TDS Eating Disorders Megathread

[n3ophy7e]

What if you cut out the alcohol, but keep eating healthy food? Alcohol has a LOT of calories, it is the main source of weight-gain for me when I'm drinking regularly. I think you'd see a good improvement if you just cut out alcohol. You need to keep eating to help keep your mood stabilised. If you stop eating you're more likely to be unhappy with yourself or depressed in general. That's what I find anyway, then it's just a vicious cycle.

 

[tremours]

Ive already cut down my alcohol consumption conisderably. Well at least from how much i drank a couple years ago. Im down to maybe 2 or 3 days a week I really should probably stop it seems like after i drink especialy if i drink alot im hurting for like a day or two afterwards. Its probably cause of the hep though which is the main reason im trying to cut back and when i get sober i start worrying about my weight again. Its always been one or the other stop caring about what im eating or obsess about it. I think i just need to find something where i can watch myself improve and this is at least on area where i know im capable of doing it in.

 

[Jabberwocky]

reading tootsies posts of this makes me realise what a dangerous position i'm in. (even though i'm in quite long term and stable recovery from anorexia). i've never had to try to starve myself in my life, for me at least, the problem was making myself eat, and the fact that if i felt shit i just didn't bother. and years on, i still have to force myself to eat. the default is starvation. pretty scary given i've lost a lot of weight without trying recently.

whenever anything bad happens i find myself on the verge of a relapse. then it scares me shitless and i force myself to eat to avoid the risk of hospitalisation. but i like knowing that anorexia is just waiting there for me if everything gets too shit, to wrap me up in its fake cotton wool blanket where everythings nice for a while til everything gets even more shit.

tootsie- the starve/binge cycle is breakable but you have to let go of it (feel like a total hypocrite saying that given the last paragraph). The longer this goes on the more at risk you are of, for example, just never getting back to the binge part. i know personally when i'm starving i feel a lot less, like totally numb (why its an attractive state for me i guess), is it possible you're going after the same feeling?

as for the mirror: seriously, please get rid of it, its clearly triggering you quite badly. you can live without it, i couldn't have a full length one for 3 years, and when i got a new one my reflection was just as horrible but at least i was in a better place to deal with it. its really hard, but eating disorders are diseases that use every means possible to get to you. you have to cut off their means.

i don't want to scare you, but you need to work on this now. from the position you're in now, you could easily deteriorate very badly. that really doesn't need to happen.

glitter kiss- stopping eating for a few days will make you feel worse. and it wont even necessarily make you lose weight. what it will do is mess with your brain chemistry and make you more prone to further ed thoughts, so its basically setting yourself up for a fall and the ground is usually a hospital bed, which IME totally sucks.

 

[Tootsie]

n3ophy7e-I was seeing a personal trainer for pilates for a while, I noticed an awesome change in my body and I felt awesome after working out. The only problem I noticed was that if I didn't go every single day, I'd freak out, feel like I've been working so hard for nothing, and beat myself up over missing ONE day of exercise. Anyway, due to me being so broke and that being so expensive, I had to stop going which killed me inside. This was just super recently. I don't have a gym at my clubhouse or anything, no weights, nothing. I hate exercising in my living room alone, I hate running, I don't know. I've never been more motivated and loved working out more in my life than when I was seeing my trainer.

chinup-When I'm starving, I feel SO pretty. It sounds awful, I know. But when the bones in my chest, hip bones and ribs are just protruding out of my skin, I couldn't be happier. In my head, people notice it and think I'm this pretty little fragile thing. When I binge, and my bones aren't sticking out so far, I feel absolutely disgusting. I'm miserable. And I feel like when I go out in public and I walk by someone, all they think is "that girl REALLY needs to lose some weight".

I dunno, I haven't completely tried telling my mom or friend about it, they know I don't like the way I look and they all just make jokes about it. My ex used to break up with me when he found out I wasn't eating, so instead of helping, everyone just makes it worse.

 

[Jabberwocky]

tootsie. when you're starving, you're killing yourself in one of the slowest, most painful ways imaginible.

i know it feels good, it can make you feel invincible, cos hey you don't need to eat like mere mortals! but its doing the opposite. plus the starved brain, as well as being more prone to ed manipulation, is a very depressed brain so feeling good about yourself doesn't last long.

sorry, i shouldn't be lecturing you, the only thing that made me see sense was a long stay with the men in white coats, and i haven't really seen sense. the experience was so horrible that i'd do anything to avoid it again and i think thats my main motivation to stay in recovery. i really don't want you to get to that stage because by then your whole life will be ruined.

 

[Tootsie]

Lecture away, I don't mind. I just want it to stop. I'd give ANYTHING to not think like this anymore. It's so emotionally exhausting. I don't know what else to do, who to turn to. No one has ever been able to say ANYTHING to make me feel even the slightest bit better. Counseling wouldn't work, meds, nothing. I feel like I'll be this way forever and then look back one day when I'm old and dying and regret wasting my whole life worrying about something so petty as my weight.

 

[Jabberwocky]

its very difficult, thats why ed treatment is notouriously bad. CBT helped me a bit, but its frustrating too because it just makes how you're irrational clear. CAT really really helped me, the premise is crazy but it makes you see why you react to situations in the way you do. once you've worked that out, you can plan other ways to react when those situations come up again. i think its probably possible to do the basics by yourself, its easier with help though.

i do seriously think though, not owning scales and a mirror- which are where my anorexic days were spent, was a massive help. after a while when the worlds not ended and your friends still like you, you realise that what those things tell you is just bullshit. it sounds really scary, and i have gone out in some terrible outfits cos i couldn't check them out, but it means if you're at hone you can't just be obsessing about your looks anymore.

also, if its not too awkward, be honest about how sensitive you are to people making jokes about your feelings. they probably just don't realise its hurtful. then you might feel more able to get it out in the open.

 

[Tootsie]

I'm not sure what CBT and CAT are...

I feel like if I tell anyone what I'm thinking on a regular basis, they'll think I'm fucking insane and it'll drive them away. I mean, I couldn't really blame them, I even sound crazy to myself sometimes.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Cognitive behavioural and cognitive analytical therapy.

i guess thats what these forums are for, cos no ones judgemental.

most people think i'm slightly crazy, in an unintimidating way, and i don't really have a problem with it sinces its clearly quite true! i have driven people away by telling them how i feel, you gotta be really careful who you choose...

 

[littlegirlblue]

Body Image Group Nightmares

Vox, you MILF! Congratulations on the little one! I can only imagine how scary it is to want to provide for your child while they are literally a part of you and yet keep control of yourself as your emotions require ... As I've said before, I think you are an extremely strong woman and someone who obviously cares a great deal for her family! I wish you health and happiness lady! Please keep us updated on how you are doing during hormone hell

I dunno why, but for the past.... hmm... year or so I've had to *force* myself to eat something at least once a day. just no appetite. and even then I'm lucky if I can keep whatever I do eat down, without resorting to the anti-nausea meds my stepdad had leftover from chemo.
its almost like I never quit slamming morphine & meth. I quit all that, but my appetite hasn't changed.... its actually gotten worse since I never had the nausea component before.

My beloved Ix, you know hopelessness, chronic pain, depression and PTSD are very caustic to normal stomach function. Were you EVER much of a chow hound, even when you were the sexiest 50 caliber merchant of death in history, before the opiate abuse? I know it's fairly sick for me to say, but you wear junkie-lean REAL well love.%)

When I'm starving, I feel SO pretty. It sounds awful, I know. But when the bones in my chest, hip bones and ribs are just protruding out of my skin, I couldn't be happier. In my head, people notice it and think I'm this pretty little fragile thing. When I binge, and my bones aren't sticking out so far, I feel absolutely disgusting. I'm miserable. And I feel like when I go out in public and I walk by someone, all they think is "that girl REALLY needs to lose some weight".

I have seriously inaccurate body perception like that well. Even though intellectually I know my weight is far from so heavy it is a point of focus for any citizen who is remotely reasonable about healthy weight, I swear complete strangers are thinking, "What a hideous, morbidly obese nightmare!" The worst part about it in my experience is that while I might intellectually be able to recognize these thoughts are totally inaccurate emotionally I ache with the deep knowledge it is TRUE. I'm sorry you are in that place right now. Believe me, you are not alone on this one! The closest I get to pretty is with blue fingernails and hip bones.

i do seriously think though, not owning scales and a mirror- which are where my anorexic days were spent, was a massive help.

Chinup, fabulous, fabulous advice. I don't know about most of you out there, but if I have a scale in my house I will weigh myself up to every hour or so Mirrors, on the other hand, I keep around. Have to make sure my hair and eye-liner don't make me look like MORE of a nutcase.

 

[Ixchellian]

My beloved Ix, you know hopelessness, chronic pain, depression and PTSD are very caustic to normal stomach function. Were you EVER much of a chow hound, even when you were the sexiest 50 caliber merchant of death in history, before the opiate abuse? I know it's fairly sick for me to say, but you wear junkie-lean REAL well love.

Neh, I was never one at that. I also hated eating with family at the dinnertable, so I kinda learned how to graze during the day & avoid having to have the sit-downs.
A lot of the time I was trying to hide my blown-out pupils too.

When I was downrange I always passed up the trip to the DFAC for meals with everyone else.... because to do so meant having to go for a dusty 1km walk through 120 degree heat, stand in line for 15min, eat in 15min, and then of course walk back and go right to work. So I'd stay in my hooch with AC, eat, and then have enough time to take a powernap.
I became quite the MRE-connoisseur; I knew which cases had the best meals, which meals had the best goodies, and gathered enough MRE-heaters to make a good-sized MRE-bomb.
Still, each one of those things had 2k calories, if I ate the whole thing. So I got used to only eating once a day.

But this no-appetite shit recently has been bordering on the near side of ridiculous.
And it ain't sick, at least somebody likes meh. I've been workin' on this figure for the better part of ten years, goddamit.

 

[**hAyzzZZ**]

I am fucking tired of living with this.

I really am struggling to deal with my drug addiction, and this is just yet another crutch I know I will have to eventually deal with.

I am truly sorry I ever started down this path.

 

[tremours]

well i fucked up my fast pretty quick, i need to stop smoking when im trying not to eat

 

[Jabberwocky]

Mirrors, on the other hand, I keep around. Have to make sure my hair and eye-liner don't make me look like MORE of a nutcase.

makeup mirrors are an acceptable exception!

...

when i wasn't eating (not eating, not trying not to eat, i never tried) smoking was pretty much all i did.

 

[tremours]

smoking cigarattes is no problem but when I smoke other things i have a little less willpower

 

[molly897]

fucking adderall. 4 days with nothing to eat and it seems alright cause i've still drank. but i know tomorrow i'll cry when it hurts to eat. everytime I take adderall I say "ok I'm going to eat ______ today", and just never do everytime. to the point where i'm niot taking it anymore cause it's costing me my health, physically and mentally. wish I could just do it!!! even the medicine would work better

 

[Tootsie]

I take adderall so I won't eat. Shit gets expensive though, haven't had any in about two weeks and I've been on my binge cycle since then.

 

[molly897]

i'm prescribed it and at 1 15mg XR i won't even think about food. it's not good to use as that, that's why i'm not taking it cause i either have to take it forever or risk gaining a shit ton of weight back at some point. or i can just do what i do now, and be coooool

seen myself gain and lose 6 lbs in minutes from dehydration cause of adderall

i really had to realize that starving myself does nothing. even eating a little bit makes me lose weight. still have not eaten over 1200 calories since 2008 but it was amazing that i only lost 20 lbs in 4 months by starving myself. those four months of actual starvation mode, thoughts revolving around food, dreams about cheeseburgers and waking up crying, the psychosis, insomnia.. it has had an affect to this day

 

[Tootsie]

I honestly wish I could get a script for it. Not even cause it curbs my appetite, but it gives me energy, it gets me through the day at work, I have more tolerance and patients for other people, I feel like I'm normal when I'm on it. It doesn't even fuck me up unless I take a shit ton of it. I'm just happy.

 

[molly897]

you should ask your doctor to be tested. he'll ask you about 5 questions and start you off on 10mg IR. seen it happen too many times. in my case though I had to pay for an actual ADHD computer test and THEN see a medical doctor. fuck life

but yeah that is the normal reaction of someone with ADD, I gotta take 100mg+ to tweak out and even then my bodys just shaking. i went through the sweater thing too btw.. and I live in fl.. but its hot as shit in ohio too.