yes i know, but today part of me believes it is true! i use drugs so that i dont have to think about my other problems. i really dont want to deal with what is in front of me. on top of stress from school, work, new friends, etc...
i think i just need to take today for myself, read and meditate. do some studying and just chill and not hang out with people. i dont know, the craving started yesterday as me waking up just feeling pissed off and shitty at everyone and everything. i just didnt have a good day yesterday, but it was whatever. but ever since then i have been thinking about getting high.
like ohh, i wont do heroin and ill just use hydrocdone or order some kratom or something, but that is exactly how i started using heroin again this past time! so why would that be any different? what would stop me from using heroin again? to stop me from being attached to my dealer, to waiting endless hours for his call, for that shot, for that bullshit excuse for relief? what would stop me from ending up dropping out of school, losing the trust of my family, to end up being homeless again?
sometimes i wonder what it is like to not have the curse of drug addiction, to go day by day without comparing drugs to gods. and then i wonder, why me? why am i given so much bullshit. yes i know it could be worse and anyone has their shit, but why is MY story being played out like this? i try to see what i can learn from the situations i have been put in and not think of myself as a victim. however, analyzing my situation and trying to learn something usually only happens on a good day, and on a day like today and yesterday, i just want to pout and mope and bitch and blame my problems on other people.
better yet, are my problems legit, like are they even justifiable? what constitutes a problem as a grave or minor problem other than my perspective? life is such a fucking cunt-bitch, and how can i change my thinking to view life as having a joyful and aw-inspiring nature? how can i get out of this shit hole? god i really wish things arent how they are right now. i am having a really hard time with life, and as i said before, somedays i can deal with it, but other days i want to run like a craven. will i ever be able to escape my problems without facing them, is my question?
i have been running for so long, so so long.......and i am very tired. i can tell because i "really" dont want to get high, but i dont want to deal with my problems either. before i would say, "fuck it!" and not even think twice about running. i think a good sign though is that i am questioning whether getting high is what i really need and want. the answer to that question is always, "NO," but understanding how to come to that conclusion is a different story.
, but will always remember how it can feel