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TDS Eating Disorders Megathread

i still have not eaten over 1200 calories in over a year. but it is damn sure better. i still count my calories, i still starve, but its not starving. weirdly enough starving got comfortable. and no appetite got normal

and eating became like a privilege per say or a treat .. something to look forward to in a day or two after i havent eaten.
 
molly897 said:
i still have not eaten over 1200 calories in over a year. but it is damn sure better. i still count my calories, i still starve, but its not starving. weirdly enough starving got comfortable. and no appetite got normal

and eating became like a privilege per say or a treat .. something to look forward to in a day or two after i havent eaten.
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^^ well put ...thats how i feel ^^ :)
 
Counting Calories Annonomous

Sometimes I feel like the only thing I truly know is how many calories are in the food around me. Many times I have been under the impression that if I could just stop my brain from subconsciously doing the math, I would be able to eat "normally," whatever that is. 1200 calories per 24 hours has always seemed excessive to me, but then again, once 300 was way over what I was convinced I needed daily. Recently my stomach has been so screwed up from my anxiety that it immediately rejects food upon impact and that incredibly sick little girl in me is just delighted by this development. It has almost instantaneously made me totally uninterested in food, a feeling I enjoy far, far too much. I have been dropping weight fairly quickly despite the fact that due to my back issues I have a really difficult time being anywhere near as active as I like to be. It makes me almost proud that I've somehow managed to loose 8 lbs in a week only stretching and doing a modified ballet barre each morning as a workout. The older I get the surer I am that this obsession with how insanely hideous I find my body will never leave me...
 
I just wanted to pop in here and give everyone in here my love and best wishes. This thread is too triggering for me at this period of my life, which happens from time to time. But I'm thinking of you all and hoping that you're doing okay. Please continue to fight the ED demons <3 <3 <3
 
so I hadnt B&P'd in a while..(just been restricting) but last night at like 3am i broke down and went on a rampage :( i got rid of it (and it felt so much better).... i felt clean again....but im so mad at myself i feel like all my self control is back to zero and now im super depressed. im trying... :(
 
A Fellow Black Crows Fan! Nice SN!

tlks2Angels said:
so I hadnt B&P'd in a while..(just been restricting) but last night at like 3am i broke down and went on a rampage :( i got rid of it (and it felt so much better).... i felt clean again....but im so mad at myself i feel like all my self control is back to zero and now im super depressed. im trying... :(
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Hey T2A,
I'm sorry you had to go back down that path darlin'. All of the emotional instability, physical damage and hormonal reactions to the b&p cycle really suck :( I'm sure you know this, but if you went on a binge, it probably reflects that you need to up your daily calories a bit so you can continue to control your eating. I know that's a hard concession to make. Personally, I rather maintain as low of a caloretic intake as possible that I can subsist on and then stick with it. I know it's often repeated, but complete vitamins, good fish oil and water really do help me avoid that icky binge. Plus caffeine...ahem, and...(Enter your favorite appetite suppressing vice here. Put me down for opiates, benzos and sex. No one should ever use me as an example.).
Hope you are feeling better!
LGB
 
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littlegirlblue said:
Hey T2A,
I'm sorry you had to go back down that path darlin'. All of the emotional instability, physical damage and hormonal reactions to the b&p cycle really suck :( I'm sure you know this, but if you went on a binge, it probably reflects that you need to up your daily calories a bit so you can continue to control your eating. I know that's a hard concession to make. Personally, I rather maintain as low of a caloretic intake as possible that I can subsist on and then stick with it. I know it's often repeated, but complete vitamins, good fish oil and water really do help me avoid that icky binge. Plus caffeine...ahem, and...(Enter your favorite appetite suppressing vice here. Put me down for opiates, benzos and sex. No one should ever use me as an example.).
Hope you are feeling better!
LGB
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Thanks so. Much and it seems like we have a few favorites ...I'm one for the opiates and benzos as well...and who doesn't love sex lol ...:)
 
Yeah, we are on the same page!

tlks2Angels said:
Thanks so. Much and it seems like we have a few favorites ...I'm one for the opiates and benzos as well...and who doesn't love sex lol ...:)
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I feel bad for people with ED's that have completely repressed sexualities. Sex actually PUTS me in my body, doesn't allow the detachment that little whisper of anorexia requires to thrive. I always find it to be a relief of the highest caliber. Attraction, desire, appreciation of what we cannot ever accept as good enough?...And you burn calories? I'm down! =D
 
No, I'm really not getting better. :\

I have forced myself to get treatment for my drug addiction/s, and thus in doing so, my ED has really somehow become a norm for me. I just dont see it as a problem, nor one i really have the energy to deal with on top of my drug treatment at the moment. :|

I don't want this normalized in my head. Yet it is. *shrugs* I guess I just need to vent a bit. :(
 
I dunno why, but for the past.... hmm... year or so I've had to *force* myself to eat something at least once a day. just no appetite. and even then I'm lucky if I can keep whatever I do eat down, without resorting to the anti-nausea meds my stepdad had leftover from chemo.
its almost like I never quit slamming morphine & meth. I quit all that, but my appetite hasn't changed.... its actually gotten worse since I never had the nausea component before.
 
i just keep on getting more and more disgusted with myself. I hate myself for how big ive let myself get. Even though ive lost quite a bit of weight in the past couple years i still hate myself cause i remember when i was a fuck 00 like 5 or 6 years ago the only thing that happend was that i started drinking so much that i didnt care about waht i was eating. Now that ive finaly controlled my alcohol consumption mainly due to my h situation. I want to get back to where i use to be at, but its so hard sometimes i just want to self destruct instead. At least right now i cant realy afford food so im not going to go up but i want to get back to where i can despise it. I know its fucked up but i hate being like this, I just want to lose some weight again.
 
What have I DONE??!!

i'm pregnant. exactly 11 days along. i planned this, and i thought i wanted it, but when i saw that little blue line yesterday, it really hit me. i'm gonna gain weight. when my husband brought me a chocolate truffle, i just lost it and cried for hours.

i hurt him, i know. he thinks i want to stay thin more than i want the baby. i think maybe he's right.

already i've been craving milk, for godsakes -- dairy is the absolute worst, after starches. i cannot put that garbage in my body! what will i do about food cravings? no drugs, no 5-htp, no caffeine....shit, can i even have splenda? this sucks.

i'm hoping i'll feel differently in a few months when i feel the baby move and all, but right now, i'm really regetting this decision.
 
K12 said:
Well, for about 10 years I was addicted to hot peppers of every kind. Really, really hot peppers went on all my food, and I got used to them. Enough so that I started to put them on other people's food and they couldn't take the heat, literally. From that point on my ex-gf didn't want me to do any of the cooking, which was fine with me. I was able to taper myself off of the really, really, hot peppers until I got down to the mild perrerchinis. From that point on it was smooth sailing. I have been clean from hot peppers for about 5 years now. I started losing count of my clean time after about a year of abstinance from hot peppers.
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is affinity for hot chilis any sort of dietary problem? i mean, other than the morning-after-exodus being kinda burny........

i guess if it's an addiction, i'm an addict, alright. i eat jalapenos out of hand alongside my carrot sticks and apple slices. barely warm. i can hardly eat a meal without slicing a habenero on it, and i make a veggie broth with a bhut jolokia that literally had tears streaming down my husband's face when he sampled out of the wrong stock pot (that'll teach him to filch food while i'm cooking!)

is there a reason to want to quit? it doesn't seem to have affected my palette as far as spicing and such.
 
I've never actually been diagnosed with an ED, my family doesn't know anything about it. The only person that really knows the severity of the situation is my ex. I'm 20 now, since I was 13 I've been starving myself on and off. I'll go about a month or two without eating hardly anything, I'll get real thin, love the way I'm starting to look and then something happens, I give in and eat. And once I do that, there's no stopping it. I eat EVERYTHING all day long and I gain the weight right back. I get more depressed than usual, I start to cut myself again, it could be 100 degrees outside and I'll be in a hoodie and sweatpants cause I feel so fucking disgusting. Yet I keep eating. It takes a LOT of willpower to get back to starving mode, but once I do I'm so much happier.

I just wish I could like what I saw in the mirror, thin or not. This shit gets so exhausting emotionally, nothing and no one can help. It's completely out of control. I don't know what to do anymore.
 
^^i hear ya. if there was an easy answer, this thread wouldn't exist. if yo-yo dieting isn't an official eating disorder, it should be. just another unhealthy love/hate relationship with food. the extremes are what kills us. but moderation is hard to come by for some of us. all i can say is, you're not alone.

i'm feeling much better. starting to get really excited about the baby. and kinda like i was being a thorough bitch to have freaked out about gaining a few pounds. i really do have an unnatural fear of being fat, but i'm sure all you peeps in here are familiar with that feeling, so maybe it will seem more natural to you than to, say, my man, who does NOT get it.

anyway, yay for baby! yay for eating HEALTHY, (and not excessively)!
 
Congrats again vox!! <3

Tootsie said:
I'll go about a month or two without eating hardly anything, I'll get real thin, love the way I'm starting to look and then something happens, I give in and eat. And once I do that, there's no stopping it. I eat EVERYTHING all day long and I gain the weight right back. I get more depressed than usual, I start to cut myself again, it could be 100 degrees outside and I'll be in a hoodie and sweatpants cause I feel so fucking disgusting. Yet I keep eating. It takes a LOT of willpower to get back to starving mode, but once I do I'm so much happier.
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This was the exact same cycle I was stuck in for years hun, it sucks. It's been a long slow gradual road of getting out of it for me, but I think the main thing that has helped is exercise. Not only does it prevent me from putting too much weight on, and reduces excess guilt about eating food, but the endorphins released during/after heavy exercise actually act as natural anti-depressants so I really do feel better about myself from the inside (i.e. in my brain/mind). Do you do any exercise? Also, do you perhaps think it might help to talk about this with say, your mum, or a sibling, or a close friend? I remember when I told my boyfriend I was bulimic, it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. But immediately a huge weight had lifted off my shoulders because I knew I was already on the road to recovery, just having someone else's support.
 
Hey pet!

:) Ive gone through the same spectrum of E.D.'s and have an idea of what ur going through-it can be so intolerable. I over ate and dieted from about nine yrs of age to twelve and started flirting with Bulimia at 13 then developed an Anorexic phase at 20. I still fast and Binge and purge but it has become less frequent, except when I'm bored I get uncontrollable urges to go extreme with food/excercise etc.
Let me tell you though; it does get easier with age and you will (and probably are getting wiser to the nature of the disordered thought.

Keep seeking help from whatever scources that seem to both intuitively and rationally work in your favour. Most importantly tell yourself often and with conviction that you love yourself-no matter whether you feel fat ugly or like a freak. Surround yourself with people who care about you genuinely and who accept you for who u are! Never give up on yourself-ever!
No matter how bad you feel you have a problem but you make yourself stronger than it and all the hatefull bullshit that it encompasses!

I dont mean to sound cheesy but this is whats worked for me;)x
 
i can barely stand to look in the mirror anymore, i think tomorrow im going to try to start a fast. It will be the first one ive tried in a long time but i think if i can at least stop eating for a few days i might feel a bit better i cant decide though wether i should cut out alcohol and othe beverages that include calories though
 
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