fear re: using psychedelics

[TheAlligator!]

This is my first time on Bluelight. Apparently we don't SWIM here, lol.. but I'll of course point out that anything following this sentence is fictional and not representative of any real-life happenings.

To be totally blunt, I was absolutely ridiculous with drugs for quite a while. I attribute this mostly to the fact that a rather difficult life up to that point left me with a rather intense degree of mental control; in short, I was kind of a hardhead. I thought this was physical, as if I had some sort of natural immunity to most drugs, but it turned out to just be mental in nature.

By "ridiculous with drugs", I'm unfortunately referring to some incredibly stupid risks on my part, with dosing 2C-E without a scale on a knifepoint on multiple occasions being one, and mixing cocaine, opium, DXM, THC, acid, and alcohol in the same night. I wasn't always like that; I began my experimentation with an almost neurotic eye towards safety and making sure I took low doses of anything I was going to experiment with before going all-out in order to guard against wandering blindly into really bad territory.

I don't know what happened; maybe I became jaded and mindlessly hedonistic, maybe I became drunk with power after being known for a while for being able to ingest things in quantities others couldn't handle... But basically, to sum it up, I don't need any criticism or angry words from anyone regarding my recklessness, because, as you'd expect, my arrogance eventually caught up with me.

Two things happened that made me look seriously at my drug abuse- and I do differentiate between drug use, which can be relatively harmless if not beneficial (in the case of psychedelics) and drug abuse, which is reckless, self-destructive, and unnecessary.

The first was what I refer to as the ayahuasca debacle. I had tried it before, but either prepared it incorrectly, stored it for too long, or just had weak material to begin with. Who knows. But, after not getting any real effects from it the first time, I figured I was either a hardhead or just hadn't made enough. I had read that a "recommended" dose for a single person, using Mimosa hostilis and Peganum harmala, would be ~6-8g Mimosa and ~3g harmala.

Well, in my infinite wisdom, I decided to brew it up using ~30g Mimosa and ~10g harmala, and I drank the entire thing. The psychedelic side of things was ridiculously intense, as you'd imagine, but I was able to ride it out for the most part... until my right ring finger started twitching uncontrollably, and I then realized I had not only drank way too much ayahuasca, but I had also eaten tyramine-containing things prior to doing so. Yes, it was stupid, but, again, this was in my reckless phase.

This isn't the trip report forum, so I'll spare you the details, but suffice it to say I was pretty afraid of what could happen, and that on top of too much ayahuasca to begin with equalled about six hours of inhuman unrelenting terror.

The other thing that happened was my ill-fated experiment with mephedrone. It's actually on Drugs-Forum under a different name (which in turn is a different name than what I used to sign up on that forum, with a different avatar... very weird), but essentially, either through sitting in a weird position for too long, or through intense vasoconstriction, I wound up with nerve damage in my left leg which left me unable to raise my left foot when walking for about a month.

Honestly, I deserved everything I got. With some of the combinations I put in my body, I'm really lucky to be alive. But even my recklessness was ultimately beneficial; I had been kind of aimless and unproductive in my earlier days, but my self-imposed drug abstinence pushed me closer to being a productive "real person", etc.

But, now that my life is much more in order, I've been thinking about jumping back into psychedelics again, and... it kind of freaks me out. I've tried acid a few times, but always wind up with the trip turning horrible and dysphoric thanks to my fears that something will go wrong, or I'll have some sort of unusual, unheard-of reaction. I know these are irrational fears, especially in the case of acid, which (provided it's actually LSD) has never killed anyone.

But it's hard to get past these. Most psychedelics have some sort of stimulant edge to them, and any time I get any kind of tachycardia I start down the fear spiral again. It reminds me of the mephedrone disaster, and how I wasn't sure, at first, whether or not my nerve damage would spread, or if I'd have other complications arise out of nowhere... (Going to a doctor was not an option; I had no medical insurance)

Even cannabis, which I know is at least relatively safe, gives me problems sometimes. The last time I smoked, it was after not smoking for over two months, and far too much for me; I kept wondering if there had been PCP in it because it was more intense than I was used to.

So, out of all this rambling, I guess my question is... has anyone ever had anything like this happen to them? And, if so... does it go away? Or am I essentially doomed to having every potentially great, inspirational, and/or otherwise beneficial psychedelic experience go awry because I keep hanging onto my fears?

I'm pretty sure my fears are my subconscious's way of punishing me for my past misdeeds and recklessness, but... how do you tell your subconscious that you've atoned for it and you're tired of feeling guilty?

Thanks for listening. :D

 

[Legerity]

Psychedelics can offer beautiful experiences if used maturely and in the right setting. In my opinion, if they are being used only for fun then it is much more likely to have terrible experience. You mentioned being irresponsible in the past which is a valid concern, so if you are determined to try them again you should try to remain very conscious of your intentions and keep track of your use.

How often do you want to take them? With who? What do you want out of the experience?

I also stopped all substances for a long period of time and am trying to use them differently than I have in the past, so I can understand how you are feeling. Do you feel that they will be a positive addition to your life, or do you think you will abuse them like you have in the past? Be honest with yourself...

 

[malakaix]

I'm pretty sure my fears are my subconscious's way of punishing me for my past misdeeds and recklessness, but... how do you tell your subconscious that you've atoned for it and you're tired of feeling guilty?

I get the impression from this that you believe you 'deserve' the uncomfortable experience the psychedelics induce because of your past, this however is negative thinking and will only continue to spiral downwards as long as you believe it.

I use to be similar with psychedelics in the sense that any unusual phenomenon with my body or mind would bring about panic that i felt my veins were constricting, or that i had received brain damage.. the more i payed attention to it, the worse it became. Eventually i realized.. it was a coping mechanism i had created subconsciously to deal with my fear of accepting 'myself'..

It's amazing how elaborate the scenario's can become on psychedelics when facing deep fears of the self.

 

[ech0s85]

my opinion with psychedelics, is that unless you have your life together, and have no hidden demons that youre uncomfortable talking about, the trip is probably going to be rough at some point. I came to this conclusion based on my own experiences.

When i first started tripping at 17, the trips were AWESOME. the best, most mind opening and life altering times ive ever had. Of course at that point in life all i had to do was go to school, and that was all that i was expected to do. As time went on, i started slacking off as far as life goes, in school, work, and hard drug use. The more out of line my life became, the more intense and uncomfortable my trips were.

So, get your head straight, live a good life, and you will enjoy psychedelics. Of course, i have some of the uncomfortable trips to thank for realizing or confronting my errors in the first place.

 

[Ixchellian]

yeh, with LSD, if you go into it with the inkling that you'll have a bad trip.... you'll have one. but "bad" is highly subjective, considering the unique nature of each person taking it. what's really fun and interesting to me would most likely be terrifying, or at the very least unsettling, to anyone else.

but the really great thing about LSD is that it can be a highly effective tool. one of the things it's really good at doing is putting what's effectively a glass wall between what you are, and who you are.... It can completely seperate the ego from the id. Think of all that can be done with that, with LSD being the tool.

LSD trips aren't completely uncontrollable; after all it IS your mind that's controlling you, not the LSD. I realize that a lot of people have trouble in this respect.....

So having a trustworthy & experienced fellow psychonaut close at hand to help steer you along the trip is a very good thing, especially if you've had problems with unpleasant trips in the past or current anxieties. If I can guide a certified schizophrenic on a trip without her losing it completely, someone can do the same for you.

So, get your head straight, live a good life, and you will enjoy psychedelics. Of course, i have some of the uncomfortable trips to thank for realizing or confronting my errors in the first place.

Yup. Sometimes it takes psychedelics to get the head straight..... or at least that's what I used them for (mostly).

Free your mind, and the body will do the rest.

 

[Orangutangpsychopa]

Yee, with LSD it can be too much coloring and tracers that makes restless and few tears if staying still. And ayahusca as natural as is, deep fear and nausea and headache, and worrying about headache, have safe bottle of vodka and few braking meds.

I don't dare to take LSD if can get, fear of getting completely confused for years about what clothes to wear and when was born or last names. And it's too visual that way.

Some enjoy it with friends and decisions come clear then, isn't it usually what wants to enjoy later and other deep issues that can be dealed. And recognising something in a way not normally would feel so much, but the revelations pass, then it's normal life without tripping and if too inexperienced or young enthusiasm is sure and decisions.

LSD, if strong, goes to head so / too fast, LSD panic is worst, so is stimulant psychosis, total fear of getting killed, very realistic fear. Isn't it should be laughing oneself ill in several hour period. And ayahuasca goes smoother but loosing memory is one certain thing if passing the "my clothes are shameful", deep mystic from radio and persistent living hallucinations, messages from radio, systematic proadcasting from some other plane existences. Deep misery can also provide comfort, at least little bit paying attention to what wall creatures say.