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fuck me if i cant

he shld jst become a stand up comedian this is just beyond comprehension OR handle drugs better instead or do better drugss.
we'll see.
 
@chinup - I'm going to reread your post later and think about a good reply.

For now, I'm in an Uber feeling car sick going to get a quarter of some "za" which my ex coke dealer calls exotic weed.

I was smoking weed this week too among other things and it did bring me a moment of clarify.
 
mtu mwendawazimu said:
@chinup how are you doing
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i'm doing a bit better thanks, and i'm going into the buddhist centre today, its a ceremonial day. i find peace there, and it recentres me thinking about what is important and what i know i need to do to lead a happy and fulfilling life.

mtu mwendawazimu said:
It could be more danilty dank
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that's frustrating. totally get trying to use another drug as a 'lesser evil' and it just not hitting the spot.

i can't smoke weed any more. its nuts, it was my longest addiction and the drug i've failed at quitting most and now i don't enjoy it at all.
 
S.J.B. said:
That's one thing I've always appreciated about weed. It can really give you that "what the fuck are you doing?" check.
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Yeah like last night talking to SJB hylite and shady was like..

*I think they ALL have brain damage*

Haha

I woke up neasiated at the idea of hard drugs. Or maybe that's just because my mouth taste like ass
 
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chinup said:
i'm doing a bit better thanks, and i'm going into the buddhist centre today, its a ceremonial day. i find peace there, and it recentres me thinking about what is important and what i know i need to do to lead a happy and fulfilling life.
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What about it does that?
 
mtu mwendawazimu said:
What about it does that?
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The people who are further advanced than me in their spiritual path exude a sense of calmness that is infectious. Also, chanting stimulates the vagus nerve, which for anyone with cptsd, and probably people in general, provides a sense of calm.

Also just the knowledge that I am safe there, that the things I learn there are going to help me. My default is self destruction so its almost a relief to feel completely safe, because between that and ptsd, I don't have that feeling elsewhere

I didn't really intend to become a Buddhist in recovery, but there's worse stuff I coulda done I guess. I'm sure there are places that will have thT effect on you, I got super lucky finding it but I'm sure if you open yourself up to new experiences you'll find somewhere.
 
mtu mwendawazimu said:
Yeah just gotta learn about myself n the world and how they're connected
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that's pretty much the central issue in spiritual life imo. not that i'm an expert. apparently eventually i'll learn that we are so connected that individuals don't exist, but for the time being i'm content with trying to practise compassion and living skilfully.

in addiction we become extremely self centred, and i certainly became hardened to the world. i knew most people wanted fuck all to do with me, and i wanted fuck all to do with them. between me and 'society,' including my own family and my boyf, i felt like there was this uncrossable abyss. and i wished they would see it that way and leave me the fuck alone. i've come to feel a part of my family now, and a part of my friends lives. its quite nice. a bit scary, they like expect me to do stuff and it creates responsibility and shit. but overall i prefer it to where i was.

have you thought about whether you crossed any thresholds in 2016, and whether you can use that experience to make better decisions this time? it seems to me (please correct me if i'm wrong) that you currently feel like everything is out of your control, and with addiction a huge amount isn't in our control, but if you can identify anythhing you can control that can improve the outcome for you then hopefully that will make you feel less powerless.
 
I can't say that I did, cross any thresholds that ended up shaping me. I feel like I got lucky, getting out of tough situations easily. Im sure if I really tried, I could identify things that left a bad taste in my mouth, but I more or less just meandered between getting high and trying to manage an ordinary life

@chinup
 
mtu mwendawazimu said:
but I more or less just meandered between getting high and trying to manage an ordinary life
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ah, see i didn't bother with the latter part. threw myself into the junky lifestyle full time. its fucking boring i must say, but i always felt so exposed trying to do any normal person shit so i gave up.

did the weed help you in any way, even if it wasn't what you were hoping?
 
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