Thizzin,
I feel your pain.
Enough to take a minute to write to you at a very early hour in the morning.
I won't try to convince you that you are just 'thinking' about it too much.
I won't try to blame it on anything except what you have indicated - a bad pill.
But I must point out a VERY basic point - your previous MDMA use undoubtedly played a role in this catastrophic night. Without so much prior exposure, your serotonin system would have been more capable of handling it. The reaserch is pretty clear - repeated exposure, especially re-dosing or dosing multiple days in a row, reliably causes damage to the serotonin network.
I will relate to you on the doctor issue.
After sifting for several months through medical research I realized that going to a doctor would be stupid. That doesn't mean I didn't visit two of them early on, but I certainly never got my hopes up that they would be able to do a DAMN thing.
I did get a few other possible issues ruled out. That's what they are good for.
A neurologist with experience with MDMA is really the only person that can give you the information you want. You are NOT the first patient to be extremely frustrated when a neurologist turned out to be impotent in the face of a horrifying condition. Try to understand that neurology is in it infancy.
I will try, in my tired state, to convey some hope again.
The odds are overwhelmingly in your favor that you will make a clinical recovery. That simply means that your anxiety/depression will one day fade into the background...
Even heavy long term users tend to recover within 1-1.5 years.
I have seen only rare examples of those that go beyond the 2 year mark.
Research does suggest that there are subtle cognitive deficits and there is a long-term/permanent reduction in neuro endocrine response to MDMA or other serotonin antagonists. The frontal lobes, especially the prefrontal cortex, will never regain the original innervation seen.
BUT, if you look you will see that there IS real re-innervation, even in cortical regions. It takes a LONG time, but it does happen. I fucking promise you!
Re-read that statement several times and believe it.
Most of the literature on MDMA agrees on this - MDMA causes a reorganization of the ascending axons of the serotonin network.
I want you to focus on the word 'reorganize'.
It doesn't sound like a linear process, does it?
Do you think your old axons are just going to pop up in their original places?
Of course not.
Remember that the whole serotonin network starts in the rear of the brain. It crawls forward from the brain stem with branches growing thinner towards the face. The PFC in particular is not gifted with the nerve body itself, only the axons or extensions from the cell body nearby.
Somehow this advanced system has got to crawl its way forward through your brain. In a non-linear fashion.
Perhaps as recovery progresses certain parts of the existing network are sacrificed! Why not? It is 'reorganizing' its 'ascending' projections...
Maybe certain mental functions don't just get better as time goes on. Maybe some of them have to get WORSE before they can improve. This is real food for thought.
Ok, so you are at six months.
That's about when I started feeling good enough to stop taking the Piracetam.
Let me tell you, it WILL make a difference.
But it is NOT a cure.
I recommend a few things if you are going to try it.
Take it with fish oil, lots of it, and choline. Lecithin is a GREAT source of choline.
These supplements will work together very nicely.
Also, cycle on and OFF the Piracetam. Don't just decide to take it for the rest of your life. You will feel a MAJOR improvement, but then it plateaus. You will feel pretty normal for a while. This is because it will make your neurotransmitters flow a lot more around the brain. However....
It is like a pause button.
A very important one for a desperate person, but a pause button nonetheless.
It will NOT stop the 'reorganization' that needs to happen.
It will NOT restore the original innervation patterns.
But when you feel amazing from taking it, consider it a real sign of hope that you WILL one day experience joy again.
Then, after a few weeks - face the music and taper off of it.
You have to remember this advice - it is not going to fix you, but you might think it will. Anything that makes you feel 90% better overnight is NOT a cure. Are you with me?
Not only do I recommend cycling on and off that stuff, but there is NO need to take the doses recommended on the bottle! None.
I only needed a fourth of a single pill at MOST per day.
Very small amounts will make a big difference, but it will take a day or so for it to take full effect that way.
Warning - there is anxiety from this transition. It is different than what you are used to. Be prepared for it and warn those around you. It may take several hours to get through it, but when you do you will coast from there. It is really amazing stuff. It allowed me to start eating solid food after four weeks of wasting away...
Now, diet is more important than you realize, my friend.
You have NO business eating JUNK food. At all. None. Stop it...
You need to focus on proteins of all kinds. That means every meat you can think of, eggs, milk, cottage cheese, and LOTS of fish. You need to be getting a variety of these proteins, which contain critical amino acids which are building supplies for the brain, EVERY DAY.
Even if you insist on eating crap too, you absolutely MUST keep a variety of proteins. Ask yourself EVERY day if you have had any.
Now, bananas are your friend. Seriously.
They will help burn calories, they supply b-vitamins which help create neurotransmitters, AND they contain serotonin! Believe me, I eat a goddamn banana every day. Sometimes TWO.
Finally, the best advice I can give you, even above diet.
I'm not the only one saying it either - EXERCISE.
There is NO choice on this one.
Some days I only lift for 10 minutes, but it ALWAYS helps.
After 2 or 3 days in a row - OH MY GOD. I feel fucking incredible.
My symptoms seem to stop altogether. My libido goes up. My emotions settle down. When I stop working out after a 10 day stretch just to heal...I always start to suffer again.
Exercise saved me from the worst of this hell, and it continues to save me now after 8 months. I really don't know how I could have made it without it. If you haven't tried it yet, you need to.
Exercise actually does an incredible thing to the brain.
In addition to helping generate neurotransmitters like dopamine...
Working out increases a specific protein in the brain called BDNF.
Brain derived neutrophic factor is injected into several key regions - including the cortex where most of your suffering is taking place.
This BDNF will stimulate the release of STEM CELLS.
You understand what that means, right?
Certain brain cells can be replaced.
Pushing stem cells into the brain can only help this process.
More than this, BDNF causes a dramatic response by serotonin axons!
They resprout and enjoy increased plasticity due to BDNF.
Not all resprouting is permanent - but it is REAL.
You will feel it, I promise.
It will bring great relief and it speeds up the whole journey, my friend.
Working out will have more value than the damn piracetam.
More than diet...almost more than sleep!
Exercise is your only salvation, so its time to get fit.
You have more reason to do it than ANY one you have ever met. Trust that.
Now is the part where I tell you that I am doing well.
At month six I'm pretty sure I had a stroke. Not a major one, but a stroke nonetheless. The next few days brought an errie type of clarity that is hard to describe.
My head-pressure and occasional brain-zaps have continued, but I am now 2 months off the Piracetam, and I am feeling better than I EVER have without it.
In fact, I am starting to have some of the positive bodily sensations that only the piracetam could bring me before...
Like hot flashes...and sensitivity on the palms of my hands and feet. Not to mention my scalp....and my equipment.
These positive bodily sensations are always accompanied by great emotions and clarity of mind. But they do not persist for more than a few hours.
Then the cycle begins again.
The brain is being re-wired, and it will takes it time.
If you must obsess, find a way to make it productive. Start reading books and learning new things. Find a good book by a neurologist and try real hard to understand. I like to type - I find that running words through my head focuses the energy/anxiety. It has always helped.
And read through some of my old posts if you want a lot more information.
There is quite a lot a long posts if you want them.
But exercise, BDNF, sleep, and good diet/supplements are always my recommendations.
Soon life will start getting a lot easier, I promise.
But it IS a cycle, so it will get worse too.
Expect it and do some damn pushups.
And come back and keep us updated.
Progress is important for others. You never know who will read your experience and when. Make sure to include the full progression of the recovery.
PM me if you want to.
I'm going to sleep after a long night of sex with my wife!
If that isn't a sing of something to live for, I don't know what is...
