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Father of a heroin girl

I

icelated

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 10, 2009
Messages
49
Some of you may remember me from a few months ago. I was here asking for advice on how to deal with my daughter that's addicted to heroin.

Well, she is 20 and a heroin addict for a year. She has been to treatment twice. The treatment center she went to was a month long, and the week she got out she relapsed. A couple of months later she went back in because she said she wanted help. Her plan was to get into an oxford sober living facility afterword's. She also didn't have a place to stay anymore. Well, two weeks later she dropped out. I took her in because she said she would stay clean, and get a job, and go into the oxford house. Within 2 days she was back to using, and i had no option but to kick her out.

Yesterday, i found out that she tried stripping a couple of times before, but didn't like it. Now, i think she is back to doing it, and at this point life has been sucked out of me. I cannot express to you how this makes me feel. This use to be my little girl. I never thought in a million years things would end up this way.

She tells me that she needs a clean place to live to get clean and get into oxford. I tell her i gave her that chance, and all she did was stick a needle in her arm. I am afraid of taking her back in, because i know what the outcome will be. I also don't want her to screw up her chance at oxford if she gets in there and shes not really ready. So, she is blaming me for her not getting clean. I feel at this point she needs to hit bottom, and want help, and go to a treatment center longer than a month? Do people actually quit without treatment?

I don't know what to do anymore. Should i take her back, and try to get her into oxford? Or, just let her decide what direction her life is going?

Its very hard to get up in the morning, and even make it through the day.
I feel like she is dead, and i am in mourning. I feel like walking away from her.
I just dont know what to do anymore. I have been dealing with this for a year now. I dont know how much more i have to give to her. The statistics say people that actually get clean and stay clean are dead. I have pretty much lost all hope. any advice?

Corey
 
I remember your posts from before. I'm really sorry to hear that things have only been getting worse, but the saddest part is that's how it usually goes before a person truly realizes they need to change. You can't do that for her and above all else you can't blame yourself for whatever she's done and/or will do.

Have you read the book Beautiful Boy by David Sheff? It's a father's perspective on his son's horrendous addiction to IV methamphetamines, and the hell that he endured watching his son go through the addiction. If you haven't read it I highly recommend it. I read it when I was in rehab getting clean off of heroin myself, and it really gave me a new perspective on what my loved ones (especially my parents) must have gone through.

I'm really sorry :( My best wishes go out to you. I'm not a parent so I can't really imagine what it's like, but I'm sure it's probably one of the hardest things to endure.
 
Corey,

I too remember reading your posts from a while back. I am sorry things haven't improved... I don't have any advice to offer, but my best wishes to you and your family, this cannot be easy. Hold tight and remember not to place blame on yourself.
 
I say you let her do her own thing. Shes an adult. Just love her, but don't get used by her.

Don't stop talking to her and dont get mad/shut her out of your life(unless your too tired to take it anymore), cuz I know when my mom did that to me it really made me feel worthless. I wish she just would have accepted me the way I was.

This fucked up path is just a way of life. Its been done for centuries.

My luv goes out to u my brother and to your daughter.

I think she needs to hit rock bottom 2.
 
Hi, I'm kind of in the opposite of your situation, but I thought I'd toss in my two cents fwiw. I'm a 19 year-old opiate addict who just moved back in with my family for a few weeks to get things together. I know I've put them through hell, and I truly hope that your family gets through this. <3

Anyway, my advice may not be of much use, but I've been in the same cycle that it seems your daughter is in, of wanting to quit but not being able to let go of Heroin. I know this is not going to be the popular opinion (and I am, of course, biased), but if you think there is any chance she truly wants to get clean, then let her stay for a while and get her life back on track - I'm not suggesting that you give her money or allow her to do drugs in your home, but food, shelter, and support from family could really benefit her.

Also, in my personal experience, rehab/sober-living facilities/NA are not for everyone - they actually made me want to use much more. :/ So, you might suggest other options to her - at-home or hospital detoxes, Smart Recovery meetings, etc.

And there are people out there who get clean and stay clean. There's definitely hope for your daughter, and I wish you and your family the best.
 
Hi Corey, I'm sorry to hear things haven't improved for you and your daughter. I'm so torn in the angle I should take to give you advice, mainly because I'm not yet a parent so I don't know what it truly feels like. Part of me wants to say that if you tried to help her get clean before and she abused that, then you shouldn't help her this time because she needs to learn for herself. But most of me wants to tell you to give her another chance. If she's come to you asking for your help it means part of her wants to get clean. If I were a parent I think I would keep giving my child another chance, and another chance, as long as it took. But like I said, it's really hard for me to say that having not been in your shoes.

I wish you and your daughter all the best, I'm sure whatever choice you make will be the right one for you <3
 
icelated

Hi corey

I recommend you and your daughter to watch this documentary on youtube:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3ac80htxPoo

(it's called "Ben: diary of a heroin addict")
Luckily not every heroin addict becomes in such bad shape as ben.
But if ur daughter sees this documentary maybe it might be one of the factors that motivate her to quit.



Once your daughter is clean i would recommend her to attend a vipassana course in meditation:
http://www.dhamma.org

Many people like meditation because it makes them feel happy,
and empowers them to break lifelong addictions such as addiction to drugs.




If she doesn't get clean, this year... or ever...
I would recommend you Corey, not to beat yourself up for it.

Maybe you could have prevented it if you would have raised her differently.
Maybe you could not have prevented it.

Everyone makes mistakes.
The only thing we can do to people we've wronged is to offer our apologies,
and to try to make as little mistakes in the future as possible.



Remember that when things get bad, they could always have been worse.
Check out these sex slaves in cambodia for example:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7-Xf_PjaMOY
forced into prostitution at ages as young as age 7.

I hope your daughter will not have to suffer much, whether she breaks that heroin addiction or not.
And i hope that you Corey will not make yourself feel bad because your daughter might continue to be an H addict.

I would recommend that you don't pity yourself and you don't pity her.

Unfortunately, the world is full of suffering....
but we got to stay positive!
 
^^^ I really really doubt showing a true heroin addict whose been on the stuff for more than a year a youtube video on how bad some guy named ben's heroin addiction got is going to steer her away from using. If anything it will just make her jones out. I remember people thought the same thing about that movie requiem for a dream, and thought if I saw it I would somehow miraculously quit but trust me, it did nothing to deter my habit.
 
Yeah, the meditation is a good idea if it's something that would interest her.

The video, though, is just gonna make her get fiendy - or at least, that's what generally happens. If I see dope, no matter how negativity it's presented, I want a hit. :/
 
As someone said she needs a place where she can get clean and get support. Kicking her out every time she relapses is just going to make her go back to bad habits. It's putting her out on the street. Would u rather have her be on the street where she can get diseases or get killed or be at ur house? Relapse is part of recovery for some people. Don't be ok with her drug use or give her money but being on the street is the worse place she can be. IT might seem like the best idea to u, but it might have detrimental long term effects and she might never recover.

This is just a tough situation. I was in ur daughters shoes. I'm have been mostly clean but I do relapse occasionally. It's just not possible for me to refuse the high sometimes. I relapsed last Friday and my SO didn't kick me out. I have actually relapsed many times this year, but I try very hard not to. Because I have a good environment to live at and rarely associate with people who use I much less likely to go back to being in active addiction. Me being not physically addicted is mostly due to my family, my mom,stepdad and husband who never gave up on me. Never kicked me out no matter what shitty things I did. They showed me unconditional love and now that I am clean I want to give that back to them. When I was using my mind didn't think very clearly. U have to not give up on her. Once she is off the wagon for long enough she will appreciate life once more. She is just in a bad place now and needs help.

It's impossible to imagine the hold this drug has on addicts if u have never used it or been addicted. It is a feeling that is permanently ingrained in ur brain that constantly makes u long for it. Sometimes it's impossible to say no. I can't think of anything to compare it to.
 
shes not your little girl anymore. shes an adult.
you have to learn to love her from a distance. you cant protect her from everything anymore and she has to figure stuff out on her own. but you should always help like push her in the right direction

good luck
 
i am very similar to your daughter - i'm a 20 year old heroin addict. i believe my parents have gone through a somewhat similar trial to you, and i hate to say this, but as an addict myself - stop helping her. when she's actually ready to go through treatment, she'll make the effort, but until then you just need to emotionally distance yourself (i know i'm echoing a lot of posts here, but it breaks my heart to see a parent going through this and i wanted to chime in). my parents do not help me financially, they don't call me, but they have let me know whenever i want to talk to them they are happy to hear from me, and honestly, this seems to work a lot better then them constantly calling and trying to take care of me. it's motivated me to stay clean of my own accord, instead of that constant thought that i HAVE to stay clean because otherwise i won't have a place to live.

if she does decide to get clean and she qualifies for methadone or suboxone - dear god, help her pay for it. my parents didn't, which makes life a lot more difficult on a daily basis because of cravings, and it's well worth the money spent (for suboxone, at least).

hope this made some sense.

you have a difficult road ahead of you, and i express my deepest empathy.
 
Hey Corey,

I remember your posts, I responded to quite a few of them and gave some advice. :)

Sorry to hear that your daughter is still using.:(

I am a recovering heroin addict as well, I've been on suboxone for almost a year now and I still struggle with my sobriety but when I fall off the wagon I try to get right back on. I know first hand how hard it can be to quit dope.

My mother has never done a drug in her life and doesn't really understand what it's like to try to quit and stay sober...very much like yourself. Don't beat yourself up about it, but I do recommend reading 'Beautiful Boy" by David Sheff, it really is a very insightful and helpful book for parents of addicts and addicts alike. I also recommend reading more about addiction and being the parent of an addict online...there are many great websites offering suggestions on how to deal with an addict in the family as well as blogs written to share their experiences with others. I also HIGHLY recommend going to Al-Anon meetings, like many suggested to you before. I know it feels like no matter what you do it's not going to make you feel any better about the situation but, you will be surprised how the support of others going through the same thing as you can make you feel like your not alone and that there is hope.

At the end of the day, your daughter is going to make her own choices and make mistakes and there isn't much you can do about it. You have tried to help her and it doesn't seem like she wants to help herself right now so until she does, there isn't much you can do. She's an adult, which makes the situation trickier because as an adult she is free to make her own choices.

I remember you saying she had tried suboxone and it didn't work out so well. For many people it's a miracle drug but for others it just isn't. Some people are a better canidate for suboxone than others. Methadone is also another option, and it is also much cheaper. But considering that she hasn't been using that long, maybe you should try to talk her into giving suboxone another shot.

I wish you and your daughter the best of luck.
 
ibogaine treatment helped my best freinds daughter get her life back. It is not done in the usa , you would have to take her to canada or mexico. The treatment resets the persons opiate receptors so they are not in withdrawl afterwards. there is also rapid detox under anasthesia , but this is very expensive. most people that want to quit are scared of the after effects, these procedures eliiminate that feeling.. good luck my prayers are with you
 
How about getting her to give suboxone a try or has she already tried that? Suboxone has worked wonders for lots of opiate addicts.
 
Do the only thing you can do... continue to support her in her decisions and be there for her. I was lucky that my parents didnt pull that tough love act and kick me to the curb because that would have been the worst thing for me. My parents were always there supporting me in what ever I was doing be it raging habit to rehab to life. I wouldnt be here if it wasnt for the support I receive from my parents, I would surely be rotting away in jail or dead. Thank god for my parents understanding of addiction and the approach the took/take toward it.

Just remember she is the addict although at times I am sure you are feeling pretty messed up. Years ago when I was really in the throes of addiction my mom started to neck xanax and started drinking gin during the day to cope with my behavior. I was just acting so selfish, I never really cared what anybody thought and if they cared I would just shut that out. Ok I am rambling.

Peace,
Seedless
 
those people saying that she is not your little girl anymore obviously do not have a daughter...of course she will always be your little girl. do not give up on her, she will get better because she has you in her life. the ones that dont get better are the ones who dont have a father that gives 2 shits
 
if you have any trouble getting suboxone because of a waiting list or the doc is asking for outragous money, contactg me at [email protected] and i will give the information you need to get it asap at a good price
 
One month in treatment is not long enough sober in my opinion. My brain takes a lot more than a month to "reset." If your daughter really wants to clean up, she should be willing to be locked down--interpret that how you wish--for a few months. I will say that an addict can also tell you that they want to clean up so their loved ones hear what they want. It is hard for an addict to let go of the only security in their life. I once had twenty-four hour surveillance and was never given a car for more than fifteen minutes alone; didn't even have the restroom to myself alone. Even with the willingness to quit, heroin is a pretty powerful substance for those that are partial to it. I never checked into a treatment center, but my significant other was there for me through all the shit I put her through. Even though she never understood how hard it is for an addict and how much heroin can change one's mindset, she never gave up on me. I am grateful for that.

Personally, I would recommend against substituting heroin with another drug. That's just me. I hope things turn out for your daughter. It may seem hopeless at times. Know that she may feel hopeless, too. In the past, I have considered giving up my opportunities and leaving all that I know for a life of low-wage employment and shooting dope. Life seemed as if it would always feel empty, never the same again. Even after the acute withdrawals that seem to be gone for a week or so, there are secondary withdrawal symptoms that many people never realize--they're often the reason for relapse.

I've rambled a bit but hope that you can glean something from what I've written. I know it isn't easy for you. I feel extremely horrible to this day when I think back on how much pain I've caused those in my life.
 
Thank you everyone that replied. I will check out that book and videos. It is very hard for me to see people using heroin and needles because i can see my daughter doing it and it kills me.

I seen her today. I think she is trying to get her old job back, so i don't think she is doing anything else like i thought. Anyways, she was on suboxone before, and used. I know you cant get high while on it so she had to quit taking it to get high. I am not sure but she may go back on it again. I will have to talk to her about it.

The reason why i kicked her out was she went into treatment, and dropped out after 2 weeks. I let her come in and stay. she was suppose to try to find a job, and go to a sober living place. However, all she did was relapse, and it wasn't just one time. If she would stay sober i would let her live here and pay for everything. She had her college paid for also. Its very sad.

I have tried to talk her into going into a longer treatment facility but she wont do it. I agree, one month is not long enough.

If she came to me and sincerely wanted to quit, and asked me please will you help me i would never turn her away. however, i think she wants to quit but not willing to put whatever it takes into it. The past year i have let her stay here why i tried to get her clean. It has been really hard on me. I felt that kicking her out was the last thing i haven't tried yet and maybe this would help her want to quit. I don't see this happening.

She came over today and told me she was kicked out of her friends house she was staying. The car i had bought her before she became an addict is pretty much toast. I bought this car for her so she could go to college. She dropped out after only one year. Since then she has trashed it. A couple of days ago she rear ended someone and smashed her hood up. She said she slept in her car last nite. I decided to take her back in if she wants to get clean. I haven't spoken to her yet, but we will see what happens. She told me before just take my car away and don't let me go anywhere. But that doesn't work out when your 20 and cant stay home more than 2 weeks. I just don't want to be doing this the next 5 years.

I will keep you guys posted.

Corey
 
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