• HEALTH & RECOVERY
    Welcome Guest
    Posting Rules Bluelight Rules Thread Directory 1 Thread Directory 2
    Mindfulness Links Addiction & Mind
    Sober Living Partner Program (SLiPP)
  • H&R Moderators: streaM Freak

Getting clean for someone else...

After the 10-day-clean run in mid November, I relapsed on the 10th day and have fallen back into bad habits over the past 5 weeks. My desire to shake the dependence isn't dead though -I've been tapering over the past four days, starting by cutting my dose in half. Something in me definitely wants this over with. In a way i feel incredibly lucky to feel this way so early into the addiction - its been six months, the honeymoon is now over, the negative effects are definitely starting to outweigh the positives.

Thank you all for the replies...It feels wonderful knowing people out there care and want to help me (and each other!) <3
 
A quick update on where I'm at.

A few weeks ago I kicked my physical dependence to codeine and PST. I haven't been entirely clean since detox. I've been using PST and codeine once or twice a week. I am free of the physical dependence, but not the mental. Once a week I want the feeling, so I use.

I am aware of the danger posed by this pattern. Before long it's possible, but not garuanteed, that I'll relapse into daily use and build a physical dependence again.

Here's why I don't think it's likely. When I used frequently, I was bored, broke, and worst of all, lonely. The loneliness was making me sad even when high, it was breaking through the glow. I had turned my back on relationships. No one called me anymore. I didn't call anyone. When I first started using, being alone is what I wanted. With tolerance and an empty bank account, I realised I'd ridden the horse as far as I could go. Now I wasn't actually riding just being dragged behind in the dust.

I do not want to return to that point. I had fun, no doubt. A good five months (the first five) of the habit were awesome, then the tables turned.

I'm bored of these drugs. I'm bored of the lifestyle and consequences. I feel I've gone far enough "down" to know what will happen if I pick up a regular habit again. I used opiates recreationally for years, safely and successfully, before this last year - I'm trying to return to that.

I'm happier, healthier, more sociable, more clear headed, have some (all though not much) money, my friends call me and I want to see them...things are better.

It's under my control to make the decision to keep it this way.
 
Last edited:
Well, good luck to you, but my experience tells me that in all likelihood you'll be back here asking for help with getting clean again. I hope not though.

You haven't really had any negative consequences, hence why you're still happy in using. Hopefully it will stay that way, but not many people get a physcial addiction to opiates, get clean, and are able to go back to successful recreational use.

Good luck.

:)
 
I think being broke, friendless and miserable are pretty clear negatives in my mind.

I know what you mean and I thank you for the advice but I can't know if I'm an exception to the rule unless I try. That might sound ignorant and arrogant but I know if I were using stronger opiates like oxy for example there could be no way to use recreationally.

Codeine on the other hand has always been a tameable beast in my eyes. Sure, I might fall flat on my face or maybe it'll work out...as of right now I feel like I have control.

Peace
 
They're clear negatives, none of them particularly serious though in that they're all easy to fix if you change your behaviours. They clearly can't be that serious if using the drug still seems like a good idea, I would class serious as when using the drug can no longer blot out the negative impact of one's consequences. The severity of each person's personal consequences is irrelevant though really, it's a personal thing.

Clearly you're happy doing a bit more research so I just wish you luck and hope it works out for you and that you can change your negative issues for the better. Some people can make it work.

:)
 
PST is some insidious shit. Fairly recently, I walked into a grocery store and noticed some poppy seeds there on reduced clearance (in huge containers). I stupidly purchased some, was using coke within days, basically bought out the entire stock, ended up getting ahold of a bunch of pharmies and just had a massive fucking binge that has landed my ass straight back into AA/NA. I am 31 years old, I used poppy pods and PST in the past. My first opiate was codeine. I have been struggling with the shit off an on for about a little more then a decade. My experience has been straight up hell (my personal hell at least). I never intended to become a poly-substance addict but it happened and now its something I have to deal with. Both sides of my family are full of addicts and alcoholics, seriously its almost unreal. I still used.

You are going to do what you are going to do. Please realize that your brain is still forming and using right now, especially things like opiates (even Codeine) is really setting yourself up for future problems. I pray you do not make the same mistakes I made. It has also been my experience that addicts often stop "growing" when they start using. In some ways I still very much act like a 15 year old (when I really started using) even though I am almost 31.

Thats really all I can say. Looking back on it, I was addicted from my first pill. I get addicted to almost anything abusable. Thats who I am. My family is disappointed in me but not angry. That doesn't change the fact that my usage has caused tremendous pain to myself and my family. Anyways, best of luck man. As for getting clean, "others" can be a major motivator but isn't enough for me. My families support is one of the most critical reasons I am really trying hard to stop. They do not want me coming around them if I am in active addiction and the sober me doesn't blame them for that.

Oh yeah, my usage had me so non-functional that I basically could not afford my own place until I was 28. I still had to move back for a few months before moving out. What did I do when I moved out? I fucking spent all my money on drugs and alcohol. Thankfully, I am okay now (sorta) when it comes to fiscal shit but I am broke as fuck and it sucks. However, I don't want to have a ton of money in case it entices me to use.

Only you know if you are an addict and that is hard to admit. But your usage apparently is already starting to cause tension.

EDIT for those of you at home due to finances, thats totally understandable. In fact, I think its something like 1 in 3 Americans from 18-31 still live at home because of money/recession. But I could have moved out and had a life long ago, I don't because I decided to isolate and use instead. I have friends but even they do not try to get ahold of me when I am "in the wind" anymore. They know its useless. Only one or two know what is really going on, the others likely think "fucking phactor is on another run again". Eventually I will let them know I am okay, but I cannot right now.
 
Last edited:
omen_owen mk2 said:
You haven't really had any negative consequences, hence why you're still happy in using. Hopefully it will stay that way, but not many people get a physcial addiction to opiates, get clean, and are able to go back to successful recreational use.
Click to expand...

I personally cannot think of a single individual who has been able to use opiates recreationally after being hooked, alcohol and weed very rarely but sometimes... opiates never. I likely lost the ability to control them the second or third time I took them. I still very very clearly remember my first opiate (which was codeine actually).

I am sure someone has done it, but the odds it is you is slim to none. Just being honest.
 
phactor said:
I personally cannot think of a single individual who has been able to use opiates recreationally after being hooked, alcohol and weed very rarely but sometimes... opiates never. I likely lost the ability to control them the second or third time I took them. I still very very clearly remember my first opiate (which was codeine actually).

I am sure someone has done it, but the odds it is you is slim to none. Just being honest.
Click to expand...

Hey Now phactor! Yeah, I feel you... You know, sometimes people get into what's known as "cycles" of use. I was one of those. And yet after being married for over ten years, with a house, a dog, and a cat PLUS the welcoming of our new grandson into this world; I STILL DONT KNOW WHAT THE FUCK TRIGGERED MINE...lol... Sure, I know my own boredom at times induced serious cravings (but those "down" moments or that one week where I was bored all day - didn't show up on a specific day, time, nor season); or say having an incredible month (where every light is green near every time you go to the supermarket or work, your wife of 8 or 10 years WANTS to have sex - like consistently...lol, your boss @ work cant get enough of you cause your just kicking so much ass, shit...you hit the lotto...whatever); and for some unknown reason... YOU PICK UP YOUR ANCIENT HABIT (insert drug of choice here) ...just comes on outta the blue...and BAM - you've just blown your sobriety, and possibly got pinched by LE, or your lovin' wife has just thrown your ass out on your lawn, and maybe you lose that bad-ass job you got. I guess my response is that on those occasions, when you blow your shit out of the water w a relapse... lets say you go on a binger for 2 days. You then pull head outta ass, and (if you didnt get nabbed by the boys in blue this time around) you make the apologies all the way around (wife, boss, kids)... you then stare @ yourself in the mirror a bit more than usual for the next week or so... if your in meetings, you have the horrible moment of telling your table & your sponsor that you just fucked up... Lets say all those things happen; if you were to pull that shit say 3-5X's per year - couldn;t one make the claim that the "hypothetical" person in my lame little diatribe is in fact a "recreational" user? If everybody forgives his/her relapse and no serious consequences are had ?? You stated that you have never known anyone as a recreational only user w/ regards to opiates... well, I have a feeling if you were to look at the facts of short-term relapses for opiates; nearly everyone could be determined as a "recreational" user... See, Im SO happy this site has been around all these years. On a bored night, with nuthin' to do; I can entertain myself by spouting all this bs (lol) ... (way better than using) ... Oh, and one last thing (spread the message): STOP FUCKIN AROUND W SUBOXONE IF YOU AINT TRYING TO STAY CLEAN (people are gonna screw it up, and the Feds will take that away from folks who are trying to stay off H, OXy et al) - Induction is a bitch if you dont know what your doing w Sub. Suboxone has probably helped to save my life (so far, anyway)... thanks for letting me ramble Bluelight - peace
 
I think the line is drawn between pleasure and pain. If even one or a couple of days of use fucks your life up royally, then that in my mind is addiction and not recreation. If you are still using for pleasure, and it's not interfering and you don't have to do those rounds of guilty apologies, you're either in denial or fine, if you follow me.

I'm currently 8 days clean from opiates. A mixture of internal and external factors combined to push me to seek abstinence.
 
infectedmushroom said:
I think the line is drawn between pleasure and pain. If even one or a couple of days of use fucks your life up royally, then that in my mind is addiction and not recreation. If you are still using for pleasure, and it's not interfering and you don't have to do those rounds of guilty apologies, you're either in denial or fine, if you follow me.

I'm currently 8 days clean from opiates. A mixture of internal and external factors combined to push me to seek abstinence.
Click to expand...
I just read this entire thread. Good for you infected mushroom. I'd also like to mention that a certain maturity in your perspective over time is obvious in this thread and that is really cool to see.

I'm currently 8days clean of an amphetamine addiction (and 19 days free of opiates) so I feel a certain kinship to you.

Fuck Yeah!
 
A little update on where I'm at.

I have realized that I like many others have only two choices when it comes to substance use. Either I am an addict, or I am completely abstinent.

I have realized at this point in my life (22) I am not fully willing to be completely abstinent. In abstinence place, I have come to feel content with what I call "compensatory addiction."

My poison was codeine, which I used daily for just over a year in high doses (for those who haven't read the thread,) thrown in with PST and intermittent oxy use. I kicked just over a month ago, but only managed to stay sober for 10 days before relapsing. Yet, I have not returned to daily use. I think this is for two reasons. One, I now know through firsthand experience (I have a tendency to need to find things out the hard way) that daily dosing of opiates is foolish for so many reasons. Secondly, I have come to the realization that when it comes to drugs - variety is the spice of life.

I now use opiates twice a week. I am not physically dependent. Mentally, yes. I very much look forward to the days I know i'm going to use. On the days I don't, I change it up. I might smoke a joint. I might have a glass of wine or two. I might make some kava, or take a 5mg valium - I even have completely sober days.

The benefits of this lifestyle over my previous one are enormous.

I need to be realistic. Until I am ready for complete abstinence, "compensatory addiction" will have to do. I would guess many of you with more knowledge and experience than me would warn me about the risk of total relapse (and please don't hold back) but put it down to the arrogance of youth; whether foolish or not, I'm happy now.
Peace :)
 
Last edited:
Youth will slip away like the memory of a dream upon waking.

Don't forget the reason why you quit in the first place. I've been struggling with addiction for as long as you've been alive. Just be careful because it never gets easier. Don't be like me, waking up in your 40's and wondering why your life is a fucking piece of shit.
 
infectedmushroom said:
A little update on where I'm at.

I have realized that I like many others have only two choices when it comes to substance use. Either I am an addict, or I am completely abstinent.

I have realized at this point in my life (22) I am not fully willing to be completely abstinent. In abstinence place, I have come to feel content with what I call "compensatory addiction."

My poison was codeine, which I used daily for just over a year in high doses (for those who haven't read the thread,) thrown in with PST and intermittent oxy use. I kicked just over a month ago, but only managed to stay sober for 10 days before relapsing. Yet, I have not returned to daily use. I think this is for two reasons. One, I now know through firsthand experience (I have a tendency to need to find things out the hard way) that daily dosing of opiates is foolish for so many reasons. Secondly, I have come to the realization that when it comes to drugs - variety is the spice of life.

I now use opiates twice a week. I am not physically dependent. Mentally, yes. I very much look forward to the days I know i'm going to use. On the days I don't, I change it up. I might smoke a joint. I might have a glass of wine or two. I might make some kava, or take a 5mg valium - I even have completely sober days.

The benefits of this lifestyle over my previous one are enormous.

I need to be realistic. Until I am ready for complete abstinence, "compensatory addiction" will have to do. I would guess many of you with more knowledge and experience than me would warn me about the risk of total relapse (and please don't hold back) but put it down to the arrogance of youth; whether foolish or not, I'm happy now.
Peace :)
Click to expand...


Hopefully that works out for you and it very well might. I used to think like that, I called it "controlled relapses" or "planned runs". When I was 22 I still had quite a bit of control over my use looking back on it. I "felt" like I "needed" to use, but now I realize that wasn't really the case and the reality of it was at that point I was mainly mentally hooked. Sure I would get sick and whatnot, but my ability to bounce back and recover after detox was much stronger. Of course, I used this to rationalize that I was "good" at detoxing and "managing my addiction" and I kept going.

It wasn't until I got to around 26 or 27 that not using became a non-option because I would be unable to function. A few years later I couldn't function either way. I am clean now, and I have to stay clean to have any success in life. However, that doesn't mean I will stay clean. Basically, at this point just wanting to be clean isn't enough for me. I have to actively work to stay clean. Its not always easy, but its much easier then using.


Just be honest with yourself. In a lot of ways I totally wasted at least a decade of my life and am playing catchup. I just turned 31 and am in Graduate School right now. I should have a career launched. I have no kids, no girlfriend, my family is there for me of course, but I do not have my own. I am essentially learning how to live as an adult now. Just realize that this is a possibility. You don't have to use daily to be an addict.

But yes, you are gonna do what you are gonna do. I know this because I did the same thing at your age. Stay safe!
 
I like the way phactor lays it out. Much more elegantly than I can right now. ....You must forgive me as I am recovering from amphetamine addiction and expressing myself coherently (being able to write the details or expand on a thought) is not something I can do very well at this point.
 
I appreciate your thoughts guys, and don't worry Cloud, I understand your sentiment.

Hopefully I can stay honest with myself. I can honestly say i'm still an addict, for one. I also don't know what the future will bring. One day I will have far more responsibilities, which I'm not afraid or trying to avoid or put off; I think I'm kind of really milking the time I have left to live this way before (I wouldn't call it a new way) but a different way of life begins. I hope that makes some sort of sense, I just woke up. :)

The most important thing to me is to make sure drugs are not holding me back or interfering to much with more important aspects of my life; university (more importantly knowledge and learning which I didn't bother to do getting high all the time,) relationships, which i'm slowly mending from my past year of isolation, and money, which I now have a little rather than none of.
 
You are going to do what you do. But it would be a shame for you to waste your potential in this life as an addict in active addiction. I too will be an addict the rest of my life, just my plan is to remain an addict in recovery.

I am having to learn and relearn so much right now. I feel like I've wasted so much of my own potential - lost to addiction - I can't stand to see another very bright and promising person do the same <-- this is why I care.

Be careful and be smart about what you do. I don't want to read about you still struggling with this 20 years from now.
 
I really appreciate your concern. I'm at another crossroads right now and I don't know what to think and do.

I've been told to either go to rehab or get out.

REHAB: Positives
-Kick starting the recovery process, getting enough clean time under my belt to see things more clearly
-Purging some of the demons which might be keeping me down
-Learning ways to stay clean/deal with stress/anxiety etc.
-Sort through some of the family issues I have

REHAB: Negatives
-Might have to postpone finishing my semester at University
-Blow to ego by telling friends and family about problem (minimal but i'm being honest)
-Cost
-BIGGEST CONCERN; NOT TRULY BEING READY TO QUIT. When Rehab was suggested, I felt and IMMEDIATE tugging resistance inside that said; NONONO.

MOVING: Positives
-New friends and acquaintances
-Moving away from family problems
-Renewed self-esteem as a result of the above two things PLUS being self-sufficient and feeling like more of a competent adult
-Work - I'll need to work very hard to survive, I live in a relatively very expensive city, and I definitely will not be able to afford the same level of drug use

MOVING: Negatives
-Struggle. Balancing paying the rent/bills and studying full time will NOT BE EASY and there's no way around it.
-My mother has cancer at the moment and I really "SHOULD" be at home for the families sake - this is really an issues of conscience and guilt . If moving away is the best option for me, then I should do it - for her as well, so she has more piece of mind. <--- This is really a very complex and draining issue for me.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top