Recovery Emerging

[beebox]

As of today (Sunday) I am two weeks sober. The worst of the withdrawals are over, I believe, and I figure I only have one more week of them until they're gone completely. I'm worried about the one month mark, because cravings can start to creep up around that time, however I can't think about that now too much. That's still way too far into the future. I must remain present.

This last week I've been happier than I've been in ages. Every day I have my head held high, and I can't even tell you the last time I was able to do that. It's a joy for me to wake up in the morning. I'm happy all throughout the day, less some anxiety here and there because it's in my DNA; I just feel so GOOD. And I know I have to take things one day at a time. Enjoy each day on its own. Don't think about tomorrow. But this feels so good.

I also feel very strong. The past year and a half I endured heartbreak after heartbreak accompanied with a raging cocaine addiction. Right now I'm choosing Me. For the first time in my life. Right now I need to be the most important person in my life. I need to be kind to myself, forgive myself, motivate myself, and celebrate myself.

Recovery is a long road, and I'm just in the beginning stages. I have a long, long way to go. But I'm beginning. I'm hopeful. And I'm emerging.

 

[cj]

Remember man it's people places and things. If you Change up all 3 you make things so much easier on yourself.

 

[mrsnowygrainius]

OP sounds like you are on the pink cloud... believe me this feeling you are feeling will not last much longer... be prepared for the darkest, most crippling, hopeless depression to soon take over your mind

not trying to scare you, i just know PAWS too well

 

[simco]

It's fantastic that you're feeling good, beebox. It's also good that you know yourself well enough to anticipate trouble that may present itself (e.g. That one-month mark). My suggestion is to do a bit of planning about how you'll handle difficult moments in the next few weeks. In my experience, cravings and similar feelings are much easier to handle if we have a concrete game plan for handling them when they arise. Are there a couple people whom you trust whose phone numbers you could have on hand? Maybe a place to go if you find yourself alone and at odds with yourself? (In early recovery I went to a *lot* of movie matinees on my own...that was my go to if I started feeling shaky.)

It doesn't matter much what your plans are, so long as you think they'll help.

 

[beebox]

OP sounds like you are on the pink cloud... believe me this feeling you are feeling will not last much longer... be prepared for the darkest, most crippling, hopeless depression to soon take over your mind

not trying to scare you, i just know PAWS too well

I feel like it's already happening? All day today I've felt depressed, lonely, and anxious. I feel like all of my friends dislike me/don't want me around/are annoyed by me and so I'm keeping my distance from a few in particular as not to bother them. I can't tell if it's real or if it's anxiety. Or a bit of both. I feel it right in the center of my chest and it's a bit overwhelming. I'm not even really tempted to use. Just really, really depressed and filled with doubt and self-loathing.

 

[beebox]

It's fantastic that you're feeling good, beebox. It's also good that you know yourself well enough to anticipate trouble that may present itself (e.g. That one-month mark). My suggestion is to do a bit of planning about how you'll handle difficult moments in the next few weeks. In my experience, cravings and similar feelings are much easier to handle if we have a concrete game plan for handling them when they arise. Are there a couple people whom you trust whose phone numbers you could have on hand? Maybe a place to go if you find yourself alone and at odds with yourself? (In early recovery I went to a *lot* of movie matinees on my own...that was my go to if I started feeling shaky.)

It doesn't matter much what your plans are, so long as you think they'll help.

I do have a few close friends whom I feel comfortable enough to go to about this. I just messaged one of them in hopes that I can talk to her about it and give her a heads up. Getting out of the house and going to a movie theatre or a book store or a library or something is a really good idea. Even a park. I feel very at one with nature and I could do some writing there.

 

[beebox]

Remember man it's people places and things. If you Change up all 3 you make things so much easier on yourself.

I need to keep this at the forefront of my mind.

 

[herbavore]

beebox, right now you have a golden opportunity to confront old thought patterns of self-loathing. That has got to be the most destructive thing we humans have to deal with. But it is learned so it can be unlearned. The first step is to question the thoughts when they come up. It's a hard process to describe but it feels almost like leaving your mind and stepping outside of it to observe. Like listening to a friend say, "I'm such a failure." You would automatically have a different response than when you are inside the thought and taking it as a fact or truth about yourself without question. Since self-loathing habits are so much a part of addiction and mental imbalances like depression--it literally is the food these conditions need to live on--it is imperative to confront it and start to shift your internal language from shame and blame to encouragement and support. Stay strong, beebox!

 

[simco]

Hey, beebox...I was just thinking of you. I hope things are going well!

Sim

 

[Jabberwocky]

OP sounds like you are on the pink cloud... believe me this feeling you are feeling will not last much longer... be prepared for the darkest, most crippling, hopeless depression to soon take over your mind

not trying to scare you, i just know PAWS too well

I feel like it's already happening? All day today I've felt depressed, lonely, and anxious. I feel like all of my friends dislike me/don't want me around/are annoyed by me and so I'm keeping my distance from a few in particular as not to bother them. I can't tell if it's real or if it's anxiety. Or a bit of both. I feel it right in the center of my chest and it's a bit overwhelming. I'm not even really tempted to use. Just really, really depressed and filled with doubt and self-loathing.

Recovery can be quite a rollercoaster, but it's no less so than during actively using. I'd actually argue, especially with a cocaine use disorder, that the roller coaster of recovery - while it can be quite intense without the aid of something like cocaine - is far less of the rollercoaster of actual active use. However, now that you aren't relying on the cocaine to regulate your mood anymore, I imagine it might seem overwhelming at times.

Recovery is largely about learning the skills necessary for us as individuals to more effectively regulate our mood without the use of problematic substance we trained ourselves to use for mood regulation. You take the drugs away and you take a powerful coping skill away. Connection is the opposite of addiction, and both recovery and addiction are process characterized by learning, development and bonding.

BL is a fantastic resource in terms of forming the kinds of connections that are fundamental to recovery, but it is only one piece of the picture. Co-regulation is, as one of my teachers like to say, the gold standard of mood regulation. So spending time with people IRL, like sharing their electromagnetic field with those you feel safe being yourself around (so, within a few feet of them - skyping with someone or talking on the phone can be helpful, but it's not as powerful as doing physically sharing space), this is crucial.

What are your relationships like IRL beebox? Like w/ friends, family, colleagues, peers, family, etc. I know when I started really getting into recovery I didn't have much of anything in terms of relationships, and building them up was a rather slow process. But then again, it's all about try-try-try again. If you can find ways to learn to love your problems to death and they will indeed die, and it's far easier to do than you might think. It's all about practice, starting with where ever you're at and working from there.

The slow and steady win this race

Oh yeah, and I found that my expectations surrounding recovery to be rather unhelpful. When my mind spends too much time dwelling on the past or planning for the future, it takes me out of the work I need to do on myself right now. Be open to whatever comes, but please try to keep your expectations sort of permeable and flexible.

 

[beebox]

Hello, everyone. I appreciate all of the recent replies. I plan to answer them shortly.

I haven't been on here in a little bit because I've been struggling mentally lately. Over the last two months or so, my entire life got turned on its head - it started with an abusive relationship and being afraid to leave, and then finally leaving, and having to deal with the fallout and trauma of all of that. On top of it, cocaine withdrawals. On top of it, not having my medications. In the last week I've had three nervous breakdowns. I was close to admitting myself into a psychiatric hospital, but after reading reviews I was terrified of the conditions at the one I was planning to attend. I have a new therapist and I have my first appointment with her on Wednesday. I NEED my medications, but I can't get in to see my new psychiatrist until November as she's all booked up. So, by then, that will be five months total without any of my medications. However, they DID put me on the cancelation list, so hopefully they call me sooner than that. Fingers crossed. These breakdowns have taken a lot out of me - some have started with rage, but most of them have been unbearable despair and bellowing sobs. And in between the breakdowns, all I do is cry silently. Today is a better day, mentally. I'm still mentally and physically exhausted, however, I feel like I'm thinking more clearly today. I found a few of my meds that were left over and I'm hoping that holds me over until my appointment where she can guide me on what I should do next.

On a positive note, even though all of these breakdowns and endless despair, I haven't had many cravings at all for cocaine. In fact, the mere thought of it the last few days has made my stomach turn. Today I am twenty-one (21) days sober.

 

[beebox]

herbavore - This is EXCELLENT advice and I appreciate it so much. I will keep this at the forefront of my mind and remind myself of it often. Thank you so much.

simco - Thank you so much, my dear.

toothpastedog - I have a really strong support system in my parents, which I couldn't be more thankful for. They've been amazing and patient and supportive through ALL of this and I don't know what I'd do without them. I have three very close and wonderful friends who support me and are aware of my situation. Again, I don't know where I'd be without them in my life. My problem while I was using/in this abusive relationship is that I'd tend to isolate myself, even from the people who I knew I could go to. And one cannot help another if they don't know they need it. So that part was always my fault. The thing I'm trying NOT to do now, is isolate myself, because that's when I get into trouble.

Expectations are a big thing for me, too. I always dwell on the past and I'm constantly filled with self-loathing. In the same vein, I'm TERRIFIED of the future. It's very hard for me to stay present, despite various therapists giving me that exact advice.

 

[simco]

TPD's assertion that "connection is the opposite of addiction" is so true, and so wise. And one of the nastiest things about addiction is that when we're under its thumb, isolation feels like the only option (or at least like a very safe option). It's great that you've identified isolation as a hurdle you'd like to overcome during recovery. If you focus on that, and what a realistic, genuine alternative *for your* looks like, you'll be putting yourself in great shape.

Even small connections can be very helpful. And small connections can also help avoid the pitfalls of big expectations. Personally, during recovery, I've made myself have a lot of brief conversations while walking my dog, browsing books at the library, stuff like that. These all took me out of my comfort zone. But cumulatively, I believe they helped me feel less isolated.

Keep up the awesome work, beebox!

 

[beebox]

TPD's assertion that "connection is the opposite of addiction" is so true, and so wise. And one of the nastiest things about addiction is that when we're under its thumb, isolation feels like the only option (or at least like a very safe option). It's great that you've identified isolation as a hurdle you'd like to overcome during recovery. If you focus on that, and what a realistic, genuine alternative *for your* looks like, you'll be putting yourself in great shape.

Even small connections can be very helpful. And small connections can also help avoid the pitfalls of big expectations. Personally, during recovery, I've made myself have a lot of brief conversations while walking my dog, browsing books at the library, stuff like that. These all took me out of my comfort zone. But cumulatively, I believe they helped me feel less isolated.

Keep up the awesome work, beebox!

EXACTLY!!! I can't believe how coyly it goes hand-in-hand with addiction, and how, when you're in the throes of your addiction its almost second-nature. Isolation always led to me using, to me relapsing. That's something I can never do again if I want to maintain sobriety.

That's a good idea. I thought about picking my book back up. For a bit of an escape. It's been ages since I've read and I'm halfway through Picture of Dorian Gray. Maybe I'll do that tonight. Is it weird that when I'm driving I talk to myself? It's relaxing, haha.

Thank you so much! And thank you for the always sound advice!

 

[somnilicious]

So happy for you and your progress Beebox! Isolation and the myriad of feelings that derive from relationships are also my biggest obstacles in recovery. I totally agree with what Toothpaste said. I spent yrs. in my bedroom by myself with little to no human contact while I was using so integration with and feeling connected to others is very difficult for me.

 

[beebox]

So happy for you and your progress Beebox! Isolation and the myriad of feelings that derive from relationships are also my biggest obstacles in recovery. I totally agree with what Toothpaste said. I spent yrs. in my bedroom by myself with little to no human contact while I was using so integration with and feeling connected to others is very difficult for me.

Thank you so much! Isolation is terrible. I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy. And I'm right there with you - I'd always use alone. I didn't want anyone to know, until after when I was coming down and needed someone to tell me I wasn't terrible.

 

[beebox]

Welp, my therapist is sick so she had to call and cancel my appointment for today. She said she was going to call back soon to reschedule. I feel bad she's sick, but I also can't catch a break! I just want to see my doctors. Oh well. I've waited this long. I suppose I can wait a little longer...

 

[simco]

Welp, my therapist is sick so she had to call and cancel my appointment for today. She said she was going to call back soon to reschedule. I feel bad she's sick, but I also can't catch a break! I just want to see my doctors. Oh well. I've waited this long. I suppose I can wait a little longer...

That's a lousy feeling. My old therapist used to go on vacation on the time and it seemed like his trips always coincided with my crises. Hang in there!

 

[beebox]

UPDATE! It was the receptionist who called me to tell me my therapist was out sick for the day. A little while after I posted in here, my therapist called me back herself to tell me that they made a mistake, she was there, and that my appointment was still scheduled.

I'm so glad it was. I got a really good first impression with her and I was comfortable talking to her right off the bat, which is SO important. I told her the rundown of my situation and I plan to go into further detail with EVERYTHING in our upcoming sessions, but today my main concern was the fact that I've been without medication for two months, and that I don't know how I'm going to make it another three months until November when I can get them filled. I told her I considered checking myself into a mental hospital the other day, but that I wanted to wait it out and have my appointment with her, first. She told me that in their facility they have an outpatient hospitalization program that is seven days, from 9am - 3pm. A doctor will be able to prescribe me my medications and I'll also build a wellness plan. Once the program ends for me, my sessions with my therapist will start again. She just has to make sure my insurance will approve it. Fingers crossed! Here's to hoping...

 

[beebox]

Today was my first day of group therapy. I was very nervous, but more so excited. It was a really awesome experience and I found myself participating more than I thought I would. It was a relatively small group - about eight people - and the room we were in was very spacious, I was with people around my own age, and the topics of conversation were really interesting and eye-opening. Also, hearing other people's stories proved to be very insightful, as well. And I started on the best day - Friday, which is pizza day for lunch, lol! My next group session isn't until Tuesday, as Monday is a holiday.

I think this is going to be one of the best things I've done for myself. I feel that from the early-goings. This facility runs like a well-oiled machine. I've been in therapy a lot, and nothing has ever gone as smoothly as things have gone here. I'm very thankful. And the questions and topics of conversation really make me step outside the box and use critical thinking. I also felt that I was helping another girl there today by explaining to her how writing can help one cope. She was saying that she has always found it hard to write, so I gave her some of my personal helpful hints. It felt good.

Also? I HAVE MY MEDICATIONS! He took me off Xanax and replaced it with Klonopin. I just took my first one, so we'll see how that works. Does anyone here have any experience with Klonopin? He kept me on the same meds for Bipolar Disorder, and just lowered the dosages.

I have some homework to do for next week and a lot of chicken-scratch notes to rewrite. File this day under a happy one!