Found out why I like rolling so much...

[dezz]

I've been having kind of a problem lately. About 4 months ago I discovered MDMA. I was blown away by the experience and ofcourse, started taking it every weekend. It all led up to one ocassion where me and a buddy of mine ended up taking 1.5 grams of molly just to get a roll going on a big festival.

Looking back on my first time and the increasing comedown I started to get I decided to take a break. 2 Months later I indulged yet again and did it twice the following month. Now I'm shooting for once a month but it's real hard. I'm on week 3 now... At first I had fun while going out drinking beers and acting goofy, but now I always wonder "if I was rolling right now it would be AWSOME".
Now just recently I made a connection why I have such cravings for it other then the euphoria.

It's not an escape or anything like that. It's just that I litterally feel like I become a much better person when rolling.
In everyday life I'm a normal guy have a few really good friends and that's that. I only have 4 friends I hang out with from a day to day basis. I've always been like this and it never bothered me. I'm generally very selective in the people I hang out with. And if I don't like your... you will know haha.

This was until I found molly, suddenly I could see the kindness in the people around me. I could truly tolerate people's flaws and like them for who they were. My first time was in a bar and just that one night I had a REALLY good convo with some girls who used to bully me in highschool, up until that point I hated them, but now I had the courage to talk to them and listen, I found out they aren't really bad people and changed. Now they are friends of mine. Other times we would go to clubs and because of my effords get invited in the VIP section for free, get to talk to big dj's and end up chilling in someones house with 6 other new friends. I have to mention that these people weren't rolling themselves.

Then there's girls. Now, girls like me. I have double the confidence and the ability to just be myself entirely. I feel like people who have talked to me while I'm rolling know the real me better then others.

Whenever I don't roll, I'm back to my old self. The average joe. He sits at the bar quietly, having an okay life, aloof and uninterested in the world.
Whenever I DO roll, I become super man. While the average joe is home after an okay night, superman is in the VIP section dancing his ass of not knowing how it'll end with TONS of opportunity.

I know this is dangerous thinking but eh, this is the way it works for me. Rolling opens up a better version of me and I become who I truly want to be, add up the euphoria, love and the bodyhigh, and this drug is litteraly too good for me to pass up. Sorry, I kind of forgot the reason I made this thread but I needed to vent...

 

[effingcustie]

Well I think having made that realization you should now start to think about how you can be the person you want to be (your 'rolling self' let's call it) without drugs. It may take some work, but it's worth it!

 

[Bearlove]

MDMA is simply a teaching tool - it has shown you 'who' you can be (only taken to the extreme). If you want to learn from the experience then you will no longer look at yourself as 'average joe' and understand that you are interesting / funny etc person.

You said yourself that when you got invited back to someones home - the other six people were not on Ecstasy.

Think to yourself what are the biggest changes that MDMA has on you - is this something in your persona / character that you could work on?

 

[SF2011]

Just take a break mate.

 

[Rolliepollieollie7]

Well I think having made that realization you should now start to think about how you can be the person you want to be (your 'rolling self' let's call it) without drugs. It may take some work, but it's worth it!

Exactly it, MDMA is about discovery, the key is to take the lessons you learned and apply them to life without the drug.

 

[Folley]

If you keep using it often you wont be like that anymore

youll start to lose some cognitive ability and not to mention your emotions will go crazy because there is nothing to control them. One minute youll be pissed as hell, the next all you can think about is how much of a shitty person you are

I would just stop now before you fuck something that awesome up, youll save yourself a lot of trouble

 

[Necr0sis]

^they are right. After my first roll I was amazed. I wanted to do it in the very same week again, it was how I was introduced to the drug. I sought nothing more than experiencing it again, but after extensuve research I decided to wqait it out. No matter how much I craved only because I value my health more than an an experience that I kno will damage me in such a way.

2nd time was a month later, I noticed this time the person I was rolling became a bit more than I normally am, more confident, nd every time after it was the same. It became more and more of me. I am awesome and have absolutely nothing to be shy about as I'm sure everyone else in here is.

Anyway after 9 uses of the drug I've lost a lot of interest in because I believe I've gained as much I could from it. Its a beautiful life but if u live it day by day you will wake up one day to find it a bore. Not to mention all the physical damage your doing to urself.

~Stay Safe

 

[rave_itsrealfun!!!]

Dude as a fellow roller I see the logic in that as mdma too makes me a much better person and I become 'superman' as you say. But I really don't think that using it regularly is going to lead you to the desired social effect in the long term. By doing it often you will eventually face a different response to the drug since it will begin changing your body. The harsh chemical is not doing good to your body - a wide variety of long lasting nasty side effects on the body and mind have been reported by frequent rollers and it most likely kills brain matter. And I don't think too many people would agree that the mdma high gets better the more you use it, it often gets much worse. Imagine it just became another high to you and there was no more superman? It usually takes many rolls before side effects are noticed by the user, but you may find yourself gradually falling into a less stable state that is exceedingly difficult to recover from.

The MDMA experience at first opens new doors in your mind and essentially shows you the light. But the transitory nature of the drug will never allow you to attain that state of bliss on a permanent basis and I believe in fact that repetition of the experience is not going to help and may in fact hinder spiritual growth because it is very important for the body to be healthy. A roll is a hell of a lot to ask of your body for a night of bliss. Reported side effects of a drug are often the emotional opposites of the feelings experienced on the drug itself, so you may find your sober self drifting further and further away from your rolling self.

I found it was self regulating however - after using it 30 or so times I lost the desire to use it anymore. Not that the rolls were getting any worse, I was just beginning to realize that this stuff wasn't the Godsend I had initially thought it was. I was beginning to feel a lot more like I was getting high off a crazy drug in order to activate my true inner self (instead of seeing only the positives of the experience at first), and that it was a shame I couldn't activate my inner self without the use of a very strong toxic chemical.

I study eastern mysticism and practice yoga and meditate and I believe that if I ever attain the state of mind known as enlightenment I will certainly interact socially with people in the same positive light that I have while rolling. So I work on being highly self aware and compassionate, and on facing inner subconscious issues through taking mushrooms or lsd. I choose to constantly work at myself instead of repeatedly getting high off a toxic drug that can fuck me in truly horrible ways in order to reach my goal of being a better person

 

[dezz]

I'm well informed of the toxicity of these drugs, mainly due to bluelight. If I found out earlier I never would have used it once a week..
It's just really strange that I had to find all the negative information about these drugs on the internet.
My friends made it seem like regular drinking, like we could pop some pills any time we liked.

It's just not my friend's either. I see tons of the same people rolling week in week out, and I'm not even talking about clubs, these are regular bar's/cafe's.
These people seem absolutly FINE in their day to day life. I have a friend in her 30's who rolls once a week/month since she was 17, and she's the happiest person I know.

I go on here and all I see are nightmare situations about permanent brain damage/depression/anxiety/DP/DR etc.
I know how bad anxiety and panic attacks can make you feel, I've suffered a year from them after I had a major panic attack while high. I never fully snapped out of it until I rolled for the first time.

I'm just wondering maybe some people's body's can handle it better then others? For instance a friend of mine still feels different after his third roll which is now 5 months ago, but I know people rolling once a week who are more "stable" then him so to speak. How is this possible?

 

[dopiate]

Do you think its worth that risk? What happens if you're not one of those people (if that is even true)?

I completely understand how easy it is to rationalize use. I try and picture a time where I later realized how stupid something was and let that power me to make good decisions in the present.

 

[georgewc2001]

Someone who didn't do drugs once said to me while I was rolling and trying to convince them to try it "It's not real. It's a drug. What you're feeling isn't real." It didn't make sense to me then. It actually didn't make sense until years later when I hadn't rolled for almost a year. I mean it made sense, but I wasn't able to really grasp it. Think about it OP...then think about it again later.

 

[Splinterguitar69]

I don't entirely think you have a problem, but you are simply on your "honeymoon" with the drug.

I used twice a month for about 5 months and I definitely paid for it. As others have said, MDMA takes you to a place in your mind where eveything is okay. WHY you feel everything is okay is VERY real. You just need to bring these lessons outward and also learn to look inward in the same fashion as you do on MDMA. Before my first MDMA experience, I was a lot like you describe yourself to be: Self inflicted lack of friends, judgemental of myself and those around me, and let a lot of my regrets in life get the best of me. During my first roll I realized that these things I just do to myself, I really am a good smart person who is capable of anything I set my mind to, and most importantly, my life is no more or less precious than the lives of all of those around you.

Those are very sensible realizations I was able to bring ack to the real world and use. Now I'm going back to school for psychology and sociology studying the socio-economic link between violent criminals, their horrible pat experiences, and where they fit in society in terms of income. I'm out to better the world, and I owe much of it to me experiences with MDMA and other psychedelics.

You aren't a different or better person when you roll. You are just more in touch with this person hidden inside you by your own mental barriers. My suggestion to you my friend is take a break. Let your system work back up. Then take MDMA again when you feel that your body and mind are ready and contemplate these concepts I and everyone here are presenting to you, and how you can take them back into the real world with you. And I'm not pushing a belief system on to you, but realy consider taking up some of what the Dalai Lama et al has to say about these concepts. My favorite being: "Old friends pass away, new friends appear. It's just like the days. An old day passes and a new one arrives. The important thing is to make it meaningful: a meanignful friend - or a meaningful day"

 

[Folley]

If you use it correctly the "honeymoon" period lasts your whole life.

 

[Darksidesam]

My friends made it seem like regular drinking, like we could pop some pills any time we liked.

Same,
Its such a shame that the General Public AND
even most of the regular users are so misinformed and misunderstand what these substances and chemicals do to our brains.

Lol.

Getting offered a pill on the way home after a rave,,, and getting on it
Lol.. thinking back now, I was so clever to say no