Mental Health Eating disorders support thread v.2

[Asclepius]

^Supermarkets/clothes shops/restraunts/cafes...people dont have a clue.
Am so sick of feeling like a fucking alien because of this thing.
My life is fucked up atm. Its severe and am dealing with the fact that its getting worse...if I didnt have an eating disorder I would have nothing to live for, plain and simple.
I actually prefer not to eat(just liquids) too because when I eat It is usually a binge/threat of turning into a binge/ unless I restrict which offers no pleasure but i can achieve until I get a chance to binge/purge. I just want to feel empty-its the only thing that gives me any strength that I know of.
Know I am very depressed aTM and ate shit two evenings this week followed by three days of staying in bed and eating nothing out of guilt.
Every moment is joyless/meaningless atm. Thing is I can deal with it but am getting tired of having to, too long, same outcomes.

 

[Jabberwocky]

i'm petrified. all of my resources to fight have run out and now anorexia seems like a really attractive prospect. i already feel some numbness from slight (involuntary) resriction but its not enough i need more. but i'll lose everything. everything i recovered for. its already affecting my mood, my relationship with my boyf- he's done the food shop for the last 3 weeks. the shopping list has become an argument. i'm not prepared to go through treatment again, i'd rather die. whats the point. i don't want to do this to my family and boyf again but i see no other option. i'm still fighting and that gets me 500+ cals a day (at my worst i was less than 100 unless i was having wine). i've sued it as an excuse to drink more, but thats just as unhealthy.

i'd gotten used to suicidal ideation recently, but that was about other cirumstances. this isn't something i'm prepared to live through again.

whats the point in recovery when you end up back at the start 3 years later? am in not just prolonging the pain for everyone who loves me? is it not better for them and me to just end this now?

i feel insulting even to post here. i'm on between 500+ cals a day, not including alcohol. if i was truly anorexic that would be far less including alcohol. there's nowhere i can go.

 

[Asclepius]

i'm petrified. all of my resources to fight have run out and now anorexia seems like a really attractive prospect. i already feel some numbness from slight (involuntary) resriction but its not enough i need more. but i'll lose everything. everything i recovered for. its already affecting my mood, my relationship with my boyf- he's done the food shop for the last 3 weeks. the shopping list has become an argument. i'm not prepared to go through treatment again, i'd rather die. whats the point. i don't want to do this to my family and boyf again but i see no other option. i'm still fighting and that gets me 500+ <snip> cals a day (at my worst i was less than 100 unless i was having wine). i've sued it as an excuse to drink more, but thats just as unhealthy.

Really feel for you here Chinup!
I really know what its like to be bowled down by this shit.
Your numbing your feelings-whatever they are atm- there is some feelings of incompetence that you are terrified of and they arent going away.
Have you any idea what they are?
I think naming and facing them, will help...there are probably a complex of them but try and work on a few at a time, this is good enough; easier said than doneI know but it will help.

I feel the exact same way about treatment ATM but I am keeping the option of therapy open(although Im really frightened of facing some stuff).
What about you, are you going to therapy/would you consider it, as it may help the Ana taking over again.

Am concerned that you are taking on too much on your own. Have read that you are doing a PHD, I think?, and there is obviously other things going on for you in your life, so having the Anorexia creeping in is one more thing that is going to sabotage the rest of your life.

i'd gotten used to suicidal ideation recently, but that was about other cirumstances. this isn't something i'm prepared to live through again.

Stress is going to fuel this, I too am accepting of the suicidal thoughts I have but I think TBH I am becomming a little too complacent with my own situation.
I hate to say it, am terrified of change ATM but I am also aware that I am settling for less than what I should.

It sounds to me like maybe you are doing the same, especially if your using the Anorexia to deal with life atm.
Just be aware of what you are doing to yourself(primarily)... hurting the others in your life is just the product of what waya you are treating yourself.
It isnt okay to blame yourself for this hun. You didnt ask for it, its not all under your control.

whats the point in recovery when you end up back at the start 3 years later? am in not just prolonging the pain for everyone who loves me? is it not better for them and me to just end this now?

The point is to battle it in the moment as it arises. -you win battle by battle and with each one you allow yourself to gain strength, you have to aknowledge your strength Chin up. Real strength comes about when you are at your lowest and your still alive.

Falling down doest mean you lose.
Collapsing into defeat because you are recognising the problems is self-sabotage and exacerbates/fuels the ED. It is okay to feel frightened, it is normal.

ED mentally allows us the control to narrow out perspectives into something less complex but then doesnt stop and starts to funnel everything into a narrower and narrower position which seems temporarily more straightforward until it tapers off into nothingess and you end up with feelings of nothingness and despair.

i feel insulting even to post here. i'm on between 500+ <snip>cals a day, not including alcohol. if i was truly anorexic that would be <snip>much less including alcohol. there's nowhere i can go.

As you know this is the anorexia speaking, what Im reading/feel here is: ''you're never good enough, your not even worthy to be called anorexic''

...I know this too well.

I had in the past month lost a lot of weight again and I was still feeling gross and not good enough, always feeling at a handicap just out of reach of what I need to feel I acheved that 'right' look/weight, simply because being me is the handicap...

The only thing I have ever learned from my E.D. is how unbelievably unsatisfied and unworthy I feel. I hate the fucking thing and I cant shake it off completely.

*...but I also know, its not always got the upperhand and that makes me feel confident, that is my work, my strength and simply mine!

I hope you aknowledge your spirit hun, especially when the nagging voice of this disorder is trying to quench it. It is terribly deceiptful. Keep affirming yourself, despite it.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Have you any idea what they are?
I think naming and facing them, will help...there are probably a complex of them but try and work on a few at a time, this is good enough; easier said than doneI know but it will help.

I feel the exact same way about treatment ATM but I am keeping the option of therapy open(although Im really frightened of facing some stuff).
What about you, are you going to therapy/would you consider it, as it may help the Ana taking over again.

Am concerned that you are taking on too much on your own. Have read that you are doing a PHD, I think?, and there is obviously other things going on for you in your life, so having the Anorexia creeping in is one more thing that is going to sabotage the rest of your life.

It sounds to me like maybe you are doing the same, especially if your using the Anorexia to deal with life atm.
Just be aware of what you are doing to yourself(primarily)... hurting the others in your life is just the product of what waya you are treating yourself.
It isnt okay to blame yourself for this hun. You didnt ask for it, its not all under your control.


The point is to battle it in the moment as it arises. -you win battle by battle and with each one you allow yourself to gain strength, you have to aknowledge your strength Chin up. Real strength comes about when you are at your lowest and your still alive.

Falling down doest mean you lose.
Collapsing into defeat because you are recognising the problems is self-sabotage and exacerbates/fuels the ED. It is okay to feel frightened, it is normal.

ED mentally allows us the control to narrow out perspectives into something less complex but then doesnt stop and starts to funnel everything into a narrower and narrower position which seems temporarily more straightforward until it tapers off into nothingess and you end up with feelings of nothingness and despair.


...

I had in the past month lost a lot of weight again and I was still feeling gross and not good enough, always feeling at a handicap just out of reach of what I need to feel I acheved that 'right' look/weight, simply because being me is the handicap...

The only thing I have ever learned from my E.D. is how unbelievably unsatisfied and unworthy I feel. I hate the fucking thing and I cant shake it off completely.

*...but I also know, its not always got the upperhand and that makes me feel confident, that is my work, my strength and simply mine!

I hope you aknowledge your spirit hun, especially when the nagging voice of this disorder is trying to quench it. It is terribly deceiptful. Keep affirming yourself, despite it.

hey, firstly i'm really sorry for posting the potentially triggering bits, i've edited them out now.

i'm in a rush as i have a course to go to but will respond to what i can now.... firstly thank you for your wise and supportive words.

i think my deep down worries are pretty summed up when you said 'the only thing my ED has taught me is how unbelievably unsatisfied and unworthy i feel.' i've always felt like this. i'm also just petrified, literally of life. soon i wont be able to put it off any longer, i am going to have to face up to the responsibillities that most people seem to tackle without a problem.

i've started lying to avoid meals too. only when its easy but its not a good path to start down.

i am really sorry you are struggling too, it sounds like you've been finding it far harder to fight, i'm only just starting to give in really but its getting into my brain and making me actively want it. not having time to go to the gym hasn't helped as i feel like a fat flabby pig. i hope you manage to keep on top of it and don't lose anymore weight. i hope you find it in you to fight, i don't want you to get to the end again and find that al this has done is brought nothingness and despair, because you're totally right about that.

ok i have to go so sorry if this reply is rushed/incoherent/anything i always get really stressed when i have to be somewhere by a set time, let alone somewhere i don't know!

late edit, don't really want to bump the thread. my boyf is cooking a curry for me and my new housemate and her boyf and i'm sat in my room alone crying about the fact i have to eat it. i'm really pissed off at him but i can't start things on a bad footing with this new girl. i can't take any benzos to make me just not care, or i can but tolerance is rising and it zonks me out for work the next day, my work going well is my path out of here. i'm stuck.

 

[Asclepius]

Im bumping

I understand the calorie obsession.

How are you doing hun?

With regards to the meal:
Can you comprimise with the meal situation? I mean surely there can be some compromise?

I know that I am at the stage where I will not be forced to eat what I feel uncomfortable with but will eat something 'safe'(If in a pretty bad state-usually a small, plain salad! Yum. 8))...but at least I feel I can participate somewhat in the 'social' side...I know all this depends on where you are with your ED at the moment but I think it may be worth accepting where you are and building on it, if possible.

...Id say most people 'know' I have food 'issues' especially when it comes to eating in public/unfamiliar company.

Can you say your allergic to 'such and such'...? Anything to take the stigma off and reduce anxiety, temporarily. Am not saying this in relation to help you maintain a low weight; it is to maintain a lack of fear-if you catch my drift?
I am suggesting this because I dont think its fair on you to be going through the trauma of facing a social situation over food. I think this still gives it more power than you(which it has anyway, but you need to lessen this)
I think being sneaky with it and outwitting it, helps somewhat, ya know?

It is your body and your decision what you put into it and eating something that might be seen as 'strange' or make others feel uncomfortable...well simply-fuck them!

I think it may help to start taking steps toward making a decision about what you alone are comfortable with eating for the time being. At least that will help with the anxiety a little.

 

[**hAyzzZZ**]

^There is actually nothing more I hate than eating in public. Fuck. Or being bossed around and told what TO eat. It makes me become even more anal and pedantic about what i DO choose to eat.

 

[Asclepius]

Me too Hayzz...Im exactly the same hun. :/

 

[Ixchellian]

Does gastropareisis get misdiagnosed often as something like flu or anorexia?

After all these years..... something did a number to my guts and the vagus nerve.... and it suspiciously started to be bad when I stopped taking opiates and other pills by the handfuls. Now, a year after quitting opiates, not even loperamide and ounces of raw ginger can keep my broken and useless organic food-processing unit from acting up every day..... along with the occasional overflow.

When I quit junk, I actually made it up to my normal weight/height ratio.... but from 170lb and 34" waist last January, back down to 130lb and a 28" waist.

Not only all that, but I was growing my hair back out long.... and when this shit happens my hair stops growing too, or even starts falling out. >_<

I wonder..... since I started doing low-dose 2C-I and 2C-E..... they give me the rumble guts like anything psychedelic that effects seratonin.
But after each doses' residual high has worn off, my stomach is oddly calm for about 2-3 days, and my appetite returns to normal.

 

[Jabberwocky]

I understand the calorie obsession.

the calories only come into it because counting them is the only way i believe i'm not eating enough as i'm not hungry. it effects my emotions too and i realise that, but so does eating more, not guilt afterwards. the decision to do so, what to have then the physical act. its lose-lose. i'm actually going for higher calorie foods to increase my overall intake and drinking beforehand to reduce the stress.

if i let this continue it wont remain like that. i remember waking up one day to discover i was no longer allowed apples or bananas. i was so relieved at the time to be waiting for a place in a well respected treatment facility. i was also petrified but that enabled me to wake up to my situation.


i have just had huge motivation, and completed a first pass at a task that was massively increasing my stress levels. stress is what stops me eating, until i let it go on enough for the starvation to mess with my brain. it was getting to that point but i've just hadl proof that recovery was worth it. i had a DEXA scan 4 years ago and had osteopenia everywhere, some close to osteoporosis. i did a study with a DEXA scan this thurs and i'm on the high side of normal, osteopenia left only in my spine and thats v close to normal. i had a terrible break that will cause me life long problems so committed myself to my bone health. this progress makes it worth it and worth clinging onto.

- they did weigh me and the number was horrible. more than last time. which was a year ago at the end of a more serious mini relapse than this... scales are evil.



my boyf is away this weekend. planned to use it to starve myself in peace but decided to cook some nice meals. the supermarket was difficult, not been in a month, but i did it.



- you are def right about coming to a compromise situation to make it less stressful. new motivation isn't an overnight fix.

- eating in unfamiliar company is never nice. even when properly recovered the actual way i eat has rarely been normal. its good you have developed strategies to make it easier, and better ones than mine which surprisingly involve getting drunk. you're def right about outwitting the ed, its wanting to that can be the problem, but when you're fighting it you need to outwit it. eds are clever and insidious, getting out of all their traps takes courage and insight. though of course it fights back.

- Ix- I'm really sorry I know nothing about your problem but it sounds awful. I hope you find a doctor who can help you.

 

[Ixchellian]

chinup - no worries.....
It's just now I know its not anorexia or damnable crohns disease..... its a problem with either the vagus nerve, or the serotonin ht3 receptors in that region bein wack.

The physical problem I can address much differently than a psychological ED.... except, when I'm stressed or really busy, I tend not to eat.
For days. 8)

 

[S.M.F.G]

Hmm nah it's not in the wrong place hun.

A couple of things come to mind with your situation:

*When you don't eat, sometimes your body's metabolism slows down because it thinks it needs to store and keep whatever food you DO eat for longer periods of time because it's not getting a regular source of energy. So you will actually put on weight even though you're not eating much at all.
Granted this doesn't occur with all body types, but it does occur with some, including mine.

*There could be a medical reason why you're putting on weight. If you honestly think that this is a NOT psychological thing, i.e. that it's not that you think you're gaining weight but you're really not (for example: I "see" a fat person whenever I look in the mirror, but in photos I can see that I'm not fat, therefore when I see myself in the mirror the fat person is just in my mind), then it is definitely worth discussing with your regular doctor. There are a lot of different conditions which can cause unexplained weight gain, and even medications that can cause weight gain, so it might be worth getting checked out.

Let us know how you go okay?

UPDATE: Still having lots of trouble eating, im on very little and still can go a day or two without food, Just plain dont feel like eating, even when my stomach is growling 4 me to feed it.. on an upside since i stoped alchohol i have kept Good fluids in me, Quitting weed though i fear its gonna be tougher still as its a god appitie stimulator.
Might talk to doc about "marinol" i hear its a synthetic caniboliod that they use in cancer patients to stimulate appitite and reduce the effects of the radiation therapy,Anyone got thoughts on that or had it before? thinkin it could be good to get me eating good again, putting the weight on in all the wrong places, while my arms and legs are just wasteing away. gotta do something thats for sure im just kinda stuck, if i try force myself to eat i just bring it back up or feel like a brick has just hit my stomach
Am working on it though

 

[Asclepius]

the calories only come into it because counting them is the only way i believe i'm not eating enough as i'm not hungry. it effects my emotions too and i realise that, but so does eating more, not guilt afterwards. the decision to do so, what to have then the physical act. its lose-lose. i'm actually going for higher calorie foods to increase my overall intake and drinking beforehand to reduce the stress.

When my Anorexia was the main issue I remember that too. It is very frightening to feel like your losing touch on whats adequate to feed yourself.
Do you write down or have a food diary? Some people swear by them.

I drink when Im not eating. I drink to quench the cravings TBH which sometimes . I seem to go through the ED spectrum Over/Under eating, binge/purge and Abstaining. It is a clusterfuk TBH. I still havnt managed to deal with it properly.

i have just had huge motivation, and completed a first pass at a task that was massively increasing my stress levels. stress is what stops me eating, until i let it go on enough for the starvation to mess with my brain. it was getting to that point but i've just hadl proof that recovery was worth it. i had a DEXA scan 4 years ago and had osteopenia everywhere, some close to osteoporosis. i did a study with a DEXA scan this thurs and i'm on the high side of normal, osteopenia left only in my spine and thats v close to normal. i had a terrible break that will cause me life long problems so committed myself to my bone health. this progress makes it worth it and worth clinging onto.

This is brilliant hun, am delighted that the scan results were more positive! :D
Well done in your efforts, it isnt easy but you're right it is definitely worth seeing thefruits of your labour.

they did weigh me and the number was horrible. more than last time. which was a year ago at the end of a more serious mini relapse than this... scales are evil.

Indeed! I dont weigh myself, It is a sure fire way of triggering my obsessive fixation. Its amazing that since I have developed a slightly less ED focused attitude to life that I have scattered out my obsessive side on other things(not always productive mind) but nevertheless better than just being fixated on 'beating the scale'- it is so time/energy consuming- a nightmare.
I couldnt even enjoy water for fear it would 'up' the number I was aiming for.

my boyf is away this weekend. planned to use it to starve myself in peace but decided to cook some nice meals. the supermarket was difficult, not been in a month, but i did it.

Awesome! :D Great that you are helping yourself, really respect that chin-up.
This helps me too.

I always found my ED(especially anorexia) thrived when there was someone looking over my shoulder in my best interests. It is a difficult thing to aknowledge but good to know the 'martyr' and self-sabotaging facets of this. I will get more of a 'buzz out of denying myself something if I feel it is against the norm- its a self-defeating, rebellion- hate admitting to this side of myself but that is the dynamic of this thing.
I find being independent is the only way to go. Having a co-dependent surveying these matters(only if it is someone I feel is an equal) only fuels the ED the majority of the time, for me, IME.
In rehab they allocated people to keep an eye on me and this only made it a 'game' for me.
The behaviour is only a symtom of the cause, with regard to myself anyway. However everyone is different.

 

[n3ophy7e]

I am so sorry for my neglect to the people in need within this thread. chinup, SMFG, Ix, Ascelpius, hayzz, I read this thread every single time there is a new post in it, but I just don't have the energy to reply. Not to mention that any word of encouragement I were to give would be completely hypocritical.

I am constantly sending out love and good vibes to those struggling with body image and food issues

Perhaps I should keep some of those good vibes for myself



I have completely relapsed in to the chasm of bulimia. For the last few weeks I have been purging my dinner, and that habit has infiltrated in to most other meals during the day as well. I am constantly ravenously hungry, but I'm trying to only eat normal amounts (I'm honestly not even attempting to restrict calories, just attempting to have the normal caloric intake). But when I'm at home, or when I'm in the office and I know that no-one will notice me going to the bathroom for longer than usual, I cannot help myself but purge.

One of the most horrible effects of bulimia has returned, where I am reacting emotionally to having food in my stomach, and until I get the food back out again I am extremely irritable, angry, depressed, short-tempered, just a plain fucking bitch. I cannot stand this.

My life is an absolute mess at the moment. I pretty much despise every single aspect of my current situation, but I have no way of changing anything. I am trapped. So I resort to self-destruction.

 

[Asclepius]

^I know this, so sorry your going through this hun.

N30 it can really sneak up without us realising the full extent of its impact, so dont blame yourself. There obviously is alot of emotional stuff that your trying to handle ATM.

I go through phases and cycles. The past few weeks I was binging alot, so much that eventually, I didnt have the energy to purge. I got really obsessed with the routine of it- this always happens
so now I am kind of abstaining but getting some nutrition down me.

If I plan a purge, if I have my 'plan' set out and anything prevents me; I am like an anti-christ or else I surrender to not purge and feel like absolute shit after- its a horrible cycle; it is so addictive.

Can you take time off of work or take a break(even little breaks to get a change of pace) to do something you like/even just to be alone, somewhere peaceful and that brings you contentment?
It doesnt solve all my problems but it helps me intigrate that feeling of being 'out of control'...sometimes I just have to step outside of it, feel a bit sad and vulnerable for a while; just to try and stop fighting against how I am, ya know?



Ix~I 'forget' to eat too when I am stressed, also eat maybe one or two days out of three, quite frequently. The adrenaline kicks in when you dont eat too for a long period, I know that sometimes this is an incentive for me not to eat because I disconnect emotionally. Restricting does play havoc on your stomach. I am also addicted to that 'sensation'. I dont know if this applies to you though Ix...?
Was wondering;Have you been tested for food alergies; like coeliac disease etc?

SMFG~
Not feeling like eating can be a symptom of depression. Not sure if there are any other factors involved, imagine there are?
Great that you are getting/keeping liquids down. Clear Soups, Broths and Smoothies are always a handy 'liquid' source of nutrition. Fish oils really help with depression, nuts and seeds are also handy to snack on if you feel you cant handle eating large quantities

 

[tremours]

it seems like the only time i eat healthy is when im severely depressed, or when im drinking but that always tend to leave my stomach feeling like its eating itself. I have one realy important question, it sounds extremely stupid but i cant understand it myself, It seems like a majority of people say i look better with more weight on me than when i was skinny. thats what they say anyway, but whenever i get these "compliments" it honestly drives me fuckn crazy, it make me want to lose weight even more, i dont know if these poeple are sincere but when i look in the mirror these comments just pick at me. part of me knows that being 5'10 and wearing a size 0 isnt normal or healthy but for some reason thats what i strive for, even though i know it wont satisfy me. ill aways want to be skinnier.

 

[Asclepius]

^I have huge issues with people commenting on my appearance too GK; especially my weight.
There can be an exaggerated sense of accomplishment in feeling that you look 'skinny', especially with regard to people who are feeling frightened and 'out of control' with regard to their feelings/life/thoughts/cirumstances etc low self-worth. It can be the one area of life where you can feel a sense of 'control' over how others judge you. It an be a type of rebellion and mask from the people you fear dont/wont understand you.
This is just one reason and opinion.
Feeling 'not good enough' or like there is something 'wrong' or 'missing from ourslves can also manifest outwardly in trying to hide this by controling weight or maintaining a low weight.
There are so many reasons Glitterkiss...What do you think hun, why do you believe you feel that way?

 

[tremours]

it just seems like weight is something ive always struggled with, Ive always hated how i looked, the only time ive been kinda happy with myself was when i was a 00. I know even back then i still wanted to lose a little more but at least i didnt hate myself as much. I think the main problem right now is my life is going nowhere and i cant seem to do anything about it. my problems with anxiety and shit makes it had to interact with people i dont know realy well so i just tend to avoid everyone. my weight is pretty much the only thing i have a little control over. I think the only thing keeping from going back to fasting and stuff is that i dont have a scale anymore, im kinda tempted to go get one, but i dont realy want to get back into the habit of weighing myselve 2 or 3 times a day

 

[n3ophy7e]

^^ Hun I can really relate to all of that. Please do yourself a favour and do NOT get a set of scales!! It only fuels the problem.

Unfortunately I think these body image issues are life-long. They will always be a problem for people like us. So it's not about making them go away, it's about managing them and learning to control our thoughts and compulsions.

^I have huge issues with people commenting on my appearance too GK; especially my weight.

Actually I was just thinking about that this morning. My workplace is the absolute WORST. I don't know WHY some of my colleagues think it is appropriate to do this but at least once a day someone will comment on what I'm wearing, or what I'm having for lunch. I know they are just trying to be friendly but honestly, who does that?!

So I just stopped having lunch at the communal lunch table, and for the last 12 months or so I've just been eating at my desk at lunchtime. It's bad and it's antisocial, I know. But I just cannot stand people walking up behind me and commenting on the food I'm preparing

If I plan a purge, if I have my 'plan' set out and anything prevents me; I am like an anti-christ or else I surrender to not purge and feel like absolute shit after- its a horrible cycle; it is so addictive.

Yep I am exactly the same hun. Plus the fact that I am living alone at the moment doesn't help because I can do whatever I want without people noticing.

Can you take time off of work or take a break(even little breaks to get a change of pace) to do something you like/even just to be alone, somewhere peaceful and that brings you contentment?

I am taking a week off work in 2 weeks time, but it's for a surgical procedure so I'll be in recovery mode. However this will force me to treat myself well, PLUS my boyfriend will be home so there is no way I can purge when he's home.

Thank you for your wise and loving input Asclepius, as always

 

[belarki]

Going to have to come back to this thread when I can devote more time to a response....

I am so sorry for my neglect to the people in need within this thread. chinup, SMFG, Ix, Ascelpius, hayzz, I read this thread every single time there is a new post in it, but I just don't have the energy to reply. Not to mention that any word of encouragement I were to give would be completely hypocritical.

Haha I'm exactly the same n3o. Always keep an eye on the thread but never quite know what to post or how to help. Hang in their hun, you're gorgeous (possibly The most complimented bluelighter lol) and strong enough to beat this. In the short term can you force yourself into situations where you only eat around other people and don't have the opportunity to purge afterwards? Maybe only eat small, calorie dense food that can't be easily thrown up like peanut butter, boiled eggs etc? At a pinch can you drink "up & go's"? Will pm you as soon as I have a chance

i dont have a scale anymore, im kinda tempted to go get one, but i dont realy want to get back into the habit of weighing myselve 2 or 3 times a day

Yeh I'd avoid getting one. Weighing yourself numerous times a day is pointless anyway as your weight will fluctuate based on what you've eaten or drunk. Fixating on those numbers never helps things in the long run either

 

[Jabberwocky]

When my Anorexia was the main issue I remember that too. It is very frightening to feel like your losing touch on whats adequate to feed yourself.
Do you write down or have a food diary? Some people swear by them.

I drink when Im not eating. I drink to quench the cravings TBH which sometimes . I seem to go through the ED spectrum Over/Under eating, binge/purge and Abstaining. It is a clusterfuk TBH. I still havnt managed to deal with it properly.

yeah, the totally losing touch on the most basic aspects of how to care for yourself, and at times realising you've been totally apathetic to that loss of touch, is one of the scariest things. it really makes you feel totally insane!!!

i don't keeo a food diary, they would be useful in times like this, and actually a proper meal plan too, but in my head the only acceptable entry to a food diary is blank so its quite triggering.

ugh i'm quite glad in a way that my eds always been quite predictable, though that said i didn't predict ever coming this close to a relapse. constantly swinging between disorders can't leave you with much energy and must make any attempt at recovery so much more difficult.

Not to mention that any word of encouragement I were to give would be completely hypocritical.

I am constantly sending out love and good vibes to those struggling with body image and food issues

Perhaps I should keep some of those good vibes for myself

...

One of the most horrible effects of bulimia has returned, where I am reacting emotionally to having food in my stomach, and until I get the food back out again I am extremely irritable, angry, depressed, short-tempered, just a plain fucking bitch. I cannot stand this.

My life is an absolute mess at the moment. I pretty much despise every single aspect of my current situation, but I have no way of changing anything. I am trapped. So I resort to self-destruction.

I'm so sorry to read that n3o. but its not hypocritical to give out encouragement because you're in a bad place. obviously, you are not obliged to encourage anybody, but i know sometimes you just feel too hopeless to think encouragement is anything but a lie. i hope you're not at that point yet but it seems your illness is progressing.

i think we probably all know the thing about the feeling food in your stomach, its sorry its effecting your mood so much. i've been going through that recently and the emotional stress has been making it even worse, causing really bad stomach symptomes which luckily the doc sorted out.

but yes, send yourself some good vibes!!

and i'm sorry to hear about your surgery but it sounds like it could be an opportunity to get into a new routine if your boyfs around. though, as asclepius also pointed out, that can make your ed more sneaky. i reckon when you feel like you're safer, have someone who cares about, its easier to drop your guard so it can get more of a hold without you even noticing. i hope the opposite happens for you!

Yeh I'd avoid getting one. Weighing yourself numerous times a day is pointless anyway as your weight will fluctuate based on what you've eaten or drunk. Fixating on those numbers never helps things in the long run either

qft. its also very frustrating to discover your scales can't weigh the wee you just had, the brazil nut you just ate, the sweat that might have just evaporated from you, your bracelet.... ugh. so glad i don't have to weigh myself before and after every single thing i do now!!!!

anyway, i am still highly motivated but the physical actual eating side of thing is still a pain in the butt. luckily the arsiness hasn't yet dulled my motivation.