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drug jokes!

“Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto! you are an Alcoholic! Goddamn it Otto! you have Lupis!... one of those two doesn't sound right.”

"I used to do drugs, I still do, but I used to too!"

"I like the FedEx Delivery Guy, cause he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it!.... and he's always on time!"

“Do you think that when the guy came up with the idea to invent a bong a blacklight popped up over his head?”

I'm pretty sure everyone has already heard these but I posted them anyway, I didn't see them anywhere else in this thread. R.I.P. Mitch Hedberg
 
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what do you call someone whos been up slamming and smoking ice for two weeks straight? a TWOweekah!!! so lame, but you got to admit it is rather fucking funny!!
 
A man went to a bar. He eventually got so drunk that the bartender had to kick him out.

The next day, the man came back to the bar, and the bartender said "Did you get home safely last night?"

"Yeah I did, but I was so drunk that I blew chunks," said the man.

"Yeah I'm not surprised," said the bartender.

"Chunks is my dog."
 
Ultrapsyber said:
OK alcohol = drug so here's a booze joke:

This guy leaves a pub EXTREMELY drunk swerving all over the road... But he begins to feel rather horny, so he pulls over to the side of the road...

He looks for the nearest thing to screw and sees a nice pumpkin patch, when he proceeds to cut an adequate hole of a juicy plump pumpkin, and then begins humping it...

Whilst he was goin for it, a cop car pulls aside and the cop gets out... He calls over:

"Excuse me sir, do you realise your screwing a pumpkin?"

The man is SO embarassed he tries to think of an excuse so he calls back:

"Fuck, what... is it midnight already?"


=D
Click to expand...

oh god that made my day im tellin that one to everyone
 
"Olly-olly-Oxy-Contin" instead "Olly-olly-Oxen free". Not really a joke, but it was funny when I heard it on a TV show.
 
So+then+we+told+them+cannabis+is+dangerous+and+pharmaceuticals+are+good+for+you.jpg
 
What's the difference between a crackhead and a tweaker?
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A crackhead will steal your shit, a tweaker will steal it, then help you look for it.

nyuk nyuk nyuk
 
Hoping this isn't too much of a bump for an old as fuck thread.
But I was surprised this one wasn't in here.
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Amy Winehouse bumps into Jeremy Clarkson and they start to chat.
She says to him, "What do you do?"
He replies, "Top Gear"
She says "Fucking brilliant I'll have two grams"
 
celesticunt said:
Hoping this isn't too much of a bump for an old as fuck thread.
But I was surprised this one wasn't in here.
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Amy Winehouse bumps into Jeremy Clarkson and they start to chat.
She says to him, "What do you do?"
He replies, "Top Gear"
She says "Fucking brilliant I'll have two grams"
Click to expand...

Lmao nice.

Q: What do you get when you take ecstasy and birth control pills?
A: A trip without the kids.
 
A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this fucking badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear......do you understand ?!!"

The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....

"Your badge, show him your fucking BADGE........ ! !"
 
I had to check to make sure nobody already added these...they haven't:

How do you spot a tweeker in the supermarket?
They're the one with the cart upside down trying to fix the wheels.

How many tweekers does it take to change a light-bulb?
One and a quarter.
 
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