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Detox Gettig clean on my own.

Q

Qweenofthedamed

Greenlighter
Joined
May 30, 2017
Messages
12
i just lost a huge post. I don't have the energy to try again but I will later.


I am a 45 yr old female and I am doing this one last time. I am going to do this without any comfort meds. I want to feel the pain and anguish and all that comes with it this time. I don't want to ever be back in this position. After 10 yrs of cycling on and off withdrawling and relapsing. I want to be done.
Day 1 isn't so bad of course. I slept well last night and the night before in preparation. I feel like I am gonna win this time because I actually want it and I am not being forced to it.
 
I would also like to say that I spent all day and I mean all day reading this site. I gained some valuable insight and love that there are people like me who are here and those that have been there a time or 5. :-)
 
I started dancing with the devil in my early thirties. I was managing a Dennys and I fell and hurt my knee pretty badly. I was on pain killers for 3 months. Though I have to say I never abused them and took them exactly as prescribed. Looking back I was withdrawing from them when my knee was better. I thought I had the flu. I had no idea. Though I missed the way they made me feel, I had 3 kids under 10 and my Alzheimer/dementia mother and an alcoholic husband to take care of on top of a 60 hour work week. Fast forward a yr and my husband was diagnosed with cirrhosis of the liver. He promptly quit drinking and almost killed himself. He was in icu for the better part of 8 weeks. Upon his release he was told to find a doctor to manage his health care. We found one who was liberal with the drugs... Morphine!! My husband didn't like the opiates. He had already gone back to drinking at this point. I used the morphine to quell my anger and fear at him. It was some ridiculously high dose. For a year I took it daily. Well as you can imagine the drinking took its toll from him and he landed right back in the hospital. They took him off of everything. I thought I was dying. I was sick and miserable. I still didn't know it was withdrawals. My best friend brought me some pain meds that her mom had gotten for a tooth extraction. I only asked her for them because I was hurting so bad and I needed to be strong for my kids and taking care of my husband who for all intents and purposes was dying. I took the meds and. I was BETTER! That's when it clicked . I spent the next couple of years mostly clean. Then His doc gave him 280 Tramadol a month. He didn't take them so I did. Who boy big mistake! His doctor told him that they were non addictive and safe. I took them for 3 years. I had to cold turkey those. I was in misery for 6 months. That was in 2013. I was mostly clean from 2013 to 2014. In the beginning of 2014 his doc put him on fent patches. We both liked those so we split them. I came of those like a champ tho. But I had an episode that scared me badly. Easy some hydros and few trams. Done. The reason we had to stop was in December of 2014 my husbands kidneys failedI (thought he had the flu) and he was hospitalized. And they told us the only way he was coming home was one of 2 ways death or a transplant. He got his transplant on Christmas morning of 2014. Merry Christmas to us. I had been mostly good only taking a few pills here and there. Then last year he fell off the roof if his shop and broke his leg in 3 places and his wrist in 2. I left his pain meds alone for 2 months. Well I did take a couple a few times but never 2 days in a row. When he stopped taking them I started. And well here I am... He has offered to get me more but he has had surgury on his foot and doesn't need the pain meds. I told him no. I don't want them looking at him as a seeker. Not his problem its mine.

So that's a little of my story. I am sure as it goes along I will remember more.
 
That's a hell of a story. I'm so glad you decided to walk away from the opioids; that's a damn big deal.

I don't want to get ahead of things, but do you have any thoughts about how you'll stay away from them after you're done WDing? The first couple months can be pretty tough, and a lot of folks find that a solid game plan can make success more likely.

There are great informal options like assembling a good network of folks to talk to if you get to feeling bad. Then there are more structured options like an outpatient rehab, or something like NA if that's of interest.

No need to rush on these issues. Just something to consider.

Meanwhile, best luck. I hope you'll keep us posted.
 
Thanks Sim! I read your entire thread yesterday! Congrats you have done very well and the hard way too!

I haven't decided what my future plans are. Personally na isn't for me. Besides I live in a small town in Texas and well it wouldn't be a very good idea. That and most of the people there aren't there by choice. Many still use.

I do pretty good for a while after I stop using. What usually does me in is the restless legs. I have had it my whole life. I have noticed recently that my use increases when the episodes are happening then I will go back to the regular dose. Usually about 8 10s a day up 10 10s a day during the rls. I have thought about the rls meds but I heard the withdrawal from them is brutal. If it is anything like the trams whoa... Uh uh. I have actually had periods that lasted 6 months with rls that was not brought on by withdrawal. Sleeping like 2 hrs a night most nights. I guess that's why I am in the shape i am now. I actually get relief. I am rambling.. But mind is filled with 27 million thoughts..
 
I know this must feel like small habit compared to some. Its not really the amount for me. Its the length of time. Eight months of 80 or 100 mg a day with out ever having a day or time without in that eight months. Even when I ran short I always managed to find or cop enough to make the next refill. Truthfully there have been times when I said fuck it I might as well switch to H. At least I can find that shit every day! But I have lurked here and another site for a long time and its stories like yours that have kept me from doing just that.
 
Tomorrow is my youngest Daughters graduation. I am terrified of the outcome. Plus I promised to watch her 2 yr old son so she could live a little. Scared. I am gonna be a basket case
 
I was just talking with my husband. Maybe both of my parents passing away last year with in 7 months of each other had a lot to do with this last binge. Maybe the stress brought out the rls and the anxiety. I thought I handled both pretty well. Hmm something to ponder on.
 
There are medications such as ropinirole that, unless you have a problem with gambling, is rather benign and effective at treating RLS. Gabapentin is likewise very safe, and also highly effective at treating RLS.

But why is it so important to experience every little bit of suffering during withdrawal? Or in particular why not after the acute withdrawal, like those little symptoms that linger for a while?
 
Hi Tpd. I have heard that there is withdrawal to all of the meds in some form or fashion. I just don't want to ever be tied to a drug ever again that will cause serious harm if stopped by something that is out if my control. That's why I want to feel every part of the misery that is coming. I don't want to let something control me never again. I know it sounds a bit masochistic but maybe if I suffer enough, I will think twice about picking up this devil again. I know that I am tired of trying to not be sick, to not feel chained. My husband and I are finally empty nesters (my graduating daughter and grandson are the last to move out) I would like to spend the next years having a bit of fun and not worrying about the laundry list of shit that comes with this particular addiction. Thank you for replying. Your pretty awesome too!
 
Some people do believe that the approach you describe helped motivate them in their early recovery, but such individuals are rare. What's important is that you have a plan you are comfortable with and are working to achieve your goals as you see fit.

There is no dependency or withdrawal related to using ropinirole (not even the potential). Using gabapentin for a month is equally unlikely to lead to dependency. The only real risks with gabapentin would be with using it every day for months at higher doses. It's significantly less of an issue than with benzodiazepines.

I just mention this all to make sure you're aware that you have options if you feel like you'd benefit from some relief down the road.
 
I'm almost though with the pain management morphine withdrawal. 10 years of Close to 300mg a day down to 45 now. I hit my big Hell wall when I was dropping 120mg down to 60mg. It was pretty bad. I'm glad though I went through it the natural way. The hard way. It left its mark though. And it did reset my pain tolerance. I feel better for experiencing it. Don't really ever want to do it again though. Thats a good thing long term I think. I found out about the gabapentin after my hell episode ( Thanks TPD - Toothpastedog ). Does not look like I will be needing it. Good luck with any way that works for you...
 
toothpastedog said:
Some people do believe that the approach you describe helped motivate them in their early recovery, but such individuals are rare. What's important is that you have a plan you are comfortable with and are working to achieve your goals as you see fit.

There is no dependency or withdrawal related to using ropinirole (not even the potential). Using gabapentin for a month is equally unlikely to lead to dependency. The only real risks with gabapentin would be with using it every day for months at higher doses. It's significantly less of an issue than with benzodiazepines.

I just mention this all to make sure you're aware that you have options if you feel like you'd benefit from some relief down the road.
Click to expand...

I agree totally.

That's a long road and I see a good benefit from getting sober as comfortably as possible, especially if it doesn't harm you. It's a relief after all. This is just the beginning, there will be plenty of time for you to go on without any meds but for now it would be good for you. I know the feeling, I've been there.

Take care and Good luck. You can do this!!
 
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There's always kratom, my withdrawal, harm reduction and current addiction du jour. It's natural and safe.

Wild story, Qween – wishing you the best.
 
Thanks for replying everyone. Yesterday was awful. I fell apart 10 times before the graduation. My hubby called a friend and got me a couple of 10s to get thru the day.... He still has them. I told him to give them back. I just didn't want to set myself back. I managed to sit thru the graduation and get back to the house but once I was home I freaking fell apart. I feel so damned worthless at this point. I know its all part of it. I haven't slept since weds night really. About 2 hrs in the last 48. My mind is racing, my stomach is agony. Thank god my oldest daughter offered to watch my grandson last night. They all know I have the junky flu.. I am so angry but I am still determined. Thanks for letting me vent.
 
Sooo. I broke down and took 600 mg of gaba. Man what a difference..i feel a little whoosh but I feel better. Having a Texas thunderstorm. I a.m. laying in bed watching it. Feeling much calmer. I am a little upset that broke down and used the gaba but I also know that I was about to give up and take those 2 . thanks y'all
 
Slept some. Amazed. But the sinus thing is horrible. I coughed so much and so hard last night I threw up. I have decided that I am going to quit smoking soon. I usually keep the cough for a couple of weeks.
I have decided to seek some kind of addiction therapy when I am ready. I was hoping some one could give me an idea where to start. The more I think about it, the more I worry that in time the relapse will come.
 
What do you picture in terms of treatment when you write "addiction treatment"? I mean what kind of thing sounds good to you? You seem to want it, so that isn't an issue. It's just a matter of finding something that is appropriate and works for you.

There is no effective cookie cutter approach out there to treating opioid use disorder (neither rehabs nor ORT are right for everybody). Triage is very, very important with substance use disorder, because an inappropriate treatment could promote worsening symptoms (and very difficult to do over the internet, for obvious reasons).

The most effective treatment is going to be the one that is right for you. Very often people can intuit whether a particular course of treatment is appropriate for them at any given time, so I suggest you educate yourself as to what the playing field looks like (in terms of your options) and trust your intuition about choosing what kind of approach to substance use disorder treatment feels to work for you.

What do you want to do? What do you envision as meaningful about moving ahead? What are you going to do now? These are worthwhile questions.
 
Just a quick check in. Firstly, just let me apologize for not responding to those of you who have posted. I find that I am having a really hard time articulating my thoughts. I don't know what's happening mentally. The last couple of days have been awful. Restlessness and no sleep have , I suspect taken their toll from me. I have had roughly 2 hrs of sleep in the last 3 or days. Typical I know but In the heat of the battle and all.... The other thing I have found us that I am an emotional wreck. I cried because the damn toilet handle broke. I cried because I didn't have the strength to open my coke bottle. Never had this happen before. Its a bit disconcerting. I hope things are going better for anyone fighting this fight. Thanks again for just giving me a place to vent.
 
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