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For the opiate feens....Do you live to get high?

For me, from the moment I opened my eyes in the morning, all I thought about was getting high. All day long, every day my thoughts were all about getting high. Now I think about not getting high, and how not to.
 
Back in my heavy IV heroin days, fuck yeah I was doing everything and anything so I could get high. it was the only reason I had to live. It got so bad me and my ex decided we were both going to just OD and end it. But once I got the 2 1/2 bundles (it was fire too) I was thinkin and I'm holding all this heroin and I'm like fuck yeah =D lets get high!!!

So of course we were going to get high before going through with our plan. Then once I got high I thought why would I want to kill myself? Things weren't that bad after getting high...and I still had years to keep on using. So at that time heroin was really my only reason to keep living. It even talked me out of suicide which in turn ended our bullshit romeo and juliet heroin drama. We both got arrested a few days later and haven't talked since. We both kicked cold turkey in a fuckin jail cell w/o ANY medication, 23 hours a day in a cell. I did that for like 10 days until they moved me to a dormitory. But from there I did choose rehab over more jail and did 1 1/2 year probation. Bupe/inpatient/outpatient/halfway house/aa kept me sober for like 10 or 11 months. But once I realized my PO wasn't going to drug test me, I started using again. For the last 12 months of my probation I probably reported to probation like 3 or 4 times and I was doing "e-mail check ins" every month. I REALLY got lucky with my PO, but I was doing all the right things, completing all the programs, work and college. So he probably just didn't care

Now that I think about it the only reason I don't off myself is probably sex, drugs and other things I want to experience.
 
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Ech, such a nasty qestion LK. That's what starts to come up in your head when you're sober. Do I live for dope?

I don't know. I'd like to think I live in spite of dope, as well as I can with dope. If I had my way I would be fine with a shot of heroin in the morning and one at night. You know, if the US had heroin programs like the swiss. The swiss are some sharp motherfuckers about lots of things, drugs only one of them.

So yes and no. I still can appreciate other pleasures. I still read all I can, cook as much good food as possible, enjoy small pleasures, like a cigarette and a coffee or seeing someone you haven't in a while. But since I spend so much time going after dope, it's like a half-life. Or perhaps fugue state. I coast through life enjoying things as much as possible, heroin included, but the method of my addiction is what constricts me most.

And I should mention come September I'm gonna find out what I live for. I start school and fuck if I want to pay off the student loans I've got with my shitty junkie credit because I drop out and never graduate. Fuck. Hoping to cut it to methadone in the morning and then homework, then take out car for dope. Know it doesn't work that way tho..
 
I dont think i live to get high. i enjoy other things, although rare. nowadays i never even go out. just go to work, come home, maybe drive around for a bit or something. since i moved from PA to FL a year ago and got on poppies 9 months ago i've turned into a reclouse (sp?) of sorts.

still though, i take a break now and then, either forced or by choice. only about a week or 2 but its better than nothing. i also find i have to force myself to get high sometimes just because i dont feel like it. dont want to get sick though.

i enjoy little things, like what im getting for dinner. sometimes ill eat cereal, sometimes ill get 40 dollars worth of sushi. im not fat but i enjoy eating good food. i like to cook and work as a cook so that is something else i enjoy. when im sober ill do stuff like work on my car, maybe buy a book, get into a video game, etc. now when im high though i dont do any of that shit. the only thing i treat myself to now besides drugs is good food. usually i have off on weekends and ill get something good or make a nice dinner. thats about it though.

i was into an online game a month ago. got obsessed with it for about 3 weeks then kinda faded out. back to doin nothin.

living to get high is depressing. i live to live i guess. i work so i have money, pay rent, run out of money and keep working to do it all again next month. nothing saved up since i spend it all and my rent is expensive. basically i live to make enough money to be able to continue living. i should really do something about that but i like my job. money (and obviously money=drugs) is not the biggest factor in my life.

thank god i love cooking. if i had a job where i just sat around doing some BS or stocking shelves, i probably would live to get high.

hard to read probably :)
 
Pretty much yes. I've been thinkin a lot about this subject lately. I'm at a strange very stagnet place in life and gettin high is the one thing i truely love. It's the only time i'm happy. Heroin filled that void in my life that had been there for so long. Ive done every drug under the sun but when i had that first warm lovely shot of h i knew that was it. fuck everything else. i will sleep in a cardboard box and as long as i have my dope i will be happy. well that and cigarettes.

i mean i have a boyfriend i love to death. hes been my best friend and runnin buddy for two years now, he gave me my first shot of h, and i love the shit outta him but i think i love dope more. i only love life when im high. i'm vibrant and outgoing and passionate when high and depressed as fuck when im not. it makes no sense to my family why i keep doin this shit to myself and im sure it never will.

ive been wonderin lately if my life like it is is even worth living. dont get me wrong im not gonna off myself but i dont know how long i can keep goin like this and i sure as fuck dont know how to change anything.

i live for the days i get to ride in the car with my love, high as fuck, sun shinin, blastin some good tunes and even better dope, just smilin and laughin. that to me is absolute perfection. i dont give a fuck about anything else.

being an addict is the thing in life ive been most successful at. even though its put me in a deep fuckin hole i wouldnt change a thing. the times im high give me enough relief to keep goin like i am and enough motivation to keep tryin to hold shit together even though im sure its really all fallin apart. i dunno. those are my random jumbled thoughts on it.
 
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I dont use everyday. partly because of cost issues and partly because i dont want to become physically dependent.


but knowing i might nod out in the next few days just gives me a real happy feeling. knowing i will have much gratification and satisfaction soon. it gives me something to look forward to
 
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