feedback for my writing

[opiatedreams]

So I decided to actually write something for once, and I would like to know what you guys think about it...
Things you like/dislike, your thoughts about the overall poem, etc.

......

Swimming through a river of shit
is the route that I must take.
Walking across the bridge overhead
is reserved for all the liars, cheaters, and fakes.

Nothing tastes better
than your momma’s apple pie
if, for the past two months,
you’ve eaten only cold beans and rice.
There’s no way to improve
the dinner that you eat
when you feast like a king
every day of your life.

I don’t like to suffer,
and I don’t like to cry.
But if you can pass the lowest of lows,
you will soon be soaring with the highest of highs.

When you cross that bridge
and you don’t appreciate that pie,
your feet will stay glued to the ground
and you will never know what it’s like to fly.

......

 

[New]

I like it...it just feels a little impersonal.

 

[izzy66]

lows and highs throughout, kinda like life.
keep writing
-izzy

 

[opiatedreams]

i feel like each section of this is kinda random, like it doesnt really flow too well. im gonna try and mess around with it a bit so i can get the same point across, just with different words and ideas that link together more smoothly.