TheAlligator!
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Aug 27, 2010
- Messages
- 11
This is my first time on Bluelight. Apparently we don't SWIM here, lol.. but I'll of course point out that anything following this sentence is fictional and not representative of any real-life happenings.
To be totally blunt, I was absolutely ridiculous with drugs for quite a while. I attribute this mostly to the fact that a rather difficult life up to that point left me with a rather intense degree of mental control; in short, I was kind of a hardhead. I thought this was physical, as if I had some sort of natural immunity to most drugs, but it turned out to just be mental in nature.
By "ridiculous with drugs", I'm unfortunately referring to some incredibly stupid risks on my part, with dosing 2C-E without a scale on a knifepoint on multiple occasions being one, and mixing cocaine, opium, DXM, THC, acid, and alcohol in the same night. I wasn't always like that; I began my experimentation with an almost neurotic eye towards safety and making sure I took low doses of anything I was going to experiment with before going all-out in order to guard against wandering blindly into really bad territory.
I don't know what happened; maybe I became jaded and mindlessly hedonistic, maybe I became drunk with power after being known for a while for being able to ingest things in quantities others couldn't handle... But basically, to sum it up, I don't need any criticism or angry words from anyone regarding my recklessness, because, as you'd expect, my arrogance eventually caught up with me.
Two things happened that made me look seriously at my drug abuse- and I do differentiate between drug use, which can be relatively harmless if not beneficial (in the case of psychedelics) and drug abuse, which is reckless, self-destructive, and unnecessary.
The first was what I refer to as the ayahuasca debacle. I had tried it before, but either prepared it incorrectly, stored it for too long, or just had weak material to begin with. Who knows. But, after not getting any real effects from it the first time, I figured I was either a hardhead or just hadn't made enough. I had read that a "recommended" dose for a single person, using Mimosa hostilis and Peganum harmala, would be ~6-8g Mimosa and ~3g harmala.
Well, in my infinite wisdom, I decided to brew it up using ~30g Mimosa and ~10g harmala, and I drank the entire thing. The psychedelic side of things was ridiculously intense, as you'd imagine, but I was able to ride it out for the most part... until my right ring finger started twitching uncontrollably, and I then realized I had not only drank way too much ayahuasca, but I had also eaten tyramine-containing things prior to doing so. Yes, it was stupid, but, again, this was in my reckless phase.
This isn't the trip report forum, so I'll spare you the details, but suffice it to say I was pretty afraid of what could happen, and that on top of too much ayahuasca to begin with equalled about six hours of inhuman unrelenting terror.
The other thing that happened was my ill-fated experiment with mephedrone. It's actually on Drugs-Forum under a different name (which in turn is a different name than what I used to sign up on that forum, with a different avatar... very weird), but essentially, either through sitting in a weird position for too long, or through intense vasoconstriction, I wound up with nerve damage in my left leg which left me unable to raise my left foot when walking for about a month.
Honestly, I deserved everything I got. With some of the combinations I put in my body, I'm really lucky to be alive. But even my recklessness was ultimately beneficial; I had been kind of aimless and unproductive in my earlier days, but my self-imposed drug abstinence pushed me closer to being a productive "real person", etc.
But, now that my life is much more in order, I've been thinking about jumping back into psychedelics again, and... it kind of freaks me out. I've tried acid a few times, but always wind up with the trip turning horrible and dysphoric thanks to my fears that something will go wrong, or I'll have some sort of unusual, unheard-of reaction. I know these are irrational fears, especially in the case of acid, which (provided it's actually LSD) has never killed anyone.
But it's hard to get past these. Most psychedelics have some sort of stimulant edge to them, and any time I get any kind of tachycardia I start down the fear spiral again. It reminds me of the mephedrone disaster, and how I wasn't sure, at first, whether or not my nerve damage would spread, or if I'd have other complications arise out of nowhere... (Going to a doctor was not an option; I had no medical insurance)
Even cannabis, which I know is at least relatively safe, gives me problems sometimes. The last time I smoked, it was after not smoking for over two months, and far too much for me; I kept wondering if there had been PCP in it because it was more intense than I was used to.
So, out of all this rambling, I guess my question is... has anyone ever had anything like this happen to them? And, if so... does it go away? Or am I essentially doomed to having every potentially great, inspirational, and/or otherwise beneficial psychedelic experience go awry because I keep hanging onto my fears?
I'm pretty sure my fears are my subconscious's way of punishing me for my past misdeeds and recklessness, but... how do you tell your subconscious that you've atoned for it and you're tired of feeling guilty?
Thanks for listening. :D
To be totally blunt, I was absolutely ridiculous with drugs for quite a while. I attribute this mostly to the fact that a rather difficult life up to that point left me with a rather intense degree of mental control; in short, I was kind of a hardhead. I thought this was physical, as if I had some sort of natural immunity to most drugs, but it turned out to just be mental in nature.
By "ridiculous with drugs", I'm unfortunately referring to some incredibly stupid risks on my part, with dosing 2C-E without a scale on a knifepoint on multiple occasions being one, and mixing cocaine, opium, DXM, THC, acid, and alcohol in the same night. I wasn't always like that; I began my experimentation with an almost neurotic eye towards safety and making sure I took low doses of anything I was going to experiment with before going all-out in order to guard against wandering blindly into really bad territory.
I don't know what happened; maybe I became jaded and mindlessly hedonistic, maybe I became drunk with power after being known for a while for being able to ingest things in quantities others couldn't handle... But basically, to sum it up, I don't need any criticism or angry words from anyone regarding my recklessness, because, as you'd expect, my arrogance eventually caught up with me.
Two things happened that made me look seriously at my drug abuse- and I do differentiate between drug use, which can be relatively harmless if not beneficial (in the case of psychedelics) and drug abuse, which is reckless, self-destructive, and unnecessary.
The first was what I refer to as the ayahuasca debacle. I had tried it before, but either prepared it incorrectly, stored it for too long, or just had weak material to begin with. Who knows. But, after not getting any real effects from it the first time, I figured I was either a hardhead or just hadn't made enough. I had read that a "recommended" dose for a single person, using Mimosa hostilis and Peganum harmala, would be ~6-8g Mimosa and ~3g harmala.
Well, in my infinite wisdom, I decided to brew it up using ~30g Mimosa and ~10g harmala, and I drank the entire thing. The psychedelic side of things was ridiculously intense, as you'd imagine, but I was able to ride it out for the most part... until my right ring finger started twitching uncontrollably, and I then realized I had not only drank way too much ayahuasca, but I had also eaten tyramine-containing things prior to doing so. Yes, it was stupid, but, again, this was in my reckless phase.
This isn't the trip report forum, so I'll spare you the details, but suffice it to say I was pretty afraid of what could happen, and that on top of too much ayahuasca to begin with equalled about six hours of inhuman unrelenting terror.
The other thing that happened was my ill-fated experiment with mephedrone. It's actually on Drugs-Forum under a different name (which in turn is a different name than what I used to sign up on that forum, with a different avatar... very weird), but essentially, either through sitting in a weird position for too long, or through intense vasoconstriction, I wound up with nerve damage in my left leg which left me unable to raise my left foot when walking for about a month.
Honestly, I deserved everything I got. With some of the combinations I put in my body, I'm really lucky to be alive. But even my recklessness was ultimately beneficial; I had been kind of aimless and unproductive in my earlier days, but my self-imposed drug abstinence pushed me closer to being a productive "real person", etc.
But, now that my life is much more in order, I've been thinking about jumping back into psychedelics again, and... it kind of freaks me out. I've tried acid a few times, but always wind up with the trip turning horrible and dysphoric thanks to my fears that something will go wrong, or I'll have some sort of unusual, unheard-of reaction. I know these are irrational fears, especially in the case of acid, which (provided it's actually LSD) has never killed anyone.
But it's hard to get past these. Most psychedelics have some sort of stimulant edge to them, and any time I get any kind of tachycardia I start down the fear spiral again. It reminds me of the mephedrone disaster, and how I wasn't sure, at first, whether or not my nerve damage would spread, or if I'd have other complications arise out of nowhere... (Going to a doctor was not an option; I had no medical insurance)
Even cannabis, which I know is at least relatively safe, gives me problems sometimes. The last time I smoked, it was after not smoking for over two months, and far too much for me; I kept wondering if there had been PCP in it because it was more intense than I was used to.
So, out of all this rambling, I guess my question is... has anyone ever had anything like this happen to them? And, if so... does it go away? Or am I essentially doomed to having every potentially great, inspirational, and/or otherwise beneficial psychedelic experience go awry because I keep hanging onto my fears?
I'm pretty sure my fears are my subconscious's way of punishing me for my past misdeeds and recklessness, but... how do you tell your subconscious that you've atoned for it and you're tired of feeling guilty?
Thanks for listening. :D