CentipedeKarma
Bluelighter
im rambling here and no one has to read or acknowledge this but i'm on the literal verge of commmitting suicide and i dont have a therapist and i. eed to ramble about this and i have no where else to.
i moved in with my partner in may 2024 and it's fucking idont know if it was worth it guys after i fought for it for 4.5 years and its liek its lke i worked at Macy's for a month and had to quit it was so fucking evil and one day early into working there i left 1.5 hours early in a 7 or 9 hour shift and my bfs dad (i live with my partner and his parents at their house) almost kicked me out i hadn't been there for a month but we worked it out but June 19-20 was the worst 36 hours of my whole life since 2016. i wish i was kidding.
and then it's liek i needed to desperately move out since my parents do not respect me and make me into their plaything they wish to have me be and not my own person (not respecting my lgbt identity , opening every goddamn piece of mail i got and barring me from checking the mailbox, controlling my medications until the day i moved out right before i turned 22 years old, yell and scream constantly, my mom is manipulative and guilt trippy as all fuck. a living situation as toxic as chernobyl i could say!)
i was happy at first i really fucking was but i got a new job at dollar tree and have ben working there for around a month and i have to quit that too.
im too fucking retarded and autistic and traumatized and scared to hold and semblance of a job down. dollar tree is eviler in its own way: macys made you push credit cards onto people and were Pushing you to do that in a ""Karen""-laden environment, dolar tree they leave you on the register till you're about to drop dead By yourself and there's children screaming the whole time on your shift im not kidding pelase god killl me now)
i left work early after 1.5 hours and had a complete fucking explosive anger episode in front of customers on the Fucking basis of Having To Go In that's IT. i was fine yesterday but today is awful only because I HAVE TO GO TO MY RETARDED JOB.
IT WAS ONLY A 4 HOUR SHIFT TOOI SHOULD HAVE FUCKING BEEN ABLE TO DO IT BUT NOPE IM AWFUL AND I SUCK LOL
i cant go on disability eithrr. i think. because my bfs dad will not approve of it.
im debating on moving back in with my parents and just killing myself after doing that. might break up w my partner before we hit 5 years also. He just pissed me off so bad so bad i told him not to dm me for the rest of the day and not to talk to me for the next fucking 8 hours.
i cant afford a therapist and i despise all of them for the fact they have the agency to throw you into a padded cell just for implying you want to be 6 feet under. l
job environment is hopeless also; i am not qualified to even apply to ANY remote jobs according to indeed, and every job i do want (vape, dispensary, etc) says you need at least 1 year prior experience with a dispo/vape shop. How the ACTUAL FUCK. AM I GONNA GET A JOB I ACTUALLY ENJOY IF THEY. IF THEY WANT THAT ARE THYE AVTUALLY FUCKIGJ RETARDED !?!?!
i got home and took 275mg benadryl to cope because i can't take this shit anymore i dont know if i even love my boyfriend anymore i moodswing so fucking fast i lvoed him yesterday and he didn't wanna hang out too much!!! and now i dont and i know i have bpd bhut it makes me sick. He never fucking wants to hang out with me anymore it feels like also Like he does but he's always fucking working or putting off hanging out with me it's fucking awesome. thanks
im done. i hope i die soon. i almost dmed a telegram plug asking if i could use his gun to shoot myself. id love nothing more than to run into the street with busy cars. i bashed my head into the table at dollar tree today and recorded me doing it and it left a mark on my forehead. i cant do it. i suck. i suck. and im awful. and i hate my life even tho it's better than 90% of my friends lives. whatever man. i dont deserve anytning good.
i moved in with my partner in may 2024 and it's fucking idont know if it was worth it guys after i fought for it for 4.5 years and its liek its lke i worked at Macy's for a month and had to quit it was so fucking evil and one day early into working there i left 1.5 hours early in a 7 or 9 hour shift and my bfs dad (i live with my partner and his parents at their house) almost kicked me out i hadn't been there for a month but we worked it out but June 19-20 was the worst 36 hours of my whole life since 2016. i wish i was kidding.
and then it's liek i needed to desperately move out since my parents do not respect me and make me into their plaything they wish to have me be and not my own person (not respecting my lgbt identity , opening every goddamn piece of mail i got and barring me from checking the mailbox, controlling my medications until the day i moved out right before i turned 22 years old, yell and scream constantly, my mom is manipulative and guilt trippy as all fuck. a living situation as toxic as chernobyl i could say!)
i was happy at first i really fucking was but i got a new job at dollar tree and have ben working there for around a month and i have to quit that too.
im too fucking retarded and autistic and traumatized and scared to hold and semblance of a job down. dollar tree is eviler in its own way: macys made you push credit cards onto people and were Pushing you to do that in a ""Karen""-laden environment, dolar tree they leave you on the register till you're about to drop dead By yourself and there's children screaming the whole time on your shift im not kidding pelase god killl me now)
i left work early after 1.5 hours and had a complete fucking explosive anger episode in front of customers on the Fucking basis of Having To Go In that's IT. i was fine yesterday but today is awful only because I HAVE TO GO TO MY RETARDED JOB.
IT WAS ONLY A 4 HOUR SHIFT TOOI SHOULD HAVE FUCKING BEEN ABLE TO DO IT BUT NOPE IM AWFUL AND I SUCK LOL
i cant go on disability eithrr. i think. because my bfs dad will not approve of it.
im debating on moving back in with my parents and just killing myself after doing that. might break up w my partner before we hit 5 years also. He just pissed me off so bad so bad i told him not to dm me for the rest of the day and not to talk to me for the next fucking 8 hours.
i cant afford a therapist and i despise all of them for the fact they have the agency to throw you into a padded cell just for implying you want to be 6 feet under. l
job environment is hopeless also; i am not qualified to even apply to ANY remote jobs according to indeed, and every job i do want (vape, dispensary, etc) says you need at least 1 year prior experience with a dispo/vape shop. How the ACTUAL FUCK. AM I GONNA GET A JOB I ACTUALLY ENJOY IF THEY. IF THEY WANT THAT ARE THYE AVTUALLY FUCKIGJ RETARDED !?!?!
i got home and took 275mg benadryl to cope because i can't take this shit anymore i dont know if i even love my boyfriend anymore i moodswing so fucking fast i lvoed him yesterday and he didn't wanna hang out too much!!! and now i dont and i know i have bpd bhut it makes me sick. He never fucking wants to hang out with me anymore it feels like also Like he does but he's always fucking working or putting off hanging out with me it's fucking awesome. thanks
im done. i hope i die soon. i almost dmed a telegram plug asking if i could use his gun to shoot myself. id love nothing more than to run into the street with busy cars. i bashed my head into the table at dollar tree today and recorded me doing it and it left a mark on my forehead. i cant do it. i suck. i suck. and im awful. and i hate my life even tho it's better than 90% of my friends lives. whatever man. i dont deserve anytning good.
ty tho i really appreciate it immensely .,