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Experiences Experience that made me put down the needle

Jen X

Jen X

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Jun 28, 2021
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Canada
Wrote in blogs but curious if anyone ever had something similar happen......

I've been dealing with addiction for at least 15 years. The past few has been IV fentanyl off and on but until two weeks ago it's been 2 years straight. Waking at 3 am with a shot ready. I've killed so many veins that I was using my feet and little veins in my fingers.

6 years ago I lost my dad. One of the hardest things I've been through until 3 years later my mom ended up in palliative care and I stayed with her til the end. And it almost killed me. I got back home and at that time I was over a year no fentanyl. That didn't last long. I dont have family anymore and kinda stopped caring if I overdosed. I started the needle full time and stopped starting slow to gage the strength. A trap house around the corner seemed so perfect. Fentanyl is everywhere here.

What started to happen a few weeks ago had me questioning my sanity. I'm totally not someone that believes in ghosts or spirits. I would go cop some fentanyl and come home and sit at my desk and do shot after shot. One day as I was doing a shot the computer chair seemed to be pulled back a bit. The first few times I thought maybe it's the floor uneven but I started to feel a little weird because the chair has 5 wheels and it's not that easy to move. One night i was nodding out and I woke up with the chair back 3 feet hitting the couch and I woke up just in time before I fell to the floor. I went and got a level and checked the floor. It's level. My head was on my keyboard so I doubt in my fet fold state that I pushed myself back.

Then I started joking to myself that my parents were doing it (it happened at least 6-8 times). I know that sounds bat sht crazy but I can't think of anything else that could make my chair just move on its own let alone quickly enough to send me into the couch with such force to wake me up.

The next day which is 2 weeks ago i stopped using fentanyl. I got sick unlike I've ever been before. And not once did I even think to get more. Just kept telling myself it would be over soon. I probably should have went to the hospital but I couldn't get off my bed. Last night was the first full night of sleep I've gotten.

As crazy as it sounds and I know it does but I honestly think they were doing it. It hasn't happened since. The chair doesn't even move easily when I try. There's no logical explanation for it and trust me I've tried.

Whatever it was it saved my life
 
Thanks for sharing this with us! Any experience that teaches you to help yourself is a positive and meaningful one. We wish you all the luck and strength in the world on your road to recovery!
 
Needles are terrible.

When you use needles (for any drug), you're adding health risks that would otherwise not be present if you used it any other route. I'm sure OP knows this, but I'm just pointing it out for passersby. Cause I've run into a lot of ignorant people out in the world who try to make claims like "heroin causes heart damage!"... when in reality, heroin itself doesn't cause heart damage. But using needles can lead to heart & cardiovascular damage. So I hate when people conflate the dangers of a drug with the dangers that come from the needle instead.

But I'm proud of you for kicking your fent habit one way or another!

My mom died in 2021. She was living with my sister at the time & after the funeral, me & my boyfriend slept in her bedroom. Her bed was so small that I basically had to put my arm over him & spoon him the entire night. But before I passed out, I turned the TV off & set the remote on the floor next to the bed. When I woke up the next morning, 3 of my mom's rings were laying on the floor, pointed toward us (the bed), next to the remote. And I know for sure that they were not there when I went to bed & put the remote on the floor. And my bf was trapped under my arm the whole night, so I know it wasn't him who did it. I went & got one of my sisters & showed them & asked if they knew whose rings those were (cause I wasn't sure at the time, I assumed my mom's, but there 2 other women in the house as well). And she told me they were our moms rings. But how they ended up on the floor in that perfect configuration over-night, I have no idea. But I've always wondered if that was my mom saying one last thing to me.

So you never know!

Good luck with everything! :)
 
The men in my family.have always placed 3 rings.on their hands... the matriarchs have the engagements ring, the wedding rings and ceremonial ring fits only to the other 2.....

I had to get mine made after my wife died.

One black ring on my left hand.

The first widow in my family.....
 
Jen X said:
Whatever it was it saved my life
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Good to see you Jen, I mean we are names on a screen but for sure with your posts I was sort of worried. I mean, you are still here, no shrine post. I know I know, Yay us. We get to live.

That was pretty personal and brave to post but pure gold. You came out the other side of fent (something I know nothing about) and got past your parents Earthly exit. I went through something similar the last two years. Lost dog, job, mother and father in a year and a half. The last part with my father took forever. I kept him in his home on hospice and he wasn't to last but a few weeks, 92 heart failure and could barely walk. Yet it took him 9 months of stubborness to exit and I almost didn't make it. I handled it all myself, my brother was 1500 miles away. So any inheritance went to the debt I incurred taking care of them. Just about a wash. My brother was happy to take his half. Really trying to forget it all.

Funny enough I put my parents through hell growing up with drugs. After high school I was still living there at that point. My mother stepped on a needle and vowed to never enter my room again. I mean they should have kicked me out. I was somehow able to pay the $300 a month they asked for. But at the end everything reveresed. My mother dying of cancer at rehab center looked at me and gave me a look that said I need drugs, use all your knowledge. So I talked to the doctor and nurses and dialed it in. Fentanyl patches and unlimited morphine. It was the least I can do for them with all the trouble I gave when i was younger.

There some personal stuff from me, only came out of me because of your post Jen. Keep yourself well. I am not in tune with my parents, it was hard. I am way in tune with my dog though. But I fully believe reality is just how we say. I understand it takes a lot of energy for the spirit world to move a dense physical object and they would just rather us think of them. And now you are.
 
@JackARoe thank you and sorry for your loss. People don't understand until they lived it.
Yesterday was the first day I was actually hungry. Been forcing myself to eat. I've been through methadone/heroine/pill withdrawals but this fentanyl was absolutely brutal. It was like my whole nervous system was freaking out. Like my doctor said I wasn't just withdrawing from street fentanyl it was benzos horse tranq and god knows what else. It rattled me so bad I'm terrified to even touch it again .
Your brother sounds like mine. I stayed in palliative care 24/7 and it was to hard for him. Selling her house wasn't though.
Street fentanyl is pure garbage and I hope i haven't done permanent damage from needles. I got track marks that hopefully will fade but luckily didn't develop any sores or lose a limb.
If i did keep it up I would have eventually done myself in.
 
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I've been trying to deal with buprenorphine withdrawal this past month. The first time in probably a decade.
I know it's not the same as fent, but holy cow. Even low doses of full agonists don't stop withdrawals from buprenorphine for whatever reason.

I don't know if it's because of buprenorphine's potency or what. But I was actually switched to a full agonist for pain. Except it's a low dose (which is fine, I'm happy anyone cares about my pain at all), but I find myself having INSANE yawning everyday. I yawn 30 times in an hour. It's so bad that my jaw hurts from it. And some times the yawning is so strong that I feel like I'm going to break my jaw or something. And then there's the watery eyes. The dilated pupils. And just a feeling of malaise.

The only thing that's helped is taking up to 120mg+ of hydrocodone a day. That seems to be the only thing that helps. But I don't have access to it consistently, so I can't use hydros. And even if I could get a script for it, nobody's gonna give me 120mg a day. lol

Why my tolerance seems to be so monstrous from buprenorphine, I have no idea. I know it's extremely potent, but you would think any full agonist would still elicit effects beyond buprenorphine's effects, or at least be able to stop any WD from it, since it's only a partial agonist. But this doesn't seem to work in my case unless it's huge doses of full agonists.

So I always end up giving in & having to take a little bit of bupe to feel "normal". But in order to keep this pain med, I'm not gonna be able to keep using both, so I don't really know what to do. It's actually kind of scary because I really want to get off of bupe & onto a full agonist that makes me feel better. But it's like bupe did something to the way my body receives opioids now. And now I can't seem to get off of it, even though I don't enjoy it & it doesn't really help me at all. Except by making me feel "normal" from it's horrendous withdrawal, which strangely is also mild compared to full blown heroin withdrawal or something, but definitely present, even with full agonists in my system.
 
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Sorry you're going through that. The only thing that worked for me was locking myself in my house and just go through it
Bupe gave me bad anxiety so a few years ago when I tried it it wasn't in my system long enough to get bad withdrawal and I was using fentanyl. Don't do that.
Do you have access to the shot? I've heard a few people say that they got off it with the shot because it slowly leaves your system.
I never thought I could get through fentanyl withdrawal but I did and feel 100% better for it. I was so sick I don't even get cravings because I don't ever want to go through that again.
I wish I had better advice but I don't.
I hope things work out for you ❤️
 
Jen X said:
The only thing that worked for me was locking myself in my house and just go through it
Click to expand...
<3 This is exactly what I've been wanting to do too!
Unfortunately life has been kicking my ass lately, non-stop appointments, phone calls, running around & shopping, landlords dicking around in my home, car broke down for a min, blah blah blah.

So I haven't had a week where I could just hide away for awhile now. I use to get weeks like that all the time, but for the past 2 months or so, it's just been non-stop BS coming up every week. Even when I think I'm gonna have a week to myself, something comes up & then I gotta have the energy & stamina to put up with it.

I'm hoping I get a week (or a few honestly) where I can do just this though. It's the only way I think I'm gonna be able to do it.

My insurance doesn't cover the injections/shots, but that would just block my full agonist from working anyway (if it ever starts to work lol).

I just thought it was weird, cause you always hear about people going from full agonists to partial agonists & still dealing with withdrawal, but you rarely hear anyone talk about going from a partial agonist to a full agonist & still having WD. I wonder if I'm an anomaly or if this is theoretically possible, due to bupe's insane potency & half-life.

Have your withdrawals finally ended!? That's fantastic news! And you have just the right the attitude to stay on track! Fuck fent & whatever else they're putting in that garbage now. I'm a big avid lover of opioids, but I've never cared for fent or "tranq" or anything that's on the streets now a days. It's not the same as regular heroin or the pain pills that were around back in the day. It's way more destructive & a horrible way to have to live.

Cheers to your new-found-freedom from fent (and everything else they throw in there), my friend! <3 I'm so glad you're feeling better!
 
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