Funniest lines in movie history:

[psood0nym]

Gary, I'm not here from Hollywood, I'm not here to fuck your mouth and my time is very valuable. Now get in the limo.
Wow, big limo.
Yes it is. Now suck my cock.

 

[L2R]

DOCTOR LIVINGSTONE:
Uhh,... I think I'd better come clean with you about this. It's, um,-- it's not a virus, I'm afraid. You see, a virus is what we doctors call very, very small. So small, it could not possibly have made off with a whole leg. What we're looking for here is, I think,-- And this is no more than an educated guess. I'd like to make that clear. ...Is some multi-cellular life form with stripes, huge razor-sharp teeth, about eleven foot long, and of the genus Felis Horribilis: what we doctors, in fact, call a 'tiger'.

 

[junglejuice]

"I'm not dead yet!"

 

[dapurpman]

better off dead.

Charles De Mar: Wait, wait a minute...
[starts to snort snow off his top hat]
Charles De Mar: [sniff] Oh.
[shouts]
Charles De Mar: Oh! Ugh! Outrageous! This is pure snow! Do you have any idea what the street value of this mountain is?
[raises right hand]
Charles De Mar: [shouts] I think I just froze the left half of my brain!
[waves arm in circles]
Charles De Mar: [shouts] Look! I can't move my right arm!

Lane Myer: This isn't funny, Charles! If I don't have a dream, I have nothing!
Charles De Mar: Ah, come on! It's Christmas Eve! I could be home right now, drinking this *monster* eggnog my brother makes with lighter fluid.

 

[panic in paradise]

not the funniest but worth mentioning.
from Down In The Valley, Edward Nortons first time on E.

stops crossing street atcross walk-looks at long line of traffic-and walks down between oncoming rows of cars while parked, and stares. he begins to walk between the vehicles, and stops at a particular vehicle.

Edward Norton-"oh hey theres an open window, how yall doin in there?"
girl in car-"hey pretty good you should hop in, youd love my car"
Edward Norton-"no no, you shouldnt love cars man, love people!"

 

[Wyld 4 X]

Office Space: "I cannot believe what a bunch of losers we are. We're looking up 'money laundering' in the dictionary!"

 

[StarOceanHouse]

Donatello: Look! It's Raph!
Michaelangelo: Yeah, a little too Raph.

 

[pennywise]

Died tragically rescuing his family from the wreckage of a destroyed sinking battleship

-Royal's Grave, The Royal Tenenbaums

 

[mariacallas]

coffee?tea? rack of lamb?

 

[Ravr]

Traffic


Robert Wakefield: I can't believe you brought my daughter to this place.


Seth Abrahams: Woah. Why don't you just back the fuck up, man. "To this place"? What is that shit? Ok, right now, all over this great nation of ours, 'hundred thousand white people from the suburbs are cruisin' around downtown asking every black person they see "You got any drugs? You know where I can score some drugs?" *Think* about the effect that that has on the psyche of a black person, on their possibilities. I... God I guarantee you bring a hundred thousand black people into your neighborhood, into fuckin' Indian Hills, and they're asking every white person they see "You got any drugs? You know where I can score some drugs?", within a *day* everyone would be selling. Your friends. Their kids. Here's why: it's an unbeatable market force man. It's a three-hundred percent markup value. You can go out on the street and make five-hundred dollars in two hours, come back and do whatever you want to do with the rest of your day and, I'm sorry, you're telling me that... you're telling me that white people would still be going to law school?

 

[TALLY]

"Hell, I like you, you can come over to my house and fuck my sister!"


"I'll bet you're the kind of guy that would fuck a person in the ass and not even have the goddam common courtesy to give him a reach-around. I'll be watching you."

"Bullshit. It looks to me like the best part of you ran down the crack of your mama's ass and ended up as a brown stain on the mattress."

 

[felix]

Withnail: Are you the farmer?
Peter Marwood: Shut up, I'll deal with this.
Withnail: We've gone on holiday by mistake. We're in this cottage here. Are you the farmer?
Peter Marwood: Stop saying that Withnail, of course he's the fucking farmer!

Heh, sound clip here.

 

[skahead17]

"Private Pile, you climb like old people Fuck" -full metal jacket

 

[goatofthenever]

"Hell, I like you, you can come over to my house and fuck my sister!"


"I'll bet you're the kind of guy that would fuck a person in the ass and not even have the goddam common courtesy to give him a reach-around. I'll be watching you."

"Bullshit. It looks to me like the best part of you ran down the crack of your mama's ass and ended up as a brown stain on the mattress."

Funniest movie ever.

 

[AmorRoark]

i don't know how anyone could doubt my veracity.

Statler: Well, Waldorf, they finally made it to Broadway.
Waldorf: Yes, and I already bought tickets.
Statler: Are they good seats?
Waldorf: Sure are. They're on the next train out of town.

You remind me of my grandfather more and more with each passing post. Not that that's a bad thing.

 

[Banquo]

Planes, Trains & Automobiles

[waking up after sharing the same bed on the motel]

Neal: Del... Why did you kiss my ear?
Del: Why are you holding my hand?
Neal: [frowns] Where's your other hand?
Del: Between two pillows...
Neal: Those aren't pillows!

 

[L2R]

more python godliness from the meaning of life

Mr Bloke: Aaargh... ow! Oh... aaargh aargh!

Mrs Bloke: D'you er... fancy a cup of tea...?

First Man: Oh well, that would be very nice, yeah... Thank you,
thank you very much madam. Thank you. [Aside.] I thought she'd never ask...

[She takes him into the kitchen... shuts the door. She
bustles about preparing the tea...]

You do realise... he has to be... well... dead... by the terms
of the card... before he donates his liver.

Mrs Bloke: Well I told him that... but he never listens to me...
silly man.

First Man: Only... I was wondering what you was thinking of doing
after that... I mean... will you stay on your own or... is
there someone else... sort of... on the horizon...?

Mrs Bloke: I'm too old for that sort of thing. I'm past my prime...

First Man: Not at all... you're a very attractive woman.

Mrs Bloke: [laughs a little] Well... I'm certainly not thinking of
getting hitched up again...

First Man: Sure?

Mrs Bloke: Sure.

First Man: [coming a little closer] Can we have your liver then?

 

[tambourine-man]

Withnail: Are you the farmer?
Peter Marwood: Shut up, I'll deal with this.
Withnail: We've gone on holiday by mistake. We're in this cottage here. Are you the farmer?
Peter Marwood: Stop saying that Withnail, of course he's the fucking farmer!

Heh, sound clip here.

Ahhhhhhh... totally.

I love that scene. :D

 

[mariacallas]

From Dirty Rotten Scoundrels:
Lawrence Jamieson: Freddy, as a younger man, I was a sculptor, a painter, and a musician. There was just one problem: I wasn't very good. As a matter of fact, I was dreadful. I finally came to the frustrating conclusion that I had taste and style, but not talent. I knew my limitations. We all have our limitations, Freddy. Fortunately, I discovered that taste and style were commodities that people desired. Freddy, what I am saying is: know your limitations. You are a moron.
Freddy Benson: [in a childlike voice] Oh, Lawrence! This is the happiest day of my life! I think my testicles are dropping!

From Parenthood:

Usher: You don't talk like a kid.
Gil: Yeah, well I'm not really a kid.
Usher: You're not a doc.
Gil: This is a memory of when I was a kid. I'm 35 now. I have kids of my own. You don't even really exist. You're an amalgam.
Usher: A what?
Gil: A combination of several ushers my dad left me with over the years. I combined them into one memory.
Usher: Why?
Gil: This was a great symbolic moment of my life. My father dumping me with you... it's why I swore things would be different with my kids. It's my dream. Strong, happy, confident kids.
Usher: That's great, that's great. You know, you - you got a lovely family, and I'm a god-damn amalgam!

Taylor: Mommy what was that?
Karen: That was an electrical ear cleaner.
Taylor: It was kinda big.
Grandma: It sure was.

From the Jerk:
[in bed]
Navin R. Johnson: You look so beautiful and peaceful, you almost look dead. And I'm glad, because there's something I want to say that's always been very difficult for me to say.
[pause]
Navin R. Johnson: "I slit the sheet, the sheet I slit, and on the slitted sheet I sit." There. I've never been relaxed enough around anyone to say that.

lol!!! Can ya tell I just love Steve Martin :D

 

[Jackal]

Little Bill Daggett: Bob walked right into the bar and shot at Corky, only he misses, 'cause he was so damn drunk he couldn't see straight. Old Corky went for his gun and got in such a hurry that he shot his own toe off. Bob shot at Corky again, and he misses again, because he's still so damn drunk. He hits this thousand-dollar mirror over the bar. And now, the Duck of Death is as good as dead. Because this time, Corky does it right. He takes careful aim, slowly squeezes the trigger, and... BAM! That Walker Colt he was carrying blew up in his hand, a failing common to that model. See, what I'm trying to tell you is if Corky really had two guns instead of a big dick, he'd be alive today.
W.W. Beauchamp: Wait. You mean, English Bob killed him even though he didn't have...?
Little Bill Daggett: Well, Bob sure wasn't goin' to wait around for Corky to grow a new hand, was he?


All right, I'm coming out. Any man I see out there, I'm gonna shoot him. Any sumbitch takes a shot at me, I'm not only gonna kill him, but I'm gonna kill his wife, all his friends, and burn his damn house down.