ive been dealing with gender dysphoria for a few years now and it has never gotten better
i know that hrt is the way to go as ive tried coping with this for years now and it never worked
they say dress in different clothes and i have but i know its not just clothes
i cant even look at myself when im taking a shower i just look up and cry (this happens every day)
i dont wanna live like this and i know it isnt going away any time soon
some people say its a phase but i know what a phase looks like because ive had them and this is not a phase and if it is one then its been one for a good part of my life
im gonna try to get estrogen perscribed and if i cant then ill get it the second i become an adult
yes i was born with a fucking dick that doesnt mean i have to be a man
fuck
shits rough ok
some contradictory sentences pop out of my mouth here that are all true from my perspective - it's funny how we can hold different views in our heart isn't it!
in the order that I thought them....
I hope you're talking to others about your gender dysphoria, there are better forums than BL to get support for what you're going through.
Dressing and living as a different gender is the 1st step, hormones the 2nd, surgery the 3rd
I've had "phases" that have lasted 5 years+
IIRC I remember lots of reports of people "just knowing" they were in the wrong body from an early age, and earlier intervention can lead to better outcomes (I've not looked at studies on the % success rates though)
Young brains are very malleable, your brain is not yet stable enough to know/understand what you truly want vs what you think you want vs what is a consequence of other life events (which may/might not include abuse) - brain development doesn't reach "adulthood" until you're well into your mid 20s
Why are you using drugs? gender dysphoria/sexuality/life events, some of these? all of these?
This is 1 of those things that only you can answer, what I would say is that whatever the answer it's a pretty fucking huge life changing deal for you whichever way it goes!
Do it justice, research, read, get opinions, become your own expert on you, you need confidence that your decision is the best possible decision that you can make with all the best information available to you.
Make big decisions with a clear head, you'll have better outcomes and be happier as a result. Don't try to take on too much shit in 1 go, if you're going to pull the trigger on something that you want to be so monumentally life affirming, then getting your shit together and getting a stable platform 1st before you make any decision sounds like a good idea to me.
Make a plan e.g. 1. research 2. get clean 3. check you still feel the same way sober 4. decide the best route for you 5. begin your journey.
what you shouldn't do is get fucked up over and over again (read about drug pharmacokinetics, receptors & hormones effects to understand why) and make life changing decisions assuming that you'll feel the same way sober in 5, 10, 15 years time - that has in my mind an increased risk of failure
and yes I know you're doing drugs & alcohol to cope, but we're complex animals, it's never as simple as 1 thing, it's lots of complex reasons, it's no reason at all, it's a smell, it's because why not. Will it suck to not get high while you work things through, yes it fucking will, but the drugs will still be there afterwards and you'll make clearer better decisions without them right now, you need to be in the right headspace to deal with things....
Read more into what I mean about headspace here, sometimes when life is shit I want to black it all out, that's the right headspace for me at the time, but it has consequences, a benzo hangover maybe? when I trip my headspace is blown wide open and it can be overwhelming but I grow from it, the right headspace for the moment is important, there's a reason drinking and driving isn't a good idea.
Maybe, just maybe, this is the magic key that allows everything to drop into place for you, HRT then surgery and suddenly all the mental issues you've had get resolved, more likely though that things are more complex than that and you need to step back so you can see the wood from the trees and tackle each thing in the right way.
hard brutal truth for you:-
it's your life, you must take control of it as best as you can to get as much as possible from it, no-one is coming over the hill on a white horse to make it all better. regardless of your belief system you can't be 100% certain that this isn't all you're going to get so think carefully on how you live it, you are the most influential person you'll ever meet, so take charge of yourself and get on with it!
EDIT: for anyone else reading this I think OP is under 16 years old IIRC. I'm an old fucker, in truth looking back I was still a child until I was at least 25. I would still say most of this regardless of someone's age tbh
