Harambulus
Greenlighter
I feel my 'drug use' is pretty controlled and when I thought about it I was thinking it's more of a light hobby for me. You could hardly call me a 'drug user' for the little amount I take them and many reading this may think I'm making a mountain out of a molehill. I only take drugs prob like every 3-4 months where I'll test out a new drug and hit it consistently for a bit till I get fed up of it/I find side effects I don't like then go looking for another one. It's not that I want to try different drugs but I am looking for one that suits me- i.e. a dopamine blaster with little comedown.
The 'hobbyist' aspect has become always searching for the high that suits my fancy the most and I'm very discriminating about what I like.
That is 'ok' you may say but I realized that if I don't find a high 'in time' for my usual schedule I get restless and irritable and start making up justifications why I 'should' have one- I haven't had fun in a while, people don't understand me, I MUST have a release! etc. etc.
So in some senses it could be deemed 'healthy' that I hardly take them at all but on the other hand I find it a nuisance that this is somewhat of a dependence to 'get off'.
I'm not sure what the ideal is here because I feel like I'm 'cheating myself' if I go for total abstinence (the itch is still there unscratched) but also I don't want to feel like I am being controlled by the desire to get high.
One of the main things that irritates me is that I sort of take little risks or to put better make compromises I wouldn't otherwise to try and get drugs- speaking to someone I don't like just to try and get something from them. That or meeting some 'shady' fellow who treats you like an object (I sound like an old whore heh) and the like, it is sort of a little self esteem hit knowing I'm doing it just to get drugs.
These are minute compared to what some people do but my point is I think to myself if I didn't want to get this drug it would cause me alot less hasstle. It's like I'm 'putting myself out' a little. I usually spends loads of time doing 'costs benefit' analyses of these situations. I think alot, can you tell? It's not even so much the health risks of it which I'd not take them if they are bad but more that I have to go out of my way to try and get some drug due to poor supplies so it feels like more hassle than it's worth.
So in that same vein once I get an idea for my 'next experiment' I will be hunting around and keep being preoccupied with it till I try it.
I was like this with MPA and when I found it had an aweful comedown I threw it out but within a week I was looking into trying crack cocaine as my reasoning was that this will offer me the things that mpa did not.
I don't know if my 'chasing' is totally flawed (in the sense that -you'll never find something to satisfy you- grass is always greener deal) in that my drug use has become more refined through HR and experimentation (maybe another weak rationalization :D?) and I have a much better idea of what I like.
I don't think that it's that I want to stop taking drugs altogether, not yet anyway, it's more that I want to feel less NEEDY to get them and have it be more of a having options deal. I want to stop them through losing my desire for them not cos I have to force myself to stop.
I certainly don't get the cravings with the sense of urgency I used to get when I was younger. I think this is a result of having a more balanced life in general so I am pretty sure if I keep doing what I've been doing these urges will become less but I still would like to find a better 'middle ground' in the interim.
I have been aware of this for a while and have since been trying to get into non drug stuff again like computer games. They provide a minor relief but not to a fully satisfactory degree. From my experience sex (not just sex but hanging out with a girl I like in general) is the only thing which can adequately wipe out my thinking I want to get high and give me the contentment I desire cos to me it feels JUST like taking coke and dopamine is my big penchant. So sure girls can make me fulfilled but again getting them 'on tap' isn't so consistent that I could jump from this one dependence to the other yet :D. I'm always working on that 'area' but it's not ideal yet hence my 'urges' to fill the gap. I guess I'm a product of post-modernism in that I feel I HAVE to have constant stimulation or I feel like I'm dying little by little >_<.
I bought some weed this week after hating it for years but thought I'd give it another look. I think this could be helpful cos it's in plentiful supply and it's nice and mild. Also cause it makes me 'lazy' I think if I get back into it then it might get ride of some of my 'pangs' for other more hard to get/less healthy drugs as I simply won't give a shit
.
Thoughts?
The 'hobbyist' aspect has become always searching for the high that suits my fancy the most and I'm very discriminating about what I like.
That is 'ok' you may say but I realized that if I don't find a high 'in time' for my usual schedule I get restless and irritable and start making up justifications why I 'should' have one- I haven't had fun in a while, people don't understand me, I MUST have a release! etc. etc.
So in some senses it could be deemed 'healthy' that I hardly take them at all but on the other hand I find it a nuisance that this is somewhat of a dependence to 'get off'.
I'm not sure what the ideal is here because I feel like I'm 'cheating myself' if I go for total abstinence (the itch is still there unscratched) but also I don't want to feel like I am being controlled by the desire to get high.
One of the main things that irritates me is that I sort of take little risks or to put better make compromises I wouldn't otherwise to try and get drugs- speaking to someone I don't like just to try and get something from them. That or meeting some 'shady' fellow who treats you like an object (I sound like an old whore heh) and the like, it is sort of a little self esteem hit knowing I'm doing it just to get drugs.
These are minute compared to what some people do but my point is I think to myself if I didn't want to get this drug it would cause me alot less hasstle. It's like I'm 'putting myself out' a little. I usually spends loads of time doing 'costs benefit' analyses of these situations. I think alot, can you tell? It's not even so much the health risks of it which I'd not take them if they are bad but more that I have to go out of my way to try and get some drug due to poor supplies so it feels like more hassle than it's worth.
So in that same vein once I get an idea for my 'next experiment' I will be hunting around and keep being preoccupied with it till I try it.
I was like this with MPA and when I found it had an aweful comedown I threw it out but within a week I was looking into trying crack cocaine as my reasoning was that this will offer me the things that mpa did not.
I don't know if my 'chasing' is totally flawed (in the sense that -you'll never find something to satisfy you- grass is always greener deal) in that my drug use has become more refined through HR and experimentation (maybe another weak rationalization :D?) and I have a much better idea of what I like.
I don't think that it's that I want to stop taking drugs altogether, not yet anyway, it's more that I want to feel less NEEDY to get them and have it be more of a having options deal. I want to stop them through losing my desire for them not cos I have to force myself to stop.
I certainly don't get the cravings with the sense of urgency I used to get when I was younger. I think this is a result of having a more balanced life in general so I am pretty sure if I keep doing what I've been doing these urges will become less but I still would like to find a better 'middle ground' in the interim.
I have been aware of this for a while and have since been trying to get into non drug stuff again like computer games. They provide a minor relief but not to a fully satisfactory degree. From my experience sex (not just sex but hanging out with a girl I like in general) is the only thing which can adequately wipe out my thinking I want to get high and give me the contentment I desire cos to me it feels JUST like taking coke and dopamine is my big penchant. So sure girls can make me fulfilled but again getting them 'on tap' isn't so consistent that I could jump from this one dependence to the other yet :D. I'm always working on that 'area' but it's not ideal yet hence my 'urges' to fill the gap. I guess I'm a product of post-modernism in that I feel I HAVE to have constant stimulation or I feel like I'm dying little by little >_<.
I bought some weed this week after hating it for years but thought I'd give it another look. I think this could be helpful cos it's in plentiful supply and it's nice and mild. Also cause it makes me 'lazy' I think if I get back into it then it might get ride of some of my 'pangs' for other more hard to get/less healthy drugs as I simply won't give a shit

Thoughts?