General Heroin Discussion #18 - v. Stupidity ain't no badge of honor

[oldhippytony]

Toma wrote … "Dishwash at a pizza place, I'm a loser haha"

Ha ha? I ain’t laughin.

Sometime ago I wrote that I started using drugs because I didn’t like the way I felt about myself at the time. I just don’t think people ram huge amounts of heroin directly into their veins (or in your case up their noses) because they really love themselves (just my opinion). Dope helped me not feel. In fact, it worked GREAT at not making me feel. Then the dope stopped working. So I eventually stopped using dope and I started to feel again. Like shit. Until I did things that made me not feel like ... to use your words ... a loser.

Point is that I believe that when we stop using dope we need to change the way we think, and therefore feel, about ourselves or we will have no choice but to go back to using what (at one time) helped us deal with the way we thought, and therefore felt, about ourselves. Unfortunately the dog that we used to help us back then just don’t hunt any more the way it once did.

You ain’t a loser. I also know that there are things you can do to change the way you feel about yourself.

But first, please get back to us and let us know that you made it through your latest combo high. BlueHue is spot on with respect to how dangerous it is mixing dope and benzos. Did they send you home from work? I worked in a sub shop when I was younger and would nod while cleaning the slicer.

 

[RTrain]

Man we get a version of scramble here in texas called "cheese" which is just good tar blended with benadryl to make it a powder. Its cheaper than just buying the raw of course but it actually gets me high too. Id much prefer some ECP or just even unadulterated tar but i work with where im at.

You don't snort that shit do you? I hear snorting benadryl burns to all holy hell. But its not something I would do so I can't say from personal experience.

 

[RTrain]

Ive done that job. Its super easy to couple that job with drug dealing. Very lucrative and keeps you from having to be at the place during downtime. Cause technically your still making deliveries. I was in a huge college town too so it wasn't uncommon to be tipped with smokeouts or pills or hot girls and getting numbers. On a friday night i could walk out with 200 easily in just tips.

Oh yeah I could imagine. I was in the town over form my hometown when I delivered, so it could've been done.

Makes me think of the other day when I was wokring my job on the ambulance. I was doing a rare OT shift in Boston. So I get there and I find out my partner for the day is a black dude. I am not trying to be racist my any means, but I am pretty sure he made a drug deal out of the ambulance. Not sure what, but I feel it might've been dope, because he was real chill the whole time and made a lot of lengthy bathroom breaks. Also we were driving a person from Boston hospital out of the city about 15 miles down the highway to a nursing home and I'm sitting in the back with the old person. So halfway there he yells back to me asking if I can drive, which is really odd. I was like "sure", he said he couldn't anymore because he was falling asleep since we were in traffic. I found that a bit off, like he was nodding out or something.

Then later on we are back in Boston posting at a hospital (fyi, posting just means sitting parked in a an our dispatchers designate to us). He gets a phonecall all of a sudden, first he says something like "noting much I am easy" then he says "yeah I got one on me", "then he is aslking this person if they know Boston and if they can meet him up where we are" 20 mins later a car pulls up next to us with some younger dudes and my partner jumps in. Then he comes back to the ambulance, but the car sits there for 10 mins. The car then leaves, comes back 5 mins later and my partner goes up to it again, then the car leaves for good. I really wanted to ask the dude what it was all about, don't know why I didn't hoenstly. Was kind of just too tired to care.

I've heard of people selling drugs out of ambulances, but never seen it, thinking that might've been what happened there, though.

Please, just one more question, at the end of your 14 day stay how did you get home?

Probably got a free ambulance ride home, hahah. They love to give those things out to people who don't need them. Like every damn person who needs a ride to a detox or rehab from an ER gets a free ride if they have insruance. The key is they just pink slip them by writing they don't think the person is safe unsupervised. It gets them a bed quicker and a free ride, if they got insurance, cause insruance can't deny a ride to someon pink slipped.

You whole post makes me think of people who call 911 for complete bullshit, basically using the ER for a doctors office or urgent care center. Then they will ask me if we are going to drive them back, too. That is when I must contain myself from laughing at them. Sorry one way trip, if you really needed to be in an ER you wouldn't be sitting here worrying about how you will get home, so I hope you get over that 10/10 ass pain you have had for 6 days now.

 

[oldhippytony]

I am pretty sure he made a drug deal out of the ambulance.

If it looks like a duck, quacks and walks like a duck ...

 

[mdmazing_]

Anyone who mentions "scramble" is most likely in Baltimore...

Hahaha well damn. Guess there's a bigger reputation for this shit hole of a city than I thought.

 

[mdmazing_]

Man we get a version of scramble here in texas called "cheese" which is just good tar blended with benadryl to make it a powder. Its cheaper than just buying the raw of course but it actually gets me high too. Id much prefer some ECP or just even unadulterated tar but i work with where im at.

That sounds awesome haha! I can fuck with scram if its decent. I'm working with where I'm at too.

 

[mdmazing_]

i was ridin with some dudes the other night coppin and we got to talkin about scramble
cause i personally like scramble
but these old heads like the stamps we get here moar
if i wasn't lazy i'd just go cop in baltimore.
instead of 15 mins away from home

I like it too when its good lol. It's all they really have out here and its the cheapest too. This is quite an expensive habbit. If I kept all my empty caps I'd probably go insane thinking about all the money I've spent on it...

 

[RTrain]

If it looks like a duck, quacks and walks like a duck ...

On top of that, he was telling me about how he worked for the Boston city ambulance service. It is a pretty coveted position for EMTs, and really hard to get on ...if you are a white male. He said he got on, but had some issues getting back to work with them because of getting a doctor's note for a health problem. So I asked "was that why you lost the job" and he just said "no it was some other shit", or something vague to that effect. First hing I though was he got hemmed up on a drug test, since I know they do hair and started doing randoms a few years ago. Then he said since he lost that he is just "going to keep riding the gravy train", which sounded conspicuous, because our shitty pay is no gravy train, but he could've been sarcastic just didn't sound so. All in all he was a cool guy, but a bit lazy.

 

[BlueHues]

Hahaha well damn. Guess there's a bigger reputation for this shit hole of a city than I thought.

There's a few people from Baltimore here now, there was more in the past....We cover everything and everywhere when it comes to dope in America on this thread...

 

[TriputoryHeadicine]

Damn man what's with that hate from everyone all the sudden I didn't ask for everyone to talk about me in this thread

I think he was making a funny ; )

Toma I'm going to stop, I do know there's a good man in that head of Tomas- the HR advice is really dear to me. I just wanna do what I can, but enough info and barratings have been posted.
Good luck Tomatilli! What does your name mean? Toma=tomatoe?

 

[tomatalli]

I just made it up haha my last name is similar to it so I changed my last name a lot and came up with tomatalli haha

 

[BlueHues]

*Writes down on note pad

-Tomatilli says, "last name is similar"....Entering Tomatilli in sex offender registry in hopes of getting a hit...

Update: Printing page 54 of 114

It's a joke...
i think

 

[TriputoryHeadicine]

That was actually the first thing I thought of but then tonight cuz I'm, uh, slow right now ^_^Cool name. So what do you like to do besides get high? What do you enjoy doing Most, anything that could lead to a career? I' about to retake an EMT course so i can practice some procedures I haven't used in a long time. Looking forward to getting the hellll out of the Midwest. Sweet town to grow up in but it's time.

 

[TriputoryHeadicine]

*Writes down on note pad

-Tomatilli says, "last name is similar"....Entering Tomatilli in sex offender registry in hopes of getting a hit...

Update: Printing page 54 of 114

Hah BH that's great : D. I was just looking at a local sex offender map .

 

[tomatalli]

I like to BME pain Olympics

 

[ohshea]

Seem to have found a nice new spot in my forearm. Strangely though, a stream of blood flows in nicely, yet it still stings when I push the plunger.. I hate how it'll hit and when I try again it won't. I'm lucky to find a spot and they usually only work once and then I have to wait a while before it'll work again -_-

Could be an arterey. Or sometimes if the tie is still on or you push too fast some leaks out of the vein.

"how do i feel?, what do i say?, Fuck you it all goes away" -SOAD

so i relapsed.. not that i was planning on really getting clean anyways.
So i want to make blog posts, hence im trying to get fifty posts.
n i never really know what to say so i don't say anything... but fuck it ima just talk

got rushed into going to rehab..my friend made a bitch move n called my mom, told her i was shooting dope, scared the fuck out of her, so i went to rehab for the fourth fucking time to try and save everyone some sanity. i honestly hate making her worry and have major fucking guilt over it..

but i have to want it for me, as bad as i want to quit for her i cant

so im at this fucking rehab , it was freezing, on the top of a mountain five hours from home, and i think i was on my last day of the methadone taper, and i started freaking out. i wanted to leave. i swear they held me hostage. i told the counselor i am 24 years old, i signed myself in i want to sign the fuck out, i am not done getting high, you cannot benefit me from me staying here, there are people dying for my bed, i don't want it, fucking discharge me.

they say no. and this is a rehab that picked me up, five hour drive, they give me a ride home. well the only way they would let me leave is if i go AMA (against medical advice) and if i leave AMA they do not give me a ride home, im not allowed any of my stuff (cloths, whatever) they wont give me my cell phone, and i can not make a phone call before i leave. i have to make an appointment to come back at a later date to get my stuff, and i have to walk off the fucking mountain. I was PISSED. your allowed to make like 2 calls a week, and when u do its for five minutes, on speaker and they monitor it. the moment u mention anything about asking someone to pick you up they hang up the phone. it was fucking insanity i felt like i was in a nut ward.

i make it through the 14 fucking days, and of course the moment i get home the needle is in my fucking arm. I suppose i should have at least gave myself a chance, tried to stay clean. But my mind was made before i even left for rehab. I just wasn't done.

some of the women there were trying to help me stay calm, kept telling me just look at it as a break, an oil change. get your tolerance down a little, whatever ya know. well after crying for like 8 hours a day for 4 days strait i accepted that i wasn't leaving early, no one was picking me up, and i had to just try and make the best of it or risk being in a turtle suit and helmet lol.

met some cool people, had some fun. did all of the things your not supposed to do at rehab. o well i will save the seriousness for when i am seriously ready to quit. i mean if ur not done ur just not done.right? as stupid as it sounds. i fucking love getting high. its all ive done for the last five years strait. I can not picture life without it. i can not imagine enjoying anything else.

Damn. Id like to see how you respond to jail.

 

[JunkieDays]

5 hr drive one way = 10 hours round trip. You stated that you started “freaking out” and “crying" (your words, not mine) after 3 or 4 days, insisting on going home and you seem to resent the fact that they wouldn’t pay a staff member 10 hours plus fuel and tolls to drop what they were doing so as to chauffeur your still dopesick ass back to where you came from. Weren’t you the one who asked them for help initially? Didn’t they drive at least ten hours to pick you up in the first place after you contacted them asking for their help?

Also, most residential facilities have protocol with respect to discharge and personal effects. Most facilities inventory personal property and secure same during the resident/patient/inmate’s stay. Upon discharge there typically is some sort of protocol with respect to return of property. All staff just can’t access resident property at the drop of a hat, any time of day/night/weekend, just because the resident decides they've had enough and want to bounce the fuck out. In many cases, when a patient opts to make an impromptu exit, they are free to leave. If they want belongings previously secured however, they are required to obtain them at a time that is convenient to the facility. Sounds fair to me. It ain't about holding you or anyone else hostage. It's more about operating a residential facility in an orderly and at least somewhat secure fashion. Believe it or not, sometimes you have sacrifice some for the good of the whole.

You were not the first one to ever ask to be discharged from that facility and it appears that they knew exactly how to respond in order to maximize the chances that you would remain there for the entire stint. Their collective hope was that you would stay long enough to enjoy (buy into) drinking their unique brand of kool aid. I’ve been to many facilities, county jails, hospital detox wards, dozens of in-patient and out-patient substance abuse treatment centers, even Attica penitentiary. Sometimes I was there because I had to be, to get their message, sometime I went willingly, to share my own brand of kool aid that I was pimping at the time. Every facility I’ve ever been to had their own version of what they think people like us require to change our lives around.

I’m not much different than you. I went to a 28 day residential rehab (only) once and had a needle in my arm within 90 days of discharge. I wasn’t ready at the time either. Hell, I'm not entirely ready most days today. I was pissed off then because I expected softer pillows and a room with a view. The reality was that prior to being in that rehab with their clean sheets and three square meals, I was sleeping in a car and pissing in a plastic milk jug. Looking back I don’t regret going to that rehab because while I was there a seed was planted deep in my mind that recovery is possible. While there I realized that people like us, people who take shit for granted, sleep under bridges, steal drugs from our family's medicine cabinet, shoot dope in shooting galleries, art galleries, or country club restrooms, or piss in plastic milk jugs, can recover from this dastardly disease of addiction. I hope you feel that way someday about your experience on the mountain.

Please, just one more question, at the end of your 14 day stay how did you get home?

I could NOT agree more, Tony. 100% spot on, brother.
You said what I wanted to say to him. Hell, I was even kind of disgusted at how people thought his rehab was unfair & keeping him 'hostage'.
Idk if I got my point across, but I told him about it a page or two back.

 

[ohshea]

How am I taking the holier than thou stance I don't put myself above anyone....I usually put myself below most people lol

I wasnt talking about you. If you would have bothered to even read the post you would see that if anything i was defending you. Everyone was ganging up and telling you to get clean i said relax we as junkies dont need to tell another user how to live his life. Then scag agreed saying he hates when fiends get all preachy, and I added to that saying I hate when fiends act "holier than thou," giving advice that they should be taking into consideration themselves.

 

[BlueHues]

There's a fine line between having "policies and rules that make sense", and using things like denying you access to your possessions and not letting you make phone calls as tools of manipulation and coercion.

Most places have certain hours that you're allowed to "check out" your possessions...and asking the night-staff to open the safe might be unreasonable...but forcing someone who leaves AMA to make an appointment to come get their stuff is classic leverage and manipulation to force someone to stay against their will..

Not allowing phone calls is more of the same...If you're there voluntarily and you want to leave, it's completely unacceptable and unethical to deny someone something as basic as a phone call to make arrangements for a ride, particularly if you can't access your own phone because it's locked up in storage!

Most rehabs have strict rules that it's understood you'll have to adhere to when you enter the facility, and they're necessary when dealing with addicts...but trying to use those rules to keep someone there against their will is completely unacceptable.

Junkiedays, you're "disgusted" by someone disagreeing with how a rehab is run? That's funny....

'Awww, hell no! How they gonna dis' rehab like that?!"
*takes rubber band off a bundle

 

[smokemctoke420]

There's a fine line between having "policies and rules that make sense", and using things like denying you access to your possessions and not letting you make phone calls as tools of manipulation and coercion.

Most places have certain hours that you're allowed to "check out" your possessions...and asking the night-staff to open the safe might be unreasonable...but forcing someone who leaves AMA to make an appointment to come get their stuff is classic leverage and manipulation to force someone to stay against their will..

Not allowing phone calls is more of the same...If you're there voluntarily and you want to leave, it's completely unacceptable and unethical to deny someone something as basic as a phone call to make arrangements for a ride, particularly if you can't access your own phone because it's locked up in storage!

Most rehabs have strict rules that it's understood you'll have to adhere to when you enter the facility, and they're necessary when dealing with addicts...but trying to use those rules to keep someone there against their will is completely unacceptable.

Junkiedays, you're "disgusted" by someone disagreeing with how a rehab is run? That's funny....

i was in this christian cult rehab called "teen challenge" like an hour from my house but they have centers all over the US. but when people would leave after the first week or something then they would get all your shit for you as soon as you wanted to go, or at least the same day. pretty much if there is a staff member there then they will get your things and let you use the phone.

there was one point i told the pastor i hated it here and wanted to go so he dialed my mom up and handed the phone to me so i can ask her to pick me up even tho we only get 1 10 min call once a week. they were assholes but they always said "this isnt jail. if you dont like it then theres the door". even if you walked off the property as soon as they find out your kicked out.

when you get kicked out there if youre ready to come back or want to for some reason then they make you pay the $250 and start your 3 months over. fuck that place. you werent allowed to cmoke cigs, take add meds, or depression meds cuz they were :mind altering". couldnt even watch movies or read books that wasnt christian, no phone, no music, 3 hours of religious classes everyday, church 3X a week. it was horrible. they dont even get tot the root of addiction much less talk about it. they automatically say god will heal you. im gonna give you the site link for the one i went to but there is ones all over america. never go here

http://www.delawareteenchallenge.org/
http://www.delawareteenchallenge.org/program_faq.html

apparently they actually give you a counselor nowadays. they make you do car washes every saturday to so we clean cars if its above freezing outside for 6 hours every saturday. i hated it. there's so many more horrible things about that place.