• The Dark Side 💕 Welcome Guest 💕
    Posting Rules Bluelight Rules
    Notable Threads Urgent Hotlines
    Bereavement Mindfulness
    Suicide Support Anger Management
  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

TDS Eating Disorders Megathread

^^ So true hun.

Well, earlier this week I tore my quad muscle (the front thigh muscle) playing indoor soccer so I've been more or less completely crippled all week. I literally can't do ANYTHING because this muscle is paramount to pretty much any kind of physical activity. I can't even swim or do weights or anything, and certainly not my beloved running :(

It just goes to show how firmly engrained the mentality of eating disorders and distorted body image is in my mind because I've completely freaked out about not being able to exercise. I'm too scared to eat anything because I can literally feel myself getting fatter as I type this...

I know you'll all just assume that it's all in my mind but since I turned 25 my metabolism has slowed down SO MUCH, that if I don't exercise every day I actually do put on fat at an abnormally fast rate. My legs and tummy really are getting just a little bit fatter every day.

*sigh*

I am going crazy not being able to jump on the treadmill and just run. Hopefully this muscle will heal as quickly as possible so I can get the fuck back in to it :(
 
I hear ya, girl. PLUS I am bloated LOL!

I don't feel right in the head if I go a week without exercising. Surprisingly, I am sleeping well. I know I will NOT gain weight during this hiatus. I am eating normally. Still doing my munchie thing after smoking weed. I take in about 3000 calories/day. I am okay with all of it. I have to be.

I was going to go to the gym tonight but I am going to wait another day. I need to heal. I am using this time to indulge myself. I bought panties and socks after work rather than gym. I am not rushing around at home after work to get to the gym. Feels good :)

Endorphins, I miss you. I am replacing exercise with sex until my hamstring/glute heals.

Taking nude photos of myself helps remind me how I really look.
Try it ;)
 
I have been feeling very lousy lately because i have been sick so havent been going to the gym all week either. Also being really stressed with work has caused me to have no motivation and eat way too much.

Being 28 i have also found i put on weight very easily now and its really bothering me :( Just simply eating healthy isn't enough, i feel i need to go on some sort of crash diet in a minute.

I feel pressure as well because of my wedding in March. I want to look nice. :(

I hate feeling this way :(
 
Yep hun I'm experiencing the same thing with metabolism, it's so unfair :(

You know this: Crash diets don't work! You especially wouldn't even be able to keep it up for that long (until March) and would probably gain all the weight back by then. Are you well enough to get back in to the gym now?? You know the drill, get in there are get back in to the rhythm of it. Once you've been going for a few weeks you'll start looking more toned again and your motivation will return. You know that it's the only sure-fire way to look healthy for your wedding <3 *hugs*

We should be online gym buddies, help each other out with motivation and stuff, let me know if you're keen my love :) <3
 
n3ophy7e said:
^^ So true hun.

Well, earlier this week I tore my quad muscle (the front thigh muscle) playing indoor soccer so I've been more or less completely crippled all week. I literally can't do ANYTHING because this muscle is paramount to pretty much any kind of physical activity. I can't even swim or do weights or anything, and certainly not my beloved running :(

It just goes to show how firmly engrained the mentality of eating disorders and distorted body image is in my mind because I've completely freaked out about not being able to exercise. I'm too scared to eat anything because I can literally feel myself getting fatter as I type this...

I know you'll all just assume that it's all in my mind but since I turned 25 my metabolism has slowed down SO MUCH, that if I don't exercise every day I actually do put on fat at an abnormally fast rate. My legs and tummy really are getting just a little bit fatter every day.

*sigh*

I am going crazy not being able to jump on the treadmill and just run. Hopefully this muscle will heal as quickly as possible so I can get the fuck back in to it :(
Click to expand...

I can relate. I had my tonsils out and couldn't work out for 2 weeks. I was terrified (even though I'm in recovery-ha!) that I'd gain weight. However, it was quite the opposite. I lost muscle mass unfortunately and thus lost weight. I'm thinner than I was pre-operation. It's odd. I'm 24, by the way and don't notice any change in my metabolism. In fact, now that I have pretty much recovered from my ED my metabolism is better than it was 7 years ago. I feel your distress, though. It's rough. Just be conscious of your state of mind and what you're putting in your body. Don't obsess-just think about it. use this time to adjust the screws in your mind. You know what I mean? This period of physical recovery (your injury and not working out) can be a time of revitalization. It doesn't have to be bad.
 
I managed to overcome my ED a long time ago. And by overcome I mean I still deal with it every single day but it doesn't control me anymore and I'm healthy.

There were many factors that helped me stop.

I remember something I had to do in a group session in the IP ED program and it was to make a little booklet with a reason why you don't want an ED on every page. I was surprised at how many reasons I came up with considering I knew I wanted it and felt I needed to cling to it. Some main ones in case it might help anyone else wanting to stop:
-my friend died of heart failure beacause of her ED. I remember carrying her back inside the hospital when we went out for a smoke.
-My heart is permanently damaged from the stimulants, diet pills, over exerting, starvation I did. I will always have chest pain and am restricted in so many things in life.
-Now that I've learned to enjoy healthy eating, I am restricted by physical ailments I caused myself. Intestinal disorders, stomach disorders. It's not nice thinking "wow, I'd love to eat such and such for dinner. Oh wait, I can't or I'll be sick for 2 weeks or will faint. Thank you eating disorder."
-I hated how isolated I became in my own little world of trying to destroy myself that I lost so much of my life and the people in it.
-Everyone was always so upset when they saw me. So dissapointed.
-I hated being in the hospital so much.
-I hated my meals being planned out by the crumb
-I hated the feelings when I finally did eat.
-I hated how I felt eating infront of people or being in an eating situation (dinner table, out to the movies, lunchtime at school)
-I hated being so damn cold all the time


Okay my list goes on forever from big things to trivial things but I just plain hated it as much as I loved it. But I learned to embrace the hatred for it in a healthy way meaning I ate properly (this took forever by the way. no easy task but SO do-able) and eventually down the road I wasn't as upset eating a meal as I was the month before. Then again less upset another month letter. And less upset and less upset... then now its nothing but a mere thought.

I'm okay being in the healthy BMI range. Being below it makes me no more "beautiful" or "clean" or "pure" or "acceptable".

I do not have to be ashamed of the way I look or the way I eat.

I can pig out and be damn proud now haha. Lord knows I couldn't do that before. And let me tell you, the occasional indulgence is purely healthy and wickedly fun!

So my advice if you want to beat your ED? Don't do this alone. It's a hard journey but keep at it and I promise, you'll be rid of it to the point where you can be happy.



Now I'm not getting all cocky or anything like that... hello? drug habit tapping me on the shoulder saying "are you forgetting something?" LOL!

D'oh!
 
What a beautiful and heart-warming post, Surrealist-. Your experience is so similar to mine. In the end the negatives associated with tearing my body apart and letting my loved ones watch me do it was just too much to bear. All of the perceived positives were so weak and empty, and they didn't really give me anything except that sense of control I longed for.

You're right when you say it takes time and that it gets easier every day. I too am stuck with the thought every minute of every day of my life, but I'm thankful that's all it is now - a thought that can be acknowledged and put in its place by my strong will and drive to live a happy and healthy life. One in which I make my own rational decisions about what I will and won't eat. :)

Thanks so much for sharing beautiful. <3
 
Surrealist- said:
I managed to overcome my ED a long time ago. And by overcome I mean I still deal with it every single day but it doesn't control me anymore and I'm healthy.

There were many factors that helped me stop.

I remember something I had to do in a group session in the IP ED program and it was to make a little booklet with a reason why you don't want an ED on every page. I was surprised at how many reasons I came up with considering I knew I wanted it and felt I needed to cling to it. Some main ones in case it might help anyone else wanting to stop:
-my friend died of heart failure beacause of her ED. I remember carrying her back inside the hospital when we went out for a smoke.
-My heart is permanently damaged from the stimulants, diet pills, over exerting, starvation I did. I will always have chest pain and am restricted in so many things in life.
-Now that I've learned to enjoy healthy eating, I am restricted by physical ailments I caused myself. Intestinal disorders, stomach disorders. It's not nice thinking "wow, I'd love to eat such and such for dinner. Oh wait, I can't or I'll be sick for 2 weeks or will faint. Thank you eating disorder."
-I hated how isolated I became in my own little world of trying to destroy myself that I lost so much of my life and the people in it.
-Everyone was always so upset when they saw me. So dissapointed.
-I hated being in the hospital so much.
-I hated my meals being planned out by the crumb
-I hated the feelings when I finally did eat.
-I hated how I felt eating infront of people or being in an eating situation (dinner table, out to the movies, lunchtime at school)
-I hated being so damn cold all the time


Okay my list goes on forever from big things to trivial things but I just plain hated it as much as I loved it. But I learned to embrace the hatred for it in a healthy way meaning I ate properly (this took forever by the way. no easy task but SO do-able) and eventually down the road I wasn't as upset eating a meal as I was the month before. Then again less upset another month letter. And less upset and less upset... then now its nothing but a mere thought.

I'm okay being in the healthy BMI range. Being below it makes me no more "beautiful" or "clean" or "pure" or "acceptable".

I do not have to be ashamed of the way I look or the way I eat.

I can pig out and be damn proud now haha. Lord knows I couldn't do that before. And let me tell you, the occasional indulgence is purely healthy and wickedly fun!

So my advice if you want to beat your ED? Don't do this alone. It's a hard journey but keep at it and I promise, you'll be rid of it to the point where you can be happy.



Now I'm not getting all cocky or anything like that... hello? drug habit tapping me on the shoulder saying "are you forgetting something?" LOL!

D'oh!
Click to expand...


I really like this post. Thank you.

Am I getting better? No. But tomorrow is a new day :(
 
Thank you CHiLD-0F-THE-BEAT and **hAyzzZZ** :)

xxkcxx try not to beat yourself up too much. We're only human. We all fuck up hun. Forgiving yourself for it helps if you want to recover as long as you keep in mind it's what you're trying not to do. You're recognizing that you don't like it the way you used to anymore. Hurts now. Causes pain now. So keep trying. You'll get there ;)
 
n3ophy7e said:
Yep hun I'm experiencing the same thing with metabolism, it's so unfair :(

You know this: Crash diets don't work! You especially wouldn't even be able to keep it up for that long (until March) and would probably gain all the weight back by then. Are you well enough to get back in to the gym now?? You know the drill, get in there are get back in to the rhythm of it. Once you've been going for a few weeks you'll start looking more toned again and your motivation will return. You know that it's the only sure-fire way to look healthy for your wedding <3 *hugs*

We should be online gym buddies, help each other out with motivation and stuff, let me know if you're keen my love :) <3
Click to expand...

You are so right :)

The plan is to get started back to the gym next week, starting monday, I also bought myself a pedometer and plan to do 10,000 steps and work towards doing more per day eventually.

I am keen on being online fitness buddies! :D I'll PM ya this weekend and we'll sort something out!
 
Uhg fuck I hate to admit it but yeah I did have some and still do... When I take my PK's it's SUPER hard to eat ..I always tend to feel full and never feel hungry until about an hour until after I wake up
 
Today I tried to wear a pair lf 'those jeans'. I think you all know what kind of jeans I'm talking about. It was greatly depressing even though I KNOW they are a ridiculous size. I stole them from the set of a talk show and they never fit me to begin with. Regardless, I am very sad about it. It sparked something in me that find all too familiar.
 
^^ Oh I know exactly what you mean, why do we do it to ourselves?? I have all my "skinny clothes" in a box in my cupboard. I have to throw them out one day but I kinda can't bring myself to do it....it's kinda sick huh, kinda like I'm not willing to let go of that time of my life.

drugfukkdrockstar said:
I am keen on being online fitness buddies! :D
Click to expand...

Awesome hun! <3
 
VENTING...needs to be done.
I'm incredibly fucking pissed off and am pretty much hyperventilating with FURY! I just got back from my psychiatrist (to whom I go to for ANXIETY). She FUCKING, today...tells me she refuses to treat me or see me or alleviate my anxiety with benzos anymore. What the FUCK. I asked her if she has every KNOWN anyone personally who has had one-because naturally that would make her more accurate and understanding in ANY related diagnoses. She somehow found that NOT relevant (?! so basically 'no'). I said, well I have...and it's over. I just had a fucking tonsillectomy and lost weight you fuck. I said, " So then are you planning on hitting up an AA meeting tonight because of the occasion drink you have!? " Because jesus I'm thin because of my lifestyle-I don't eat shit anymore (only did when I was bulimic) I eat what I want when I fucking want. I'm just angry. And now I have to either suffer my anxiety which doesn't allow me to sleep (w/o benzos) or find a new doc. I HATE doctors. I want to scream and then do something horrendous.

...
 
Feeling better today. I think I'm going to file a grievance and give this lady trouble.
 
Slipping up a bit. But I'll get back on track to eating right. I think it's just the depression and anxiety right now. Winter months are always bad for me in that regards. Bad for wicked flashbacks too which aren't helping. I just need to keep reminding myself to eat at least one meal each day. I am actually just forgetting all together. Used to be obsessive thoughts. Non-stop "can't eat can't eat can't eat can't eat" etc... now it's just... no thought at all. I forgot to eat for a few days until I started to notice I could walk down the street without getting a wicked bash of heart arrythmias and the losing vision thing. Horrible thing standing in the middle of the road bent over clutching my chest and a street sign remembering those bad times when I liked it this way.

So... slip up but hey, could also be the lack of meds in my system. I'll try to get something to increase my appetite.

I'm trying real hard not to look too much into this. Even writing it out might make me delve into it and I don't want to go there. But I'm sure many of you know what I'm talking about. The satisfaction... that stupid fucking satisfaction that comes with "succeeding". Well i'm not bloody trying anymore so fuck off will ya?! I get it! I feel great having to poke extra holes in my belt now cause it's too damn big. I feel light, I feel clean.

But I dont feel healthy and that is infinitely worse....
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top