DUSK (in Brisbane city)

[smileyfish]

DUSK
(in Brisbane city)
Wing'ed things,
Flitting on the edge of imagination,
Black stains against
A smouldering sky,
Careen about the clamouring towers,
Monolithic,
Luminescent in the dying light.
Shadows slink 'round corners,
Cringeing, fluorescent shimmers
Sickly on the pavements
Encrusted.
Footsteps echo, hollow,
Through lurching alleys
And receeding streets.
Chill winds rush
Through doorways and cracks,
Lunging down byways
To the smoked, inky clouds
Brooding black
On the horizon.
Darkness seeps,
Creeps from the gutters,
Bleeds over bitumen
And drips down the walls.
Silence shrouds the city
'Til trickling up
Through slicked grates
Comes tortured laughter
From the caverns
Down below.
_________________________________
I have been having trouble with this one for some time. It's supposed to have a gothic feel, but it's not quite that dark. Picture walking through the old part of a medium-sized city centre at dusk in Autumn with fruit-bats flying around the skyscrapers and noises from the subways filtering up. All suggestions for finally getting this one 'right' much appreciated.

 

[vurtomatic]

i might have been too presumptious and overstepped my bounds... but this is my re/interpretation of what u wrote
-
winged shadows
flitting across peripheral
black on grey
chiaroscuro skies
monolithic towers
climb climb climb
the shadowed skies
burning in dying light
pooling in shadowed depths
tired light encrusts
plunge plunge plunge
onto empty pavements sickly
coursing veined behemoths
unseen footsteps tread lives unseen
faceless they walk dying little deaths
so cold the winds they come
through doors ajar in their lives
cold oh so cold souls shudder
dark encroaches dark awaits
a quiet still anticipates
from the gutters from the streets
it bleeds it drips
shadows crawling over concrete skins
pallor shrouds the city bleak
tortured laughter breaks the still
silent broken men dying
their little deaths within
monothilic towers
shadows flitting
chiaroscuro skies