upallnight + Egirl: You two bring up a lot of memories. Reading your words was always such a joy... along with so many others (plazma, harasser, Dakeva, and on), this forum filled my heart. It seems like long ago, yet so familiar.
Thanks for this thread. It made me peruse the archive and discover things that I had written and forgotten completely. And so I will indulge just a bit.
Reborn of Love ... orig. 9/7/02
There's a picture of a man
On a beach holding me,
Kissing me,
With love for me,
And through him I can see me.
I see strong
Breathing in grace,
Rending a could be from a would be
As I finally see in a reflection of his eye's mind
That I'm a woman again.
I've told those lies.
Ran from places
Far from faces
Who carried their traces of truths I dare not breathe near,
Lest I wake them.
I've known terror, child;
I've been the whispers in ears of mothers of sons,
"She'll ruin him."
And I'm a woman again.
Hear a tear?
Turn your head,
Pay heed to the dead that I live for.
Laughter trespassing your ears?
Face my world,
If you'll know my world,
Suck out all this joy with me -
Not despite me -
You might see
A spotlight, a darkness, I'll know no shame for needing
Arms around my face, sometimes.
But I'm a woman again.
I've seen you, hell.
I know your face, heaven.
The only gravity I sense tells me that I can fly.
I'll clean the floors of halls of shame.
Cook meals of joy.
Bear children for all possibles of worlds.
Inhabit the prisons of women in chains.
Run corporations with my testosterone-driven mind.
Fight wars with guns, with love.
Break ceilings as I crawl underneath floors.
I'll be fear, I'll be hate,
I'll show you beauty in ten-thousand ways.
And I'll love you for all of my days.
God damn you,
I'm a woman again.
Push Play (a jumbled mess) ... orig. 4/29/02
Said goodbye to Jesus on a traffic-jammed highway,
While a man in a truck praised his name.
Quiet time started in a mid-morning holding cell
When I could see his face through dirty glass.
A good man deserves better, and I shut myself down.
I'll fix it myself, figure it out, set things in motion,
Make it all happen, love life anyway, smile if it hurts and try try try.
Chose love over sex and set the body on hibernate,
Control yourself girl, you're better than that.
You need that release, but your vices are gone.
Gave up snorting, and my nose stopped bleeding,
No more pills and the chemicals evened out,
Haven't had a beer in months, maybe weeks,
But I've got fewer headaches and not so many ups and downs.
Trade those highs for evens, a vial for those books,
You've a future, you should plan it better,
Don't forget to raise that hand. Permission granted?
And I'm prostrate to a mind that I haven't admired since two lifetimes ago.
I've got no way to make this poetry,
No means by which to bring happiness with this thought,
It's the extremes I miss and the balance I loathe,
I stopped feeling a long time ago.
Bring me stars, a new plan, a new man, a fresh start.
Justify the pain that never became a sound wave,
Or just make it my own and set it aside.
Time for my life, to pause is to die...
and I push play one more time.