Feel as though I'm always 'chasing the next high' but still want to get high

[Harambulus]

I feel my 'drug use' is pretty controlled and when I thought about it I was thinking it's more of a light hobby for me. You could hardly call me a 'drug user' for the little amount I take them and many reading this may think I'm making a mountain out of a molehill. I only take drugs prob like every 3-4 months where I'll test out a new drug and hit it consistently for a bit till I get fed up of it/I find side effects I don't like then go looking for another one. It's not that I want to try different drugs but I am looking for one that suits me- i.e. a dopamine blaster with little comedown.

The 'hobbyist' aspect has become always searching for the high that suits my fancy the most and I'm very discriminating about what I like.

That is 'ok' you may say but I realized that if I don't find a high 'in time' for my usual schedule I get restless and irritable and start making up justifications why I 'should' have one- I haven't had fun in a while, people don't understand me, I MUST have a release! etc. etc.

So in some senses it could be deemed 'healthy' that I hardly take them at all but on the other hand I find it a nuisance that this is somewhat of a dependence to 'get off'.

I'm not sure what the ideal is here because I feel like I'm 'cheating myself' if I go for total abstinence (the itch is still there unscratched) but also I don't want to feel like I am being controlled by the desire to get high.

One of the main things that irritates me is that I sort of take little risks or to put better make compromises I wouldn't otherwise to try and get drugs- speaking to someone I don't like just to try and get something from them. That or meeting some 'shady' fellow who treats you like an object (I sound like an old whore heh) and the like, it is sort of a little self esteem hit knowing I'm doing it just to get drugs.

These are minute compared to what some people do but my point is I think to myself if I didn't want to get this drug it would cause me alot less hasstle. It's like I'm 'putting myself out' a little. I usually spends loads of time doing 'costs benefit' analyses of these situations. I think alot, can you tell? It's not even so much the health risks of it which I'd not take them if they are bad but more that I have to go out of my way to try and get some drug due to poor supplies so it feels like more hassle than it's worth.

So in that same vein once I get an idea for my 'next experiment' I will be hunting around and keep being preoccupied with it till I try it.

I was like this with MPA and when I found it had an aweful comedown I threw it out but within a week I was looking into trying crack cocaine as my reasoning was that this will offer me the things that mpa did not.

I don't know if my 'chasing' is totally flawed (in the sense that -you'll never find something to satisfy you- grass is always greener deal) in that my drug use has become more refined through HR and experimentation (maybe another weak rationalization :D?) and I have a much better idea of what I like.

I don't think that it's that I want to stop taking drugs altogether, not yet anyway, it's more that I want to feel less NEEDY to get them and have it be more of a having options deal. I want to stop them through losing my desire for them not cos I have to force myself to stop.

I certainly don't get the cravings with the sense of urgency I used to get when I was younger. I think this is a result of having a more balanced life in general so I am pretty sure if I keep doing what I've been doing these urges will become less but I still would like to find a better 'middle ground' in the interim.

I have been aware of this for a while and have since been trying to get into non drug stuff again like computer games. They provide a minor relief but not to a fully satisfactory degree. From my experience sex (not just sex but hanging out with a girl I like in general) is the only thing which can adequately wipe out my thinking I want to get high and give me the contentment I desire cos to me it feels JUST like taking coke and dopamine is my big penchant. So sure girls can make me fulfilled but again getting them 'on tap' isn't so consistent that I could jump from this one dependence to the other yet :D. I'm always working on that 'area' but it's not ideal yet hence my 'urges' to fill the gap. I guess I'm a product of post-modernism in that I feel I HAVE to have constant stimulation or I feel like I'm dying little by little >_<.

I bought some weed this week after hating it for years but thought I'd give it another look. I think this could be helpful cos it's in plentiful supply and it's nice and mild. Also cause it makes me 'lazy' I think if I get back into it then it might get ride of some of my 'pangs' for other more hard to get/less healthy drugs as I simply won't give a shit .

Thoughts?

 

[n3ophy7e]

Hi Harambulus, firstly, how old are you? And how long has this fascination with drugs been going on for? I think to some degree an obsession with trying new drugs is reasonably harmless but you do have to be very wary of addiction potential and the negative impact it can have on many aspects of your life. From your post you seem to be in control of the situation even though you're worried it could get out of control. I remember when I was massively in to drugs (mainly MDMA, and whatever else I could get my hands on) I was obsessed with drugs as well. It was fun for a while but there are SOO many other more rewarding things to be obsessed with.

I agree with you that this generation feel the need for that constant stimulation but it also sounds like you're possibly running/hiding from something within yourself?? Do you think there's any merit to that comment? Are you avoiding dealing with any issues you have about yourself or your life?

 

[Harambulus]

Thanks for reply.

I'm 27 now and prob being taking them on and off since I was 16. There have been periods when I've been totally not interested in them but the past few years have seen an 'upswing' in my interest.

I think the only thing I'd say I were 'hiding' from would be existential angst :D which gets less and less the more productive I become with my life.

I have thought alot about whether I am using them as an 'escape' or not and I'd say sort of but think what's wrong with that at least in the short term so long as I am still working on myself. I never let them impede my progress as that is unacceptable to me.

As I mentioned in the OP the 'craving' has got alot less over the years as my life has improved overall yet I still enjoy to have them now and then as a 'pressure release'.

I see them as an effective short term remedy to relieve stress. I use them similar to how most 9-5ers drink a couple times a week. I think drink is soooo shit a 'buzz' (unless in accompaniment with other drugs) so to me I just think I am having a more 'high class' high albeit less often :D.

I take the drugs at the time for the things which I feel I lack, i.e I took shrooms at one point to try to get rid of the ego and better understand it. I got some fine lessons from that but I now have no desire to try them again after 'pushing my edge' one time on them and finding my boundaries.

Atm I am interested in dopamine drugs (and in general this is my 'penchant' of all the drugs) to feel like a 'special snowflake' :D. So I know it is just a stop gap but an effective one to validate me in the short term.

Not only that but I also take them to get a more phenomenologically clear idea at what I'm shooting for. I find when doing dreary day to day things which are going to be good in the long term one can forget why you are doing it but if I take something that makes me feel like a champ it reminds me that this is the feeling I am shooting for but without drugs (again, might seem like an elaborate rationalization to do drugs but I think it is more than that and is a valid justification at least in part).

So basically yeah I'd love to feel awesome all the time without having to rely on a drug but don't yet. So I'm always working on that with a mind to always be improving to 'get rid of the crutches' so to speak.

I don't really think I could let drugs 'take me over' because I do feel really strongly about the long term goal thing and get really angry if I find something is 'eating away' at that. Thing is I dunno if I could say the same if I tried crack again and liked it alot. I could say I'm pretty sure it would still be the case because everything else, all of my habits, are against wanting to piss my time away so unless it totally turned me into another person without reasoning skill I don't see how that would happen. I understand one might lose their reasoning capacity somewhat if overdoing it whilst under the influence but not after. I always like to take little enough of a drug that I have control over myself.

 

[McTwist]

The only thing that takes away my "need" or desire to get high is focusing my energy onto something else (school, musical instruments, friends, etc.) Simply doing things and being around good people make me feel great. If I've had a good productive day, that feeling as if I have to smoke weed or ingest JWH (my main concern) is nullified so much that I'll internally slap myself for thinking about it. Running out of weed has left me in a situation where I can get high on the various JWH's I've acquired, but fears of long term effects and possible toxicity with prolonged use always weigh in on my mind, helping to limit my intake of synthetic cannabinoids. This is usually the same with all drugs besides weed (which I have no concerns smoking daily).

What are your hobbies? Find something you like to do and develop your skill in that area. I'm beginning to reintroduce myself into guitar after having neglected my instrument for so long. I've also been pleasure reading a lot lately which is one thing I cannot do on drugs. Basically, I'm trying to immerse myself in feeling good without external chemicals. Working out is an excellent way to feel great naturally, as well as eating healthy.

I'm the same way as you, except seven years younger. At times I feel almost obsessed with drugs and I know that that is not a healthy thing to be obsessed with. But then I look at my drug use, especially in comparison with others, and I find that I really haven't been abusing drugs much or even really doing myself harm (except mentally perhaps). When I calculated my intake of JWH compounds, even with occasional daily use, my consumption has been less than 20mg a day, less than 100mg a week. When I read of others ingesting a gram every three days I think to myself in a reassuring tone, "you haven't gone that far, and you never will as long you as make the effort to abstain from heavy use" I will never let a drug control me like that and I will never place myself in a position where my drug use can get out of control.

Last year a lot of partying took place, a lot of LSD and MDMA consumed (according to my standards). But when I look back, maybe those 15 times I've eaten MDxx was too much, yes certainly it was, and even the days I ate a lot L, but I realized this and have since come to limiting my use. In fact, my goal this year is to not consume any MDxx at all, for the whole year and possibly for a while after that too. I paid the price after I became horribly depressed for a week, and was left mentally unstable, thinking suicidal thoughts, pervading hopelessness, etc.

Once shit hit the fan, I realized that my mental health was beginning to deteriorate and I restricted my use. My life and my health is worth much more than feeling good. It seems most people at some point in their life come to a similar realization, as you seem to have had also. The only option for you is to be honest with yourself as to make an honest appraisal about your drug use. Find hobbies, examine your goals and focus on making them reality. Stay true to your path, get high, but at the end of the day, make sure what you're doing is really what you want to be doing, and not some depraved delusion on account of going to far with substance abuse. I'd also advise you not to try crack, as I know first hand the havoc it wreaks on a person's life. There are some drugs that certain people just need to leave alone.

 

[Harambulus]

That's the thing.

Women would be my main 'passion'. I love them over anything else however I am not at a point where I could get pussy on tap (and I don't believe in talk of 'the one', there are lots of 'one's' sure but I'm too young for that stuff currently) but I'm always working on that.

So basically I find everything else boring except girls and girls being a contrary bunch I find that almost as bad as relying on drugs to get high. It can certainly be harder to get girls than drugs if you aren't in the right 'headspace', and only relying on girls to get high (and not getting them) creates a viscous cycle. I certainly don't want this thread to turn into a 'handy tips for dating' thread though lol, as I am very much on top of that in that I feel I'm doing all in my power in the 'relationship' area it's just these things take time whereas I want to get high NOW and I don't have any other interests.

Lol, your post reminded me alot of myself . Especially the mdma thing where I had a recent '3 day binge' and spent a week weeping in apparent (at the time) hopelessness at the futility of my existence while listening to sad violin music on youtube :D.

Since then I too had been trying to get back into other things besides drugs such as computer games- though I find these a pretty throwaway thing which don;t entertain me for that long. I've also started a new business which has been good in terms of being productive and feeling like I've done something worthwhile but doesn't really get me buzzing yet, though certainly it's a long term thing and I'ma keep working on it. I think the most rewarding things will take the longest which I'm fine with it's just that I really want a buzz in the interim.

In terms of knowing my path I think I do overall and it goes like this... My path is to be high as much of the time as I can but ALSO in as healthy manner as possible so both of these values being of equal importance I think ensures somewhat of a 'safety measure' on what would otherwise be rampant, wreck-less hedonism. Instead it ensures overall hedonism (which is actually what the term entails when the original guys made up the name/philosphy).

As an aside I'm actually trying to get back into weed myself atm as I feel it would be the lesser of the evils. I enjoyed a little vape the other day but I don't think it will be totally satisfactory to scratch the itch though I can see it being a comfortable regular for the short term to do a couple times a week to chill out and to bring me back to base from taking other things and for my quiet days to chill with.

 

[n3ophy7e]

Hi hillsman, it's not a good idea to post your email address in a public forum so you might wanna edit that out (the edit button is on the bottom right hand corner of your post).

Aside from that, welcome to Bluelight Sorry to hear you're struggling with your drug use. Have you ever had any counselling/therapy?? It really sounds like you're trying to seek escape via drugs, which may explain why you essentially take whatever you can get your hands on. Particularly the fact that you choose to take your kids' medications which are obviously intended for medical conditions they have, this really indicates something is not right with your and your situation. Is there anything in particular which troubles you about your life?