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TDS Eating Disorders Megathread

p.s - (soz for the multiple posts!) how is everyone?

Anybody care to talk about what you've been doing, good or bad? You're so not alone in this and we all understand how it is. Talk about it.. It might help someone else feel less alone too. What's hapnin out there darlins? talk talk taaalk...
 
well, i feel like a blimp b/c i ate starches today. i did pretty good on portion control, but it's PASTA!! sticks to me like duct tape on more duct tape. fuckety! i canNOT puke, though. my throat is shredded from puking and stimulants. still didn't/couldn't resist a laxative, though. waiting impatiently for it to work. been on the 'net all day looking for a new appetite suppressant on the rc market, as well as a local plant used for the same. i tried the plant before (salal leaves), but it wasn't very effective, and was difficult to force down. i'm wondering if it would work better to dry and encapsulate it? maybe i just didn't get a good dose before.

i'm not really getting better, i don't think. just looking for new twists on the same old theme. you're right, though. it helps to know that i'm not the only one fighting my own mind and body.
 
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hey vox, I don't know whether or not you're getting better coz I don't know how you were before! But it for sure sounds like you are still totally sucked into it, if your post is anything to go by. Where you at with trying to change? Are you? Or are you kind of just coasting along as things are? No judgement either way there by the way!
It sounds to me like pretty much most of your time is taken up by doing or planning for ed. I reckon that's the key to change - thinking about and doing other things as well. Build up to doing enough different things, and that "as well" becomes "instead".

Not throwing up is a good thing for your body girl. It's hard on the mind but good for the body. I so know that feeling of simply-can't-puke coz your throat's so raw. That's a strong sign that we're doing this stuff way.too.much! Give yourself a break if it's at all possible. Just try for one day and see how you go.

I assume you know that laxatives don't actually help cut out calorie intake? All they do is strip your body of the good stuff in your digestive system that takes in vitamins and nutrience (as opposed to calories). As well as drain you of a fuckton of water, which bloats you and dehydrates you and generally makes your whole system more sluggish.
Laxatives really are nothing helpful at best and dangerous at worst. I've been there too though, and I know it's hard to get out of that mindset and cycle. But you can do it, with a taper down. There's truly nothing to be gained weight wise with them, so why bother? Why put your body through that much more stress?

How's it going today?
 
If you feel up to it you could try just eating a small bit of dinner. Like, even just a mouthful. A token bit of food. Show your brain that you don't blow up like a blimp.

Does your family know anything about it? Does anybody in your life?
 
voxmystic, you remind me exactly of where I was at 3-4 years ago. It is so awful and I truly feel for you hun. Family meals were amongst the hardest things to get through, for me. The whole time I felt like everyone (I have a large family) was just staring and me and my plate of food and watching every single mouthful I choked down. Of course they weren't, even to this day none of them even know I had a problem back then! But the paranoia and anxiety surrounding food and the eating process meant my brain was constantly playing tricks on me.

MB's suggestion of forcing down even just one mouthful, and keeping it down, is a really good tip. Like she said, even if it's just to prove to your brain that you're not going to immediately gain weight if you eat a little bit of food, that it IS OKAY to have food in your body. If you haven't already, I would also highly recommend telling a loved one about what you're going through. Like I said, I didn't get my family involved but I had to eventually tell my boyfriend. He suspected something was wrong for a while anyway but once I told him, a huge weight lifted off my shoulders and it was a very significant marking of the beginning of the road to recovery.
It didn't make it easy, but it was less difficult, if that makes sense. There were still hundreds of meals where my boyfriend would supervise me eating and finishing the meal, then sit there with me while I cried and cried and begged him to let me purge, until the tears stopped and I felt okay. It got gradually easier with each meal until I could finally trust myself enough to eat without his supervision and not even feel like purging at all.
I could not have done it without his support though.

littlegirlblue said:
I know many people who would find the above extremely triggering. If anyone else who is seeking to quit purging wants to try the above technique to inspire health, please pay special attention to be your emotional state as it might inspire self destructive behavior instead!

Glad it worked for you though bud. Reality can be pretty ugly in some cases...:(
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I have to agree with this hun. I cannot allow myself to watch any documentaries or TV shows dipicting people with anorexia or bulimia. It is extremely triggering. Even an episode of the cartoon show American Dad triggered me back in to a period of anorexia! It's like walking on a tightrope all the time.
But having said that I can imagine how it would be helpful to some people to see the devastating effects EDs can have on the body, so Veinless I am glad it helped you in that way <3
 
Aaagh! Vent! Help guys!

What a horrid, horrid couple of days.:(

On Tuesday, I had my first session with a psychologist in six years.

I readied myself as I always do for all my internal battles: thick charcoal liquid eyeliner; a black neo-peusdo-Victorian blouse; back-friendly but kickin' knee-high, lace-up black leather boots. Along for the ride I brought the required 14 pages of personal and family medical history and my favorite translation of Rilke's "Sonette an Orpheus." I had firmly decided that I would be friendly with my new psychologist, but being a healthy cynic, hold back the truth until I felt my life, my freedom were safe in his hands.

As soon as I curled up on that dark, yet indeterminately-colored, beautifully stitched leather couch, I suddenly realized I was too comfortable. NOT a good sign. I had taken a few Norco before the appointment in hopes I could control my sciatica for the duration, but perhaps I had under-appreciated its ability to make me intellectually or emotionally vulnerable. Kindly, the doctor started asking me the usual questions and I serenaded him with the earnest truth, a compulsive song bird. Never before have I revealed honestly my psychological history of eating disorders, suicidal thoughts and self-mutilation in one, fluid hour session.

I was totally transparent, a torrent of mountain run-off out of control.:o

What happens now? How?

Now I am anxiety riddled, afraid of what this almost complete stranger knows about me and how that will change the rest of my life. I know I cannot go on as I have, but this, this was giving an arsenal of potentially harmful information to an unknown variable. Rash, ultimately pathetic.

Of course, since then I have had NO appetite in my horror. And, naturally, it is now that my fiancee (who was my best friend when I developed my ED 10 years ago and was the first to know about it) has decided to monitor my eating:p Since I honestly have not felt interesting in eating even my favorite foods, we've ended up on the verge of fighting, something that rarely happens... and always leaves me hysterical. So I give in, eat a yogurt/cereal that comes to 420 calories and purge within fifteen minutes. Three times in the last two days, that has constituted my interaction with food. Sadly, I've found release and comfort in that.

I've found myself asking: "Am I really ready to give this up?"

And the honest answer is: "I have no clue."

"True wisdom comes to each of us when we realize how little we understand about life, ourselves, and the world around us." Socrates, of course, puts it all into perspective. I am becoming really, really "WISE." Ha.

Help guys, this has made me a trainwreck.
 
Oh hun, I can feel your panic from here :( *massive hugs*
It's so hard when we've been hiding behind these brickwalls for our whole lives, to prevent our true emotions getting through to other people, and then to be forced to divulge personal stuff to a complete stranger in a clinical setting. It's terrifying. But he is a professional, it's his job to sit there and listen to 10-12 perfect strangers talk about their problems every single day. He will not judge you. I know it's terrifying for you but he will think no less of you hun.
I'll reply more when I get home <3
 
lgb -- "vulnerable" may not be the worst feeling ever, but it's right up there in the top 3. i couldn't do what you did. they don't make that much eyeliner. this may be the shittiest advice you get all month, but keep in mind that this guy is just doing his job. he goes away as soon you quit paying him. this puts you in complete control. if spilling to him helps you, that's what he's there for. the very second it quits helping, you have the power to make him go away. kinda like a good purge..........

-----my family knows about my lifelong history with the overeating/bulemia/anorexia merry-go-round. (btw, i'm 39, and my family is my husband and kids, not my parents.) and all the stims i've used to combat my food fetish. they don't "get it", though. i wish they did. i wish someone would catch me and stop me. they can't stop me. they go to school, and work, and i lie about what i ate while they were gone. cooking dinner is the worst part of my day. but i have to. can't let them starve because i'm terrified of being fat.
 
Thanks guys. Still freaked out, but even just posting it all out there for those of you who actually live this life is... more than helpful. I really appreciate it. N3o and Vox, I have much gratitude for the reminder that the psychologist IS there as a PROFESSIONAL and if I want I do have the power to end my association with him. That makes me feel... somewhat more secure. Seeing that my last encounters with psychologists were forced upon me as an adolescent, I totally forgot that as an adult I have the legal right to live however I see fit within the laws of the land.

Words cannot express how much I abhor feeling out of control. It is even worse when the only aspect of your life and the lives of those you love that you DO have control over is what you put in your mouth. AGH. I HATE this overwhelming anxiety.

Vox, as someone who doesn't cook (I made myself one can of chunky chicken noodle soup a day in college, the only time I've been completely in charge of anyone's meals) I wonder if there are ways to give you control in the kitchen since your love for your family finds your there, focusing on food daily. Does your family enjoy the same foods you do? When you cook for them, can you cater to tastes you do not share? Could that help stave off over-eating triggers? Additionally, my might-as-well-be-mother-in-law rarely eats more than a token of food at her family dinners, stating she has, "...sampled half the meal already." Could you convince your family of that? I am sure these methods have crossed your mind before, just a few thoughts. Either way, your devotion to care for your family despite the horror it creates inside you makes you something much more inspirational than being skinny: One heck of a fabulously loving mother and wife.
 
lgb, I can totally understand how you would feel about psychologists after having therapy forced upon you as a teenager, and it's easy to still be in that mindset as an adult despite actually having total control over the situation. Perhaps you can use that knowledge of your control over that situation, to try and exert more control over your eating habits. I definitely know that "feeling" of the complete lack of control but in reality, you have more control over your actions than you give yourself credit for <3

vox, it's good that your family are aware, but it is infinitely hard for people who haven't been through the eating disorder hell to really understand what it's about. I can't recall reading this in your other posts but have you had any therapy recently for your ED? In my experience, EDs are something that can require constant therapy because they are so insidious and they really do just stick with us forever. If you're not seeing anyone at the moment I'd really recommend seeking professional help. Is this something you would consider, and would your family be supportive of it? <3
 
glad you're feeling your power, littlegirl! that's a cool thing about being grown -- you may have to pay your own bills, but you by god don't have to pay someone to piss you off, hurt your feelings, be incompetent, etc.

your mom-in-law and i have EXACTLY the same approach to eating with the fam. i'm usually not even lying. i taste, spit, adjust, repeat. i DO sample it all! -- i just don't swallow all that often.............

i would cook them foods i didn't like, if i could find a food i don't like.......

i don't really have the most accepting view of western medicine. (although i dig pharmacology :)) i've spent maybe 20 hours in any kind of psycho-therapy setting, and the majority of that was grief counselling after my baby died. eating sometimes came up, but was never a primary focus.

me and doctors -- i went when i had a miscarriage (because i KNEW something was wrong), but not when i had a baby. i did that at home on purpose. i have an "annual" every 5 to 7 years. *you'll kick me for this one -- my daughters didn't get immunized until they were old enough to say "okay". when they entered school. (i was willing to home-school if they choose to not comply with public school regs)* ...............so, i'm kinda fukkin rebellious like that. paying a money-grubbing doctor to dig in my head and tell me what's wrong is ineffectual. i know what's wrong. all s/he can do is prescribe more drugs to "fix" it. i can get better ones. i don't mean to discourage people from finding help wherever they find it. like i told lgb, i CAN'T do what she did. that takes more balls than i'll ever have, and more eyeliner than maybelline will ever make. just because i'm some kinda way about therapists (or any doctors) doesn't mean that they don't do other people plenty good.

and, oh yeah, i live on rural alaskan island. no psych docs within reasonable travelling distance. i like it that way. you guys are it, baby. i'm spillin ta U!!

so, here's my daily -- i used a stimulant. i haven't eaten. i took my vitamins. i feel good about this, and i know it's wrong, but still. gonna grind my teeth off someday, though.
 
Well honey I don't share the same perspective as you but I certainly can understand why you feel that way <3
Do you wish that things were different?

It sounds sick for me to say this but I'm sure everyone in this thread understands what I mean, but I really miss my EDs... :(
 
Oh, the JOY of Western Medicine!

Vox, due to the immense number of health issues that have plagued my family over the years, I have first hand been infuriated with doctors who were obviously in the profession for the wrong reason. I personally have been lucky with regards to all my long-term care: My pediatrician is a wise, witty, woman who I begged to continue treating me after I became 18. Of course my HMO would not have it:p, but I implicitly trust this particular doctor’s opinion on health issues. My neurosurgeon (to whom my pediatrician referred me) is also an amazing individual who I trust completely with my spine on the surgical table and off. I am really sorry you’ve only dealt with the scum of the profession :(

And I am amazed at your home births! WARRIOR WOMAN!!!=D

I felt pretty much the same way about psychology as you Vox up through the last year or so when my crying jags went from weekly to daily… and then daily to hourly. And then I started cutting on top of the EDs and the anxiety attacks. I knew I had to try something, anything because I would not see the end of the year if I did not reach out. I like my fair share of pharms but I agree with you in this case: No pill can “fix” what’s wrong with me. I need to try to patch myself up, strengthen that which is inherently WEAK within my mind, my heart. Either I must modify the emotional wreck I have become with the options that are available to me currently with my physical issues or I end this hopeless, overwhelming despair for good.

N3o, again your insight is incredible: “In my experience, EDs are something that can require constant therapy because they are so insidious and they really do just stick with us forever.” Wow. That is quite the eloquent wake up call, and one that ring so very true within me. “Insidious” really is an accurate descriptor. I’m sorry you are feeling pulled back into that mindset, N3o and send you warmest wishes for your health.<3<3<3

Today I have restricted pretty severely (90 calories), but I’ve also been very sorrowful and depressed, so again I just totally lack an appetite. Crying for three hours straight gives me one hell of a headache and makes me nauseous. At least my man is being more understanding and supportive today.

How are you all darlings?
 
i dont have an eating disorder but when i was younger i was bullied for being a stick, i ahve a fast metabolism and i ahted being skinny, i hated being weak, i hated how i have long arms so it makes me look weaker then i actually am,

and i sitll kinda hate the way i look from all the people call me ugly way back when,
since i graduated high school adn became an adult i went from 135-185, and even though i got a beer belly, and partial moobs(ontop of pecs which make me look liek i have bigger tits then i do) i feel beter about myself, i just wish i didn't have such a big nose,

i don't think im ugly, but everyone else seems to think so,
 
To Midnight:God I totally have those stay-in days! It's because salt is the devil and I crazy retain water... I swear it's like I walk by a grain of salt and BAM no jawline!

And to answer your binging question, I wish I had some good advice to give. I haven't found a way to curb mine, I just handcuff myself to the treadmill doing an unhealthy amount of cardio... Yay electrolyte imbalances.
 
I feel like fucking shit. Literally. On a run yesterday, a fucking awesome self esteem boosting run, I pulled a calf muscle and worsened an already hurt thigh muscle and now couldn't run today cause I was scared I would make them both worse :(

I just want to go for a run. I feel really fucking lazy, and I hate the word but yes I feel fat... and It's making me mentally unhealthy knowing I cant run again until they heal.

I've just found what seems, an amazing wonderful personal trainer and I am really hoping with her help I can get over this eating disorder. I don't want it to go any further, and I have noticed the more I exercise the less I contribute to it. I'm joining the gym near my house, and I just, really, I am praying I can get my shit together with her help. I don't know if i should tell her or not about this issue... I don't want to, but I feel she should know everything in order to help me get a shitload fitter and make my body something I am proud of.

I just wish I felt good about myself. Sometimes I do, most times I don't. It crushes me feeling this way. I don't want to feel so negative, I try to be positive about everything. :(
 
**hAyzzZZ** said:
It's making me mentally unhealthy knowing I cant run again until they heal.
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Honey, this is the story of my life the last few years. I've had injury after injury after injury, which force me to take lengthy breaks from exercise each time.
You MUST let your injuries heal though, otherwise your total down time will end up being much longer because you'll just be making the injured muscles worse.

One form of exercise which is fantastic for boosting your metabolism, super low-impact and therefore easy on injuries, is pilates. It has seriously gotten me back to sanity after being injured and getting "fat" from not being able to exercise.
Do they have pilates classes at your gym? You can also buy pilates DVDs off sites like ebay for like $5.
You can also do upper-body weights sessions, and swimming. Just take it easy though and let your body heal itself.

That is exciting to hear about your personal trainer though! :)
It's up to you whether or not you mention your ED. I've never mentioned my ED to anyone at any gyms that I've been a member of, because I like to go really hard and I'd hate it if they told me to simmer down just because they're worried I'd slip back in to my ED phase again. I wouldn't want them to be keeping any kind of "close-eye" on me because of it. Know what I mean?
But it's totally up to you. It's different with a PT because it's just one-on-one, so if you trust her, and if you think it would help that she knew, then tell her <3
 
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