Mental Health Eating disorders support thread v.2

[NotQuiteAnonymous]

But what's the underlying drive behind trying to improve your appearance? What's the point of being more "physically attractive", at least in your own eyes, if you will? Is it to feel more confident? If so, then do you derive your confidence and self worth through how you think others view you? Or is it that you simply feel happy when your physical appearance matches the one you want? In that case, think carefully and see if you can identify why you even want your physical appearance to be the one that you want.

For me it was not so much about confidence or feeling attractive as to not feel physically sick when thinking about my body...this is something that started when I was very young when I was being bullied about my weight.

Even when I was the weight I thought would make me 'perfect' it was never enough to make me feel happy, because I still saw myself as I was before I lost any weight. The mirror plays tricks on you.

I don't weigh myself anymore (it only gets done at the doctor's office) and I hadn't looked at my body in a full length mirror in months until yesterday...i tilted the mirror so I couldn't see my face attached to my body and took a look and was ok with what i saw...not confident...but not sick either and I know I weigh the same as I did when I developed an eating disorder half my life ago when I was almost 13 (and this weight is a healthy weight for my height). The weird thing is, I know if I tilted the mirror enough to attach my face to my body, it would have bothered me. It would make the body mine and the scrutinizing would begin.

Since the eating disorder stunted my growth, I haven't grown an inch in height (I am the runt of my family at 5'9.5" tall). I still fit into the same bras that were first purchased for me when I was a chubby 9 or 10 year old...but that's not much of a surprise because I'm pear-shaped just like this whole thing had become. I was supposed to reach a weight and be perfectly comfortable as myself and it never happened...

 

[n3ophy7e]

But what's the underlying drive behind trying to improve your appearance? What's the point of being more "physically attractive", at least in your own eyes, if you will? Is it to feel more confident? If so, then do you derive your confidence and self worth through how you think others view you? Or is it that you simply feel happy when your physical appearance matches the one you want? In that case, think carefully and see if you can identify why you even want your physical appearance to be the one that you want.

Ahhh if only it was that simple

Nibblez, eating disorders are extremely hard to explain to anyone who hasn't been in the grip of them. Even my boyfriend who has supported me and seen me go through countless bouts of both anorexia and bulimia still doesn't really understand what it's about.

I can really only speak of my own personal experience: For many reasons, all derived from my childhood and upbringing, I place an extremely high level of importance and self-worth on my appearance. It is not a conscious process, it is all on a subconscious level, which makes it so much harder to consciously make the right decisions about eating and food-related behaviour. I FEEL better, like, physically more comfortable when I am thinner. I feel more worthy of people's respect and I feel much more confident within myself. It is not an aesthetic thing, e.g. that I think I look more beautiful or better than other people. In fact, whenever I'm suffering badly from the ED mentality, it's actually the opposite and I believe that I'm less attractive than everyone else and therefore I must continue to deprive myself of calories so that I can achieve the self-satisifaction.

All of that aside, in terms of what actually causes eating disorders, there is a strong link between serotonin and distorted body image, and also serotonin is very active in the process of appetite and satiety. So apart from the obvious media and social factors that are involved in the steady increase of eating disorders amongst people, and in particular females, there is also the biological and genetic factors as well.

If you have any more questions please feel free to ask. I think it's really cool when people come in to threads like this wanting to learn more about the problem, rather than just turn a blind eye to it like most people who don't understand it. So kudos to you

 

[S.M.F.G]

Stumbled past here and thought of a question i could possibly put to you all here in this thread....

So i dont eat well.... i dont never eat eg im not anorexic, and i dont eat then barf so im not beliemic. but my patterns are stange... can go for 3 days without food then all of a sudden pig out, sometimes i eat lunch and dinner over a period of a couple of days.... but rarley... one meal a day is the best it gets most of the time and a lot of the time i dont even have that.... eg il eat dinner maybe 3-4 nights out of the week, other than that i live on liquid, pills, and b 12 injections, when i eat i eat i love all sorts of food yet have these periods where i will just not feel like it.... I'm also getting fat (ive always been twiggy) i dont like this but i eat fuckall so its not like i can cut back on eating, i eat rather healthy exept 4 the fact i rarley eat greens, im carnivirious... do i have a problem of some obscure kind? should i take this up with my psyc or doc?
many thanks in advance and sorry if thisw is in the wrong place, just seemed to fit.

 

[n3ophy7e]

Hmm nah it's not in the wrong place hun.

A couple of things come to mind with your situation:

*When you don't eat, sometimes your body's metabolism slows down because it thinks it needs to store and keep whatever food you DO eat for longer periods of time because it's not getting a regular source of energy. So you will actually put on weight even though you're not eating much at all.
Granted this doesn't occur with all body types, but it does occur with some, including mine.

*There could be a medical reason why you're putting on weight. If you honestly think that this is a NOT psychological thing, i.e. that it's not that you think you're gaining weight but you're really not (for example: I "see" a fat person whenever I look in the mirror, but in photos I can see that I'm not fat, therefore when I see myself in the mirror the fat person is just in my mind), then it is definitely worth discussing with your regular doctor. There are a lot of different conditions which can cause unexplained weight gain, and even medications that can cause weight gain, so it might be worth getting checked out.

Let us know how you go okay?

 

[S.M.F.G]

^ thanks hey
good few bits of info, much apprecieated

id personaly put it down to medications as ive been thru many in the last year... still dfinitly worth talkin with doc about, im pretty sure its not in my head, i just notice my gut and ass gettin fat, ive always been thin in the arms n legs, thats not changed, it just seems to be going on in all the wrong places... not helping my self esteem i suppose.
will definitly report back after ive spoken to my doc and psycologist.

 

[n3ophy7e]

No worries hun

 

[OxyDillyKing]

Besides the 3 or 4 times a day i shoot up my oxy 30s, the only comfort i get is food. i am so defeated and down i live in a wasteland. never read philosophy when youre depressed. everything you thought you knew will be gone. ive gained 40 ( im 191 now ) from eating on Suboxone the past 2 years. i am 5'10 . im still not fat. i relapsed on oxys last week. everything is falling apart

 

[Asclepius]

^Sorry to hear your having a hard time hun
Sounds like your really depressed. Food is my sole comfort ATM but my Enemy too.
One major Anxiety I have about Anti-D's is that I will put weight on, although Im putting weight on without them now!
I find as well, that deep serious thinking when your depressed can make things worse, I try to stay on the 'lighter' Affirmations; even though sometimes I find them difficult to apply to myself but just trying to keep things a bit simpler is better. Also focusing on how other people are struggling too is a great support, makes me feel less alienated in the mire.

 

[NotQuiteAnonymous]

the voice of love

I'm a sucker for advice columnists and awhile back I stumbled upon the Ask Bossy Blog written by Kate de Brito. One of today's pieces responded to someone who, IMHO, many of us can relate to in one way or another...b/p, limiting calories, fear of gaining weight, an escalating substance use/abuse and desiring control/power...

If you would like to read the blog entry, I must warn you that the letter written asking for help may be triggering and if you do not feel secure at the moment you may want to skip the letter and only read Bossy's reply.

I wanted to share part of Bossy's response with you...it gave me chills:

"the voice of an eating disorder is made up of many elements - society, your own sense of self, your upbringing...
...At some point you will recognise this voice is not - and will never be - your “true” voice, the voice of love within you. It is the dark side, and it will swallow you whole."


The blog post is titled Sometimes I only eat 400 calories a day but it still seems too much. You can read the whole entry by clicking the linked post title. If you only wish to read Bossy's response, scroll down the page. All in all, I feel her response is excellent...motivational...compassionate...understanding...inspirational...

Even though I'm not the person who wrote asking for advice...I feel like the response was addressed to me.

I finally feel a spark of life stirring within me...I finally feel like moving forward by fighting through this mess.

For the first time in over 13 years, I have hope that someday very soon I can put my self-destructive behaviors behind me and begin truly living life freely one day soon.

If you feel up to it, take a look...maybe hope will give you strength too...

 

[n3ophy7e]

^^ Thanks so much for the link NQA

 

[tremours]

I dont know if im capable of eating healthy. It seems like i always go from one extreme to the other. I either restrict and starve myselve or i eat very limited varities of food, pretty much the same thing every day. I know i need to eat healthier but the only way i can convince myself to change is to lose weight, which makes me want to start to restrict or even purge again. I realy need some advice on how to get on a healthy diet, cause i know right now im not doing myslef any good going back and forth, from eating to not eating. I swear if it wasnt for pot or even alcohol id probably never eat. Any ideas on healthy diets cause i need to do something different before i fuck my body up completely?

 

[BeckyLee]

glitter kiss-
I have struggled with ED behavior for over ten years... I guess it's a lifelong battle. I HAVE gotten a lot better about binge/purging and my eating habits in general because I only stock healthy foods at my house now. That way I'm not even TEMPTED to overdo it! I know some people can eat a little bit of everything and be fine, but I'm not quite there yet. I FEEL like I'm getting closer though! Every day of eating healthy and exercising and feeling GOOD about yourself is another pat on the back!

The best thing you can do for yourself, IMO, is to exercise EVERY day, even if it's just a walk... It will make you feel SO much better about yourself, raise your endorphins and metabolism too. Plus, I've found that sunshine profoundly affects my moods. Send me a PM if you want to chat more. I'm always looking to help others with this disease that has profoundly affected my life, tooo....

 

[belarki]

Wow this thread was well and truly buried. I hope that's indicative of everyone doing well! :D

I'm doing okay; eating pretty healthily and maintaining a consistent weight. I'd be happy to lose a few kilos but would probably then have people freaking out over my health again I'm also strongly considering moving from a lacto-ovo vegie diet to a vegan diet which will mean micro-managing what I eat even more.

Anyway I had a bit of an incident on the weekend that shook me up a bit. I was working crowd care at a major electronic music festival here and ended up looking after this ano. girl for a few hours in the evening. The poor lass was so tiny, alone, freezing, soaked (the festival was a muddy mess), bandaged from being on a drip, and from I gathered tripping. I have never felt such an overwhelming urge to comfort and look after someone and I spend a lot of time at these events caring for sick people. I guess it triggered a bit of self-reflection as that would have been me 10 years ago...

 

[Asclepius]

^ Karma right there, isnt it... Touching that you could empathise with that girl so intimately Belarki.

Delighted this is bumped up! Was going to go look for it but am full of shame aTm and just ignored it, have to start getting real about my issue. Can easily delude myself into thinking that I have 'grown out' of it.

Slipped today and Over-ate, I havnt b/p'd for about 2 weeks now, was delighted with that!
...However, have been relying too much on Alcohol...again...tired of these cycles...feel like im holding onto alot of uncertainty and really at odds with how to cope 2 be honest...

Someone at work commented on how I was 'slim' and I suddenly got transported into that bloody E.D. thinking: 'Oh god, thats a compliment but what if I put on weight, what will they think of me then...blah blah blah'-Geesus I wish I didnt get so caught up in that way of thinking anymore, I just DONT want to be that person who gets so self-obsessed by one throw away comment.

Ive been over controlling my diet too of late, frightened of eating anything unfamiliar incase I slipped, so not enjoying food(as I love/need to), guess the overly, regimented way took over from a basic desire to have a healthy, disciplined diet...

I have no control over this. I will be sick tomorrow because I didnt purge and I will feel 'fat' so am going to have to come to terms with it and stop making a dramatic issue out of it, cause its only going to harm and depress me and I will get worse. I slipped again, as I have a million times before Im not perfect, the world wont end because I ate more than I should and i am not my weight. Thats my Mantra for the present.

 

[kace]

I've been such a mess recently! Staying up all night b/ping, then sleeping the day away and b/ping again. I can't stop. I feel so guilty at the moment as I fell asleep before getting rid of everything. I have it into my head that if I stop by midnight I can have a fresh start next week.

 

[n3ophy7e]

kace I really feel for you hun. It's such a hard cycle to break especially when you're doing it for prolonged periods every day.

Is there something that you can do to distract yourself during the times when you're B/Ping?? Have you got a friend or family member you can talk to about what you're going through? You CAN break the cycle hun, it takes effort but you have to believe that you can stop this, because you can


belarki and Aslecpius, how are you both doing??

 

[kace]

kace I really feel for you hun. It's such a hard cycle to break especially when you're doing it for prolonged periods every day.

Is there something that you can do to distract yourself during the times when you're B/Ping?? Have you got a friend or family member you can talk to about what you're going through? You CAN break the cycle hun, it takes effort but you have to believe that you can stop this, because you can


belarki and Aslecpius, how are you both doing??

thanks for your reply! yeah it's so hard to break the cycle. my plan is to just get myself out of the house as much as possible, and try and get back into a normal sleeping pattern. i'm definitely going to take a break from smoking weed too! i don't really have any friends or family that i can be open with about this.. but i don't know, i keep thinking about going to the doctors to get help but something is stopping me.

 

[n3ophy7e]

Yeah I totally understand that hun. It took a long time for me to not only admit to myself that what I was doing (B/Ping) wasn't right, but also to get help. It's really hard to talk about it because often there is a lot of shame surrounding what we do to ourselves. But if you feel that you need help, and if you're ready to face your ED, you should try and push yourself a bit out of your comfort zone and see a doctor about it, because you will be thankful in the long run that you did

 

[BeckyLee]

I WAS going from healthy-unhealthy-healthy-unhealthy CONSTANTLY, even recently. :-(

And I also must admit, I still feel a small thrill when I see the number on the scale has dropped, or look at my stomach when I wake up and see that it is "buffer/thinner."

BUT... I *THINK* I may have finally mastered the art of MAINTAINING a good weight! (Crosses fingers)

I am not sure if it is cool to post numbers here... Let me know N3o... BUT-

I know every person is different, but for me personally changing both my attitude AND my exercise routine has helped me out LOTS....

I got this book, "Yoga on the Go," (which I highly recommend to everyone) which has showed me how to add basic simple yoga moves throughout my day, while doing everyday things (such as brushing teeth). I do the majority in the bath/shower/bathroom mostly b/c I keep my bathroom very clean, orderly, and girly, and DAMN, for me anyway, I can focus a hell of a lot better on my body, the stretch, and my breathing when I'm all by myself off in "my world."

I don't JUST do yoga, but I mix it up with other calisthenics, such as pilates, and have eased off on my running (bad for the dog, good for me). I walk now usually.

Anyway, I'm finally balancing my calorie/nutrient intake with my exercise routine *apparently* b/c I've been able to maintain a healthy look which I LOVE for the last several weeks!

Loving yourself is the most wonderful feeling.

 

[n3ophy7e]

I am not sure if it is cool to post numbers here... Let me know N3o... BUT-

Generally it's not cool to post actual numbers in here hun, it's too potentially triggering. I'm sure you understand, thank you for checking first!

Loving yourself is the most wonderful feeling.

This is SO so true hun. I am so happy for you that you're in such a good space at the moment, I am really proud of you