and down now so I think getting away somewhere somehow is a good idea
 
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