Forgotten Figures

[RareForm]

needs work:

You scorch me with visions of golgotha-lay
Tossed into ashes in wake of reality
Your heart condemns me apparently
Though you wish it not be for me
I dream up nightmares constantly

Center the writ
Enter the whip
And tell me when
I'm breaking you down
Into a pessimist like me
You'll have to believe
I've forgotten how to see

Forgive my mind for shunning disease
While you are loving I slowly bleed
A skeptic mind's intoxication has ceased
Entranced in a demented vulnerability
But my intentions have always been free

We were tossed away in a bucket of sorrow
Too late to remember when we were
So alive and flying high

Center the writ
Enter the whip
And tell me when
I'm breaking you down
Into a pessimist like me
You'll have to believe
I've forgotten how to dream

 

[cherub]

seems like you are working through some stuff

I like it,, how is this rough or needs work ????

explain ??

 

[RareForm]

thanks.

i just think some of the words are bland. i don't really like the 2nd/5th part.

 

[cherub]

you don't like the second and 5th why cause they aren't smooth >>> I like them cause they aren't a flow they make you think about what you wrote.

sometimes too smooth you dont digest as much,,


lol it is good for you..

 

[Jimmy the Gun]

nice rhymes!

 

[RareForm]

^:D

 

[Altered_Soul9]

we were tossed into a bucket of sorrow

I love this line and you know why. Your slump is far gone my friend and this piece needs no work. VERY VERY NICE