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Female friend that I text a lot with

64tf

64tf

Bluelighter
Joined
Nov 5, 2002
Messages
3,596
Location
Columbus Oh
I have a friend that I text almost daily with. We dated like 12 years ago, but it's completely platonic now, and she live on the West Coast far far away from Ohio. It was really helpful during my divorce because she had no connection to my ex wife and it gave me a private person to vent to and know it would stay private. It's nice. I know her history. She knows mine. We don't bullshit each other. We talk about work, family, dating, the usual stuff.

Here's where the problem comes in. Whenever I start dating somebody it doesn't take long for them to notice I text with some girl a lot. My policy thus far as been to be real honest and open about who it is. I point out that this person is a 6 hour plane ride away, and we have no interest in one another dating wise. It doesn't go well. The last girl I dated would get pissed whenever my phone notification went off. She was crazy, but I can tell the other women I've dated didn't like it either. I'm not really sure how to manage this. I don't want to stop talking to her, but I don't want this to be a problem going forward. I've thought about changing her contact name to a guys name, and not being so open about who it is, but that really isn't my style.
 
if it was me I wouldn't compromise my honesty because the girl im going out with is paranoid

you have nothing to hide, so I cant see why you should have to hide it

there's nothing wrong with having a friend of the other gender, in fact I applaude you for it.
 
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If you want this friendship to continue--then you need to find a woman who is going to accept the friendship. Hiding it will only damage relationships in the long run. I think you just have to practice on how you introduce this friend to potential partners. When you get a text, share it with them (only a few--you shouldn't do this all the time but just to show them that it's innocent). Make them feel included and explain a little bit about what you guys are talking about. How long you've known this person--she's like a sister. You and her are really close--siblings from another mother! Tell the girl that you told your friend about how wonderful she was, etc. You want your girl to know that this friend KNOWS of your relationship with her. But make sure you stress the importance of a family-like bond with this girl to stress the importance of her but also strictly platonic.

I don't know if you should mention that you talked with her during your divorce because it kind of gives off a "the other woman" type of vibe or even mention that you dated her before. Don't lie but save it for another time. :)
 
Are your sure these girls are getting mad just because you are texting another girl?
Or are they fucking annoyed because you are constantly texting someone when you are with them, who just so happens to be another girl whom you dated?

There's a bit of a difference between the two.

Just from my OWN personal experiences, I can tell you that I get annoyed if I am with someone, let's say out to dinner and he is texting or constantly looking at his phone. It isn't the fact of WHO it is with, it's the fact that it's just plain fucking rude. I just feel whatever it is, can WAIT an hour or so.
And don't get me wrong- I'm guilty of texting- but because I know how annoying it is if I am going out with someone I'll leave my phone in the car or sometimes even at home. I used to put it on silent, but I still found myself checking it- so by not carrying it on me eliminated the problem all together.

You are obviously not serious with these girls that you are dating, or what have you- so if you are just going to be chillin' with them for a few hours out of the night, or whatever, give them the respect and let THEM have your time. And save the texting and gossip with your gal pal afterwards.
 
^

you cant really assume that he is glued to his phone on romantic dates, texting his ex of 12 years, based on his OP
 
I try to be polite with my phone. This isn't something that comes up on the first few dates. I dated the last girl for 3 months. She was at my house all the time. Whenever I sent a text she asked who it was. She was really nutty about it, but that's a whole other story. Pretty_Diamonds, makes some good points.
 
Your friendship isn't the problem, it's the girls you're dating.
 
iLoveYouWithaKnife said:
Are your sure these girls are getting mad just because you are texting another girl?
Or are they fucking annoyed because you are constantly texting someone when you are with them, who just so happens to be another girl whom you dated?
Click to expand...

That's what I was wondering too. Weird that it's 2 girls in a row over texting a girl on the other side of the country and she is just a friend from 12 years ago. I dated a guy whose best friend is a female, and I knew she wanted more from him. I could smell it, but I also trusted him and knew that he was not attracted to her, so I never got upset over it. Mannnn, she was a little shithead to me though.

But, he also never texted her at all hours when he was with me, which is what I'm guessing is happening here. That would be annoying.
 
Hard to say, some days none, but if we get on some topic like we did yesterday it might be 50. I'm a chatty bitch. It's not uncommon for me to get into long chats with a lot of people. I wouldn't do that if I was hanging out with someone IRL. I didn't have anything going on yesterday so I chatted with a bunch of people, and burned up some time on BL while watching TV.

The previous girlfriend didn't make a big deal out of it. She was younger and texted as much as I did. The only reason I knew this bugged her was that she asked some off the wall questions when we broke up like, "Is *insert name* moving back here?*. That really took me by surprise.

Honestly in my experience women don't like it when you talk to other women regardless of the context. Before we got married moderating BL use to drive my now ex wife crazy. I stepped down in large part so I wouldn't have to listen to her complain about it. It didn't matter that most of the people I talked to on here lived on the other side of the world.
 
whoah that sounds possessive (ex wife mod issues).

if i was seeing someone who texted their ex 50 times a day on occasion i would find it odd and i'm a man. thats too much mental attachment. how could you not feel like this other person was taking away your boyfriends attention...
 
I realize that sounds odd, but it's not uncommon for me to text/chat like that. Get me on the right topic po, and I'll text all day with ya:) I have several guy friends I text a lot with too.
 
64tf said:
I have a friend that I text almost daily with. We dated like 12 years ago, but it's completely platonic now, and she live on the West Coast far far away from Ohio. It was really helpful during my divorce because she had no connection to my ex wife and it gave me a private person to vent to and know it would stay private. It's nice. I know her history. She knows mine. We don't bullshit each other. We talk about work, family, dating, the usual stuff.

Here's where the problem comes in. Whenever I start dating somebody it doesn't take long for them to notice I text with some girl a lot. My policy thus far as been to be real honest and open about who it is. I point out that this person is a 6 hour plane ride away, and we have no interest in one another dating wise. It doesn't go well. The last girl I dated would get pissed whenever my phone notification went off. She was crazy, but I can tell the other women I've dated didn't like it either. I'm not really sure how to manage this. I don't want to stop talking to her, but I don't want this to be a problem going forward. I've thought about changing her contact name to a guys name, and not being so open about who it is, but that really isn't my style.
Click to expand...

Find someone who understands or change the name

good friends > girlfriends
 
64tf said:
I realize that sounds odd, but it's not uncommon for me to text/chat like that. Get me on the right topic po, and I'll text all day with ya:) I have several guy friends I text a lot with too.
Click to expand...

too many free texts. i can understand a long phone call but lots of texts is more inefficient of your time than simply talking
 
I've gotten shit for my bl time and I just tell people that I have no interest in TV so I internets. Most people watch tv and it just does not hold my interest for long. I use it to fall asleep. Lol I totally know where you are coming from with the wife bugging you about bl. BL has the combo of funny and interesting so it holds my interest and others don't always understand that. It's either that or coding which sticks me at least in front of a lappy lol. That's just never gonna change with me.

So about the girls, from the shell of your post I don't understand the issue with the girls. Some girls are really insecure about it and in their defense sometimes it can be a red flag. It depends on the guy and its a judgement call. I think you can pick up on if there is something more, but I'm the type to be quiet and not bitch about it and be more observant than automatically assume the worst. I typically assume its fine unless there is something that catches my interest. There is just so much more you can get out of people by being observant instead of being a screamer. But some girls assume the worst and you can't walk into any relationship making demands about the guy's friends.

For instance my sister dated a guy where it started with him having a girlfriend and he and my sister were "just friends." There was absolutely something more there and the GF was right in not liking it. It's probably why my sister thinks I'm completely naive for not being upset about male-female friendships, but again it was obvious that there was something more and the guy was a douche anyway. Lol

So really, if you're not being that guy who is texting at dinner then I don't see why the girls are being weird unless you are saying something that is sending flags.
 
pofacedhoe said:
too many free texts. i can understand a long phone call but lots of texts is more inefficient of your time than simply talking
Click to expand...

Totally disagree, I hate long calls. I can reply to texts through out the day when it works for me between tasks. A phone call requires my undivided attention, and that's hard to come by with work and a 6 year old. I have unlimited texting so it doesn't cost anything.

I understand being worried about your SO developing a relationship with someone and cheating. It certainly happens. My ex's cheating caused the end of my marriage. I have some trust issues of my own that I have to deal with. However I think it's a pretty safe deal if the person I'm talking to is no where near my location. It's not like I'm going to get drunk, and take a 6 hour plane ride for some strange ass:) The counter agrument seems to be that it's "emotional cheating". The more I hear people say emotional cheating the more I think it's just a control tactic.

*Thinking to self* I really made a lot of changes in who I talked to when I got married. I shifted my focus to male friends, and friends that were married. I did that mostly to appease my wife's insecurities. I'm pretty bitter about how that worked out. I wonder if my response is overly defensive when I think someone is trying to control who I talk too.
 
Mmh...I mean I guess it's normal for them to feel a bit insecure about it because I mean, no matter how you look at it you are texting an old girlfriend a lot (even if she lives far away), and to be fair it could be a bad sign. It's obvious you don't have bad intentions though and if you haven't given these girls a reason to distrust you, with this or in general, then they shouldn't be so upset about it.
I don't feel great about saying this but honestly I'd just kinda try to keep it discreet with the next person...I dunno, I never text when I'm with people so tbh they'd never know if I was texting someone a lot, and that includes ex-boyfriends. How did your exes even find out about it btw?
 
My phone would beep and she would say, "Who's that?". I'd look and tell her. It made her so edgy I got in the habit of muting my phone all the time so she would never hear it beep. My phone gets a huge amount of traffic. Lot's of friends, and work. It is a real pain in the ass. I don't always like it either so I'm happy to turn off the ringer and ignore it if I'm with someone IRL. There are times when I can't do that. I have to answer my phone at certain times for work and family stuff. I jokingly say that if I don't answer my phone for an hour the worlds asshole falls off.
 
Oh okay...that's kinda clingy on her part. Well, as I said, I'd just try to not have it so much in the open that you text your ex...which sounds underhanded but considering how these girls have reacted, and considering you don't have any bad intentions anyway, is probably the best thing to do.
 
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