Letters to Myself
So, in group my assignment the other day was to write a letter to myself filled with empathy, appreciation, and forgiveness. It was one of the hardest things I'd ever written and it took me all evening. I kept having to step away. But I finished it. I read it in group today and the amount of support I received after reading it, as well as talking about my PTSD relating to my last relationship. This is why I believe in the kindness of strangers.
Anyway, I wanted to share the letter with all of you:
My Dearest,
You've carried the burden of one hundred suns. A load far too heavy to haul alone, and so lonely. Thirty-one years of heaviness and undoing, thirty-one years of living in fear, thirty-one years of constantly running and always losing, thirty-one years of being stabbed in the back, thirty-one years of being invaded and spat out and run over, thirty-one years of being controlled and manipulated and used by lovers, lovers, lovers, thirty-one years of playing the peacekeeper, thirty-one years spent afraid of the unknown, thirty-one years a perfectionist, thirty-one years and never enough, thirty-one years and thirty-trillion tears.
You are allowed to feel what you're feeling. Your thoughts and emotions are valid, your heart is important, and your soul is priceless. You are allowed to mourn losses and celebrate wins. May you cry until there are no tears left to be shed, until you've bled yourself dry of every fiber and every fibril plaguing your beautiful and broken heart. May you laugh until your face goes numb, not by toxins and fabrications, but by pure and unadulterated joy.
You've made choices in your life because you were hurting or running or avoiding or wanting to escape or not knowing how to cope, and there's no going back in time to change those choices now. But do you know what's so important, so admirable? You're working to repair your life, to right your wrongs, to change for the better. You beat yourself up far too much, my love. You say your mantra is to "Help each other. Love everyone. Everyleaf. Every ray of light. Forgive." yet you never apply that to yourself. Isn't it time you try?
You have taken on mountains of guilt - guilt which doesn't even belong to you. You have loathed yourself so much, so frequently, that you blame yourself for everything. It is not your fault that men have consumed you. It is not your fault that you've been addicted. It's not your fault that you have been abused. It's not your fault that your kindness has been seen as weakness, nor is it weak to see the good in everybody.
My darling girl, you are worthy of love and light and joy and excitement. You are worthy of being adored. Your self-worth does not hinge on the tongue of a lover, but instead it lies in you - and you will find it if only you look deep enough. You are worthy of tenderness and sympathy and understanding. You are worthy of patience. Your heart needn't be caged anymore; a mourning dove with wings like those should only be soaring.
Be kind to yourself. Celebrate yourself. There's a reason you're still alive, even if you don't know what it is right now. It isn't your time yet, so stop running. Breathe in the world around you. This is only the beginning.
I love you to the moon and back,
Your Inner-Peace
