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February - Getting and staying clean/sober thread

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^I dont like the idea of telling myself I will never use again.. It tends to make my addiction flip the fuck out.. and I dont like counting days because I have always eventually used it as an excuse to use when I got enough. So now all I do is use the old I'm not going to use today. Thats all we ever need to do. So I like to congratulate myself and everyone else when another day or twenty four more hours has passed without using any of the drugs which crush me and kill my soul.
 
I'm still sober. Right now I'm not in the best living environment. But I'm not going to use anything despite it not being enjoyable, and I will be moving within three weeks.
 
neversickanymore said:
^I dont like the idea of telling myself I will never use again.. It tends to make my addiction flip the fuck out.. and I dont like counting days because I have always eventually used it as an excuse to use when I got enough. So now all I do is use the old I'm not going to use today. Thats all we ever need to do. So I like to congratulate myself and everyone else when another day or twenty four more hours has passed without using any of the drugs which crush me and kill my soul.
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Ah I get ya! That makes sense. Good on ya. And yea our minds can play tricks on us.
 
Troublemaker13 said:
February is gonna be life changing....
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<3=D

another day everyone:)

jeremy-mann-08.jpg
 
Stressful fucking night last night. I can't share the details right now but involved another friend relapsing and needing to babysit him while shit faced all night. He divulged some information that I don't want anything to do with and don't know what to do about. I know that's sort of vague, but I have to be because of the nature of what was said.

Anyway, more than anything I just hope he can bounce back from this. He's a heroin addict but thankfully he just drank last night - though he drank so much that he was getting into fights with a tree because it was talking shit to me. 8) So if he drank that much, i shudder to think what would have happened if he had relapsed on dope.. He probably wouldn't have survived and I don't want to lose another friend like that, already lost two since I got sober. I ended up filming him for like 20 minutes so I want to show him the video and let him see how he was while fucked up and hopefully remember that.


Another 24 though, 268 Days.
 
SteeleyJ said:
I'm so pissed at myself.... after finally getting to a point where i was starting to feel good again ( after 9 days only using minute amounts hydrocodone *15mg a day for 5 days * then 4 clean entirely ) I fucked up today and went back to heroin. I was finally starting to feel better and something possessed me when i got some money to cop a half gram. Sometimes I almost think the light at the end of the tunnel is an illusion. :\
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Pretty much did exactly the same thing. except I was using subs and like one day clean entirely.

Now I am to start again.

We can do this!
 
I gave in and got some hydrocodone and took it orally.

Meh.

I don't really feel that guilty, but I feel guilty about not feeling guilty. :|
 
I'm in for sober February. I will want to have paid the rest of my boomtown festival ticket for August. Also I want to pay for Germany to visit my old man in April. One month off drink will give me two months of the year to look forward too. Fair trade!!!
 
Just remember...when you get upset about your day counter being reset, know that this is your ego getting upset. As much as it is feel-good, counting days, months, etc is just something else to chase forever. Your day + 1 always sounds better than your current day... I always found it a bit hypocritical that AA/NA preaches the "today is the most important day" thing, but then gives coins out and claps for what is essentially longevity. It can set people up for comparison with one another and feeling inferior or unworthy. Life is transitory and dynamic. We change everyday. What good really is 800 days, for example, if you've only figured out what makes you happy on that 800th day on day 750? Stringing days together is necessary or a better life, yes, but it shouldn't be what defines the better life.

I mean, I am guilty of sharing how long I've been clean with others, sure. But I also understand that I have a really hard time living in the moment/present, and it's something I really still need to work on.

<3 ad lib...Just like...don't let it get physical and gloomy again.
 
Really intense using dreams last night. Spent like an hour after waking up planning a relapse. No intention of following through with it right now but fuck I don't know where these cravings/dreams are coming from.
 
Damn y'all..Im having the hardest time that I've ever had with getting and staying clean.

I keep making progress then fucking it up. What the FUCK is wrong with me? I have done this before! I was clean for two years and was doing great! And now I can;t even put together a few days without going back. I have been trying to think of the "underlying" reasons like Case asked me, but I really can't come up with anything.

I just really don't wanna get high anymore, but I can't stop.

I think part of the issue is that for some reason the dope I am getting right now seems to have legs on it, which makes it where I Have to wait HELLAS to take a sub.. and usually in between that time, I end up getting too uncomfy and end up using.

I really just need to stop being a little bitch and wait it out. I have two jobs- one full time and the other part time. Tomm is Sunday and I don't have to be at work till Monday morning. I just did my last shot. SO what I need to try to do is stay calm and ride it out till monday morning before work (should be enough time so I don't go into precipitateds. Once I take my first sub, I am usually ok.. I just need to get to that point. I am sorry I keep posting that I need help then I keep fucking up. I am sure that is annoying for you all to read.. like "Im done with her, she keeps getting high." Please just don't get tired of me guys or give up on me.

But great job the all y'all that are doing the damn thing. You are inspirational to me, and thank you for you.
 
I hope it works out for you Delta. Trust me, there is nothing wrong with you that isn't wrong with everyone here. Honestly today the only thing that kept me sober was the fact that I am on suboxone. I had horrible using dreams and woke up ready to relapse. If I had been interested in anything besides opiates I probably would have. It's a never ending struggle. It gets easier, but it's never entirely gone. The possibility of relapse will always be there. Don't let that discourage you, remission of active addiction is very possible - but being cured is a myth.

about the underlying causes, I couldn't think of any on my own either. It wasn't until I had a lot of deep conversations with other addicts and really took a good look at myself and told someone all of my shit, that I started to see the truth behind it all. If you want to talk, pm me anytime. Stay strong delta. You aren't in this alone. <3
 
^thank You Case.. you really made me feel a lot better. I am sorry you had such vivid using dreams.. but I am glad you did not relapse. I am very proud of you. I know that being cured is a myth. This cunning and baffling disease of addiction that we have is life long-and I need to do my best to not get complacent. That is what happened last time.. that is the only thing I can think of.,. is that I was 2 years clean, and started to slack off on my meeting stuff, and was in a new relationship and got to where all I wanted to do was hang out with my man. Then he relapsed and so did I. So I DO know that I need to stay vigilant in my recovery and meeting attendance. I need to get back on my steps. I got my step guide out and knocked the dust off of it and cracked that bad boy open and began to read. I really need to get back in to recovery where I was. I used to be so involved.. and it wasn't easy at first, but after a year or so, I was very much "in the middle of the boat."

Thank you for the offer to PM. I will definitely take you up on that offer. You are very kind and inspirational to me and I feel as though I could talk to you easily without judgement. Thank you very much.. and I am going to need to lean on you and my other BL fam over the next few days. I am NOT going to cave and pick up tomorrow. I will ride thru the pain and wait it out until I can take a sub. I might need support in doing that. I know that feelings are only temporary, but when you're in the middle of it, it doesn't seem like it.
 
I agree with you , RedLeader, although I have never been to NA myself, but from what I hear of it from the many stories I've heard, I don't agree with it. Counting the days I see as good n bad. It's good in the way that it gives a person a sense of achievement n it's bad because if someone slips they feel like a failure n like their days of sobriety don't matter when in fact they DO matter. That person has achieved those days of sobriety n can't be taken away no matter what someone says / does. It's what that individual does about the "slip / relax" that matters. And Red, I never thought about it before but yes they are hypocritical in that respect. If the only important day is TODAY then why are people counting days n why should a slip from, say yesterday, for instance, matter if that person is clean today.

Thanks for sharing that point it's an interesting n important one to think about.

Delta - I agree with case there's NOTHING wrong with you. You have an addiction n it's. Do you know what dosage they are putting you on with the subs?

If you would like to talk to others on suboxone there's a Suboxone Megathread in the sub-forum called Other Drugs. Sorry I'm not good at doing those "click here" links or I'd have done one to make it easier for you to visit the thread.

Evey xxxx
 
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