availability, as soviet said, is a large factor, but...
I'm an extremely laid-back person. Quiet. Obedient. blahblahblah. But...I'm extremely driven. I like being amped. I like getting things done. I like the succession of action A to action B to action C. I like the feeling of being efficient.
so...I have this proclivity to stimulants, theoretically and otherwise. Cocaine is widely available where I am. And within the circles I find myself in.
I shoot it, yes, but that's a different thing all together.
There's a certain 'lull' that goes on between what I think and feel and what I can express. A tendency to 'overanalyse'. I don't want to sit in a room and think. But i know I have a natural tendency to do so...so, being the extremist I am and searching for some kind of balance...
I like action. It's not specifically about dopomine receptors and fulfilling a certain sort of void in my reinforcement/reward system...
I think it may be about not wanting to feel so introverted. to get in the game. to have my thoughts and feelings not just be these fragmented things that 'sort of' go on in my head. to feel more solid and substantial. as a human being.
I'm not an actor (I'm a screenwriter), but in my dabbling in the craft, I took this class. Voice and movement. It's more about utilizing your body, and seeing it as a tool for things. Some people can just speak directly from their diaphragm and project their voice across a room with little effort. You know, people with these booming, rich voices. It's about vibrato, it's about the size of your diaphragm, it's about all of these things...but what I'm concerned with is it's path.
my voice gets stuck in my throat before it hits the air. it gets filtered. there's a roadblock of sorts. it's similar with what I feel.
It's the most important thing to me. Knowing what i feel. Being human and things.
Sometimes, one just wants things to be more direct...things can swirl around in one's head if one lets them. If that's what one's been doing all their life.
this has become this psychological tangent, but...it's about physicality, things one might be lacking in their brain chemistry, it's about the availability of things (with all this being said, I'm sure I could have started a large opiate habit if that was what I was around, what I could get, etc), it's about recreation, it's about stigma, it's about behavioral patterns.
I'm a stimulant junkie by nature, but I like alcohol (maybe also by nature; genetically). I'm not too much into hallucinagens or opiates. But even trying it in in my recent and late drug history, IV dilaudid *waves to a friend in NJ* is amazing.
I don't know, I'm completely straying here, but with many of these things, you obtain so much control, that you give up all control.
becauseit's so direct. it's like, a stalemate or something...a paradox, I don't know...one of those things. Irony.
...too...many...words...
it's almost like this post in general. I couldn't have spoken all these words to someone in a normal conversation. I would have kind of known what I was feeling about the situation, but taking a substantial stance occurs like three steps after in the grand scheme of things. by that time, we're somewhere else entirely.