Mental Health Eating disorders support thread v.2

[BeckyLee]

Argh. Spurned by a past lover last night. Minor eating binge last night. Partially eddied by my nonfriend, alcohol. Oh hell, at least I don't keep unhealthy food at the house anymore!

No one's perfect...

 

[Jabberwocky]

i don't know how to carry on like this

i thought i was in a stable firm recovery from anorexia until last year when due to massive external stress i lost the ability to eat again. i was petrified of a full relapse but luckily when the stress was removed i found it easier to eat again.

over the past few months i have been feeling more and more depressed and stressed. i can't remember the last time i felt hungry. i have been eating on auto pilot because i do not want to relapse. now i am getting frequent nausea, especially when food is in front of me. it is now affecting how much i eat, i just can't finish most meals now because i feel too sick. i don't know how much longer i can force food down me.

i am getting to a point where all the negative aspects of eating are starting to make failing my phd and putting my boyfriend and family through hell again seem like a better option than force feeding myself. i have tried things like ginger tea which is supposed to be good for nausea.

i should make it clear i do not want to lose weight. i just can't eat. the only time i ever wanted to lose weight during my anorexia was to prove to myself that i was actually anorexic rather than just totally insane.

any advice about how i can continue to fight what is starting to look like an inevitable relapse would be greatly appreciated. i cannot go to hospital again. i have already lost so much health due to anorexia i don't think my life would be worth living if i put my body through that again. if i relapse i am quite sure i will kill myself.

 

[n3ophy7e]

Hi chinup, I am so sorry to hear that you're in this position again. Do you know exactly what the causes of your stress are? Is there a way you could possibly reduce your stressors so that you can get your stress levels down to a more managable level again? I suspect that maybe once you get that figured out, the hunger will come back on its own. Do you think so?

Also, what would you think about getting some counselling during this time, just to try and help you get back in to a good headspace? Have you spoken to any family members about what you're currently experiencing? It might help to have their support, but that is up to you whether or not you get them involved at this point.

For the timebeing please try and maintain a good calorie-intake every day. I know it's hard but you can do it hun

 

[BeckyLee]

i thought i was in a stable firm recovery from anorexia until last year when due to massive external stress i lost the ability to eat again. i was petrified of a full relapse but luckily when the stress was removed i found it easier to eat again.

over the past few months i have been feeling more and more depressed and stressed. i can't remember the last time i felt hungry. i have been eating on auto pilot because i do not want to relapse. now i am getting frequent nausea, especially when food is in front of me. it is now affecting how much i eat, i just can't finish most meals now because i feel too sick. i don't know how much longer i can force food down me.

i am getting to a point where all the negative aspects of eating are starting to make failing my phd and putting my boyfriend and family through hell again seem like a better option than force feeding myself. i have tried things like ginger tea which is supposed to be good for nausea.

i should make it clear i do not want to lose weight. i just can't eat. the only time i ever wanted to lose weight during my anorexia was to prove to myself that i was actually anorexic rather than just totally insane.

any advice about how i can continue to fight what is starting to look like an inevitable relapse would be greatly appreciated. i cannot go to hospital again. i have already lost so much health due to anorexia i don't think my life would be worth living if i put my body through that again. if i relapse i am quite sure i will kill myself.

Chinup, I HIGHLY encourage you to be tested for food allergies, as both of my parents and me have gone through a similar battle as you (vs. nausea); we then discovered GLUTEN to be our personal hell-maker, as well as lactose.

Since then... My appetite has come back like a champ!

Go get tested b/c you never know until you try...

 

[Asclepius]

^^ Sounds like there is something you are terrified of going on with you.
You really need care and attention right now(Not necessarily hospital). Support would really help take the pressure off yourself hun.
Like N3o said eating for nutrition is the most important thing at the moment. Even taking protein shakes or something of that nature to keep you afloat if solid food wont stay down.
Just control the little parts of looking after yourself like talking to someone, seeing a councellor specialising in Trauma/Eating Disorders.
This is breaking my heart.
I know how difficult it is to eat the longer you leave it( stomach shrinking etc)
Please dont put off seeking help any longer. You need to do something now for yourself hun before this problem sabotages you again.

thanks for your reply! yeah it's so hard to break the cycle. my plan is to just get myself out of the house as much as possible, and try and get back into a normal sleeping pattern. i'm definitely going to take a break from smoking weed too! i don't really have any friends or family that i can be open with about this.. but i don't know, i keep thinking about going to the doctors to get help but something is stopping me.

Good plan! I find not isolating one of the greatest deterents too.
Weed is such a curse if you have an ED, def a good idea to drop it!
Please try and give your body a break from the cycle to recover that way hopefully your moods etc may stabalise too and make it easier. Set yourself little goals everyday. Dont forget to reward yourself for them either!
DO get help hun, you only have to disclose as much as you feel comfortable with(I know its difficult initially but it will get easier).

Even today I am reluctant to let go of the control of my ED and I rekon this is one of the reasons I still run back to it.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Do you know exactly what the causes of your stress are? Is there a way you could possibly reduce your stressors so that you can get your stress levels down to a more managable level again? I suspect that maybe once you get that figured out, the hunger will come back on its own. Do you think so?

Also, what would you think about getting some counselling during this time, just to try and help you get back in to a good headspace? Have you spoken to any family members about what you're currently experiencing? It might help to have their support, but that is up to you whether or not you get them involved at this point.

thanks for the replies guys, good food for thought and just having got it down and started thinking about it feels like i've taken a step in the righrt direction.

you're exactly right about getting the stress sorted out. somehow i can't ever have any negative emotions without it immediately sending my appetite haywire. the stress is my phd, nobody else has said anything but i feel like there's no way i can pass. i have already spoken to my supervisor and started working on something new to take a break from the stuff that was really stressing me out. i can't take time out of it- last time i was freed from all academic duties it just made space in my life to totally devote myself to my eating disorder.

i haven't spoken to anyone, i don't want to scare them. there are local support groups both for people who find phds immensely stressful (its quite common!!!) and ed sufferers so i will go to those.

BeckyLee- thanks, that is a really good idea.

Asclepius- yep its terrifying. starting to make me feel like however hard and long i fight this will never go away- which makes me feel like fighting is pointless because i'm just prolonging the inevitable. all of my thought paths are starting to lead me to the conclusion to just give in. i'm not going to yet because i know what the stakes are but its like the anorexia is worming itself back into my brain.

i hope everyone else is doing ok and maintaining the strength to keep fighting.

 

[unhappybunny]

For the eating disorder thread

Bullimia is an incredibly lonely thing for me at the moment. Depsite lots of my friends knowing that I have it, I can never really tell them my inner most thoughts on it somehow, and I feel like I might explode if I don't put them down somewhere. Weighed myself my day and I am officially overweight. Funny how bullimia has, if anything, just made me bigger.

It's not something I've had for very long in the grand scheme of things but it's increased it's hold over me steadily. Before christmas my doctor put me on fluoxetine and it has made a real difference. Whilst the binge/purging never stopped, the extreme depression was lifted most days. Recently I have been forgetting to take them and it has become crashingly obvious that I am totally dependant on them to function day to day. It's a lovely day here, and that certainly improves my mood usually, but I feel close to tears somehow.

My mouth and throat are now constantly sore to varying degrees, presumably from acid damage. Hot food stings when I eat it, had a surprisingly painful cup of tea this morning at work! When I go out with friends I have to go to the toilets to be sick after drinks and food. If I am drunk I don't even care if there are other people in the loos; they just assume I pissed I guess. I'm at a stage now where I think I'm going to have to start avoiding social engagements which involve food/drink (which they nearly always seem to for me).

My biggest hope is that I'll stop eating, I never want to eat again, but I always do.

 

[n3ophy7e]

there are local support groups both for people who find phds immensely stressful (its quite common!!!) and ed sufferers so i will go to those.

That is an excellent idea hun, and I must say I am very pleasantly surprised to hear that there are such support groups! That is great!

I know it's a scary thought to have to tell your loved ones that you're not coping but perhaps even just telling your boyfriend might help to ease the pressure a bit?? It's up to you though hun, I totally understand if you want to keep it to yourself.

Take care okay? And keep us updated with how you're going

 

[Asclepius]

^^ Keep calling it out hun, when you recognise it. Dont let it hide in you or feed off your energy. The Parasitic nature of any Disorder or Addiction is what makes them so stealthy.

Keep yourself as a priority, no matter gow afraid you are that you will scare people with your problem. I know fighting is hard and seems pointless but you only have to fight the enemy and you are stronger than it, despite what it makes you feel about yourself.
Take it very easy with yourself hun, deal with pressure on your terms not because you 'have to'. Good luck with the support groups it so easy to neglect ourselves and when we put our all into something, I fall into that trap allot of the time. Be good to yourself and dont be alone with it.

 

[Jabberwocky]

thanks for the suport guys- sorry it took so long to get back, still haven't had the guts to tell my boyf and we're basically joined at the hip at the weekends so I didnt' want him to see me posting here.

its the holidays so there should be some free uni counselling appointments, think i might as well go for them but haven't made the call yet.

think i might have just inadvertently triggered myself. was taking part in a psychology experiment about genetic motivation for food. had no idea when i signed up that they use some fancy machine to test your body composition and should have pulled about when i found out they did. i weigh significantly more than i thought i did, well into the healthy range, despite my body fat percentage being a couple of points below the healthy range. i know this just means i have lots of muscle, i do go to the gym, but the weight number isn't acceptable. ugh.

unhappybunny - i really hope you manage to get your bulimia in control before it starts taking away your friends and social life as well as your health. i hope you're seeking support, and there's always lovely people in this thread when you're finding things difficult.

 

[n3ophy7e]

^^ Yeah hun that research participation does sound very triggering! I can definitely empathise with that.
Good luck with the counselling appointment at uni, let us know how you're doing okay?

Bullimia is an incredibly lonely thing for me at the moment.

Hi unhappybunny, I'm not sure if you're a registered user already and not comfortable posting under your usual username, or whether you haven't actually signed up yet at all. But either way I would love to chat with you via PM about what you're going through, because I've been there myself. So if you sign up or log in with your regular username, please feel free to PM me to chat okay? Please take care of yourself, you are a beautiful and very worthy person and I wish for you to not be hurting yourself in this way anymore

 

[n3ophy7e]

Fuck fuck FUCK! I've been putting off posting in here about this but I have completely gone off the rails. I'm sorry if anyone finds it hypocritical of me to have been trying to help others in this thread for the last couple of weeks while I've been completely disregarding my own advice

I am yet again in the throes of full-blown anorexia. Food restriction, over-exercising, calorie-counting, abusing diet pills, food obsession etc. I have been surviving off about 30-40 calories a day for the last 7 days. I went to the store today to find something which would be nutritious and not make me freak out about having something in my stomach. I spent about 30 minutes comparing calorie counts and other nutrition info of heaps of different products, finally chose one, came home, made the rice dish I chose, ate it, promptly freaked the fuck out and brought it all back up again

I am absolutely terrified of eating anything. I wish food didn't exist.

The worst part is that after I lost a bunch of weight last week and saw my family on the weekend, they all went on about how great and how healthy I'm looking!! It's like this every time I stop eating! Everyone always tells me how good I look! It's the biggest encouragement to keep doing what I'm doing, and they are all completely oblivious to the effect their words have on me because absolutely NONE of my family know that I suffer from EDs.

 

[OverDone]

I don't have any experience with anorexia, n3o but please know that if there is anything that can be done, please ask. Fuck girl, you are inherently and naturally beautiful. Please know that that fucking mirror is a piece of shit liar.

There are a zillion people here that would do whatever is required to help you through this.

I wish I knew more of things like this but my love and any possible action that can be taken is all that I can offer

 

[woamotive]

I cannot stay awake long enough for a proper post but need to say the following. I need to hold myself accountable.

I was anorexic with bulimic tendencies (in the midst of an ED of sorts) for 6 years. You could say age 17-23. Im nearly 26 now. I hadn't purged for over a year (don't try to figure out the math... *@&$ you). Two night ago, I did. I didnr want to. I am not uncomfortable in my skin. I am underweight, eat what and when I want. I think I just generally hate myself. I seek destruction. So many times I just sit on the bathroom floor and cry, for hours.... at times keeping me awake until 5:30am.

Does a part of me WANT to be sick again?

 

[theartofwar]

^ for bump on what OD said n3o , although frankly im in no place to help anyone atm - i wish you the best dude.

 

[Asclepius]

Fuck fuck FUCK! I've been putting off posting in here about this but I have completely gone off the rails. I'm sorry if anyone finds it hypocritical of me to have been trying to help others in this thread for the last couple of weeks while I've been completely disregarding my own advice

Hun dont in any way feel ashamed, we are all in the exact same boat and these disorders are stealthy and have a way of making us feel like we have to take full emotional control of it, the surreptitious nature of them allows the process of ED's to harbour itself within and let us take sole responsibility for the way it makes us feel like shit. It totally rules with an Iron fist. I totally get what its about, Im always one foot in and one foot out with this fucking thing. So dont worry about being seen as a hypocrite because we all are and that is ok because if we were perfect we wouldnt be able to understand or be of any use to each other. Bloody paradox is you strive, compete and fail and nothing is ever straightforward.

I am yet again in the throes of full-blown anorexia. Food restriction, over-exercising, calorie-counting, abusing diet pills, food obsession etc. I have been surviving off about 30-40 calories a day for the last 7 days. I went to the store today to find something which would be nutritious and not make me freak out about having something in my stomach. I spent about 30 minutes comparing calorie counts and other nutrition info of heaps of different products, finally chose one, came home, made the rice dish I chose, ate it, promptly freaked the fuck out and brought it all back up again

I am absolutely terrified of eating anything. I wish food didn't exist.

You are being honest with yourself about whats going on and that takes balls because this is no easy feat to face the reality of this bloody thing, no matter how many times it has to be done.

Now that the Summer is approaching here I am restricitng big time. I always drop a whole load in the summer; I need to feel light. Have a huge intolerance for my stomach not feeling 'Empty', am not sleeping right because of this but feel this pseudo 'strength'. However, am missing work, am getting flashbacks of summers over the past ten years where I have been in the stuck in the same obsessional thinking- and its depressing.

The only thing that helps me is to have safe foods. Nutrition is a word I feel comfortable with.
These are a list of stuff that I feel farely comfortable with ATM :Mackarel and Shellfish, Smoothies, sometimes a under a two Fist sized portion of Oats and Vegetables.
I have put in the 'Safe Category' for myself because I am terrified of becoming malnourished and the ensuing Brain Freezes and Creative Numbing that will go with not Eating right.
Carbs are Demonic for me and go into the Binge Food Category, because Of this I allocate Oats as an alternative if my body is craving Carbs and I am afraid Il go overboard.
I get them to half the serving of the non-Fat yoghurt at the Smoothie bar usually(which is stupid!) However if Im ever afraid of eating I will have one to two Smothies a day(one with the full amount of yoghurt because fruit juice wont fill the gap alone)
Bugger Im ranting too much about this but think it helps with working with where your at, work to 'outsmart' the ED by focusing on Nutrition it helps shift the focus of weight loss alone over to mental and physiological maintenance.
Not saying my attitude is healthy at all but it is 'Healthier than full blown restriction based on calories alone'.
The only reason I dont let the Oily fish thing freak me out is because my fear of black Depression and Mental Breakdown is probably worse than that of putting on weight(but I still squeeze most of the Oil out of the tin). Omega 3 is another word I feel is 'friendly'.

I am not Eating proper meals though. Am avoiding as much as I can which is leading me to Obssess about B/P ing and over the weekend I was feeling faint and tired all the time(which wasnt helped by Alcohol which manages to act as a Tournaquet for the hunger pangs).

I am not Calorie Counting, I do however take into account Fat content and Carb content. I leave it at that. I have a compulsion to overexcercise but am weak alot of the time. Probably because if I do have to walk somewhere I fukin power walk, I get like amillion things done in very little time. I am not economic with the way I use my energy.
I will go to the gym if I can sit down to conciously and mindfully eat 3 times a day. Otherwise Im not going to let myself and then I can suffer the uncomfortableness of it as a consequence.

Can you manage to try and portion out at least one 'meal'(that constitutes just enough) that will be 3 portions of something nutritious? Do you think that you could break the impact of the cycle by doing this.

The worst part is that after I lost a bunch of weight last week and saw my family on the weekend, they all went on about how great and how healthy I'm looking!! It's like this every time I stop eating! Everyone always tells me how good I look! It's the biggest encouragement to keep doing what I'm doing, and they are all completely oblivious to the effect their words have on me because absolutely NONE of my family know that I suffer from EDs.

I hate this. This always bloody happens! The 'reward' is overwhelming and fuels the bloody restriction.
Hate people IRL commenting on how I look, cannot handle it and I especially hate not being able to handle it!
Feeling controlled by others perceptions is fucking lonely as hell.
Please PM me if you need to disclose anything that helps you with this hun.

Please be kind to yourself sweet one, this shit rips out all or any real, human self esteem and replaces it with something purely conditional and narcissistic that disguises itself as Esteem. Dont forget who you are; you are more than a few comments, more than a size whatever. Life/Society can be so cruel and blind dont ever completely cave into the attitude of joining it because you cant beat it. You honestly seem like an amazing woman who is extremely kind hearted and Id imagine that you're more clever than you even let people IRL realise or that you feel you can even show! ( And thats not Ass kissing BTW) I know Anorexia has got you in a head lock but that doesnt take away from the reality of who you really are, dont forget about yourself, despite whats going on.

 

[Asclepius]

I cannot stay awake long enough for a proper post but need to say the following. I need to hold myself accountable.

I was anorexic with bulimic tendencies (in the midst of an ED of sorts) for 6 years. You could say age 17-23. Im nearly 26 now. I hadn't purged for over a year (don't try to figure out the math... *@&$ you). Two night ago, I did. I didnr want to. I am not uncomfortable in my skin. I am underweight, eat what and when I want. I think I just generally hate myself. I seek destruction. So many times I just sit on the bathroom floor and cry, for hours.... at times keeping me awake until 5:30am.

Does a part of me WANT to be sick again?

I really replaced self-haming with purging initially, as a kid. It felt like a huge release until it started to become an obsessive-comp cycle.
I dont think being uncomfortable in your own skin necessarily means your focused on your size/insecure about your weight. It is much deeper than that I think. Punishing the Body, especially the Gut. Wanting to empty the Gut; well its a huge metaphor in itself.
The Gut is the seat of intuitive intelligence. When this is thwarted or it cant find a way to express itself freely/safely we can declare war on it.

Am so sorry you are going through this anguish woamotive.
Sounds like your bombarded with feelings that you cant comprehend ATM.

 

[n3ophy7e]

Ascelpius
Your words made me cry hun But in a good/healing kinda way, so thank you, so much

I got drunk last night and ate some toast and a hardboiled egg. The egg is fine, that's only about 50 cal. But the toast is looming over me, I am so guilty about eating it. I feel as guilty as though I've cheated on my boyfriend. I am so depressed this morning all because of two pieces of toast. Fucking crazy.

I'm going out to lunch with my sister today so hopefully that will help me to feel a bit more "normal" about eating by bringing the social aspect back to meal time. I will also be distracted long enough after eating not to be able to purge afterwards.

I actually have GOT to stop purging, no two ways about it. I'm doing Singing as a subject at uni this semester and whenever I purge the acid burns my vocal chords and makes my voice hurt like hell and sound like shit. My uni marks depend on the health of my vocal chords so I absolutely cannot do the purge thing anymore. I have to keep reminding myself of this.


woamotive my heart goes out to you hun, we're both in a bit of a rough patch at the moment. Take care lovely

 

[Asclepius]

^ Glad it was in a good way hun.

I completely, understand the 'Toast'/Carbs guilt scenario...all one can do is accept whats been done, that nothing disasterous happed and draw a line under it(easier said than done I know but its better to let thoughts spar with feelings than let the feelings rule everything alone). Know the guilt niggles but your body needed it. I think sometimes I get drunk because subconsciously I need to get some carbs in anyway. Sometimes the body has it's own wiles! (Not minimising the shame/guilt cause it can be overwhelming.)

Hope the lunch went okay for you? It is much easier to eat in a controlled social setting alright(esp when you have an idea of the menu). Much prefer eating as 'an experience'
Hope you enjoyed it somewhat N3o, company always helps take the focus of the food obsession!

Would excercising help replace the purging temorarily ie stomach crunches or something that would help simulate it? I often do crunches if im trying to abstain, also some deep breathing and Yoga Postures.
Sometimes this works for me, sometimes not. :/

Am meeting my Ex today for some salad, fuckin awesome! I hate eating on my own.
(Geesus I just realised how ridiculously sad that sounds lol but I do look forward to it so screw it )

 

[woamotive]

Asclepius, n3ophy7e : Thank you both for your words - it's nice to know that at least someone ('potentially, truly') cares about that aspect of my life.

I'm happy to say I haven't purged, thought about purging, overate (though, really ate much of NOTHING), since then. Nor do I want to or think I will. I did however sleep in, call work to tell them I wasn't coming in (worked from home - Queen of excuses), bought an 8 ball... used coke/OC/smoked weed all day and will take benzos to sleep tonight. In my defense this is not typical (I only use oxycodone and take my benzos - both prescribed, each day). Point being - drugs have been my replacement for the eating disorder. I fear that w/o drugs I will revert. I will have nothing (and 'me'? I'll have 'me'? Please.

I really hate the way I'm feeling, but I hate more than so many of you are feeling the same way. As an extremely emotional (in a way that means... I become attached emotionally to people) person, I feel connected to everyone I exchange words with - even through here. I want the best for each and every one of you, and wish I could help you (all). Somehow.

-A fucking lonely, Me.

* I already feel extraordinarily shameful, regarding my post. Such self loathing vomit in the form of (those) words. - curious word choice, I must add.